Saying Goodbye

“Never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave.” A. A. Milne

It was the middle of the night. My aunt woke me up....told me my mother was dead. Then she turned and walked out of the room... left me alone....alone in the dark. I was 12 years old. One year before...my grandmother who looked out for me...died in her sleep.

I've always struggled with good-byes. Whenever someone says good-bye....I panic. It feels like forever........finished....no more.....gone.

Good-bye triggers feelings of being alone....lost....left. Good-bye sounds so final....end of story.

Life changed after my mother died. Everyone left....left me and my sister alone...alone with him. And then my sister left....and I really was alone.

Saying good-bye is hard. When I say goodbye or when someone says it to me....I feel like it's a death....a huge loss....even when it's someone who'se not so important to me. I don't ever say good-bye to my kids. I'm afraid if I do....I'll never see them again....something awful will happen.

Good-bye hurts...it scares me....Even to let go of what I don't want..of anything that's familiar...But life is a series of goodbyes....of constant letting go...To hold on....to never let go doesn't allow other things..good things to come in.

In my head...I'm afraid...afraid to say goodbye...afraid to let go...but there's something I need to say goodbye to. I feel it. I know it. But I'm still afraid. So today...I'm going to practice letting go...to not being afraid to trust....to believe that in letting go....in saying goodbye...something better will come...