"One is Too Many, One Hundred is Never Enough" Episode One Hundred(video)

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The “Is It True?” Series Episode One Hundred

“One is Too Many, and One Hundred is Never Enough”

Dad always told me “when you have the ball, keep running.” Growing up, his dream was to coach major league football. Much of his wisdom was imparted to us using the football model, minus the blackboard and the chalk. He told me that I should never turn around to see what trailed behind me, so I didn’t. I looked ahead. He never warned me not to look ahead. Maybe I shouldn’t have looked ahead because it was then that I choked. Inches away from finishing projects, I have been know to panic. In the language of my dear ole' Dad, I came up with my own "play"... focus on the next 10!

Call it fear of failure, fear of success, its fear of something. With just a few more strides to get there, my head will take command of my feet. This has been one of those times...my head said, "feet, stay in bed." I know exactly how it happened. I started thinking, thinking, thinking… and I froze.

I was walking along just fine…doo da dee da doo da dee….and someone or something threw a cup over me like I was part of a magic trick. I immediately shrank to the size of a little person living on the island of Lilliput- the island that Gulliver stumbled upon in his travels. Suddenly, I am reduced to a small girl, one 12th the size of normal girls. I’m 6” tall and I’m living under a cup. I am like a child and I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing anymore. I no longer trust myself to know. These thoughts seem wild and out of my control, but they aren’t. It’s just a little game my mind plays.



Here I am and I can’t see a thing from underneath this cup. There are forces outside, currently unknown to me, swirling me around. They are hoping to confuse and elude the eye of any passerby who might stop and guess my location. I want to scream "pick me, pick me" so someone will come free me but it doesn’t work that way. I hyperventilate and worry. There isn’t any air. I mumble to myself “I’m never getting out of here” though I know it also doesn’t serve me to be so doom and gloom and negative. But it is dark and I feel trapped as I'm going through the motions that don't seem to be my own.

My mind’s a good magician, it could take a while to spot a sneaky slight of hand. It's had a lot of practice to keep me stuck in my own head. But the odds are one in three, fairly good compared to most. So I leave it up to chance and I wait. I do nothing, spin my wheels. I’m at the mercy of deception, if I'm letting fate decide. Will a stroke of luck come find me? Am I a bunny in the hat and I will jump around the room, am I a flower in the jacket that bursts out in a bloom,,,or a white dove in a scarf that spreads its wings to fly?

No, It wants me stuck here curled up in a ball, hiding under one of its little plastic cups. It tells me that it’s safe here, that nothing needs to change. I know what to expect when everything stays the same. It fools me with its reasons and all its lies start making sense. But I can stop this if I choose to. I can picture the ball rolling.

All I need to do is tip the cup over and say I’m done. Tell my mind that I’m done playing.

This is really nothing new. I’ve been in this place before. I’ll be going along just fine and then I start to doubt myself. I'm not enough. I think too much. I analyze. I make it much more than it is. My mind starts singing its own song, thinking it’s so cool, “perfectionisticfragilisticexpialidocio us” If I stop moving and I listen, I get real busy stuck in time. I'm swirling, spinning, churning in my mind, Yah its safe to stay sheltered underneath the cup. But it’s a trick. You can't breathe there. I'm not free to move around. No matter what I do, if I move or I stand still, I never will be perfect; nothing will be perfect… unless of course I say it is, I see it is, I know it is....it is perfect in my eyes. I Honor My Truth.

Love

Debra
The Honor Your TruthCommunity