92 Comments
Ray: For me, being a woman near your mom's age and having passed thru some of those same self image issues, I can understand your Mom's feelings a bit. If we turn on the tv, we don't see a lot of inspiring everyday 50+ women on the tv shows although I see that changing more and more. What has helped me more than anything else, and particularly since I'm an actress and that's REALLY an industry with a focus on no wrinkles and youth, is to stop comparing myself to anyone else. Not easy at first. However, what I found when I turned my focus inward to myself rather than outward in comparing or allowing anyone else to compare me to others was that I am an immensely unique individual with gifts no one else has. I would encourage your mom to explore her own innate uniqueness and gifts, and release the outward view of what beauty is. How does one make this shift? Meditation and personal dance (not in a class where performance levels might become another way to compare myself against others) and art (again, not in a class but on my own at first) all helped me get in touch with my own unique self. Connecting with inspiring women's groups helped. Joining this website would be a great move in that direction. Writing my blogs (and disabling comments at first) was also a great way to begin to explore expressing myself in an uncensored and fearless way. Best of luck to your wonderful Mom and to you. Hi Ray (great name!), How about if you & your mom create a collage together with images of strength as the focus and you could look through magazines like Oprah & More and yoga magazines for images of older woman to collage in to your creation. I recentlly went to a birthday party for a friend's mom (who turned 100  It was inspiring to see her honored for her impact on others and the way it ripples out and affects so many. Maybe your mom could benefit from some spoken or written words from people whose lives she's touched (her 60 th birthday?). Just thoughts, Take CareDear Ray, My heart goes out to your mom.First of all I would invite her to join braveheart women.What she is feeling is normal.It is not easy aging.Awareness is her solution.59 and approaching 60.As each decade goes by we do take a step back and say wow A certain age simply displays a stage we are in our lives.Our circumstances also tries to define who we are.But in the end we have free will to conquer feelings of selfdoubt .We can discover ourselfs over and over again at any age.Your mom is so blessed I hope she realizes that.I do hope she remains positive and is around positive people.God Bless Angel4......ps.I am grateful to have lived this longxoxoHi Ray, You are helping you mom. By not judging her and by keeping on loving her as she is. We are all here to serve a purpose in life. We are not always conscious of that purpose. I believe that the very best thing that you can do is to continue to let her know that you love her, continue to let her walk her own path, continue to just "let her be", and continue to start and continue to walk your very loving and conscious path that leads to joy and freedom. Some time the best teacher we can be is to lead by example, not words. We cannot fix others...we each must walk towards our own light and just keep a hand held out. You care...you rock! Woohoo! Hello Ray ! Do you know what your name means in Spanish? King, you are it! The ruler and the one who can create the one who has the power, etc… I am a new member here and this is the first time I am writing to anyone, I am a 50 year old lady who has been thinking and wondering in all those things your mother has been talking about, and I have come out with many causes/effects, options and solutions, not in a medical or professional way since I was a soldier for a very long time and not a doctor, I do it in a logical natural and what make sense to me... Today I have a smile in my face all the time, I feel beautiful, sexy, intelligent, self confident, full of energy ready to conquer the world in all the aspects… I am alive with half of my life in front of me; I am powerful, invincible and more and I can keep on going! Can you feel it? I read your mail and all I could hear is that you yes you, are a wonderful daughter that has noticed a problem and have taken that challenge into your own hands… You have seek help, but what I see is that you have maybe solved the challenge already and you only need some encouragement which you can find it here, this could be the beginning of something great for you, you may have a mission in life that you have just discover… Everything happen for a reason and all that I can see is that you have your eyes open, you are close to your mother and you are taking charge. Remember only us have the power to improve or change ourselves when we come to the realization that we must take another road, change direction or rebuild our lives. I have 2 daughters that I have been training and I send them Quotes every single day with notes to make them think and see the world from another prospective, see themselves honestly and decide if they need some daily improvements… I call it “Hello my Darlings!!!” it is a daily routine and it has blessed me maybe more than them, so much to the point I have started writing daily giving inspiration to them and many other people who has wanted to be