CelticLady's Blog

The following is copied from the January/February 2010 issue of DISCOVER magazine. The subject may seem depressing and focused in the wrong direction, but for me this article is liberating and enlightening. I welcome your comments. -Beth

ABUSE LEAVED ITS MARK ON VICTIM'S DNA

Childhood trauma may leave a lasting imprint not just on the psyche but also in the DNA. This news comes from McGill University and the Suicide Brain Bank, a Quebec-based organization that carried out autopsies on suicide victims who had been abused as kids. Across the board, their brains showed DNA modifications that made them particularly sensitive to stress. Although gene variations are primarily inherited at conception, the findings show that environmental impacts can also introduce them later on. "The idea that abuse changes how genes function opens a new window for behavioral and drug therapy," says study leader and neuroscientist Patrick McGowan.

During periods of adversity, the brain triggers release of cortisol, a hormone responsible for the fight-or-flight response. Due to differential gene expression associated with stress, the brains of child-abuse victims had lower levels of glucocorticoid receptors, McGowan found. Cortisol normally binds to these receptors; with fewer of them present, there is more cortisol and less resilience to feelings of stress.

In his study, McGowan reviewed medical records and police reports and interviewed family members to determine whether a subject was abused early in life. He then examined the subjects' brain tissues and found that among those who had been abused, glucocorticoid-receptor expression was reduced by 40 percent. "If we can identify how these changes occur, we can identify those a high risk and ultimately find ways to treat them," McGowan says.

(article written by Amy Barth)

I have written pages and pages regarding the “issue” of gay marriage (or gay anything, or lesbian, or whatever). None of it has been made public because I couldn’t get the words to feel right, to convey my real meaning. It didn’t feel complete. But I think I have finally come up with a clear and succinct way to express my views.

If homosexuality is a religious issue for you, then I quote Jesus: “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone…” (John 8:7) Or, skipping over the gender pronouns: “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” (Matthew 7:1)

Outside of that, look at the science. There is more information every day that supports the fact (call it a theory if you like) that it’s simply a natural variation among humans.

If that doesn’t sway you, and you still object, then I have one question for you: Why are other people’s personal relationships any of your concern?

Genuine expressions of love between consenting adults is something the world could use more of. If you think the presence of this particular human variation is “offensive” or harmful to you and your children, then I would suggest to you that narrow-mindedness, prejudice, bigotry and hatred that borders on (and sometimes crosses into) violence hurts the world in general and our society in particular far more.

Likewise, stripping a select group of citizens of certain rights and privileges based on religious beliefs or social bias is against everything America was founded on and has stood for since its inception.

Can we live up to our own ideals? Think about it.
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CHAOS is the Universe having a senior moment.
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I have a magnet on my frig. It says:

p e a c e . it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

I have a corollary:

PATIENCE is not just understanding and being there for someone.
True patience is not understanding – and being there anyway.

Patience, loyalty, friendship, or some other concept – what fits this definition best? I would appreciate your input.

Thanks,
Beth
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""The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."
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- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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Passions

We who do not let life lead us by the horns,
We who seize upon our hopes,
Our dreams, our passions,
Yet are we enslaved
By our limits, perceived or real,
That harness us and limit
What we say,
And do –
But not feel.

For feeling is of the heart,
And the heart is an unruly child
That goes where it will
And does what it wants
Despite our better judgment.

And if we try to take a measured approach
To matters of the heart,
The child will simply
Laugh!
And trip merrily on its way,
Despite reason or circumstance
Under pain of death for hope –
Which would be welcome, and well come,
But never quite succeeds.

For those of us who feel
Too deeply, too passionately –
We are out of step with the world.

But are we in step with ourselves?
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Some poems just roll off the tip of my pen. This one was chiseled from hard experience.
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Blank Perversity
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When the light at the end of the tunnel becomes
The mouth of a well from a hundred feet deep,
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And platitudes calling for “positive thoughts” seem
Naïve and obtuse and just no help at all,
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Carry no candle, and don’t run away, ‘cause
Escape is illusion: Let darkness surround.
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Hear the cacophony; feel the deep freeze;
Sit with it, stay with it, give it full rein.
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Despair takes control, there’s no reason, no rhyme –
And this cold, airless tunnel a torturous clime.
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Slowly it quiets, the ice melts away;
The darkness illuminates places within.
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Paralysis lessens and breathing returns;
You forge a new passage back into yourself.
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The unthinkable seems unremarkable now,
After all that you’ve seen and experienced here.
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It’s just one more challenge, and one you can meet;
Just rise to the surface and pull yourself out.
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The landmarks are brightening, vision comes clear,
And function returns to your head and your heart.
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Now life will continue, despite the rough path;
And you find yourself home, in heavenly rest.
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Life is not a means to an end.

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Does this require clarification? I know that I have spent a great deal of my life planning and looking toward completion of goals. I have sometimes caught myself thinking that "I will be happy when..." or "I will be satisfied if...". And the business side of this society tends to push goals, also. ("Where do you want to be in 5 years?" UGHHH!!) Goals are fine, necessary even, but when we put too much emphasis on the goal we lose the present. So my comment simply means "stay present", whether you are working toward goals or simply enjoying the moment.

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Edited by CelticLady at 05/29/2009 1:00 PM MST

I drag myself slowly, heavily, toward my goal. It takes every ounce of strength to feebly scratch and claw my way forward, clinging to the cliff face of now with single-minded focus, to one end: relief. Rest. A space in time when I can close my eyes and think of nothing, do nothing. Let others do for me, what little I will need. Six days in which to sleep, to be still, and allow some wonderful, caring person to massage my muscles in ways that will relax, restore, revitalize. This is my goal, to make it through to the day this journey into me begins.

