I get up, I go to work, I take an itsy bitsy break, I go back to work, I come home, I go to bed, I wake up, and I do it all over again. This is my schedule. I don’t need to write it down. I know it and I am not whining. I chose this and I love my job. Despite loving it, I’m leaving it. Why? because I feel that I am called to do so……my heart is not at rest. I am in motion. You can love a thing, and still want to leave it. It’s ok to miss something. It takes a lot of courage, but it can be done….a leap of faith, despite the fear.
I’m fazing myself out….training myself right out of a job. I will be done soon, and then I will come and go, as needed, until the fall. October is crazy busy. What with the Pumpkin Patch and Fall Festivals, the fall colors; some of the busiest weekends of the season are at the end. The staff, which is primarily made up of students from Eastern Europe, will have all taken off to travel, leaving us short handed. So, I will come back here and work, much as I am now, all day, every day until we close at the end of October. I am not here the entire season, start to finish, but I have not left entirely yet either. It’s all good. It is a period of transition, spanning over the last 2 years.
While I am not doing all that I want to right now, I am paid well. I cannot create with ease when I am worried about paying my mortgage. It takes too much of my energy away from what I am truly passionate about doing, so I compromise. The things I am creating require some serious “hay”. I thought about quitting my job and putting it all on a charge card so I could continue creating. I decided not to, but at some point, I may. Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do to move forward. I charged my guitar, my amp, all kinds of stuff because I didn’t want to wait until I made the money, once I felt inspired to play again. Since it was my hearts desire to play again, I trusted that I would make the money to pay the debt.
I felt it best to come here, where I am valued, and where I can make a bunch of money in the least amount of time. The challenge has been to set boundaries…..and to continue writing and working on my projects, if only a little bit every day. I find extremes much easier. This has been an exercise in balance. I would say I am doing fairly well. I have been uncomfortable at times because I am doing things differently, but I do it anyway. Right now, I often feel like I am not enough because I am not able to over deliver and do it all. I used to put in 80-100 hrs a week. I kid you not. I did it because it felt safer than following my heart. It was easy to trick myself. I am good at this and I make good money. I thought maybe this is what I “should” be doing. It got too painful to ignore the passion inside me. I can do this job in my sleep. I don't, but I can. I could work all day, every day…..and run.
Run from what my heart is telling me…..run from the uncertainty of change…..tell myself that I will do it later……listen later…..justify…rationalize. Wait. There are always good reasons to wait…..getting ready to get ready. I can keep running, but it will catch up with me. I do not want it to catch up with me on the last day of my life…..as I take my last breath. I asked myself some very important questions a few years ago. “Am I ok if I never own a restaurant, if I never work in another one again?” The answer was unequivocally, yes. I then asked myself, “Am I ok if I never play music again, write again?” I burst into tears. I missed it so much. Although I love what I do here, it does not fulfill me. I have felt a strong feeling deep inside me to write…to play music…..to create.
I am transitioning…..jumping out of the safety net….letting go. There comes a moment. There is always a moment…..a fork in the road. Follow your heart or not. Take a risk or not. I Honor My Truth!
I am thinking...there are no accidents, simply sychronicities...as I read your blog today.
As I was reading, I was feeling that you were looking into my life. I am also in a stage of transition and now knowing which changes I want... it is a matter of being at peace with what I desire, and not settling for less... I feel empowered.
I appreciated your lines, You can love a thing, and still want to leave it. It’s ok to miss something. It takes a lot of courage,
Thank you my friend for the dose of courage today, and all the best to you in your transition.
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