beyondintellect's Blog: Can Caring Get You in Trouble?

Not allowing people to go through their pain, and protecting them from it, may turn out to be a kind of over-protection, which in turn implies a certain lack of respect for the integrity and intrinsic nature and the future development of the individual. Abraham Maslow


Have you been feeling like you care too much about the complex problems of the people you love and it is getting you down?

Do you wish you could shut off the worry valve and use that energy to create the life you want?

When you can't stomach even hearing about another insurmountable problem, do you feel judgmental and impatient, or guilty and less enthusiastic about your own life as a result?

Perhaps you are caught in the sympathy trap.

There is a vast experiential difference between sympathy and the skill of empathy. It is easy to get sympathy and empathy confused. Here is an example that may help to illustrate the difference.

Imagine you are walking down the street one day and off to your right and just a bit ahead of where you are walking, you hear someone yelling: "Help, help!" You look around and finally discover that the voice is coming from a deep hole in the ground. Someone has fallen in and is trapped.

You move to the edge and look down. It is a very deep hole and at this point there doesn't seem to be any way out. The person in trouble is scared, frantic, and stuck. It is clear that he can't get out himself. Therefore, you, being a caring person, want to help. You step back, take a deep breath and jump in. Now the two of you are ensnared and you're both in trouble. That is sympathy.

Most of us, at sometime or other, have held our breath and jumped into another’s life trauma in an attempt to help, and it turned out badly. As a result, we might be cautious about getting deeply involved with others. We may be blaming our caring nature for getting us in trouble, rather than realizing we simply had a lack of understanding about the difference between empathy and sympathy.

Let's take our example a step further by going back to the disaster site. Now there are two of you in the hole. The person grabs on to you, hugs you, praises you, and thanks you for being willing to help. You put your heads together, and with a lot of energy and effort, you both climb out of the hole.

You are now covered with dirt. Your clothes are ripped and torn. You have a few scrapes and bruises. You are both free again. You have a new buddy and you have another adventure under your belt. The plans and commitments you had for your own life are derailed. You are off track and you've had an experience that ultimately turned out well.

The benefit of responding with sympathy, in this case, is that you get to be a hero. You get recognition. You get some unplanned excitement and a feeling of deep camaraderie. The price is that your own life plans are on hold as a result of you becoming enmeshed in someone else's drama.

Here is possibility #2. There are two of you in the hole. The other person grabs on to you, smashes you against the wall, and uses you as a human ladder. They free themselves and walk away. You are stuck. They originally had the problem and now you do. In this case, you have just paid a big price for mixing up sympathy and the skill of empathy.

Scenario #3. You move towards the edge and realize a person is stuck down in the deep hole. You look all around to see if anyone else is nearby and there is no one. You quickly run as fast and as far as you can because you are afraid you will get blamed for pushing the person or you will get hurt in some other way.

This is neither empathy nor sympathy. This is being numb to others' pain, detached, and staying uninvolved at all costs. This is probably caused by past leaps of sympathy that did not turn out too well.

So, what is empathy? How can we use empathy to assist others without harming ourselves?

Scenario #4. You approach the hole. You see the situation and understand the seriousness of it. You hear, see, sense, and respond with genuine concern for the dilemma at hand. You try to comfort and assure the person that you will help to support them in getting out safely. You direct them on how to get out, if you have the skill. If that is not enough, you get help. When the person is safely out of danger, you accept their thanks, wish them luck, and continue on your way.

That is responding with empathy. In this example, we are talking about physical safety and security.

In order to be empathetic in the emotional and mental realms, it is more complex. Empathy means understanding another person within their frame of reference. Empathy is feeling with, not for, another without sinking into pity or judgments. Empathy is putting ourselves in another's shoes and than looking from their point of view, attempting to approximate what they might be thinking and feeling.

In order to be empathetic, we must have a strong desire to understand others thoughts, feelings, needs, desires and values. Therefore, we must first know enough about our own values, beliefs, thoughts and feelings to have a basic sense of safety and security within ourselves.

The more solid and secure we are, the more self-accepting we become. When we accept ourselves, we can extend acceptance to others, through an attitude of curiosity and interest in learning how they see the world. When we are personally solid, we can hear the whole message of others, even if and especially when, we disagree with their opinions or beliefs.

The only way to hear and understand the whole message of another is by truly valuing and respecting their unique individuality. When we respect that we all have the capacity to grow, to progress, and to develop in our own time, we can then let go of trying to fix, advise, and change those we love.

The skill of empathy is built on a platform of kindness, acceptance, and respect. From that base, we can begin the process of non-defensively hearing, understanding, and being present and consciously involved in supporting, connecting with, and assisting each other.