included. This note it written for you and hopefully you can see yourself deeply and what you are doing, inspire yourself and become a challenge solver and a creator of happiness. Blessing from my heart, Evy Ray, I want to add to the 87 comments that I've read. Since I've 'been there' and 'done that' (where your Mother is at in this season of her life) and 'not going to do it again'......I'll tell you what I did to move pass the 'stopping point' or cross roads she is at. - I felt as tho I had done all I was supposed to do and I just stopped/paused and looked around me, wasn't inspired by anything, could not find a mentor, didn't know what to do or which direction to go. Can't really say I was depressed. Definitely looking for a way to move out of the spot I was occupying by becoming active again. - I had accepted my own mortality some time ago and now I had to accept this NEW season of my life. - There is still so much for us Golden Oldies to contribute to our communities and for me my home schooled grandchildren. They could not afford to buy the wealth of experience that I am lovingly giving to them. (And they are soaking in every thing I tell them.) - For those who are still 'stuck' at the cross-roads, look at your community. Schools, hospitals and Boys &Girls clubs for a start could use your help. Volunteer at a hospice or homeless shelter to put your life back into proper perspective. Deliver food through a Meals on Wheels program. (Don't have one in your community???well start one!) Start a Pet Meals on Wheels program. The folks appreciate that so much. Volunteer at a rest-home. Most of the residents don't have family who cares or visits them. Go to the youth detention center for girls. Teach them about 'life's time line', how to set goals so when they get out they can become self sufficient, Most young girls used to follow the boys into crime/jail....now they get there by themselves. Most are happy to be in the center because it is better than being out and at home. Bed, three meals, clothes and friends. -Start a business.....start with something small. -I love to read, especially about Spirit, excited about this website and all the possibilities. Studying wellness and healing. Always open and interested in new things. I don't want to go on too much but she/we/everyone else needs to just accept the fact that we have aged (think of the alternative) and make the most of it. WRINKLES????sounds mighty VAIN to me. Last but not least....move out of the cross-roads before life runs over you/her. If you don't then one day you may wake up and wonder''''what happened''? Words with love from me to ya'll.. LazerSpirit ps if u need help figuring out how to do anything I've suggested....email me. I understand your confusion...if your mother reads A Feminine Manifesta...she will see that her valuing herself is key not only to her personal happiness, but collectively, when all us women do so, the world will become a much healthier and safer place. I wish you great joy! Hi Ray: I am 53, a Registered Nurse and now have a successful business in the leadership field. I see many women going through your mom's challenges. I am compelled to say something in case it has not been said in this long blog string. Your mom needs a complete health assessment. Her nurse practitioner or physician will help her through assessment for any possible physical or mental health issues that may be going on. Should she be physically healthy, which I hope, she may benefit from some one on one with a licensed healthy care professional with special knowledge in women's health post-menopause. Many many women avoid getting full health evaluation, living lives of quiet desperation, wondering, "is that all there is?", when a simple health (physical or mental) issue is at the core . Additionally of course, many of the suggestions here by our sisters are excellent and will help you and your mom. A solid 12-Step group of tough love sponsors saved me from your mother's fate. If you find the right group, you will find people who have risen above everything by climbing and climbing and climbing the same set of spiritual steps that raised them out of the depths of depression, self-loathing, and misery many of us ended up in. I got lucky. I found happy tough love sponsors who wouldn't let me sit in self pity. They listened to my pain, for sure, but they also put me to work IMMEDIATELY setting up chairs, making coffee, etc. And they helped me find my laugh again. I found love, acceptance and enough strength to break out of the prison of shame I had been in since the violation of my childhood. The shame that led me straight into one abusive relationship after another. The shame that saw my body go from 140 lbs - 262 lbs. My recovery from extreme depression took time and an absolute determination to serve my Creator. That body is 60 years old now & weighs 150 lbs. I live with chronic lung disease, diabetes, cataracts, blah, blah, blah. So what! My new husband is a beautiful Cherokee who is technically 20 years younger than me. But he knows, just as I know, that we are SPIRITS HAVING HUMAN EXPERIENCES. That's all. The stronger program is Alcoholics Anonymous, of course. Alanon tends to be populated with professional victims who still play the BLAME GAME. So shop around for a good meeting and RUN, do not