I just started reading "The Shack" by William P. Young. I can't stop reading it. I think it is really about redemption and how God loves each of us no matter how far we fall. I love the concept of God being both masculine and feminine. I think God wants to connect with each and every one of us. We just have to be open to that.
"Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord. There is surely a future hope for you and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 23:3 Saying 15
My Christmas was OK. I had plans but they didn't work out the way I had planned and I ended up doing other things instead. At first that made me really angry and sad. Then I thought well now I am doing something else and this is an opportunity. I thought I'll spend time with people I care about instead of what I'm getting. I didn't get any physical item and yes for a split second I felt kind of jaded and sad. But, then I realized I had something so much better. I spent time with family and friends. That is a great gift that I take for granted so much of the time but holidays are when I really can spend time with loved ones. I was only dissipointed I didn't spend it with my mom and grandma. But, instead we are going out for a brunch tomorrow instead so we will have our time together then. I also missed a call from my fiance but I know that we will talk on Monday and he got my Christmas card.
I watched this movie about the poet Dylan Thomas. I am into writing and poetry. I have written one book and am currently working on my second. I also want to write a book on poetry. Writing, my higher power, and meditation all help me to focus on the positive. Today started out not going very well. I didn't feel so good. Things where not going as planned. Work was very stressful. I was tempted to get discouraged but then I realized I could turn the day around. I took deep breaths did some writing and realized I was focusing on all the negative on all the things that were not going the way I really wanted. When we think positive thoughts our moods really can and do change. If you are feeling stressful you can try writing, calling a friend but not gripping talk about good things, sing your favorite song, spend time with your higher power, pray, meditate, do exercise or yoga.
Yesterday I had an interesting experience when I went to see a psychic. She told me a lot of stuff I already knew but it was really insightful actually. She said that "The only thing stopping you is yourself." This is really true. I do hold myself back and stop myself from living the life I want. I know it's fear that causes that and I'm trying to get past that. she said that there are people around me that are very negative and steal my energy which, is true. She said I'm good with people and can read animals which I also find to be true. She said I'm psychic and very intuitive and have gifts from God. She shows in the cards I had a husband and I am engaged and she said angels where surrounding us. I thought that was really nice. She said I wouldn't have lots of money but I can at least pay my bills and I will come into money and then possibly move either to a new house/apartment or possibly a new state within the year and that next year will be all about new beginnings for me. I found it to be really interesting and did enjoy it even if her predictions don't come true but she did give me food for thought if nothing else.
I had a dream last night about my fiance and it didn't make me very happy. I dreamed that he didn't call me when he get's home and he finally did to let me know and I yelled at him because I was so upset and told him I was worried about him and he should have called me sooner. Then he said he would like to see me but would come after he saw his friends and this one girl that's a friend and I got upset and said "If you are not going to put me first then don't call me anymore." It worried me and made me wonder if that was a premonition or something but my mom says it's probably just my fears talking in my dreams.
Today I as babysitting. It is hard work but it is something I actually really enjoy. Right now I am babysitting for a 4 month old. He is so adorable. I also think he is very smart for his age. He is already trying to turn over and crawl. He loves making little bubbles or raspberries as they are sometimes called with his mouth. He slept in my arms twice today. There is something about the way babies see the world that is so fascinating to me. Everything is so new and amazing. I think people would be a lot happier if they looked at things like it was the first time.
These past two days I’ve just been really stressed out. Sunday was good I went to see the movie Dear John and I really enjoyed that. I could really relate to knowing what it is like being away from someone that you love so much and feeling like you just can’t go on without them in your life. My mom cried maybe that’s why she misses my godfather so much so do I especially around the holidays and my birthday. I watched Penelope that is all about a girl that had a curse on her family so she has a nose shaped like a snout. It is all about loving yourself for who you are. That is something I’m still working on.
I babysat yesterday. The baby slept in my arms. That was so nice. He tried grabbing my glasses and pulling at my hair. But, I really didn’t mind. Then I saw it’s complicated which I liked as well. Today I watched somersault about a mixed up girl who runs away from home. Sometimes I feel like my life is doing a somersault.
I went to another birthday celebration. I’m glad my birthday is over and this is the last celebration until next year. In the past years I’ve really enjoyed celebrating but this year I’m glad it is done and over with. I’m not trying to be pessimistic and it is not because I’m getting older. I just think I’m tired of it and bored I want to move on to something new and something else.
