"Though none go with me, I will follow, I will not turn back."
I watched Though None Go with me last night. I had seen it before although I don't remember when. It made me cry. I thought it was a powerful movie about following God's will. It is not easy to say to God "your will, not mine." I've often times found myself grappling with this concept. "but, God I want it my way." "God, I was sure this was meant to be." It can be discouraging when things don't go our way. We feel good about something and then it is taken away. I've suffered many losses. My godfather died, my dog died, my grandma being sick, almost losing the house to foreclosure and it being in foreclosure again soon if we don't come up with money that we don't have at the moment. During all these times and continuously I ask myself why do these things happen. Then I remember that God has a plan. God's way is not my way even though many times I wish it was. It is not always easy to trust a higher power but we have to keep the faith. Many times I feel like giving up and then I try to remember there must be a reason why I'm here. There is more to life then this. I trust in God and in the end things work out for the best.
I have tons to do and don't feel like doing anything. Yesterday with my grandma really wiped me out. They are going to be transferring her to another hospital tonight. It is probably for the best and she is going to get a second opinion when she get's there since we are not happy with the surgeon she had. I did talk to my boyfriend. I broke down and called him but figured it was important to tell him what was going on even if I just left a message. But, he did answer and we talked for a while. I knew he was just really busy and so have I. I guess once in a while it's okay to break my no phone call rule with calling him as long as it is for a good reason and I'm not just trying to track him down. I feel like this is a test and I'm passing. I'm trying not to get sucked into the drama. I know he can be flaky at times so if he doesn't call or come over I'm trying to just let it pass. Trying to just detach from the situation and keep myself busy. So far it is really helping.
I also joined Summer Extravaganza on Braveheart women all about positive thinking. I'm looking forward to it.
I am using my myspace again for the most part. It is good for some things I just wish there where more people I actually knew. So if you want to add me www.myspace.com/christinafailla
Just let me know where you are from or I might not accept it
I just got back from the hospital. It was a very hard day for me. I was taking care of my grandma and it basically all went down hill. Her stitches came out her wound opened up. I was scared as I'm sure anyone would be in this situation. I called the home health nurse who luckily came by and checked on her. The wound was opened up and badly infected. So we ended up calling an ambulance to take her to the hospital. She waited for the doctor who finally got there and said she would try to find a surgeon who could look at it. Then none of the surgeons wanted to look at it since someone else had performed the surgery. What kind of crap is that? Then they wanted to transfer her to another hospital which they are going to tomorrow to where she had the surgery. It was a long day and I'm really tired but in a way I'm glad my grandma is in the hospital because now she can get the proper care that she needs. Me and my mom tried out best but we are not medical professionals.
I still haven't heard from my boyfriend. He never came over today or called but in a way I'm relived since all this other crazy stuff happened it really was for the best. I want to call him and tell him what happened to my grandma because this is important not me just being needy but needing support from the person that I love. Do you think I should call or e-mail him? or wait till he wants to talk to me?
How many sites are you on? I ask this question really out of curiosity. Because I am on tons of sites and really have to cut down because I feel like going to all of them doesn't really help me much. It just takes tons of time to update and then I get frustrated and don't want to work on anything anymore. For social networks I really like facebook and twitter. I used to go on myspace all the time but then it almost ruined my relationship and besides that not many people I know are on it anymore. I feel like facebook and twitter are more interactive and you can keep up with people better and respond easier. I also like the "like" feature and that you can share what others have posted. The same with twitter. If you want to friend me or follow me you can find me here www.facebook.com/christinajeanne22 www.twitter.com/christinajeanne
I have had tons of blogs. But, like I said before I just can't maintain them all and keep my sanity and keep everything straight. I am very fond of Xanga my only problem is I wish I had more responses. I am not looking to be a top blogger or anything like that I just want to know people like my posts and that they are getting read. I haven't had many hits of late. It is a bit disappointing to me. I also would like support if possible. I enjoy bracveheart women because it's women talking to women and it's also inspiring women a positive community. I am also on dailystength because of the support on it. Which at times I really do feel like I need. I think I will keep those ones but I am debating about it as well.
