Remembering my Dad & Celebrating Freedom!

It was April 2005. My Inner Voice kept whispering ‘Go Spend Time with Dad’. So I went. I’ve learned to Always follow that voice. This was the first time I ever planned a trip just to be with my Dad. Growing up we weren’t exactly close as he was always being a doctor, doing his music or sleeping off Valium. Since his heart transplant things had changed somewhat. I remember how happy he sounded when I told him I wanted to come home just to hang out with him. I was excited, too. I felt like a little girl again. Intuitively I knew this would be a special experience for us yet I had no idea how meaningful it would become for me later.

I had always felt a little nervous and uncomfortable when it was just my Dad and I in a room. If certain topics didn’t come up, it was fine. Yet, how could I ever know what would come up. Whenever he asked me about my Mom or my older brother, my heart would tighten as to not feel all his pain. He couldn’t understand why he and Mom couldn’t still be together. He couldn’t understand why my brother was so distant and different. Really he couldn’t understand why everyone couldn’t think and feel like he did. His buried pain ran deep and when it surfaced it was intense and unbearable for me to witness because I could feel it and it made me feel helpless and powerless because I couldn’t take it away for him.

All I ever wanted growing up was for my Dad to be happy. The man just couldn’t seem to be happy and it broke my heart. As I grew up I would find myself in the middle of wonderful ‘happy’ experiences feeling sad. I would always ask myself ‘Why can’t you be happy?’ I truly felt something was seriously wrong with me. My Dad and I were so connected. I didn’t realize this until recently yet here what was going on subconsciously: My Dad could never be happy so when I was really happy it was clouded by guilt. My Dad wasn’t able to live his passion, so when I went after mine it felt like a betrayal. He wanted me to be married with kids and have a real job and live near him! That didn’t fit with free spirited unconventional me at all. So I was always torn between wanting to please him and wanting to live my truth and I couldn’t seem to do either.

Well, our time together in April was different. I will say it took a week or so before I realized I could relax in his presence. More than once I found myself pleasantly surprised by his response to certain situations. He was more open and aware. His once judging and critical tone was replaced by acceptance and understanding. We did our favorite things together, one of them being renting a bunch of movies and staying up all night watching them. We cried our eyes out together watching ‘The Notebook’. If you haven’t seen that movie you must put it on your list!

One day, we were having a conversation on being successful. He said, ‘If you are happy, you are successful. There is no greater success than happiness!’

Another day, we were outside the house and he said to me ‘Amy, I want you to ride the tractor.’ I said, ‘what? why?’. He said, ‘growing up you never got to ride that, did you?’ I could tell it was important to him so I said OK. So I took a ride on the tractor in the backyard field where there use to be chickens and ducks and ponies. It was a beautiful blue-sky sunny breezy day that I’ll always remember. He stood there watching me, smiling. At first I was laughing because it seemed so silly. Then I was laughing because I was having so much fun. Then I was laughing because my Spirit was cheering on this beautiful moment between my Dad and me. When we looked at each other I could feel our Soul’s connecting saying ‘I understand you and I Love you very much’.

About 2 months later on July 4th, he died suddenly. Carl and I were at a party and received the news just moments before the spectacular fireworks display in NYC. It’s no accident that his Soul chose Independence Day, the day of Freedom, to leave his body and reemerge into nonphysical. Carl held me as I stood there on the rooftop staring at the magnificent fireworks with tears streaming down my face unable to believe I would never see my Dad alive again. With all the pain I was feeling I had to smile for him because in the moment of his reemergence, he released all resistance and he was finally Free!

I truly believe his Soul was sending a powerful message to me. That it was time for my Independence, too.

Independence means Freedom from the control & influence of others, thinking and acting for oneself and not under an obligation to others.

As he set his Self free, he also set me free. Free to release all of his ideas of what I should be. Free to remember who I am & what I came here to do. Free to do what I Love with Joy. Free to boundlessly Express my Self. Free to Live my Passion!

I know my Dad is with me. I can feel his Loving presence sometimes and he visits me now and then in my dreams. He understands me like he never could before and supports me in my Vision of reminding/teaching/inspiring others to Live Alive!

Question: In what area of your Life can you release some resistance… & open your Heart to receive the Freedom that is already yours? Why not give your Loving Self the gift of more Freedom right now in this moment.

BraveHeart Sisters…

I am eternally Grateful for YOU!

Here's to Celebrating our FREEDOM!!

Happy 4th of July

Love You lots&lots&lots,
~Amy

LIVE ALIVE! Community
Live Your Life Alive!
Love&FREEDOM+Expression=LivingAlive