"You have to read this," my husband said. Two very gutsy young women had written about an experiment they'd undertaken in a Middle Eastern country, where he directs a study abroad program in Arabic.
In most countries surrounding the Mediterranean, women can't walk down the street without being harassed, ranging from catcalls to pinching and grabbing. Students are routinely warned to never make eye contact with these men and look straight ahead or down. It's pretty scary not being able to walk a block without being harassed this way.
These two young women decided that they were missing a lot about their study abroad experience by walking around looking down all the time. They decided to experiment, in a group of women, with actually responding to the men, although they reserved the right to avoid men who seemed dangerous or weird.
They responded to the men with a traditional Arabic greeting that has a religious tone, and chatted politely according to the customs, treating the men as if the men were gentlemen. They made it clear they wanted to be friends only. With only a few exceptions, the response was wonderful. They made friends and protectors who watched out for them as they walked the streets of the capital city. They were invited into stores for tea and cookies.
The most important thing in communication is your attitude, where you are coming from. I was just starting to write about how to get into the right place for difficult communications when my husband gave me their paper. I will write more about that soon, but what a perfect example! The first requirement is the the willingness to consider that people behaving in ways that are offensive might actually be nice human beings. Doing this requires overcoming fear.
It's also important to know who you are dealing with, what the local customs are and mean. As a sociologist, I also see it that by speaking in a respectful and friendly traditional way in Arabic, the women redefined the interaction, reminding the men that they were really nice, well-mannered, friendly men. They changed the men's roles from macho aggressors to warm gentlemen by treating them that way, and by acting as friendly visitors, not American girl students. They were confident, friendly people, not objects.
The women write that the locals are incredibly friendly. They'd even been invited to their taxi driver's home for dinner and become friends with his family. They realized that there were powerful social understandings about hospitality in that country that could help them. They dropped their fear, but not their discernment and caution. As a result, they have seen far more of the country than they could have, and learned much more than Arabic.
When we change, others usually do.
Hedy
Awareness Transforms
The Relationship Dance Community
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