walk, away from anyone in a 12-Step group who you hear using the word "should" on you and weak women who are still playing martyr. They will only feed your mother's despair rather than encourage her strength. I'm brand new to Bravehearts, but I want to share my experience, strength and hope here. I'm returning to Paris soon because I'm an investigative reporter living in an undisclosed location in Arizona. As an advocate for the homeless I got a little too fiery for the local police & ended up with a warrant out for my arrest! Good Grief! The criminal justice system in the United States is scary, particularly in ARIZONA. My state has been in the news lately. Enough said. So cheers! Give your mom a kiss from Ripley Wolf and tell her that "It's a great life if you just keep on keeping on climbing the 12 Steps to a new life. The road is hard, but the view is worth the climb. Love, Ripley Wolf
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Dear Ray, First let me say what a wonderful daughter you are. I am sure you make your Mother proud. I understand how you feel but unfortunately your Mother is the one who holds the key. I am 54 and and can relate to what you are saying about your Mother. We came from the generation where we as women were to put everyone first and ourselves last and after a while you start to forget who you were or never got to be. I know that I didn't really start to find out exactly who I was until all of my children were grown and started a completly new career at age 49. My boss strongly suggested joining a service organization and that was the beginning of a new journey. I joined my first service organization and started giving back and found out that I had all kinds of talents I never knew I had and the best part was I was helping other people in the process. I also started meeting other women and used them as role models as to what I wanted to accomplish in my life. Now at almost 55 I feel like I am starting to live for the first time. I have come out of the box and am doing all of those things I always wanted to do right down to taking tap dancing lessons. Maybe what your Mom needs to re-learn is how to dream... I think when we get older we think we are too old for that and we just have to try it, live it, eat it, buy it because one day we won't be able to do those things anymore but when that day comes and you have done those things. You have lots of memories to make you happy. Figure out what your Mother is passionate about and find an organization where she can be with others that are just as passionate about it and maybe she will realize it's not the age that matters it's what's in your heart and soul that determines your age. I can only speak for myself but I no longer care what others think (I used to always worry what others thought) then I realized that it really didn't matter and I have actually started doing things that I would have never done in my 40"s. What I know for sure is at one time or another we all had dreams the problem with getting older is somethings we forget to dream. Take for her for a day of beauty a makeover if you will and you pick the hair, makeup and clothes then do something together neither of you have done before but do it together. Teach her how to step out of the box. I don't know if this helps but I wish you luck. I don't know what I would do without my daughter giving me good advise from time to time. Sometimes she is so much wiser than I. I wish you well and never stop trying your a great daughter and with love like that you can't fail. Dear Ray: First, I want to say there is no need for thinking your introduction was negative. The fact that you are reaching out for a positive reason truly makes you, a loving brave young lady who is now seeing how the rigors of life can take a tow on the spirit. I understand your frustration especially when as a child, most of us see our mothers as Gods. Not really knowing or asking ourselves, how they are able to appear that way in our eyes. Sometimes, as we get older over the years, we lose ourselves. As we do, all the negative things in our lives are able to take a front seat. We start feeling old, ugly, unloved, not worthy, and depressed. Because all that negative has been able to take a front seat in steering our lives and self-esteem instead of a back seat where it belongs existing only as lessons learned. Our ability to love ourselves as we all should gets harder and harder to do. But, not impossible. Just as habit has put us in that frame of mind, it will take habit in getting out. When that starts to happen sweetie, Mom will be just fine and all that she needs, wants and desires, will start to come to her. She must learn again how to love herself. It will take habit, time, and patience. As for you personally, I know that you love your mother dearly and please keep doing so no matter what. However, you must also remember you because; you have many years ahead of you and GREAT things to do within those years. Awareness is empowerment. Remember no matter how much we love a person; we cannot make them do anything they don't want to do for themselves. Just remind her always she can do anything as long as we have a breath in our bodies. Moreover, to love herself first so she is able to find the love she desires in all aspects of her life. I hope this