claudiacarawan's Blog: Stories

When I was young I had a reoccurring dream that I could fly. In my slumber I would soar above the trees dodging tree branches and telephone poles. At times I would fly very high above the clouds. Other times I would merely fly just a few feet above the ground. I enjoyed my "flights" immensely. Sometimes I would fly for recreation. Other times I had to escape from a dangerous situation. My wings never failed me. As a matter of fact, I would wake from these dreams feeling happy, but sad because I really did not know how to fly when I was awake.

I must have been about 8 years old at the time... but I remember waking from a vivid flying dream and deciding to attempt to fly outside. I was old enough to know about the laws of gravity and understood this was impossible. Yet there was a part of me that believed I could do the impossible. My dreams were so vivid and clear to me and they "called to me." I HAD to experience flying while awake.

It was a March day and very sunny and blustery outside in Northern Virginia. I took 2 of my Mother's large frying pans out of the kitchen cupboard. I thought perhaps I could flap the frying pans in the wind and take off. I stood in the back yard on our picnic table and waited for a good strong gust of wind. I flapped the frying pans but the wind would not lift me. I tried this again, to no avail. I need a better technique, I thought. Maybe if I jump off the picnic table while flapping that might work better. I jumped. I flapped. I hit the ground.

Not one to be deterred easily, I climbed back on the picnic table with sheer determination. All of a sudden I was interrupted from my important work.

My mother was standing at the back door looking at me. She had a puzzled frown on her face. Young lady... WHAT are you doing?
Huh? I responded. I had learned when dealing with an angry parent, ALWAYS pretend to be hard of hearing.

"Claudia Rachelle Carawan... WHAT are you doing with my cooking pans? " "Uhhh .... nothing," I mumbled. "Bring them to me this instant," she demanded. As I brought her the pans I lowered my head in total shame, hoping that I would not endure any more questions. I was too embarrassed to tell her that I was merely trying to fly. I was a big girl, and I knew my behavior was foolish.

Although I have grown up, part of me still longs to do the "impossible." I embrace the little girl (still within me) who dares to dream and do "impossible things." I no longer have flying dreams, but it has occurred to me that I have learned to fly while awake (figuratively-speaking). When I am engaged in my life's work, I soar over "mountains of impossibility" and "valleys of doubt" and I don't need frying pans.

Braveheart Sistas... may your "wings" take you to "impossible" heights!

Love Claudia Carawan
...positively soulful music and inspiration
www.claudiacarawan.com

As a professional musician I travel alot. I go where the gigs are, traveling to cities & roadsides, elegant places and biker bars. I travel to familiar places and places I have NEVER been before. Amazing places, and places I never want to see again. I have gotten used to the emotional uncertainty and anxiety while driving by myself and getting lost. I have learned the delicate art of getting out of my car and asking directions (only to drive around in circles while I affirm... I am peaceful... (deep breath)... I Am peaceful, I AM PEACEFUL! #%$@). I have gotten used to the panic of worrying. What if I never find this place? What if I arrive late to my performance? Will they honor my contract (pay me) if I'm late?

This Sunday I was booked to sing at the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C. in the Hearst Auditorium. The mere thought of traveling to D.C. got me worried. I know from prior experience that taking a wrong turn in D.C is discovering the true meaning of PURGATORY-- there are so many roads where you cannot make a left hand turn, so much traffic, and bad signage. Thinking about it made me feel ANXIOUS--- which made me have HOT FLASHES. Not good.

My fear of a "repeat performance" of getting lost in D.C. finally drove me to make a decision. I told my husband, "I NEED a GPS system for my car." He accompanied me to Best Buy and we purchased my new traveling companion, Garmin. My Garmin has a women's voice. She is like a Braveheart Sister: smart, reliable and unflappable. She is cool under pressure. I do not know how I survived all these years without her.

On our virgin voyage to D.C. this Sunday I noticed something remarkable about her. When I make a wrong turn (notice I didn't say "if" I make a wrong turn) - when I make a wrong turn she keeps her COOL. She doesn't say WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU MISSED THE TURN? PAY ATTENTION, WILL YA?

She says in her relaxed tone of voice "recalculating." Then she creates a Plan B for me (a new route) to my destination.

That's it.... Recalculating.

No judgement. No drama. No blame. Cool as a cucumber-Recalculating.

I wish I could tell you that I respond to my mistakes and "wrong turns" in this manner, but that would be a lie.
When I grow up I want to be like her.

Claudia Carawan
www.claudiacarawan.com

This is a short story of recent event in my life.