So last night me and my fiance picked our wedding date. I told him I really wanted him to pick it. He picked October and I picked the 19th because it's my godfathers birthday who passed away. I was so excited and still am very much looking forward to it. But, it is also very bitter sweet for me which I wish it wasn't. Because I told my mom and she was supportive but said she just wanted to make sure I waited long enough so that I didn't have any doubts. I understand her protecting me and my mom is also my best friend. I understand her caution just like I think his family has caution. Our relationship has not always been very good and three years ago I thought it was completely done I was heartbroken and devastated. So yes I can see why my mom would worry. But, there are other members in my family who don't support the relationship at all. They just don't like him and don't want me to be with him yet they never really give me a reason why they think this. I find it sad a bit and I wish they would be more supportive. Sometimes I feel like it is just another tactic to try to control my life.
* Sex and the City 2 saw this movie and despite the mixed reviews I really did enjoy it. I loved thefashion and it really reminded me of who I wanted to be and what I wanted to dowith my life. I always loved writing and actually that is one of the reasons Iwatched the show because Carrie was a writer. It reminded me about my passionfor writing. I had never forgotten I just started pursuing other things. Notthat there is anything wrong with that at all actually. It reminded me myspirituality and writing are very important to me and I realize I want to usethose two things and have a career out of them because I would rather dosomething that was important to me and meant something to me. I also stillsometimes consider being a lawyer and counselor. Those are other dreams and Ihaven’t put them on the back burner. For me those areas might reach morepeople. But, anyone I help in anyway is what I really want to be doing. I feellike these are all God thoughts that I had or angel thoughts. Only time willtell. But, no matter what I will preserve
watched the movie “The lovely bones.” I read the book a long time ago. Itcaptured my heart then and it captured my heart watching the movie. AliceSebold is a great author who takes her experiences and uses them in her novels.The lovely bones reminded me of death. That death doesn’t necessarily have tobe a tragedy. In the material world people look at death as being the finale.You leave your loved ones behind and everyone grieves. I thought this way for along time as well. I lost my godfather and it was heart wrenching for me. Inever went to the funeral I felt like he said goodbye to me in his own way. Iam not sure I really did say goodbye. For a long time and even at this momentit is so hard for me to let it go. I don’t want to say goodbye. Now I’verealized death is not goodbye it is really just a new beginning for the person.They are no longer in a body so they can do anything they want to do. They canlive out there own heaven they are in a better place and still living it’s justa different kind of life. This gives me comfort.
I often have felt the need to serve other people. I know we all have a mission on earth to serve a purpose. I have felt that mine was helping people in various ways. First through prayer and then in other ways as well.
It 2 Timothy states "The servent of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient."
2 Timothy 2:24
I've also had a lot of experince with prayer and being preservent in our needs being met. Prayer has met a lot of my needs. Most actually. Most times on a daily basis. an example of this is the other day I was having neck pain. It felt like I had a pintiched nerve. Pain was in my neck and going down into my shoulder. At times the pain got so bad I felt like crying and just wanted to sit down and rest but I was also working. So finally after having the pain al day I decided I would sit down and pray about this situation. There was nothing else I could do about it anyway at that time. So I prayed with what I've been learning. I am made in the image and likeness of God and that God does not create pain or misery. I kept praying on these thoughts and other things I have read in the bible. I then went home and read a spiritual magazine and feel asleep. The next morning I woke up and the pain was gone and hasn't returned since and this was a week ago.
"Press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" Phil. 3:14
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness and all these things shall be added onto you." Matt. 6:33
First I would like to apologize for not writing sooner and if you responded to my last message sorry I haven't written back. Things have been a bit hectic for me lately in both good and not so good ways.
To update everyone I am no longer working for my aunt. I only work for her part time now or occasionally when she needs me to work. I think I did mention this but decided to mention it again just in case I forgot too. I haven't had to deal with her too much and I feel like as of this moment my aunt is trying to make an effort. She took me to a movie monday night and we did have a good time. At first I was nervous but realized she was being genuine as best as she can be and ended up having a good time. It still hurts me the things she said about my weight and how I was a liar because she never said anything to me about my weight this is what she told my mom. I am trying to forgive and move on from this situation but also not be a doormat any longer.
