How to Hate the Sin But Not The Sinner

I recently posted a topic in The Relationship Dance prompted by a friend being very disappointed to find someone she had liked had been manipulative in what appeared a deliberate attempt to hurt someone else. The question was, how do you manage to separate the action from the person? I’ve discovered that different methods work better for different people, and sometimes different methods work better at different times for the same person. That’s why I like to get as many approaches as possible, and the Dancers helped me. You can see some of our Dancers’ wisdom on this topic.

Personally, just one method won’t work for me. For situations where I’m not personally hurt, but tempted to judge, my experience driving in the Boston area was a real help. You may have heard that Boston drivers are among the worst. That’s judgmental, but I can say that a significant number disregard traffic laws, lights and signs. When I first moved to Boston, my hands hurt just from clenching the steering wheel so hard, given that I was in a state of terror much of the time.

Then one day something came over me that allowed me to sit back and watch with the feeling “Isn’t that amazing? Wow, I can’t believe he did that!” This was not a judgmental perspective, more one of amused and detached interest and observation. My hands stopped hurting, my shoulders relaxed, and I felt a lot better.

I realized that my judgments and anger at the drivers had really hurt me. Increasingly, I’ve come to notice that every time I have a judgmental thought about someone not directly threatening me that I feel bad. This alone allows me to drop it, because I remember how much better it feels to be in the detached observer state. I don't feel good being a (potential) victim, and even the superiority of judging isn't enjoyable because I feel the anger and separation in it, the constriction of a frozen heart. That doesn't feel as good as the warmth of love and connection.

However, when I am threatened, when the adrenaline kicks in, detachment doesn't seem possible. Then, depending on the situation, I often do Ho’oponpono, (see the Resource Directory in The Relationship Dance) which reminds me that what is bothering me in the other person is also in me, since I’m also a human, and gives me something to do while I calm down. If I have plenty of time and a major issue, I do Byron Katie’s The Work, especially the “Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet.” I’m also adding in Ellie’s Vagus Nerve Breathing method from the Prosperity Hormone calls.

It often helps to remember that I have in some way attracted the situation, through carelessness or a lowered vibration, or even that there is simply something positive I'll get out of it I can't understand yet.

This happened when I was alone in an airport van parked on the side of the road in a snowstorm and the van was rear ended, giving me a bit of whiplash. I called my sister, whom I was going to visit, and asked her to find a chiropractor or craniosacral therapist for me. When I got to my sister's, we went straight there, and I got straightened out. The insurance of the driver at fault paid for the visit.

The good that came of it was that the chiropractor we saw turned out to be very helpful to my sister, and she probably never would have encountered him, had he not been the only one available at that time.

Now, of course, I have even more resources from my fellow Relationship Dancers, but I like to add to my resources. What helps you get out of judgment and thaw your heart?

Namaste,
Hedy
Awareness Transforms
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