"Fall-Back" Plan Episode Twelve

Welcome to Honor Your Truth

The “Is It True?” Series Episode Twelve

“You better have a fall-back plan”

Back in 1991, I had a flood in my apartment. I was living in Chicago in the basement of a 2flat. I lost nearly everything. I remember standing there alone in the middle of this terrible storm, watching as the water rose over my feet and started climbing up my legs. It was a torrential downpour outside and the drains in the street were clogged with leaves. I was on the phone with my mom, scared and crying. I had just gotten a divorce the year before and I felt like my whole life was disappearing. I even remember saying that I felt as if my spirit was dying. The final straw was the drowning of my physical stuff. If it wasn't soaking wet, it smelled and was a mildewy yuck. I had a large box full of memories in my storage area on the floor, most of which was completely ruined. Whatever I could salvage, I put in a trunk. I sold my guitars and all my equipment, even the gentlest reminder of who I was, and I moved to Minnesota soon thereafter.

I told very few people my story. I never spoke about my past. No one knew I was an artist, a musician and a writer. They new me as the “artistic type” They would say ooh you’re so creative. I would say “thank you” as if I had never heard that before. I don't remember exactly when or how I completely stopped being me, but I did. My passion for anything, including life, began to dwindle. I seriously felt I knew nothing about myself anymore. I couldn't tell you what I liked to eat, to wear, or to do. I have a few pictures of me during that time. I look tired and a lot older. I am always wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, always.

I had taken a job that I said I would never do again…..waiting tables. Before I knew it, I was the GM. I’m a “hard worker” and have defined myself by this. Sure, I’m good at it, I enjoy it, but I can do it in my sleep. I’m creative. I leave my mark on a place and it’s never the same once I leave. It’s been fun, it’s been real, but here I am the general manager again and I’m wondering, “How did this happen?” I said I wasn’t going to do this. Yes, I learned and earned a living, but I had a gnawing sense of emptiness. I couldn’t even listen to music anymore because it was too painful. In the restaurant business, there is a term called “turn and burn”. It means that you are whipping through the tables, one after another, you get the money, and move on to the next. It is a mindless process….like a machine and that’s what I felt my life was like…..turning and burning. What started out as my “fall-back plan” became “the plan”.

Recently, I had the puzzle pieces of my life strewn all over my kitchen table. It was 3 am and I was going through some old photographs and what not I had saved in that trunk years ago. I never looked in there because though never forgotten, these were times long gone. I was having revelation after revelation because it was like discovering I had another lifetime, another me. I imagine it could be similar to the experience of finding out you have a twin somewhere else in the world. This was some other person who went away and left only a faint shadow behind. That was then and this is now, almost 15 years later.

While ruffling through this trunk, I came across something that I had written for a booklet that someone put together for a “Swing Choir” reunion. I don’t remember when the reunion was….I think it was in 1989 or 90. We each wrote a little something about what we had been up to lately. I closed my statement by saying “I have done a lot of waiting tables and living hand to mouth, but I’ve done a lot of performing too, more than anything, I write.” I just stood there. I had to read it again and again. It was right there in print and in my own words. I’m a writer. I enjoy writing. I always have. This is not new. It is a part of me that I had let go of…..and by choice?!?!

Just like I chose to let go of what I truly felt a passion for, I can choose to reclaim it. It’s always been mine and it still is. We all have a passion and a purpose deep within our soul……a reason for being here. It resonates through and with the action we take from the inspiration we receive. I chose not to act on that inspiration anymore and little by little, it withered away. I then chose to reclaim it by taking one simple step back towards it. That’s what I’ve done. You can too. Honor Your Truth!

Debra Hadraba
Honor Your Truth
Inspiration+Action