My grandma was in this hospital she had her tumor removed. She is back home now and I've basically been spending my days taking care of her while my mom is at work as well as working for my aunt once or twice a week. It is not my ideal situation but I need the money and I don't mind helping my grandma even though it is not the nicest thing in the world to do. But, she is basically taking care of herself now except for a few things she needs help with so someone has to watch her just in case. the other night she fell down but she is all right it was very scary for me though.
My boyfriend came back yesterday and I was happy to see him but the day didn't turn out as I had planned. First I was really nervous as I hadn't seen him in three years. When I last saw him things where not so great. One week we where getting married and the next we where broken up. I knew I would be glad to see him but also be more cautious and have my guard up. I don't want my heart broken again. Then I was taken by surprise into meeting his family so by this point I was really frazzled and anxious. On top of that i don't think his family was really receptive of me. I know his mom likes me but I felt like I was intruding on his family gathering. I was glad he finally wanted me to meet his family and felt like that was promising but was incredibly nervous and they did see this. I'm not an outgoing person to begin with. I didn't talk much but was friendly I smiled and introduced myself. I felt like I was being ignored or not liked and that made me feel even worse. I'm not sure if they really don't like me or are just being cautious. I know his one sister spoke for herself and said she is cautious and just being protective of her brother and I said I do understand that.
I came home and cried because I was so stressed out by it all. I know his mom liked me and considers me to already be apart of the family but I don't want to have a relationship with in laws who don't even like me and my boyfriend is very close to his family so if they don't like me I'm worried this will influence him. I decided not to call even though I was going to because I read a book and what I've also learned in program about detachment. Not ignoring him but giving his space and I know he told me he had a lot to do once I left. I also think I hurt his feelings when I left earlier but I couldn't handle the anxiety and also his nephew had asked his mom when I would leave and was acting like he didn't like me and even said something to me that gave me the impression he wanted me to leave. So I thought it was best if I did. My boyfriend could also tell I was very nervous and I think that made him feel like I didn't like his family. I do like his family and I want to get to know them but I also don't want to go where I'm not welcome.
He did call me last night though and that made me feel better. I asked him if his family liked me and he said "yes but they kept asking me what was wrong with you?" And I told them "she is just shy." I don't know if them asking that is a good things or bad things since they asked what's wrong with me? sorry for the long post. Christina
Anger is something we all feel from time to time. Giving it and being at the other end of it can be a difficult thing. I've learned that with anger it can always be controlled. Yes we might have the feelings of anger and being angry but we never have to act on them. When we do we are just acting out our feelings and hurting innocent people in the process. There is never a good reason for getting angry at someone. You might try to blame the other person but that is just an excuse. In the end the only person it really hurts is you and the person at the other end of it.
I also know from experience of being angry and being at the other end of it that it never solves problems. It actually can make the situation worse.
God did not create us for anger.
"A soft answer turneth away wrath: But a grievous word stirs up anger:
_Proverb 15:1
I also know from receiving anger how sad and disheartening it can be. For a long time I was in an abusive situation with a relative. It hurt me very deeply and I felt like I was losing my self esteem. I was then filled with anxiety and grief that I never could please and would be scolded with wrath if I made a mistake after all I'm only human. I also was a doormat. Allowing this person to walk all over me and treating me this way because I never said anything. Then there where two incidences one where this person yelled and screamed at me and I told them "I loved them but didn't deserve being yelled at." Then another time where I said "I don't deserve to be treated this way." It felt good to put my foot down in a nice way. Of course this person did not appreciate it but I know it's what God wanted me to do. God wants us to stand up for ourselves in a nice way. I realized for a long time I gave things up that where important to me to please this person. I didn't go to school, I worked for minimal money, and didn't do things that where important to my well being. I realize now I was actually doing the opposite of what God wanted me to do. All out of fear. "Perfect love casteth out all fear."