I watched the movie Paper heart. I thought it was good except for the fact that I’m not sure if it was a documentary or scripted. It is styled as a documentary but the genre is not a documentary. That part is confusing to me but other then that part of it I did enjoy the movie. I thought it was a quirky romance about a girl who doesn’t know what love is and has never been in love and possibly finds it. But, really the whole point of the story is that you have to put your heart on the line and risk getting hurt.
Today I babysat. It is exhausting but it is something I truly enjoy. It puts a smile on my face and gives me hope for the future. Today was a good day for the most part with the baby. I heard him laugh for the first time and it was magical. I think this is something so special that I’m apart of and I’m grateful to be apart of that.
Here are some pictures of my kitties: I just wanted to share.
I finished my second book. A memoir entitled Fighter. Currently available on lulu.com about how I have overcame things. I am still struggling with things in my life. I am not perfect but I just keep learning and trying to figure things out.
On Tuesday I babysat again. Usually it is just on Mondays but something came up so I babysat on Tuesday as well. After words I was exhausted but it is also very rewarding. I gave the baby a bath and he didn’t complain he was splashing around and then he was freezing. I also fed him sweet potatoes which he seemed to like. I could swear I heard him say “more.” Of course he probably got more on himself and a little on me then he actually ate.
I watched the movie Couples retreat yesterday which, I thought was hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing. I also watched the movie year one which I was surprised but I really enjoyed it that also was a hilarious movie.
Tonight I went to Red Lobster I hadn’t been there in ages. At least probably 4 or 5 years the food was good. I enjoyed going for a change.
Last night I woke up and went to check on Simba my new cat. The poor little thing had gotten sick and I think he has worms. We are going to take him to the vet and see about getting a dewormer for him. We will probably have to give it to the other cats as well. I suppose that’s what happens when you take in a homeless pet but my mom said if it wasn’t for me bringing him home and her saying it was ok to keep him he might have or would have died.
I'm watching the Academy awards and I don't normally watch the awards anymore but I did see the blind side and Julie and Julia so I am rooting for Meryl Streep and Sandra Bullock. I ate pizza today which I don't normally eat and was worried I went over my calories again but I didn't. Plus, I worked out this morning for 30 minutes. I am feeling good about that as well. I am feeling stuffed I think I did overdo it even though I didn't go over the calories. My head was spinning today and I really don't like that feeling at all. I just got so frustrated today because I look at all these thin people there was a woman at church who looked like she was a size 0 and the actresses on the awards show and I just started getting really down on myself. I don't like being that way. Plus, my aunt is always commenting on my food. I shouldn't eat this or that. I ate too much or I'm eating too little. It makes me mad because she knows I already have a concern about my weight and am/did struggle with an eating disorder. I made a phone call and this friend reminded me that I should do things that make me happy. Do things to take my mind off of this and focus on having a good day and spend time doing things that would make me happy and make it a good day. So that's what I'm currently trying to do right now.
I watched the movie A perfect getaway today. It was suspenseful and I'm usually not a fan of gory movies but the twist shocked me and that's probably why I did enjoy it. It wasn't the same old same old thriller movie that I usually watch. But, Warning don't watch the movie if you are going to Hawaii because that's where it takes place at.
I watched Army wives. I was catching up on old episodes. I haven't been on in a while as things have been really hectic in my life. My grandma had a tumor and we thought it was cancer we finally found out it is pre-cancer. She will be having surgery in July to have it removed. So please keep her in your prayers.My boyfriend will be back in two months. I am so excited and also nervous at the same time since it's been such a long time since I've seen him. Things have changed so much for the both of us. I wonder how things will be when we are back together. My aunt has been giving me a horrible time about my relationship with my boyfriend. She was saying things like he is going to spend time with you for a month and then you will just ignore you and hang out with his friends. She feeds on my fears. Because yes he did that in the past but he is allowed to have a life. I've also learned a lot like I can't control another person only myself. I was watching army wives season 4 episode 6 about domestic abuse. I love the song wynonna judd sang. Five for fighting was great too. The episode about losses was great. The choices we have to make that change our lives and also the things that happen to us that we really have no control over. It reminded me that when one door closes another one opens. I hope in the rest of this coming year I remember this with all the good and not so good changes happening in my life right now.
