Real Communication

The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. Fran Lebowitz – Social Studies (1977)



Talking has decided to engage Listening in a game of Ping-Pong. They volley for who will serve first and to her delight Talking wins.

She sends a well-placed sentence over the net and is standing poised and ready to have Listening return it, enhanced by his contribution.

Listening is ready. He receives this first sentence and responds effortlessly with a simple flip of his wrist, sending the sentence back over the net without adding anything.

Talking decides to put a little spin on the next volley. She increases her speed, volume, and word content, and adds some twists and turns to the message. Listening continues to return what is sent without adding or subtracting anything to the original content.

He is playing the game the way he plays it best, by sending over easy responses of affirmative head nodding and one syllable words like oh, hmm and yeah.

The two players continue to approach the game in their usual, habitual way.

Talking expends more energy and adds more animation, while Listening appears to be keeping his outward involvement at a minimum.

Talking is starting to get tired. She is getting caught up in over-responding to Listening’s returns, which lack enthusiasm but contain enough energy to keep the game going.

Talking is becoming a bit frantic and is rapidly losing confidence. She started out exuberantly participating but that initial energetic outlay is now working against her. She is putting too much spin on her sentences and as a result, they travel back to her in an erratic and distorted form.

Listening is simply allowing what was sent to him to hit his side of the table. All he believes is required of him is to send it back, unaltered, to the sender. This strategy requires little output from him and maximum return on his investment because it wasn’t really his initial idea to play anyway.

Actually, he has a lot on his mind. He has been mulling over a few problems that had captured his attention early in the week. He placed these concerns in a compartment of his mind reserved for ruminating. It didn’t occur to him to bring any of this up for outside discussion with anyone. Since he views himself as an excellent problem solver, he knows that he will eventually decide what to do on his own.

The game has been continuing for quite some time now. It is time for Listening to serve. He picks up his paddle and positions himself to start the volley. He stops for a moment and realizes that he isn’t really interested in keeping the game going if he has to generate the conversation.

He looks over at Talking as he lays his paddle down on the table. “I don’t seem to be able to continue. I don’t know where my energy is, but I really need to take a break right now.”

Talking is taken by surprise and feels perplexed. A series of questions quickly formulate in her mind and line up like bullets in the chamber of a handgun, ready to be rapidly fired.

As she opens her mouth to speak, a cautionary thought jumps into her mind. “Don’t speak!” it warned. “Be quiet for a moment,” it continued. “Put your attention on Listening and pause. Just pause. Do nothing, say nothing and just be with what you are being told.”

Talking put down her paddle and let the questions evaporate from her mind. She didn’t say anything. She opened her ability to really see and hear her partner. She put herself in his shoes. She listened.

Listening felt seen and truly heard. He felt closer to Talking than he had for quite some time.

As a result, he took a risk and began to open his mind and heart to her in a way that was new for him. He invited and allowed her to enter more deeply into his inner world, which was what she was unsuccessfully trying to make happen through control rather than acceptance and receptivity.

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