This week I've been incredibly busy and my grandma is also in the hospital. When these things happen it can be easy to get discouraged and feel like there is no hope. But, without hope we can't keep going on and we get discouraged easily. I was reading an article about a woman titled "Why there is always hope." In the July 6th christian science sentinel. One thing she said really touched my heart. She was talking about how how her brother had committed suicide and at first of course grief took over. But, then she just prayed for him and knew that just because his physical self was gone that did not mean he was really gone and that he could even in death be lifted up to a higher spiritual level and that he was with God and still being cared for by God. So today that is what I'm trying to think about my grandma. She is being cared for by God and God is always with her even if she doesn't always realize it and the same is true for you too.
So because of this we can always have hope. And hope does lead to spiritual progress and happiness.
Please keep my grandma in your prayers. If you would like me to pray for you please e-mail prayandlove@ymail.com
I started a group and a buisness called “Pray and love.” It is about prayer and loving people treating them the way you would want to be treated.
In my mind and as a christian scientist this is what I believe if we love people and pray then we can solve so many problems. But, this has to be a global thing.
I will be writing articles related to this topic and I also have set up websites related to this.
You can find them at www.praylove.webs.com
www.prayandlove.weebly.com
prayandlove.ning.com
You can also join the group on Facebook under religion and spirituality
This weeks topic is Divine supply and demand:
I have been facing issues with our car being in the shop and we have been worried we won’t be able to get it fixed. At first it was really hard on me dealing with this and other financial issues. Especially since I’m not doing the 9-5 work grind anymore or at the moment. But, I’ve turned it into something really positive and productive. I’ve prayed that God leads me into the right direction. That is when I came up with the idea for Pray and Love. It is something I created to help myself and others through prayer and loving them. I have been praying for people which is something I really enjoy. Getting to share my knowledge and my love with other people. I also came up with the idea for Free spirited art. Since I love writing, scrap booking, collage, and photography I thought this would be a great outlet for me as well as a good business opportunity but once again it is mostly about showing my creative expressions and showing people I care. I want people to know and understand they are loved by God. There is nothing to fear because perfect love casts out fear. If you are struggling financially or in any other way please hold on. God loves you and you will be shown the right path. You don’t need to struggle because that is for sure not the path God has in store for you.
If you want me to pray for you I would love to. I am not a practitioner yet but plan on it soon taking the class instruction and enjoy praying for people. I love helping people and believe that is a purpose for me on this earth.
You can e-mail me at christinajeanne@live.com.
My God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:19
Here I am chasing my dreams but they don’t seem quite so far away
Here I am no longer broken just being me it’s finally free
Here I am if I cry it’s okay if I smile it’s okay why pretend when it’s all said and done
Here I am living the dream
Here I am making it just fine
Here I am standing on my own two feet
Here I am no need to say much more as long as I’ve got me and my God
Here I am once shattered now I’ve come back to life
Here I am no longer broken finally free
Here I am living my dreams
Here I am standing on my own feet
Here I am me and my God
Here I am once shattered now putting the pieces back together again
(c) July 6, 2010 Christina Jeanne/Shine Music
I watched the movie new moon after wanting to see it for ages. I could really relate to Bella and Edward him leaving and pretending like he didn't care or love Bella. Because that same situation happened to me three years ago almost around this time.
I got an e-mail from a girl saying that my boyfriend didn't want to be with me anymore and in some pretty harsh ways too. She was not nice about it at all. So I of course called him wanting to know what in the world was going on. But, instead she called me back. She basically told me the same thing to move on because he had no interest me anymore and never would.
Of course I was heartbroken because I've loved this guy since I was 16 years old. He has been such a part of my life for so long. Plus, we where planning on getting married and now suddenly everything I had known was gone. It disappeared from my life in just a few heartbreaking few moments. I can honestly tell you I experienced the same gut wrenching I don't think I can live without this person experience that Bella felt in the movie. I just wanted to lay down and let the world fade away.
I'm sure that sounds morbid and depressing but really this is not what this is about. I'm just saying that if you have had a soul mate and found out you could no longer be with them this is the feeling you would have.
