“If you love somebody set them free, if they come back, they are yours forever, if they don’t, they never were”
I counted my boyfriends once and it was scary. I am the quintessential serial monogamist. I remember my Dad sitting me down in my early 20’s and telling me, “What you don’t understand is that you will learn to love him” ……so why not pick the one with money. He was speaking specifically about the boyfriend who was a rich, rock star type boyfriend. Not only was he the super cool boyfriend, he was very good to me. Everyone in my family was disappointed when I broke up with him. I think my brother was most upset, but he never said anything to me. He was in high school at the time. He and his buddies went to every single concert there ever was in the area….backstage passes, everything. Can you imagine? Aside from all of the “perks”, he was caring and funny. We all genuinely did and still do love him. It was down home at the Hadraba house. Every time I visit my family…and I really do mean every time….my Dad asks me if I have talked to him.
I fell out of “love” with him. He was a workaholic. He was afraid of intimacy. This is just what I think. Most of my friends consider me doctor-like. After any given diagnosis, I say “I am a doctor, you know” and they never seem to argue. I am known as the “psychiatrist on staff” most everywhere I have worked. I am familiar with every anti-depressant known to medical people, but that is another story. If there is such a thing as past lives, I was a doctor unless I was a criminal. It is also entirely possible that I was a criminal which would explain my intense feelings of guilt. I think my parents secretly hope there is such a thing as past lives so I would stop blaming my Catholic upbringing. Unfortunately, they can’t really pass the buck to a past life because it is in conflict with their religion.
I am probably not that unique and everyone is like this……I have great insight into other peoples love lives, but not so much into my own. Well, I have the insight, but I am often too paralyzed to use it wisely. I give super guidance that I am often unable to follow, as much as I might want to. My closer friends have accused me of this and you know what….they are right! I have heard myself say “I don’t know what to do” far too many times where relationships are concerned. I feel like a broken record. Even God is probably sick of me. If I do know what to do, it takes me forever to do it. I keep waiting to be sure and of course I never am. I am back to considering every possible angle in an attempt to avoid any pain……like I said in my article, “Making Decisions and the Hair Dryer”
I had 2 boyfriends once. I liked them both for different reasons. Not unlike any other situation, I did not know what to do. My sister, who is 20 years younger, was like 7 at the time. I asked her. I asked her everything. She said Beedee (the name my family calls me), “Dump ‘em both” Yes, that is seriously what she said. She is a genius. She is getting her doctorate in psychology. Currently, she is a middle school counselor. Can you dig it?
I can look around for advice, I can ask all my family, my friends, I can go to a therapist, I can consult my horoscope, a psychic, or the stars…..but the real answers are within me. If I get quiet enough to listen, I can hear. Eventually, I trust myself. It just takes me sooooo long. I started practicing with the smaller things. Love is trickier. I trust the process and I am learning faster now. I can Honor My Truth!
Del.icio.us
Digg
