LifeSMART: Relationships

I'm on vacation this week, and one of the things I have been looking forward to doing is spending some quality time with my husband.

Normally, it's hard for us to connect because he works at night, and I work during the day. With the household responsibilities and an active teenager (who can't drive yet), we don't have a lot of free time.

Does this sound familiar?

We can make a lot of excuses for not making/finding time for romance, but the truth is we can put a little romance in our day...EVERY DAY!

When we think "romance," we assume that means something like a candlelit dinner, soft music, the little black dress, and champagne. But that's at the far end of the romance spectrum, where special occasions reign--occasions that don't come along very often. About as often as we wear that little black dress.

But romance shouldn't be an occasional thing. It should be part of your daily diet. Now, I know you're already thinking again, "But who's got time?"

YOU DO! And I'll tell you how.

Let's look at the ordinary, everyday variety of romance, otherwise known as "affection." Yeah, I've got your attention now, don't I? Because affection is easy, affection is doable. As a matter of fact, you may already make affection a part of your daily routine.

If not, here are the first steps to put a dash of romance into your every day--hold hands, kiss, hug, compliment, write a note, give a gift, and of course, say "I love you."

These may seem pretty basic and you might be thinking there are a million more ways to be romantic, and you're right!

So tell me, what are your easy, every day strategies for romance?

Ask anyone in a committed long-term union for the secret of their success. Almost always, one of the top three reasons cited is the ability to laugh together. No matter how big the problems, or how many the obstacles, they will be most effectively approached with a sense of humor and the teamwork that emerges from shared laughter and a mutually positive outlook.

So this week, put the fun back in your relationship with the following suggestions:

Play hooky. Both of you call in sick to work (or take a vacation day to avoid violating your workplace sick day abuse policy) and then go hang out at the mall like truant high school sophomores. Spend some time coming up with totally outrageous excuses that you know you will never be able to deliver with a straight face.

Take a class together. Learn a new language and only communicate in that language over dinner one evening. Take a cooking class. Cook the recipe together and then feed each other. Or take an art class and finger-paint each others' portraits.

Flirt. Pretend you've just met and try out some cheesy pick up lines on your partner for a laugh.

Deliberately establishing "recess" periods gives us a break from the daily grind. Just as children don't learn well if they don't have a chance to go out and play, adults need a recess too.

It not only allows us to return to work re-energized and renewed, but most importantly, the play time with our partner intensifies our relationship and can keep our affection green and growing through the years ahead.

We all seem to want more romance in our lives. We want long romantic vacations, candlelit dinners, rose petals, and wine. These are the ultimate romantic fantasies, and we know they are rare, because, face it, they take a lot of planning.

But when we make big plans, we usually build up our expectations right along with them. And when we have high expectations, we are easily disappointed.

Fortunately, romance doesn't need an event planner. Some of the most romantic memories I have are moments that just happened, were spur of the moment, spontaneous.

For instance, my husband frequently stops to pick up flowers for me on his way home from work. No special occasion, he just does it when he gets the urge, and because he loves me. It never ceases to surprise me and make me melt.

Once while we were dating, I was dropping him at his place after dinner. He had just given me a kiss and hug goodnight when a favorite song of his came on the radio. He continued to hold me and softly sing the song in my ear. Who knew Stone Temple Pilots could be so romantic?

We have also danced in a parking lot to a sexy song on the radio, taken late-night walks around our neighborhood hand-in-hand, played a few risque board games just for fun.

These times are never planned. We know that romance comes from within us, not from a contrived setting. When we feel romantic, we act on it. We don't plan something for days or weeks away.

So the next time you're with your special someone, don't try to light the fires of romance. Just let the sparks fly.

I attended a great seminar recently that got me thinking about motivation and what it is that gets us and keeps us moving toward our goals. Or away from them as the case may be.

Sharing your goals with others is a good way to garner support and keep you motivated, but it can sometimes backfire.

Have you ever been excited about something awesome you had in the works and wanted to tell everyone you knew, but a few of your friends or colleagues were less than enthusiastic? Well, you might be hanging with the wrong crowd.

