Discernment

The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity. Erich Fromm


Imagine with me that Discernment is a person. Who he is and how he functions in the world can be directly traced back to his upbringing. His parents were very intentional in how they raised and educated him.

As a couple, the parents were aligned with a clear, well-defined value system that formed the foundation of what they pursued and what they avoided.

Discernment’s father was a highly intelligent, bright, astute and perceptive man. He had a solid working partnership between freedom and discipline, having learned that the pursuit of unrestricted freedom is a fool’s journey. He understood that healthy discipline is a necessary component of true freedom. He helped his son to develop the ability to become farsighted rather than being locked into what he called “comfort” decision-making.

Discernment can still hear his father’s gentle questioning, that asked him to consider: “Is this decision you are about to make going to yield short-term comfort but will ultimately create long-term pain?” “Is there a better action you can take that might require you to pay a price of some short-term discomfort that will ultimately yield a greater good for all concerned?”

Both of Discernment’s parents treated each other and their child with respect. As a matter of fact, respect, kindness and a healthy ability to laugh at themselves were three of their top family values.

Discernment’s mother had an uncanny ability to penetrate into the essence of situations. She used insight, empathy and imagination liberally. She would coax out and allow the inner feelings, fears, apprehensions, doubts and heart hurts to be aired, so that her son could grow in emotional maturity.

Discernment learned that his emotions were valid and when accepted and respected could contribute worthy insights of emotional understanding.

Though Discernment’s upbringing sounds ideal, the actual experience of being raised intentionally was no walk in the park.

His parent’s expected a lot from him. He often envied his friends who had parents who seemed more interested in having their children like them as friends. His parents were friendly, even playful many times, but he was always aware that if he spoke or acted disrespectfully, he would immediately be asked to correct his thinking and behavior.

His parent’s never directly told him what to do. Instead, they allowed him to make decisions for himself and to seek out information that would help him choose the best direction to take. He often longed for them to just give him the answer. He wished they would tell him what to do and he would be relieved of responsibility and would simply follow the rules.

He would get mad when his father would tease him by saying: “Just think son, you will get all of the credit for what you do with your life!” Discernment would shudder and think: “The real truth is that I’ll get all the blame!”

As he matured, Discernment lost his fear of being blamed when he realized that taking responsibility for his choices simply meant learning how to respond to what is true for him.

Discernment is a highly successful choice-maker today. Finally, he can look back fondly on his upbringing and fully realizes the truth that real security comes from the ability to know who you are and where you are today, know what you value and be willing to stand up, make and follow through on the best possible choices by asking: “Given what I know right now, what is the highest and best action I can take?”