Not Glamorous but True

I had been mildly chronically depressed for over 20 years and I refused to believe that I had a problem. So what, If was not as happy and outgoing as most people, not everyone’s the same anyway. So what, if I rarely felt excited about anything, why get all excited, just to get disappointed anyway? I was always going through some situation or problem that was causing me stress and as soon as this situation was corrected, my joy would come rushing in. After there were no more major issues, I could not figure out why my joy had not overtaken me yet. I know I must be experiencing empty nest syndrome. My only child moved back home 2 years ago and we needed to work on healing our relationship. I had just moved across country to look for work a year prior to him moving back in. Not to mention a week before he got here the company I was working for downsized and I was let go. Still I was determined to conquer this situation and rise above. I moved to Arizona from Michigan experiencing low energy from my depressed moods add to that 115+ degrees for 4 to 5 months and no air in the car, I know I needed assistance to not go off the deep end. I began to talk with a therapist at the community college I was attending, I just needed to vent and get some things off my chest. I had been seeing her for 6 months, before my best friend for over 10 years, suggested Again that maybe I might want to try some anti-depressants. I thought, Really anti-depressants, me? maybe it is time to give it a real try.
I began taking Wellbutrine 150mg in January 2009 and after a few weeks I felt a little better, not so out of it. I had a little more control of my emotions and I continued to talk to my therapist every 2 weeks. She is a good therapist lays it right out there with very little sugar coating and I needed that. I was still not totally satisfied with the rate of my progress. I felt as though I was not getting worse but I was not getting any better either so I asked the nurse if I could increase my dosage and she agreed. I began taking 150mg in the morning and 150mg in the afternoon, still not satisfied with my emotional progression.
I have always been a self- help fanatic and have read almost every book under the sun. Almost 20 years ago, I began reading thing pertaining to ending domestic abuse in my life from there I went to Wayne Dyer to Positive Affirmations to be spoken day and night. I then learned about embracing my Inner Child and healing the wounds of the past. After obtaining my massage therapy certification, I learned about the emotions being stored in our muscles and cells throughout the body. Though I was aware of all this stuff, tools and techniques that could be implemented in my healing process, still in denial of my unnatural depressed state because it surly felt natural to me it was just the external problems keeping me from experiencing any joy. I’m sure it was not necessary for me to go through all these rituals and changes to improve myself. My depressed state is not that serious and as soon as my problem or situation is corrected, I’m going to snap out of this, without going through all those changes!! NOT!!
A few weeks ago I finally began to implement this tool and techniques. The Positive Affirmations in the Mirror, The talking to and nurturing my Inner Child, PRAYER & Meditating, exercising and eating better. I never had a problem with getting enough sleep, my problem is not having enough energy, though my energy level is not where I want it to be with vitamins and healthy habits, it is getting better. I have finally begun to feel like the wounds of the past, negative emotions, hopelessness about the future and my desire to isolate myself from everyone who’s out to cause me pain and suffering is beginning to diminish and I feeling stronger and more in control of my happiness.
I know it’s a long journey on a winding road with valleys and peeks; I just want to be able to look at the sunnier side regardless of my current situation.
I’m receiving a lot of help for very loving and caring individuals who found it in their hearts to help me go from depressed to delightfully divine and I will be forever grateful!