I started reading this book and I love it. I can relate to the whole gaining weight and losing weight and gaining weight. It really can become a vicious cycle. I am finally at the point where I really am trying to take better care of myself. Except for my pasta and glass of wine I had tonight at olive garden. But, I am eating better I'm working out I feel like I'm really getting into the place that the Lord wants me to be in that I want to be in myself as well. I highly recommend this book if you have ever struggled with weight issues or are currently struggling with them now.
"Are we irreverent towards sin, or imputing too much power to God, when we ascribe him almighty life and love? I deny his cooperation with evil, because I desire to have no faith in evil or in any power but God, good." Science and health with Keys to the scriptures pg. 348 Verse. 15.
My computer is totally acting up tonight. I’m trying to save on a disk and it is not working. But, then again there is always plan B. I am so happy that life is filled with choices and actions. I am looking forward to Christmas. I have learned tons this year. My life is the same yet different in many aspects. I’ve failed things but I’ve also accomplished many things I never thought I could. I wrote a book. I am in the process of finding myself. I am on a journey to find self esteem and keep it. I’m standing up for myself. I am trying to accept myself 20 pounds heavier and all. Trying to lose the weight but also get in shape. That’s not really a resolution I don’t want to get caught up in unrealistic thinking. Most importantly I want to love me for me something I’ve never been really good at before. It is hard when I have people telling me I don’t look good in this or that or I’m FAT. That dreaded F word. Yes I’m a size more but in a way this is teaching me a lot about acceptance and patience. My current gains 5 pounds lose them gain them. I can’t figure out why that is happening. But, in the short run and even long run it doesn’t matter because life is complicated it doesn’t ever remain the same. That’s the beauty of it when you think about it. I’m getting older I will be 23 in 1 ½ months. It feels strange. This is the same age my grandma had my aunt. She actually got married at 22. My great grandma got married and had her baby at 19. Unfortunately, that baby was still born. But, time goes on. I lost my godfather almost 5 years ago. Right around fathers day it still makes me sad. I lost my friend Bonnie a few months ago and I was thinking about last Christmas. How she came into the store. Her wisdom her smart comments that made me laugh and where also very true in many ways. She knew she was sick but she took it in stride and lived every moment in as good spirits as possible. That has been a huge lesson for me and one I want to carry on in the year 2010 and beyond.
My Christmas was OK. I had plans but they didn't work out the way I had planned and I ended up doing other things instead. At first that made me really angry and sad. Then I thought well now I am doing something else and this is an opportunity. I thought I'll spend time with people I care about instead of what I'm getting. I didn't get any physical item and yes for a split second I felt kind of jaded and sad. But, then I realized I had something so much better. I spent time with family and friends. That is a great gift that I take for granted so much of the time but holidays are when I really can spend time with loved ones. I was only dissipointed I didn't spend it with my mom and grandma. But, instead we are going out for a brunch tomorrow instead so we will have our time together then. I also missed a call from my fiance but I know that we will talk on Monday and he got my Christmas card.
I watched this movie about the poet Dylan Thomas. I am into writing and poetry. I have written one book and am currently working on my second. I also want to write a book on poetry. Writing, my higher power, and meditation all help me to focus on the positive. Today started out not going very well. I didn't feel so good. Things where not going as planned. Work was very stressful. I was tempted to get discouraged but then I realized I could turn the day around. I took deep breaths did some writing and realized I was focusing on all the negative on all the things that were not going the way I really wanted. When we think positive thoughts our moods really can and do change. If you are feeling stressful you can try writing, calling a friend but not gripping talk about good things, sing your favorite song, spend time with your higher power, pray, meditate, do exercise or yoga.
Yesterday I had an interesting experience when I went to see a psychic. She told me a lot of stuff I already knew but it was really insightful actually. She said that "The only thing stopping you is yourself." This is really true. I do hold myself back and stop myself from living the life I want. I know it's fear that causes that and I'm trying to get past that. she said that there are people around me that are very negative and steal my energy which, is true. She said I'm good with people and can read animals which I also find to be true. She said I'm psychic and very intuitive and have gifts from God. She shows in the cards I had a husband and I am engaged and she said angels where surrounding us. I thought that was really nice. She said I wouldn't have lots of money but I can at least pay my bills and I will come into money and then possibly move either to a new house/apartment or possibly a new state within the year and that next year will be all about new beginnings for me. I found it to be really interesting and did enjoy it even if her predictions don't come true but she did give me food for thought if nothing else.