Do these people look like anyone you know?

Superior Sally - she thinks your idea is a little pie-in-the-sky. She questions whether you have the know-how to accomplish it, and suspects you are getting a little big for your britches.

Blame-Game Gary - he thinks your idea is great but warns that you'll be lucky to succeed. In fact, he once thought of doing the exact same thing, but he couldn't get his idea off the ground because the loan officer at the bank didn't tell him about an issue with his credit report, so the start-up loan wasn't approved. And the black mark on his credit was because his accountant forgot to pay a bill. And let's not even talk about what his attorney did, or rather didn't do.

Control Freak Fran - she loves your idea. In fact, she wants to help you! But do you mind if she makes a few minor tweaks? She has lots of suggestions to improve your plan. So many, in fact, that your original idea is barely recognizable.

There are lots of reasons why some people are negative - - they don't want you to succeed, they think no one can succeed, or they think the best way is their way. When you share your plans with these Negative Neds, your goal loses its sparkle, its shine. Unfortunately, this can lead you to abandoning your plan all together.

Instead, be choosy about who you share your dreams with. Seek friends and family that will positively support you through your successes, as well as your failures.

I read a blog post yesterday from our BraveHeart sister, Bell Rushing, that had the following quote from Maya Angelou:

“I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

by: Maya Angelou

I always feel inspiration and love when I read Bell's Gentle Warrior Blog, and yesterday's post was no exception. It made me give some serious thought to how I make those around me feel, in particular, those that I deeply love.

I think it comes naturally to a mom to temper her words and actions when speaking to her children. She knows that a brief moment of irritation communicated in some harsh words and dramatic gestures can seem threatening to a child, causing the child to feel scared and unloved. So with a soft voice and a kind word she gently corrects her child's behavior. She knows the "mom voice" will get the desired result without inflicting hurt.

But how many of us use the same caution in our words and actions when communicating with our husbands? Do you lovingly tell him he left his wet towel on the bedroom floor and gently ask him to pick it up? Or do you berate him with a lecture on how he's an adult and should know how to put the towel in the laundry basket without being told and how you're not his mother and shouldn't have to constantly tell him to pick up after himself and you have enough to do besides cleaning up after him and on and on.

Imagine speaking to your child in this manner. How would your child react? Your husband is probably experiencing some of the same feelings your child would.

"But that's different, my husband's an adult," you might say.

Yes, he's an adult. And he's also a person with faults, vulnerabilities, and deep feelings. And he's a person that you love.

Try asking your husband to pick up after himself instead of shaming him into doing it. Use a voice that conveys the message, "I love you and would love for you to pick up your towel." Don't use the "mom voice," because you're not striving to be his mother and he doesn't want to be married to his mother. Instead, think "girlfriend voice." He wants to please you, so let him know that picking up after himself would make you happy.

And don't forget to praise him when he does pick up the towel!

Even in the best of marriages, there will be rough patches that sometimes seem insurmountable. But, learning to appreciate and feel grateful for your husband can help mend the fences and may even begin to ignite the sparks of passion again.

When you're resentful, angry, and hurt, you focus on what your husband isn't doing for you. You pay more attention to his minor faults and transgressions. In fact, you seem to be hyper-sensitive to every instance he fails to fill your needs.

But what if, instead, you focused on what other needs he does fulfill? Maybe, despite the current frostiness of the relationship, he still calls every day on his way home from work to ask if there is anything you need from the grocery store. Or he fixed the malfunctioning garage door opener without you having to remind him. Or he got snacks for the soccer team and took your son to practice so you could get in a much-needed workout.

Be grateful for his generosity, good parenting, helpfulness, thoughtfulness, etc. And look for every opportunity to be thankful for his presence in your life.

You'll be surprised to discover that once you tap into your gratitude, you'll begin to see your husband in a new light---the same light you saw him in at the beginning of your relationship. The light that illuminated the strengths in his character, not his weaknesses.

