Are you trying to communicate with someone who just can’t hear?

Have you ever thought you’d made yourself perfectly clear, and yet it was as if the other person didn’t seem to hear a word you said? Perhaps you felt angry, frustrated, disrespected, inadequate, hopeless, or another unpleasant emotion, depending on what you thought was the reason they weren't listening.

There are lots of reasons that people don’t hear us, but most fall into two basic categories: communication skills and trait based misunderstandings.

There is always the possibility that we aren’t communicating well. If we use blame and judgment or act the victim instead of using “I” statements, most people will not be centered and grounded enough to listen to what we are really saying, the needs or pain behind the accusations. So learning how to communicate well can help here. Non-Violent Communication, Crucial Conversations, Active Listening, and other techniques can help us learn how to communicate so that we have a much better chance of being heard. You can learn more about them in the Resource Directory in The Relationship Dance.

One of the reasons people don't listen is, of course, that it would be inconvenient or unpleasant for them to do so, but this is based in fear. A person who feels good about herself can accept reality and hear strong criticism. She'll evaluate it, accept or reject it as seems accurate, and if accepting, use it gratefully to change course.

People who feel inadequate may put up a façade of competence and self confidence, but if they are unable to listen without being thrown, you know it’s just a façade. Most of us have some feelings of inadequacy in some area or are vulnerable when we're stressed. That’s why it’s important to make the other person feel safe when communicating something important, as Crucial Conversations teaches us how to do.

Sometimes the person really doesn’t care or has her own agenda, but in my experience, this is rare. Often there is a misunderstanding based on trait differences. Trait differences make two well intentioned people assume that the other is ill intentioned or stupid.

For example, Erica’s boss, Grant, told her that they were considering acquiring a new company and could use information on revenues in the past five years. Erica spent a whole week on it and turned in the report to Grant, who was incredulous. He told her he hadn’t wanted that report. She said, “But you told me to do it.” He was sure he hadn’t, she that he had, and they were furious with each other, Grant sure that she was impulsive, Erica that he was indecisive and irresponsible.

The boss was an Interactive Thinker, Erica a Quiet Thinker, his opposite. When you don’t realize your traits, miscommunication is easy. They were still thinking badly of each other two months afterward, until they learned about how these traits operate. They'd wasted lots of stress hormones before they understood what had happened and how they needed to communicate in the future. You can learn about it at http://www.traitsecrets.com/chapter.htm.

It happens so often with traits, and people can go years without realizing what’s going on. It was only after I learned about traits that I realized a trait difference with my husband had me thinking he was an irresponsible procrastinator, and him thinking I was a uncaring or a wimp. Understanding traits sure helped our relationship!

Without all that thinking and judging, animals have it easier. Baby Squirrel here quickly realized no communication skills would work because its companion lacked the essential trait of auditory ability. Sometimes you just have to realize the situation is impossible. But it's rare to find people with actual stuffing between their ears in our human world, and if you try to talk to them, people will think you are strange.