Casual – what does it really mean? Better yet what does it mean to you ladies, in the context of a romantic relationship?
These days I am intrigued by words, and how they shape our interactions with others...
My search on the web revealed
the following definition: Casual – without a plan or method; free and easy; natural and unstudied; no effort or strain; offhand; in one’s spare time; hasty and without attention to detail; characterized by a feeling of irresponsibility.
My first reaction was: I would be comfortable with the definition natural, no strain, free and easy (and even this last word needed further clarification). Yet, that was about it for my level of comfort. Hmm… So I had to sit and ask myself why is that? Actually, if the truth be known, I did the think through while vacuuming, and cleaning out the bathroom.
My thoughts tumbled forward until the word
EXPECTATIONS popped into my head. At that moment, everything seemed to become a little clearer. Expectations is what is not mentioned in that definition, and yet, it is often very much the unnamed elephant in the room of relationships.
It would make sense that a casual relationship is one where there would be the least amount of expectations – expectations like getting a call every day or few days, being expected to accompany the other to an office or family function, the expectation to be somewhere at a particular time every week, the expectation to holiday together – expectations big or small.
However, in my mind, even if the relationship is casual, and freer of expectations – it would not imply that one could take the liberty to disregard the feelings of the other or behave in an irresponsible manner towards that other individual.
When referring to a romantic relationship – if I look at the next part of the definition –
“hasty and without attention to detail” – that leaves me with many visuals in various situations.
What is done with haste and without attention – The phone conversations? Communications like e-mail? The good night kiss or love making? Is it the meal prepared with and for the other? The gift that is picked out? Does that mean that the attitude of lame, or mannered comes into play, because there is less time spent together?
Next, the definition of
“in one’s spare time” – does that mean he or she gets in touch only when they have nothing to do, or nothing or no one more exciting to see and be with? Not sure I like this either.
Then comes the
“no effort”. Now in my experience, some efforts can be very pleasurable, satisfying and fulfilling. Not all effort is a strain or a pain in the royal behind. Most enjoyable experiences including relating to people, benefit from receiving intention and attention units in the process. The attention and intention units do not have to be intense or of long duration on the part of the giver, but their presence brings a quality of beauty and nourishment to the soul and being of both individuals. Even in a casual relationship, I would like to think that an essence of beauty and caring, along with feelings of satisfaction are present.
If I define a casual relationship as: has limited expectations, gives attention and intention units to the relationship in order to create an atmosphere of beauty, and where one can be nourished either emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually or all of the above; contributes to creating an atmosphere that is free of tension, and engages in a manner that is authentic and real vs mannered or lame – I believe I can live with that.
It was the unnamed elephant “expectations” that was tripping me up in some of the dialogue I have been having with my girlfriends.
For us girls, it was important that even casual relationships with men have an essence of caring vs being flippant with feelings.
So now I am wondering who can enjoy and live comfortably with a casual relationship? Is that something that only a certain type of people can enjoy? What about the folks who tend to be attachment oriented? Can they live with a casual relationship if both parties clearly define what limited expectations means for them, because we all know that everyone has a different nuanced definition of most words.
Does it all boil down to communicating until we arrive at an understanding of words – in this case casual?
When I look through my rose colored glasses I would like to see that all relationships on the
“casual to the married continuum” wherever they lie –be held with a certain sacredness, in the hands and hearts of those involved– that all relationships deserve someone who is present when interacting; someone who desires what is best for each other; someone who is honest, authentic, and real; where there is a balance of give and take; and where mutual respect reigns and each can grow and expand somewhat because of the connection – even if it’s a casual connection.
Now am I really being too optimistic???
Lynette Chartier
Ritual Divas Community
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