Those minor transgressions and faults will, once again, not be worth your attention and energy. And you'll focus on all the good qualities that drew you to him in the first place. Soon, you may find that you found that lovin' feeling again.

So make gratitude your attitude in your marriage.

Yesterday, I wrote a post about the power of gratitude to bring you and your partner back together.

Then I found this quote and thought how well it spoke of the need to love others when they behave the worst. So I created this wallpaper to share. Enjoy!




Learn the secrets to turn your relationship from lackluster to Simply Red Hot!

You know those times when you've had a heated argument with your partner and long afterward, you are still feeling angry and resentful? You know that if you could only apologize or touch them tenderly, things could move on, but you just can't let go of your anger!

Rationally, you know you have a choice about how you react to what your partner does...

...but why is it that you cannot control your emotions? Like clockwork, the very next time your partner repeats the offending behavior, you are in an argument in a matter of seconds.

Once the fight ensues, you don't feel capable of choosing to stop and end the argument with an apology or an act of tenderness. It's as if your emotions have high-jacked your will to choose. So you spend hours feeling furious instead of building a connection with the one you love.

How often does this occur in your relationships? Too many times to count?

Well, it's time to start reconnecting. Here's how:

First, acknowledge that you are stuck in negative thinking patterns and are reacting negatively as a result. Decide how you would prefer to react instead of the anger and resentment.

Then, learn to sense the feelings of anger or resentment building in your body. When they occur, consciously make a decision to not be angry or resentful, but to be more positive instead.

Part of the stress in life is that feelings of anger and resentment get in the way of the desire to be present with the ones we love and to create joy and fullness in our relationships.


For more tips on strengthening your marriage, visit Simply Red Hot.

Responsibility is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship.

This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you.

When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets.

Originally posted at Simply Red Hot.

10 Secrets to Simply Red Hot Relationships

“I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever let you forget you’re a man, ’cause I’m a woman.”

Remember that perfume commercial in the seventies—Enjoli, I think it was—showing a beautiful, confident woman coming home from her corporate job to cook dinner and romance her husband? It made us think we could have it all and do it all.

But can we? Have we got to a place where we excel at our careers, our relationships, and everything else in between? Or are we still falling short in one area or another?

Women are great entrepreneurs; we’re fabulous visionaries and can multitask like none other. But we often have to tap into our masculine qualities to earn notice and respect in our jobs.

Since “channeling the guy in us” helps us get so much done at work and even earns us accolades, we tend to stay in this mode when we get home so that we get everything done there as well. It worked great at our job, so it should work even better at home, right?

WRONG!

Our husbands pick up on this masculine energy. And, needless to say, they’re not turned on by it.

Read the rest of this post at Simply Red Hot.

Learn the 10 Secrets to Simply Red Hot Relationships with this free report!

It has long baffled me how easily we can yell ugly words at our spouse or partner, a person we love so dearly. But why THIS person? Why not others? It’s not as if we don’t get angry at other people, we just don’t resort to that ugliness.

For instance, how many of us have been thoroughly ticked off at our bosses for one reason or another and wanted so badly to go into his office and scream at him that he’s an idiot. Or our child stains a brand new outfit after being told not to wear it out to play, and we want to yell at her for not listening to us.

But something holds us back in these relationships. Something prevents us from blasting our boss or our children with our unchained wrath. What is it?

It’s pretty simple, really. It’s CONSEQUENCES.

Read the rest of this post at Simply Red Hot and learn how to put the brakes on your anger and temper your words with love.

Get more relationship tips with the free report "10 Secrets to Simply Red Hot Relationships."

Last night was weekly date night for me and my husband. We hadn't made any special plans, so we grabbed some take out and headed to a beautiful park near our home.

We intended to walk around the park and watch the sunset, but shortly after we arrived, a chilly wind came up, and we were forced back to the car to stay warm.

We watched the sunset from the car, and started to talk about a book I had checked out of the library called Hot Monogamy, by Dr. Patricia Love and Jo Robinson.

