I posted “Overcoming Chatter and the 6th Grade Science Project” yesterday which would give you a little more background, but in a nutshell.....Oh, by the way, did anyone see Austin Powers? “I’m in a nutshell, I’m in a nutshell”....that was SO funny, but it has nothing to do with this. Anyway, in a nutshell, I did a science fair project that tied for 1st place. The experiment was “Toothpaste. Does It Really Wear Down the Enamel of your Teeth?”
The judges made their decisions and put ribbons on the winning projects. That evening, it was open to the community (the lucky parents) for all to see. We were supposed to stand by our projects and talk about them to anyone interested or at least those seeming to be so. I seriously do not remember Marge (my partner) helping me out there. I'm sure my parents were proud; yet I have no memory of receiving any noteworthy recognition. However, sometime during the evening, I said the magic words....."Maybe I should be a dentist.” It was as if my Dads head flipped around and he cartwheeled over to me. He then chimed in, “You should!”
I now pay attention to the word “should” It is a red flag word. I stop and examine what I am saying; check out my motivation. For instance in this case….Am I really interested in the field of dentistry? Or, am I saying what my Dad wants to hear? At that time in my life and for many years afterward, my priority was pleasing everyone if I could. I definitely got it right that night. My Dads face was aglow. Somewhere along the way I must have learned what to say to make him happy and get his attention. The, yep that’s my girl, kind of attention. This was the moment the whole dentist thing began….Debbie the dentist. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with dentists or the field of dentistry. It’s just that if you know me at all, you’d be on the floor laughing. I am not a medical type person.
It became common knowledge in our family that I was the "expert” on teeth and ALL things teeth related. I even wiggled and yanked out some teeth other than my own. If ever there was a tooth issue, my mom or dad would say, “Have your sister look at it” I diagnosed a cavity situation one time and it became the defining moment. It was my calling to be a dentist. I don’t know how it happened but the idea took on a life of its own, started snowballing. I kept up with the charade so long and so well that I seriously even started to believe that I wanted to be a dentist. I switched from saying “I should be a dentist” to “I want to be a dentist” In latter years I’d say, “I want to be a dentist but, X,Y,Z” attempting to create some kind of escape hatch. But, it seemed to make my parents, primarily my Dad, so relieved and proud. I didn’t want to disappoint them. None of this was very conscious at the time mind you. It was never a "thought out" plan.
My behavior USED TO be based on the way I felt about myself. The way I felt about myself USED TO be based on how I perceived people felt about me. However, I am changing this now. It isn’t a snap, whizbang overnight project. It is a process. I am learning to trust myself, and to believe that I am enough, just as I am.This is a fundamental requirement to honoring ones truth.
Long after it was clear that I was never going to be a dentist; my Dad would still bring it up. Kind of like this, “Well, there is always dental school you know” It seemed his solution for any problem I encountered; any floundering around I was doing, his answer for just about anything that was going on in my 20’s. God love him. He did the best he could. He felt that school was the answer to everything. Maybe it was the times. If nothing at all, a woman had to be able to type with lightning speed to survive in life. He often told me that the things I loved, like art and music, were only meant to be hobbies. He would always say to me that I could be a “such and such”, and do my art and music as a “side thing" Both of my parents were really big on my pushing most everything I did over to the “side thing” category. What I heard was that I could only be who I truly was in my spare time and maybe on the weekends. Most of the time, I had to be someone else in order to make it in this world.
Whatever I did or said I know now was a desperate attempt to control situations. I was a chameleon, shapeshifting into what someone or some situation called for...or so I thought.....hoping to fit in, to do what I thought I "should" do, to be who I thought I "should" be......I wondered who I was. When I started observing my thoughts in the present, looking at my behavior in the past....piecing it all together....I figured out some plausible reasons why I felt the way I felt and why I did the things I did. Knowledge is power. I don't feel so crazy. Often I say to myself, of course I would feel a certain way, act a certain way based on my history and the information I had at the time. But now, based on new information, things I have learned about myself, I can do things differently. I can Honor My Truth!
Debra Hadraba
Honor Your truth
Inspiration+Action
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