Of course like Bella I tried to get by without him but as the days passed I was crying every night. I felt paralyzed really. All I could think about was him. Maybe this was not the right way to handle it but having your heartbroken is like losing someone in your family to death. One day they are there and the next they are gone only in a way it's worse because you know they are still out there somewhere living there life without you.
But, like Bella and Edward he came back into her life and explained to her that he did it all for her. He was just trying to protect her. He wanted to give her a chance to live her own life and be happy without him. My boyfriend did come back into my life as well. He was going to jail and he knew it too he wanted to protect me he wanted me to be have a chance of being happy without him. But, like Bella when you have a soul mate you know your life is better for having that person in it. "if you make me choose I'll choose him. It's always been him."
I watched the movie "The private lives of pippa lee" and thought it was so refreshing how a grown women finally finds freedom. She feels trapped in a marriage and in many ways she buried who she really was. She lost her young rebellious side her free loving spirit side. She lived to please her husband and ended up losing all of her being. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to make your spouse happy or other people. But, we can't do it to the point where we lose who we are and lose the joy that is in life. I can relate to that very well. Trying to please other people and just being a shadow on the wall instead of being the person that I am. The person that God made me to be. God doesn't want us to do wrong things but God also wants us to be happy. So as long as we are not doing anything wrong then we need to embrace who we are and have some fun and put the joy of life back into our life's.
I was listening to a radio program yesterday and was enjoying it so much. It was about how laughter and joy can heal us. I find when I'm sad and I genuinely laugh it makes me feel so much better. Now making fun of others or being sarcastic that is not being funny or genuine laughing. When we genuinely laugh it is not at the expense of other people. I've been on the other end of that so I know that to be true.
Today find something that brings you joy and makes you laugh. Celebrate it and embrace it. Have some fun and embrace the person you truly are.
I am no longer working for my aunt. A couple things happened these past few days that really made is possible for me to put my foot down. She yelled at me Saturday morning. i was late for work and yes that is my responsibility and I could not even say I was sorry because she was yelling and screaming at me. I didn’t say anything and once again tried to turn the other cheek. But, then on Sunday (my day off) she called up. I answered the phone and automatically she started yelling at me because she didn’t have the car she let us borrow since at the moment ours is in the shop. We are not really sure we can get it fixed because it might not be fixable that is what we are still trying to figure out. If we need a new car I am worried we will not be able to afford it. But, she called wanting to know what was going on. I told her in a nice way I wasn’t sure because I thought my grandma had said we could keep the car for the day. But, she kept yelling and screaming at me. This time it was not my fault and I felt like God was telling me I had to put my foot down this time. I was too scared too the day before but yet another incident had happened with her yelling at me and mistreating me. So I told her I didn’t deserve to be talked to that way and she should not be yelling at me. She told me I could “go to hell” I said don’t expect me to come back to work for you.
Yesterday she came over to the house and said she wanted me to work for her. I told her I don’t know how she expects me to work for her after she told me to go to hell and constantly mistreats me and yells at me. She was defending herself saying I deserved it and it’s my fault she treats me the way she does as usual. I told her the way she treated me was illegal and an employer can not yell and say nasty personal things to an employer it is considered harassment and abuse. She was still acting like she could treat me whichever way she wanted and never once apologized just kept making excuses like it was no big deal. I said she could go ahead and hire someone else. She yelled and screamed some more and then left.
I love her ad my aunt but I can’t have a relationship with her. She never even acknowledges that her behavior might be wrong or out of line and never apologized she always blames me for her problems and acts like I am lying or I deserve to be treated this way. With the help of God and support online I am realizing I am worth more then this. More then being harassed and abused on a daily bases. I’ve allowed her to treat me this way by being a doormat for three years and years ago when I lived with her. I walked away then but never told her she could not treat me that way. I finally stuck up for me and i believe in the end this is why it all happened. So I could realize I’m a worth human being that deserves better then this. It finally came full circle and for the first time in a long time I’m not feeling bad about myself. I’m feeling stronger and more loved by God, my boyfriend, and others.
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