I had a dream last night about my fiance and it didn't make me very happy. I dreamed that he didn't call me when he get's home and he finally did to let me know and I yelled at him because I was so upset and told him I was worried about him and he should have called me sooner. Then he said he would like to see me but would come after he saw his friends and this one girl that's a friend and I got upset and said "If you are not going to put me first then don't call me anymore." It worried me and made me wonder if that was a premonition or something but my mom says it's probably just my fears talking in my dreams.
Today I as babysitting. It is hard work but it is something I actually really enjoy. Right now I am babysitting for a 4 month old. He is so adorable. I also think he is very smart for his age. He is already trying to turn over and crawl. He loves making little bubbles or raspberries as they are sometimes called with his mouth. He slept in my arms twice today. There is something about the way babies see the world that is so fascinating to me. Everything is so new and amazing. I think people would be a lot happier if they looked at things like it was the first time.
Yesterday was my birthday. For the most part I had a good day. I ate lots of cake too much actually. I am not feeling so well today now. My aunt took me out for drinks so that was nice of her. Of course then after that she made some comments to me that where hurtful. But, that is not new and I'm not surprised to be honest. I am trying to just let it go and not let it bring me down although that is easier said then done. I am now 23 and really want to keep a routine and have more organization in my life. Write another book. Those are my goals for this new year.
I had another birthday celebration. It was overall alright. I got some cool presents. I got a book mark and a book Becoming Jane Austen that I look forward to reading.
I also found a cat outside my aunt's house that she was taking care of. I don't know if we will keep it or not it depends on how it get's along with our other cats but he is so sweet. Right now we are calling him Simba.
I got a bit irked with my aunt yesterday when she came to pick me up from babysitting. I enjoy it of course the baby was so cranky yesterday because he was tired but was trying not to fall asleep. He finally did and he actually slept for a half an hour which is really good for him. Then when the lady who I babysit for said "I need to pay you." And my aunt said sarcastically "Oh she doesn't work for free?" And then the other lady said "I wish." Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way but it did upset me.
I am not going to be spending the day with my boyfriend but I'm trying not to fret over it. I will probably be doing something anyhow. I am probably going to be celebrating my birthday with my mom and grandma since last week our plans got kind of held up. I think it should be a pretty good day. I got a card for my boyfriend and am mailing it. I'm a little late on it but I told him it was coming and I know he will be appreciate of it. He said he wanted pictures of me in my pajamas so I took some tonight. I don't really like them but he has been asking for some for a while now.
I watched the movie Dare. about these teenagers who are in there last year of high school and suddenly they start realizing they have never really lived there lives so they do things they never did before. It got me thinking about me living my life. At times I do feel like I've never really lived my life. but, at the same time I have gone through a lot in my life. What is the difference between living your life and going through so much you feel like you have lived your life? If you could do something you've never done before what would you do?
These past two days I’ve just been really stressed out. Sunday was good I went to see the movie Dear John and I really enjoyed that. I could really relate to knowing what it is like being away from someone that you love so much and feeling like you just can’t go on without them in your life. My mom cried maybe that’s why she misses my godfather so much so do I especially around the holidays and my birthday. I watched Penelope that is all about a girl that had a curse on her family so she has a nose shaped like a snout. It is all about loving yourself for who you are. That is something I’m still working on.
I babysat yesterday. The baby slept in my arms. That was so nice. He tried grabbing my glasses and pulling at my hair. But, I really didn’t mind. Then I saw it’s complicated which I liked as well. Today I watched somersault about a mixed up girl who runs away from home. Sometimes I feel like my life is doing a somersault.
I went to another birthday celebration. I’m glad my birthday is over and this is the last celebration until next year. In the past years I’ve really enjoyed celebrating but this year I’m glad it is done and over with. I’m not trying to be pessimistic and it is not because I’m getting older. I just think I’m tired of it and bored I want to move on to something new and something else.
I was thinking about the movie today it’s complicated with Meryl Streep and Alic Baldwin. It was a hilarious movie with some super funny scenes. I think relationships of all kinds can be really complicated. I love in the movie how she says “In a way I knew I still had unfinished business with your father.” Or something along those lines I think there are times we do have things that are left open and we need closure for ourselves and we also need to find out who we are in order to be happy with the present and accept the past for what it was.