Earlier, we had taken a quiz in the book to get a sense of our individual relationship styles and discovered that, although we were very similar in most areas, we scored on opposite ends of the spectrum in a couple other areas.It was surprising to me because these two areas were where I thought we were most compatible.

So, we decided to reread each question and share our answers. Boy, did we learn a thing or two!

One of the sections where our scores we very different was Passion. And as we reread the questions, I asked my husband why he rated himself so low. After all, I saw him as "passionate" and thought we were "spiritually connected."

He vehemently disagreed. After some discussion, it turns out that he and I had very different definitions of "affectionate," "passionate," "spiritually connected," and "surrendering to passion"---phrases used in the questions.

Since I tend to be literal, I interpreted the words at face value. I took the words "surrender to passion" to mean allowing myself to feel the strong emotions I have for my husband, not hold anything back.

He, however, attached mental images that evoked a strong negative reaction. He envisioned something like a romance novel cover---think Fabio, bare-chested and puffed up with an over-inflated sense of his potency on the female population. And "surrendering" to my husband means giving up, being beaten, submitting.

Needless to say, his translation was very different to mine. As a matter of fact, we had similar discrepancies in more than half of the questions. In the end, we discovered that we were, in fact, very similar in these areas once we allowed for the "language barrier."

So what's the importance of this?

First off, you should have a candid discussion with your partner about what "romance," "passion," etc, means to him. His definition may be very different to yours.

Next, use his definition to look back over the last few weeks for instances where he was being romantic, according to his definition. You may find that he's actually more romantic than you thought. And be on the look out for similar gestures from now on.

Also, try to create a new language using terms with which you're both comfortable. This way, there will be no misinterpretations. You'll know for certain when he makes a romantic gesture and thank him for it. And your appreciation will encourage him to keep the romance coming.

Originally posted at Simply Red Hot, where you'll find more tips to move your relationship from fizzle to sizzle.

And check out “10 Secrets to Simply Red Hot Relationships.”

When we hear the word “marriage,” we typically assume a close, intimate relationship. We envision a couple who finishes each other’s sentences, knows how the other likes their eggs cooked, and anticipates the other’s needs. This may be true in the beginning of the marriage, but too often, marriages lose this closeness over time. The couple becomes disconnected, personal details are forgotten, and the intimacy wanes.

But the fact is that a marriage needs intimacy in order to thrive. Intimacy is the substance which “glues” two people together and enables the couple to enjoy a lasting relationship.

What is Intimacy?
By definition, intimacy means a close, personal relationship or knowledge of someone or something. Marriage intimacy goes beyond knowing just your partner’s preferences and dislikes; it’s more than a familiarity with his routine and habits. When two people are able to share their innermost thoughts, feelings, beliefs and values—the most essential parts of themselves—without any kind of inhibition, then true intimacy is achieved.

Building Blocks of Marriage Intimacy
Creating intimacy in your marriage is a skill that everyone should learn. It is essential in forging the connection between two people that is the cornerstone of a strong relationship. Here is a list of key components to creating that deep connection. Consider it a marriage guide to intimacy:

Attention—creating intimacy involves consistent attention, not only for one another, but for the relationship itself.
Respect—without respect for each other and the relationship,intimacy is impossible.
Communication—regular, healthy verbal communication is always an important factor in establishing openness, familiarity, and trust.
Trust—trusting your partner, and creating an environment where your partner can trust you, allows both of you to safely express your feelings.
Caring—showing your partner tenderness lets him know how important he is to you.
Honesty—saying and doing what is truthful and honest goes without saying in any relationship.
Acceptance—accepting each other’s personality quirks, bothersome habits, and even meddling relatives, will foster understanding between the two of you.

All of these are hallmarks of a deep, intimate bond. But partners in any good marriage will also take the time to listen, live in the present and avoid past issues, and encourage each other’s personal growth. After all, marriage partners should complement each other, not overshadow or stifle one another.

Creating intimacy means sharing the best, and the worst, of you with your partner in the best possible way.

Originally posted at SimplyRedHot.com, a source for tips to fix marriage challenges and reconnect with your partner.

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