I reflect, every so often, upon my life and the insane activity of the last seven, twelve, eighteen years. I am beginning to be able to step back, to see a longer view. I thought I was able to do that before, but now I see new dimensions. I have held tight, out of desperate need, to things, people, circumstances. Even when I knew it wouldn’t work, I struggled to retain some grasp of – I don’t know what. Now that I think of it, it was always about little things, though it didn’t seem so at the time. But it has all been swept away, and I see now that the fight to hold on was simply resistance to change. “The only constant is change.” I have always seen great wisdom in that, and I thought I was embracing it, but one wants some semblance of firmity in one’s life, some kind of grounding. Thus the desperate struggle to hold on. But one cannot hold back the tide. Your best hope is to be able to direct it a little. Mostly, we need to learn to go with it, instead of fighting it. So now I will change my focus. Now I will seek flow.

To be sure, one still needs something around which everything else can flow. But I think I need to reevaluate the nature of that centrality. It cannot be a thing; things erode over time. It cannot be another person; that is too much of a burden to put on anyone you care about, and both people and relationships are as fallible as anything else. And any given situation can always be depended upon to change. So what is my center? When asked in such a fashion, the answer is obvious: one’s center is oneself. It is within, not immutable by any means, but it is always there. No matter what the change, come hell or high water, you are you. “Wherever you go, there you are.” And if you are swept away, then you are still with you. If I can keep that perspective, even to revisit it occasionally, then perhaps I can learn new and better ways to respond, discover new criteria for making decisions, create new avenues of recovery when my best efforts have brought about something I was not prepared to face.

But all this will come after. I will ponder it, revisit and refine it, then let it go to percolate in my subconscious for awhile. I will commit all of this, and more, to the solitude of six days in a desert oasis.

Pax vobiscum.
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I originally posted the following thoughts in the Soul Power Forum. Then it occurred to me that it would make an equally good blog post, so I have added it here as well.

I have always felt that I have a certain power – a truth, if you will, a centering – in my being, and I have tried to use it to benefit others. I can often see the path between where someone is coming from and where they want to go, and can help them find it – if they choose to allow me. I am a good communicator, often a translator between two parties with differing styles of communication. But it has not often been given me to see the ways I have helped; most times, my attempts to “make a difference” go unnoticed or unheeded. Perhaps this is as it should be. Nevertheless I do have those rare illuminations, moments in time that seem trivial on the surface, but they stick with you and just by their tenacity you know you have made a difference. I cherish those moments.

I have often wondered why it is so rare that I can “make a difference”. Perhaps “making” a difference is trying too hard. Or maybe it is I who misunderstand what it means to “make” a difference. It is not "make" as in "to assist" (or INsist, more forceful), but "make" as in "to create". The difference is in the object of your own action, the recipient of your intention: another or yourself. It has been said that the only thing over which one truly has any control is oneself. If this is true, then any conscious attempt to influence – i.e. "make" as in "to assist" – anyone else’s change (difference) is not only futile but foolish. It is only in self-examination, self-scrutiny, self-evaluation, and subsequent realignment with our own soul’s desire, that we truly effect change. It does not happen with intent. It happens with action.

In order to make a difference we must be the difference we seek to bring about. We cannot force it; we must create it within our own lives. Sometimes this is as simple as allowing ourselves to be who we truly are. The influence then goes where it will.

First, a little history. In a way I've lived a "double life". My career was in computers as a database programmer/analyst, primarily under contract to various employers. This satisfied the analytical side of me and paid the bills. But I have also been very active in semi-professional music and amateur theater. I have performed in more than 25 plays, mostly musicals, with various community theater groups in and around my native Detroit, MI. I have also done some production work for these groups. I have performed in MI, IN, OK and AZ (places I’ve lived) with a wide variety of singing groups, from small ensembles and Renaissance groups to wedding bands and symphonic choirs. This has (at least in part) fed the artistic side. I also write, when inspired, but have not published. (That may be in my future.) I have spent a great deal of time and energy moving; at last count it was over 30 moves in 27+ years. Not all of those moves were entirely voluntary. I have been married three times, and am currently negotiating my third - and final - divorce.

Somehow I seem to have been granted the special privilege of experiencing BOTH menopause and a mid-life crisis (crises?).

It may not come as a complete surprise that I have been on disability for about 13 years with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes, with all the various complications that are attendant to those conditions. It took six years to convince Social Security that I was entitled to disability income, but that did eventually come through.

My mother passed away in 2005, after which my father took a fairly steep downturn in health, and he passed away in December 2008. During those three years I took more and more responsibility for his financial and medical affairs, as I was the only one of three children (I have two brothers, both in MI) living nearby. Having been designated executor of my father’s estate, that responsibility (plus my most recent move in October 2008, and my current divorce proceedings, the current season of the Tucson Symphony Orchestra Chorus, trips to Phoenix for treatment of a back injury, taking care of my two dogs, etc. etc.) have been the focus of my activities for the past few months.

And in my spare time … !!?!?!

At this point in time I’m totally exhausted. No, I mean TOTALLY exhausted. I have determined that my best move right now will be to take a little of my modest inheritance and take myself to a spa for a few days. (I live in Tucson, I’ll have virtually NO travel expense!) That will happen in mid-May, after my 2nd dog recovers from neutering surgery. After that, I will look at a few other plans that have been circulating in my brain recently. I think Braveheart will be a part of that.

But for today, my energy is depleted. Will write more tomorrow …

"I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it."
- Pablo Picasso

I think this group is different from anything I've encountered before - but life comes at me thick and fast, and I haven't had the opportunity to explore as much as I'd like. I'll get there, though. If I don't respond right away it's not a negative, just a pause to take it all in. Thanks for being patient. Beth