I thought this video was really interesting. I really like Frances Fisher. I'm not sure I've ever had a soul to soul connection before except with my boyfriend. I still am not sure I understand it. I understand about the pausing and being in the moment. I try that although it is not easy for me with all the chatter in my head.
Have you ever had a soul to soul connection experience?
How do you stay in the moment?
I like this word. I heard it in a movie tonight. It means fate or destiny. Everything happens for a reason. That is something I've always believed. Every moment leads to another one. That is what the movie "7 deadly sins" is about based on the books which I'm not interested in reading. They are more like gossip girl books at least that is the impression I get from the movie. How one thing leads to another thing good or bad. We make one choice and another. We choose to manipulate someone and karma comes back to us. What goes around comes around. That is another concept about fate and destiny I've believed. The funny thing is I know people who think that. There really are no coincidences yet they still don't treat people right. It even says in the bible it is for god to judge and bring down justice not us. I read something today about loving our enemies even when it is hard. Taking it on the cheek even when it hurts. That is not an easy thing for me to do. But, I'm also learning I need to put my foot down. Easier said then done.
I just watched this lifetime movie It is so sad what is happening currently in this world. I first want to state I am not against the Mormon religion. It is not for me but I don't think it is bad. The church did ban polygamy. I think it is sad that people think they have to have more then one wife and lots of kids to get to heaven. They have to follow all these rules and regulations to get to heaven. That is not spirituality and that is not what God wants for people.
It is slavery being forced to marry when you don't want to marry a person. Being forced to follow someones rules all the time and not being able to think for yourself. When the bible says submit to your husband it is not talking about allowing yourself to be abused or mistreated. It simply means trusting your husband to make decisions and allowing him to make decisions and listening to your husband and respecting him.
i think respect is the most important thing in marriage for both people. Human trafficking is another thing that must stop. They say in the next few years that will be more widespread the trafficking drugs and weapons. There still is modern day slavery going on in this nation and it has to stop.
http://christianscience.com/christian-science-questions-2.htmlhttp://christianscience.com/escape-from-poverty.htmlhttp://ciaobella810.xanga.com/728518858/i-actually-love-jesus/?page=2&jump=1513485927&leftcmt=1#1513485927
I had another day where my aunt was not telling me I was fat but saying how I'll lose weight by x. It is hard for me because I try to lose weight and in this program I am trying so hard not to make it such a factor in my happiness. Tonight actually I realized I am powerless over my weight. There is only so much I can do to control it. Try to eat healthy as best I can. Try not to binge and purge. Exercise moderately not excessively. Not take diet pills or other pill's to try to lose weight. Which, I admit I want to do. Not that it really helps anyway it just makes me feel jittery and sick. I have control over some things but if the pounds don't drop that is out of my control. So why am I so obsessed with what the scale says. I know that is my disease talking to me chattering in my mind once again. When my aunt says I'll lose weight by x amount and tries to control my dieting or food habits that is something that triggers me. Also according to my aunt by the x amount of things she said to me today it would seem in her eyes I'm a loser. Of course she has never said it to me in those words just in her 50 other comments that where critical of me. I try not to think of myself like that. I try to think that my higher power made me the way I am for a reason and purpose and that it is a good thing and I'm not a loser. I know some people don't think that about me. One customer came in the store today and said she knew I could run the store by myself. That gave me encouragement and made me feel like I'm not such a loser after all.
I still haven't heard from my boyfriend he didn't even try calling me. Which makes me worry about him but I'm trying not to. I'm just worried he might be in trouble again and that would delay him from coming home.
I am going to be reselling my cards, collage, and photography. I tried a while ago but didn’t have as much time to work on it. I’m recharged and am filled with tons of creative ideas that I want to explore and share with others. It has always been my passion to help other people in many different ways. For me it is through prayer and my art.
If you want me to pray for you let me know. I have decided to become a christian scientist. I believe in prayer and that God heals. I want to live that out for myself and others. I want to incorporate positive thinking into my life. I’ve lived with depression, anxiety, and negative thinking for most of my life and it never served me well. I’m human so I’m not perfect and will have my bad days I also have to be real and be who I am.
I am not a practitioner (someone who has taken class study and can be listed in the christian science journal) But, I still would love to help and do want to take the class when I am able too.
As for my art I also take requests for cards, collage. The photography is basically whatever I take photos of but if you have suggestions i will see what I can do.
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