My Break-Up Song "Judas Does" (song lyrics)

Dear Courageous BraveHearts,

This past year I ended a relationship that spanned over 15 years. We began as friends and it grew into a full blown love affair. Letting go was one of the hardest, most painful things I have ever done, as silly as that may sound.

I was so afraid to break up with him. He showed no respect for me at all, but I feared I would be making a big mistake and I couldn't trust myself. I thought I would regret it and live out the rest of my days unhappy and alone. All the while missing him as he went on to marry and treat his wife like a queen because she deserved it and somehow I did not. These are some of the stories I made up in my head.

I thought if I could be this or that, change this or that, do this or that... he would stop the lying and the infidelity. I thought if I was a "better" girlfriend and I addressed all of the things he said were an issue, he would commit to me and really be present for the relationship. I felt something was definitely wrong with me. If I could figure it out and fix it, then I would be deserving of his love.

The manipulation ran deep and wide into all areas of my life. I was traumatized by the continuous betrayal and I couldn't understand why I allowed this to go on and on and on. Why did I keep lying to myself? I kept saying if he does this one more time, I'll break up with him. I kept saying I need more proof that I'm not imagining this whole thing. I kept getting proof and each time it got more and more horrible. I still doubted myself and waited.

One day I was finally done torturing myself and I said goodbye.What happened that day wasn't really any worse than any of the other times. It had been clear to me more than 3 years ago what I needed to do. I felt it in my heart, but I wouldn't trust it and follow it. I would go up into my head... past stuff, future stuff...and I paralyzed myself with fear. I felt that I would cease to exist if I left him.

It was sad to let go of the potential... that's all there really was... amazing potential for love and friendship. If I am honest with myself, it never got beyond potential. I lived the fantasy of what it could be and I didn't want to let go of something that was never really there from the beginning. Fortunately, I journaled in the tough times. I recently read through some of the many notebooks. I could not believe what I put myself through. It was evidence of the profound lack of trust.

Not only did I let go of him, I let go of the resistance to trust that I was putting forth. It was a powerful negative force. With this trust I have reclaimed and freedom I have received lies a responsibility to now honor my truth. It requires courage. Aristotle said, "Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality that guarantees the others".

I have been repeating these patterns for a long time with men. They have gotten worse. I have been attracting the same type of man and relationship. It is time for me to change. I have the courage to change. I choose to trust myself. I follow my heart and I am worthy of love. We all are. I turn in the direction of nurturing love. I am both the healed and the healer in this love. I will accept it. I will Honor My Truth!

Here are the lyrics to my break up song

JUDAS DOES

I’m in the backseat
Where are you going?
It’s not familiar here look around
I’m in the backseat
Look in the mirror
It’s your best friend
You’re bringing down

And I pray hard
Pray to the angel
On the dashboard leading us home
She doesn’t hear me
No she doesn’t hear me
We’re farther from heaven
And I’m feeling alone

AND JUDAS DOES WHATEVER HE DOES
WHENEVER HE WANTS, DON’T EVEN TRY
LET HIM CUT YOUR HAND, SPARE YOUR HEART
IT’S A SACRIFICE
JUST A LITTLE PART OF YOU
DIES
SOMEHOW SOMETHING SURVIVES

And I’m riding along
Let you take me down
Let you take me
I’ve been here before
I recognize this street
But this time
I’ll do it differently

And the wind blows
In the window
I can breathe now
I’m alive
Watch the road go by, hold the door close
I’m gonna jump out
It’ll hurt, I’ll survive

AND JUDAS DOES WHATEVER HE DOES
WHENEVER HE WANTS, DON’T EVEN TRY
LET HIM CUT YOUR HAND, SPARE YOUR HEART
IT’S A SACRIFICE
JUST A LITTLE PART OF YOU
DIES
SOMEHOW SOMETHING SURVIVES

SOMETHING SURVIVES


Debra Hadraba
Copywright 2008

Love

Debra
The Honor Your Truth Community