Still Pushing

In a nutshell I was pissed and angry for most of the week. I had submitted my music to be published in a music songbook. Just submitting the music was an act of courage for me, so I guess the rejection notice brought up emotions I didn't realize I harbored. I felt rage. I started "hating on" the judges. The emotions came... They're just a bunch of good ole boys! Always the same damn people get their music placed in the books! Why don't they give me a chance? Who are THEY to JUDGE me? DAMN amateurs wouldn't know GOOD music if it hit them upside the HEAD! I railed.

I was feeling the sting of REJECTION. I was tired of putting my music in the hands of other people to be judged and rejected. (REALITY CHECK: This is what all successful artists do... but reality aside, I was hurting--who needs reality at a time like this!) My thoughts were caught in a loop. All my "issues" that I thought I had conquered were alive and well.

I went for a walk to let the steam out of my system. When I returned home I decided to work in my music studio. If I'm busy I wont feel so raw, I reasoned.

I heard the phone ring... and answered it. A strange deep male voice spoke... "Hello, Is this Claudia Carawan?" Yes it is, I said. Then the voice asked another question "Is this... THE Claudia Carawan, spoken with slow, deliberate southern charm. "Who is this? I asked... in my business voice. There was a pause as I waited for an answer.

Then I heard laughter Claudia... This is Rudy Faulkner... vocalist, Rudy Faulkner --how are you today? Rudy Faulkner is an acquaintance of mine who sings with AMAZING soul. Think Barry White or Luther Vandross. Rudy has a gorgeous, smooth, velvet tone and his mastery of his voice is amazing. He is a cracker-jack improviser full of fast, innovative jazz-styled vocal scatting. You can check out his voice at myspace.com/rudlyfaulkner (and if you do --prepare to SWOON). Back to the story... But I wondered.... why is Rudy calling ME? I HARDLY know the guy. Then I remembered... my best friend Lucy is good friends with Rudy, and she gave him one of my CDs to listen to.

"Hey Rudy! My voice eased up and I dropped the "business voice" It's good to hear from you. I didn't recognize your voice"! I responded to his question... "I'm fine today (This was a lie, but I thought it was an appropriate lie) How are YOU?" I asked.

"Well, he said, I've been listening to YOUR music and I had to call you to tell you how VERY EXCELLENT it is. I've listened a few times and I love your writing, your performance and the production. Everything is very high quality." My heart started to get lifted. "Oh Thank you so much Rudy! You know these comments always mean so much coming from a fine artist like YOU," I said. I was so grateful to get a call like this on such a rotten day.

Rudy replied, "Claudia, I was talking about how much I like your music with Lucy and she told me you were having a rough week... something about some of your music not getting published in a music book or something?"

"Oh Yeah, I said... I'm dealing with it... but I'm NOT happy."

"Well, he said, let me ask you a few questions, okay? "
"Okay, I said.

"Do you think Stevie Wonder's music is gonna be published in that music book," he asked. I was befuddled by his question.
"No, I feel certain that Stevie Wonder's music WILL NOT be in that music book, I replied. (Most of the songwriters in this competition are professionals-- but NOT mega stars like Stevie Wonder)

"What about Kirk Franklin, he continued, Is HIS music gonna be in that songbook?" I was very quiet.
"Or Quincy Jones... What about Quincy's Music? Is HIS music gonna be published in that songbook?"

"No---I'm quite certain they will NOT be in that songbook, I replied.
"Well then, he replied, YOU ARE IN GOOD COMPANY."

I laughed as a tear rolled down my cheek. Sermon delivered LOUD and CLEAR. On that day when I was hurting inside, It was so nice to be validated from such a great musician & vocalist like Rudy. He said very few words but they packed a punch. He directed me to start thinking of myself as a star, to have the audacity to think BIGGER. He reminded me that sometimes a "no" is followed by better opportunities. This or something better.

"I got to get going, he said, but promise me you will KEEP PUSHING. Keep PUSHING Claudia."
"I will Rudy, I said, and I hope to make wonderful music with you some day soon."

I returned to my music studio... and felt so transformed. My anger was displaced by new thoughts. I had never thought of myself as an artist in the league with Stevie Wonder, Kirk Franklin, or Quincy Jones (and still do not) however now I had a new way of looking at rejection. I also was so happy to have a new friend in Rudy.

SEQUEL: The following year I submitted my music (again) to the same music book publishing company and TWO of my songs were published in the music book. One of the recorded songs I submitted to the publisher was a song I recorded with Rudy.

I am still PUSHING.

love to all
Claudia