Today was not a bad day really. My aunt still made comments to me. She said my hair was stringy and that I sounded pathetic. Yesterday I was a nerd. The day before I was fat I know I allow her to hurt my feelings. I know these things should not get to me like the way they do. I know it has to do with me allowing myself to feel this way. But, I also don’t blame myself for the way she treats me because I know that is not my fault. I could say things to her about herself that are true but not very nice yet I don’t do that to her because that’s not the kind of person I am.
I watched the movie Paper heart. I thought it was good except for the fact that I’m not sure if it was a documentary or scripted. It is styled as a documentary but the genre is not a documentary. That part is confusing to me but other then that part of it I did enjoy the movie. I thought it was a quirky romance about a girl who doesn’t know what love is and has never been in love and possibly finds it. But, really the whole point of the story is that you have to put your heart on the line and risk getting hurt.
Today I babysat. It is exhausting but it is something I truly enjoy. It puts a smile on my face and gives me hope for the future. Today was a good day for the most part with the baby. I heard him laugh for the first time and it was magical. I think this is something so special that I’m apart of and I’m grateful to be apart of that.
Here are some pictures of my kitties: I just wanted to share.
I finished my second book. A memoir entitled Fighter. Currently available on lulu.com about how I have overcame things. I am still struggling with things in my life. I am not perfect but I just keep learning and trying to figure things out.
On Tuesday I babysat again. Usually it is just on Mondays but something came up so I babysat on Tuesday as well. After words I was exhausted but it is also very rewarding. I gave the baby a bath and he didn’t complain he was splashing around and then he was freezing. I also fed him sweet potatoes which he seemed to like. I could swear I heard him say “more.” Of course he probably got more on himself and a little on me then he actually ate.
I watched the movie Couples retreat yesterday which, I thought was hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing. I also watched the movie year one which I was surprised but I really enjoyed it that also was a hilarious movie.
Tonight I went to Red Lobster I hadn’t been there in ages. At least probably 4 or 5 years the food was good. I enjoyed going for a change.
Last night I woke up and went to check on Simba my new cat. The poor little thing had gotten sick and I think he has worms. We are going to take him to the vet and see about getting a dewormer for him. We will probably have to give it to the other cats as well. I suppose that’s what happens when you take in a homeless pet but my mom said if it wasn’t for me bringing him home and her saying it was ok to keep him he might have or would have died.
I'm watching the Academy awards and I don't normally watch the awards anymore but I did see the blind side and Julie and Julia so I am rooting for Meryl Streep and Sandra Bullock. I ate pizza today which I don't normally eat and was worried I went over my calories again but I didn't. Plus, I worked out this morning for 30 minutes. I am feeling good about that as well. I am feeling stuffed I think I did overdo it even though I didn't go over the calories. My head was spinning today and I really don't like that feeling at all. I just got so frustrated today because I look at all these thin people there was a woman at church who looked like she was a size 0 and the actresses on the awards show and I just started getting really down on myself. I don't like being that way. Plus, my aunt is always commenting on my food. I shouldn't eat this or that. I ate too much or I'm eating too little. It makes me mad because she knows I already have a concern about my weight and am/did struggle with an eating disorder. I made a phone call and this friend reminded me that I should do things that make me happy. Do things to take my mind off of this and focus on having a good day and spend time doing things that would make me happy and make it a good day. So that's what I'm currently trying to do right now.
I watched the movie A perfect getaway today. It was suspenseful and I'm usually not a fan of gory movies but the twist shocked me and that's probably why I did enjoy it. It wasn't the same old same old thriller movie that I usually watch. But, Warning don't watch the movie if you are going to Hawaii because that's where it takes place at.
I watched Army wives. I was catching up on old episodes. I haven't been on in a while as things have been really hectic in my life. My grandma had a tumor and we thought it was cancer we finally found out it is pre-cancer. She will be having surgery in July to have it removed. So please keep her in your prayers.My boyfriend will be back in two months. I am so excited and also nervous at the same time since it's been such a long time since I've seen him. Things have changed so much for the both of us. I wonder how things will be when we are back together. My aunt has been giving me a horrible time about my relationship with my boyfriend. She was saying things like he is going to spend time with you for a month and then you will just ignore you and hang out with his friends. She feeds on my fears. Because yes he did that in the past but he is allowed to have a life. I've also learned a lot like I can't control another person only myself. I was watching army wives season 4 episode 6 about domestic abuse. I love the song wynonna judd sang. Five for fighting was great too. The episode about losses was great. The choices we have to make that change our lives and also the things that happen to us that we really have no control over. It reminded me that when one door closes another one opens. I hope in the rest of this coming year I remember this with all the good and not so good changes happening in my life right now.
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