Last night was weekly date night for me and my husband. We hadn't made any special plans, so we grabbed some take out and headed to a beautiful park near our home.
We intended to walk around the park and watch the sunset, but shortly after we arrived, a chilly wind came up, and we were forced back to the car to stay warm.
We watched the sunset from the car, and started to talk about a book I had checked out of the library called
Hot Monogamy, by Dr. Patricia Love and Jo Robinson.
Earlier, we had taken a quiz in the book to get a sense of our individual relationship styles and discovered that, although we were very similar in most areas, we scored on opposite ends of the spectrum in a couple other areas.It was surprising to me because these two areas were where I thought we were most compatible.
So, we decided to reread each question and share our answers. Boy, did we learn a thing or two!
One of the sections where our scores we very different was Passion. And as we reread the questions, I asked my husband why he rated himself so low. After all, I saw him as "passionate" and thought we were "spiritually connected."
He vehemently disagreed. After some discussion,
it turns out that he and I had very different definitions of "affectionate," "passionate," "spiritually connected," and "surrendering to passion"---phrases used in the questions.
Since I tend to be literal, I interpreted the words at face value. I took the words "surrender to passion" to mean allowing myself to feel the strong emotions I have for my husband, not hold anything back.
He, however, attached mental images that evoked a strong negative reaction. He envisioned something like a romance novel cover---think Fabio, bare-chested and puffed up with an over-inflated sense of his potency on the female population. And "surrendering" to my husband means giving up, being beaten, submitting.
Needless to say, his translation was very different to mine. As a matter of fact, we had similar discrepancies in more than half of the questions. In the end, we discovered that we were, in fact, very similar in these areas once we allowed for the "language barrier."
So what's the importance of this?
First off, you should have a candid discussion with your partner about what "romance," "passion," etc, means to him. His definition may be very different to yours.
Next, use his definition to look back over the last few weeks for instances where he was being romantic, according to his definition. You may find that he's actually more romantic than you thought. And be on the look out for similar gestures from now on.
Also, try to create a new language using terms with which you're both comfortable. This way, there will be no misinterpretations. You'll know for certain when he makes a romantic gesture and thank him for it. And your appreciation will encourage him to keep the romance coming.
Originally posted at
Simply Red Hot, where you'll find more tips to move your relationship from fizzle to sizzle.
And check out “
10 Secrets to Simply Red Hot Relationships.”
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