My Daughter's Being Sexually Harassed

My daughter is spending a month in Morocco, polishing her French while visiting family friends. This is part of what she posted in her blog yesterday, asking for comments:

There are times I wish I had a t-shirt that read:

Dear Moroccan Men,
Please stop looking at me like I’m a piece of meat.
Salaam,
Sara

Although to be honest, having something printed on my chest for them to read probably would not alleviate the problem.

I thought I would wait until after an inevitable more extreme experience to write something about being a woman in Morocco, but I’ve found so far that the little daily ordeals are what I find most difficult. Everyday in Morocco, I get blatant leers from men on the street. Coming from someone whose friends often need to point out to her that a guy is taking notice in social situations, I feel like this says a lot. I am so sick of it, being constantly objectified.

There's lots more at her blog http://dramatrekking.blogspot.com/ . Happily, it's only been leers, comments and following so far.

I wrote her a long email in response, and she asked me to post it on her blog, so here is what I said, minus my "Hello, My Little Lamb Chop" greeting, which she somehow did not want. I think it relates to most things in life we can't control that anger us. Do you have any advice or thoughts to offer her? I'll forward it, or you could add it to her blog comments.

First, I understand how hard it is to have your humanity denied so consistently. It's a power game, in part. Think about who does it here. Construction workers are famous for it. People who feel their low status can at least feel the power of making women uncomfortable. It doesn't mean that they are bad people, just people who have emotional pain about their situation. I am sure there are many un and underemployed men in Morocco. So this is the problem of the power trip, and you have had a hard time with that.

You are upset by their lack of respect for you and women generally and what that means for the society. As you reported, it's part of the cultural mores. That means it's hard to change, especially in one month. Do not get upset about things you cannot change, it is a waste of energy. Instead, decide how to cope. The problem, since they haven't actually physically harmed you, is not what they say or do, but your emotional reaction to it.

How to do deal with your emotions? Understanding, both of yourself, because it is hard to be treated that way, especially in a society where you don't feel fully comfortable, and of them. You pointed out how the society operates. People get objectified when no real contact between them occurs, and young men and women in Morocco have little chance to relate equally and meaningfully.

What would you do if you were a young, unemployed man who felt bad about himself, and whose society accepted catcalling as the fun, manly thing to do? It would make you feel like you have at least some power, like how poor Whites used to at least have Blacks to put down in the South. A situation to work to correct if you have the opportunity, but not by vilifying the oppressors, who are oppressed themselves.

So have compassion for them, view them as people who know of no better way to feel better about themselves. You do have power, power over your thoughts and feelings. Anyone can look at you, it's just that they are telling you that they are doing it, so it's the power thing. You are accepting their definition of the situation by feeling helpless because you can't stop it. You can't stop it, but you don't have to feel helpless.

Find a way to laugh at what's going on. After all, as you point out, they are doing you the favor of showing that men do pay attention to you in a way that naive, clueless you has to notice. And make reacting with equanimity your goal, so that the experience is a school for your emotions. It won't always work, but work toward it.

People react to the vibes you give out, and those vibes come from what you are thinking about yourself and them. That is why it’s so important to get your head in the right place. You have a heart of gold, and that will help, because you are instinctively compassionate. However, you do need to realize your own power, which is considerable, and your most important power is over yourself.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." I think she would say the same about making you feel like a piece of meat. So when they make opening moves, don't play the power game and give them power by feeling uncomfortable. It's just what they want, and you do have the power to not give them that.

Namaste,
Hedy
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