helps a little because I remember when I was your age having the same feelings at one time. Even though my mother was not able to let go of all the pain of her past, she was still able to LIVE in the present before she passed away. She became aware and therefore empowered by what was making her feel the negative way she did and put it in the back seat where it belonged. You both will be fine. Remember Awareness is empowerment. Mrs. C. Hi Ray, I found that Marianne Williamson's most recent book "The Age of Miracles - Embracing the New Midlife" to be very helpful and inspiring when I was trying to find my way. I believe your mother may find this book to be a source of profound guidance as she navigates a new stage in life and tries to adjust to being the person she is journeying towards. Many of us in her age group have and are facing similar problems. She is not alone and I think just reading this book is comforting. Marianne Williamson work is both explanatory and illuminating. She explains how we got to the stage we're in and how to move forward and does it in a spiritually sensitive way. Best regards, Sanoma Hello Ray, First I would like to say that you are a wonderful daughter , so caring and appreciative. It is sad that aging is viewed as something depressing or as the end of vitality. When in fact it is a time to live , to look back on all of the lessons we have learned. That have helped to shape us into strong,capable people. We see our wonderful children grown and developed into fine individuals, we can be proud of the good values we had instilled them, how we had helped to shape them. It is a time to take pride in the wise women life has molded us into. A time to explore what we want out of life without the responsibilities of raising a minor and the pressures that go with being a parent and home maker.To live and experience the things we may have wanted but the timing wasn't right. It is never too late to enjoy life fully. I will be 45 in September and I cannot wait to live and explore the new and exciting chapter in my life. If it were my mother, I would ask her... Tell me what's in your world. Tell me what upsets you. Tell me what you feel so sad about. Tell me what brings you joy. Tell me what you love. Tell me what you're grateful for. Tell me what dreams you've given up. Tell me what you love to do. Tell me who you loved or love currently. Tell me what inspires you. Tell me what life was like when you were my age. Tell me what created the cynicism. Tell me what hurt you. Tell me what you're resigned about. And when she's done telling me. I can share with her my vision. I can share with her my hopes and dreams...for me, for her, for the world. I can share with her all the beautiful things I see and experience in this world. I can share with her all her joys and pains. I would dream with her. I would create activities and outings with her that would nurture her soul. I would listen for what's still waiting to be sparked and freed. I would acknowledge whatever I discover about her. I would invite her into my world. I would love her unconditionally. After all, she loved me unconditionally to the best of her ability.
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Dear Ray Sometimes things happen to women that they are to embarassed to reveal to anyone. Just let her know what ever it is that is bothering her , when she is ready to talk you will listen. Tell her everyday that you love and admire her. How mush she has inspired, you. We tend to carry things for years, and as long as we have someone to take care of thoose things stay hidden, but when we are alone, they creep back in. Like shadows stealing into the night. You just have to keep telling her to be positive ask her everyonce in a while if she wans to talk about whatever it is that is bothering her. I'm 47, and still have not fully ever told anyone some of the things that I jave went through. But I think I am finally ready. To heal wehave to face our monsters. I hope you can help her. Just let her know you love her everyday, not just saying it show her. Tammey Hi Ray, Many women, throughout their lives, have learned to base their self worth on what others think of them. Our gender, for the most part has been socialized that way. To a huge degree we have been influenced by various means to be people pleasers. If we feel that we please others by the way we look, our self worth diminishes as our looks change. If we feel that we have to always be something for someone else when will we be who we really are for ourselves. I believe that your mother is at the perfect age for discovering who she is at this age. Some issues that she can have fun with are: exploring how her inner being has changed, what fantastic things she has accomplished thus far, what simple things has she been amazed with thus far and what new passions can she develope (art, writing, photography, travelling etc.) We are on a magnificent journey of self developement and must always seek growth. The age your mother is today she will never be again, just like she will never be 25 again. She has to make the best life possible for herself now so that she will not have regrets later. She is fabulous woman because only a fabulous woman would have such an awesome daughter!
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