Freedom

"The caged bird sings with a fearful trill,
of things unknown, but longed for still,
and his tune is heard on the distant hill,
for the caged bird sings of freedom."
— Maya Angelou

The small window didn't provide much to look at. I could see only the corner of another building that intersected with the one where I was held. It blocked most of the view to the gardens but I could still see the open sky and the white clouds hanging like soft beckoning pillows. Every once in a while a pigeon or two flew by, dipping in the cracks of the infrastructure and sometimes, even stopping to perch on the window ledge. Their liberty to come and go wherever they liked teased me and deepened my longing for freedom.

I discovered if I stared long and hard at the sky....without moving or even blinking, I could feel it's energy pouring its life into me....and drawing me up and away from the dismal nightmare that I had been thrown into. Keeping my eyes fixed upward, I imagined myself blending in with the vast expanse of the open sky...flying up and away from the darkness with all its misery and frightening screams and strange people with bizarre behaviours and staff that enforced rules that made no sense to me.

Being trapped is the worst feeling ever.....not being able to come and go as you like....having someone else dictate what you can and cannot do....even when to eat or sleep or shower. But living physically free without having freedom is not much better.

Like that caged bird....I yearned and ached for freedom. Yet when I got it....I still wasn't free. And even after He touched me....freed me from the drug addiction - still....I wasn't free. Someone said freedom comes with a price. I think that's true. I learned I had to give up.....let go....surrender....to be truly free.

I'm free now to chose what I want....in life and from life...but it's a funny thing about freedom - now that I'm free...what I want....is to do what He wants...what He says....to follow His lead....

I struggled so hard to be my own person.....using my body as the battlefield....falling so far down....into some awfully dark places....making myself sick from a deep ache inside wanting to be free. And yet now I've discovered...there is freedom in not being totally free.