I was sitting in my sixth grade science class at St. Michaels when it was announced that there would be a science fair. I can't remember what my teachers name was? I was thinking it was Mr. Mannix, but then that was a TV show about a detective named Mannix. Anyway, we would all be required to find a partner and do a science project for the fair.
I picked Marge. I have a story about Marge. She had kidney stones and missed school. She was gone long enough for everyone to notice her absence and wonder where she was. I had no idea what kidney stones were, but when kids asked me what was wrong with her, I said confidently, "You wouldn't believe it, but a stone somehow flew in her mouth. I don't know, maybe a bird dropped it in!" Believe it or not, I remember saying exactly that. I don't know why I made that up. How weird? What would the point be? I remembered this when a friend of mine had kidney stones. I asked him, "Well, why didn't you keep your mouth closed like I told you to?" No I am kidding, but his condition did jar the memory loose.
I have thought back about that tall tale and have tried to come up with a reason for it. Did I simply want to appear in the know, in the loop? I have a vague sense that I felt I had to have an answer for every question. Partly because I am the oldest in my family, but I also felt I should know everything, be perfect. I shouldn't need help. If I knew everything, people would like me. Where did I get that message? I received many of these "messages" a long, long time ago. These "messages", also called "old tapes, chatter, static, noises in the head, etc.", are underneath the reactions I have to the outside world and how I feel about myself. My perception of things was already being run through this filter at a very young age. The "message" here is that if I can be perfect, maybe people will like me, maybe people won't leave me. How I behaved was in effort to avoid pain and abandonment. I had already experienced that and wanted to avoid it if at all possible.
With a more accurate diagnosis and treatment than I could provide, Marge got better. There we were, a few years later, coming up with an experiment for the fair. It was decided that we would do an experiment about toothpaste. "Does toothpaste wear down the enamel of your teeth?" Don't ask me where we came up with the idea. We collected teeth that had fallen out of our younger siblings mouths, at least I think we did. I don't know where else we would have come up with these said teeth. Unless of course there really is a tooth fairy, and we had connections with her. We brushed these little teeth with various toothpastes and attempted to measure how much any of them wore down the enamel. If any did, which brand wore them down the most. One tooth per toothpaste. I remember we used that red gel one. I wonder if you can even get that toothpaste anymore. Oh yah, it was called Close-Up. It can't be too good for you. We ran this experiment for one month, collected data, and made an elaborate display for the fair( I am an artist, so I was all about the display) I made up all the data. I did some brushing, Marge didn't brush at all. We never discussed cheating. I just took it upon myself a few days before the project was due. She never said anything.
My teacher, I'll just call him Mannix, interrupted my math class with Mr. Vaughn, and asked to see me. I followed Mannix out into the hall. Marge was in another math class, he never talked to her. I was scared. I probably turned really red. I always turn red if I lie because I am so ashamed of myself. I don't like lying. I grew up with a lot of lying, but that's another story. I was in big trouble now! With all of the "chatter" in my head, doing something wrong had huge consequences. Don't pass go, go straight to jail. No one would like me, everyone would leave me. Mannix looked at me. The results were in....we tied for first place! Can you believe it?
Mannix went on to tell me, that although we tied for first place, the other team would be taking their experiment to the regional science fair. Only one team was allowed to go to regionals. I never did find out why they were chosen over us. I think I cried. I don't remember, but I am pretty sure I did. Mannix wanted to tell me himself, in private. He was probably afraid that I would be very upset about it and maybe even cause a scene. My teacher reports always said I was highly emotional, didn't take criticism well, etc.etc.etc. My mom gave me some stuff recently and the report cards were in there. I found evidence of this as far back as the first grade.
Clearly I am not a scientist, medical doctor or anything remotely close, but I know behaviors are at least partially learned. That being said, I believe that most behavior is a result of how we perceive things to be at the time and what meaning we attach to that perception. The "chatter" in our head can directly effect our perception, which in turn effects how we react to things and how we behave, which in turn can even reinforce the "message" itself. The "message" that I am not enough, just as I am. This can cause perfectionism. Perfect is impossible, but if your life depends on it, if you believe no one will like you and everyone will leave you, you will sure try to be perfect. This can cause one to behave in such a way that alienates people. If I allow it to it can then reinforce the "message"----I am not enough, just as I am.
All this "chatter" doesn't just disappear, even if we aware of it and know it isn't true. However, we can honor our truth, even in its presence. The more we honor our truth, the quieter, fainter it will get. Oh sure, it still pops up and surprises us some times....especially when doing something new....but we can still move forward. I actually feel I am probably on the right track if I do have chatter. The more we trust, the more evidence to the contrary we gather.We are enough just as we are. We can Honor Our Truth!
Debra Hadraba
Honor Your Truth
Inspiration+Action
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