AnnaRose's Blog

I'm sorry to interrupt the flow of inspiration with this: Is anyone out there who's going to drive down to Tucson to the Meet and Greet on Sunday morning?
My friend and I signed up for the event when it was still on for Phoenix and now we don't have a ride to attend. We both live in Mesa and would appreciate a lift very much.

'Love is never lost. If it is not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.'

Washington Irving

Yesterday - last year - I sent all my facebook friends a Happy New Year smile. Today one of those friends sent me a message apologizing for not sending a smile back to me because in order to do so she would have had to allow the 'smiles site' to access her personal information and she didn't feel right about it.

I know exactly how she feels and I am so sorry that my friends may think that I sent the smiles in order to get some back when it is the 'smiles site' that makes it sound as if the sender wants a response in like.

Well, I explained to her that she should not feel obligated to return a smile just because I sent one to her. But I know that feeling.

To be honest, I always feel obligated when things come my way in the form of gifts or favors and my initial response is always to return the favor or respond with a gift of my own.

Today, I thought about it and I have come to the conclusion that we are in a sad state when we cannot give anymore just for the sake of giving because nobody can receive anymore just for the sake of receiving.

It is something I need very much to work on myself, because I have no problem to give but I still feel obligated to reciprocate when I am on the receiving end. The worst part is that this creates bad feelings and stress for me and I imagine for anyone else who suffers from the same 'ailment'.

So here is my resolution: accept gracefully what is freely given and reciprocate because you really want to and not because you think you have to. And..... don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

'It is better to give than to receive."

I don't recall where I heard it first but this aphorism is generally accepted as something to live by. Only, I realized recently, in my own life this saying has become an excuse to mask a particular problem of mine: I have the hardest time to accept help or gifts.

All my life I have done what I could to help out, to help others, to try and ease situations, to make others happy by surprising them with unexpected gifts etc.

But I make it a point to tell even and especially my family and friends not to trouble themselves with getting me anything for my birthday or Christmas or Mother's Day.

Now, that my children are all grown up, I find the thought of having to accept their help disturbing and frustrating, and there is nothing worse to my mind than the thought of becoming a burden to anyone.

The other day I had a talk with my younger daughter - well, actually, she had a talk with me (how things change ) and it made me realize that I never learned how to graciously accept anything from anybody. And I could tell from my daughter's words and expression, that I am not doing anybody any favors by not taking what is offered to me.

After all, aren't 'giving' and 'receiving' just flipsides of the same coin?

Now there is a powerful message: BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE!

Thanks to Suellis and the music video she posted for all of us ('Hug it forwad' by Tiamo).

I sent it right away to some of my friends and family 'cause I can never keep a good thing to myself.

Thank you so very much and have a beautiful day.

Every time I log in I go first to the blogs. But reading them is almost like an exercise to me. Or more precisely, like an exercise regimen. Kind of like a chore, one that you know you ought to do but like to weasel out of .

You see, I am not a young person any more and for most of my life I taught others and tried to be an example in my way. Then, after more than 20 years, I found that what I had passed on was not as true/divine as I first thought and wanted it to be.
It's been more than 10 years now, and I still struggle every day.

I've been told many times that I have 'a problem with authority'. Those who told me were mostly those with the authority.

Maybe it is that I am just too proud to listen to others, take advice, or appreciate someone else's inspiration.

But then.....why do I keep coming back here?

Thought for the day:

All of us could take a lesson from the weather - it pays no attention to criticism.

Just found a new word and thought I'd share it:

B E A M I S H

It means bright, cheerful, and optimistc.

So, lets all be beamish today.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Barb, for telling me about 'The Lonely Crowd'. I went to amazon to check it out and got to read some excerpts and I can't wait to get the book.

The few things I read were a total eye opener: 'The other-directed person wants to be loved rather than esteemed'. 'Those who are other-directed need assurance that they are emotionally in tune with others.' '...though other-directed individuals are crucial for the smooth functioning of the modern organization, the value of autonomy is compromized.'

It blew me away and at the same time it was as if someone had put a hand on my shoulder and pointed me in a new direction.

Thank you again so much.

And there is an added benefit for me : I'll be getting myself a decent dictionary. I am not what you would call an educated person and on top of it English is not my first language, but I am looking forward to the challenge and the new understanding both of the subject matter and the terminology.

I can't even count the many times I've felt out of place, as if I didn't belong, that I was different and therefore had no business 'there', among 'the others'.....
The same feeling that crept up on me a couple of minutes ago while reading blogs and profiles, questions and answers, ideas and infos.....
My first reaction is usually to get away, to make excuses, to try to become invisible, to leave unseen, and in this case, today, to unsubscribe from this website and hope nobody recognized me, so that I can go back where I came from and feel safe and calm again.
But then I decided to just write it out even though I struggle to keep the tears back while typing(selfpity or anger at being so weak?). And I keep telling myself I can't be the only one in this kind of dilemma and dammit! somebody has to come out in the open and start breaking this pattern.
So there it is. I am a woman and I am not an island and there are things I can't do all alone. And I'm being sick and tired of feeling out of place, inadequate, ugly and stupid. I don't want to be comforted or pitied or patronized either.
Maybe I don't know yet what I want or how I want to be, but I have a pretty good idea of how I don't want to be any more.
And that is all I will say about it for today.

Just finishing my first cup of coffee today. The sun is out and I had a sweet dose of vitamin D while listening to the birds making a joyful noise.
Interestingly enough though, I find at times I have to give myself permission to enjoy the sunshine and the quiet in the morning. Doesn't that sound weird?

Call me Anna.

I feel kind of silly writing this. Never done this before and can't say I know what this is actually good for.
Always thought, people take themselves too seriously. Don't think there's anything interesting about me or my life. Try to stay positive when communicating with others. Not that that happens too often.
Am trying this 'cause I don't know how to get in touch with anybody. In other words, am completely blog iliterate, community posts illiterate etc. etc. (haha).

Well, at least there's something to laugh about when next I check my own blog...