Lately I have been having a lot of dreams that are all positive and almost as if I see myself in my future. I can visualize the house that I am in.....I see my children around me.....I work from home which I haven't seen so clear as to what I do but I am home for my kids.

My kids seem really happy (there is a lot of stress in my home now) I want to be positive I want my children proud of me. I keep getting stuck. I start out completely positive and then some where I just get lost and distracted. I used to have friends that I would hang out with and now I don't really have any. This saddens me because I feel that if you have the strong positive friendships surrounding you you do soooo much better.

I am not sad or bitter as to where I am at right now I am using it as a learning tool to be better. I will not shed a tear but I will strive to do better.

I would love to be an author or run my business (Avon) so I am a huge success....I just need to get over my fear and strive for more. I need to stop letting people intimidate me in believing that this is all there is.....there is more I know it.....I am dreaming about it.....

So I have decided that depression does not look good on me. I may be smiling on the outside but I was really hurting on the inside. My life isn't going exactly as I wanted it to and I have no idea why I am letting it get to me so much. I feel like I was in a fish bowl and I need to step out of it.

I can't be in a funk...I love to LAUGH...I love being ALIVE I just need to remember that when things start to get bad just turn it around and as Amy has said...Think a NEW Thought....

So here itr goes.......

Today i am feeling extremely overwhelmed. Today I am feeling lost no passion no sense of self.....Today I feel like the weight of my family is all on my shoulders. Today I feel like maybe I made some bad decisions or rather wrong decisions. Today I am sick and I am home for the first time alone and I am realizing that I am stuck in this rut and I am losing myself big time. Everything that is going on around me right now I hate. I laugh everything off and pretend everything is ok when I am actually feeling like screaming and crying....I bought things the other day to do scrapbooking I feel like I need a hobby for myself and there it sits on the table. I love to read and I haven't read in months because I cant find the time. I don't really watch TV anymore because there are too many other things that need to be done. I feel like I am having a pity party and I cant get out from under it all.

Today........I am just really tired

well my New Year is starting out with a BANG....my husband and I took a break for a little while and I am not sure how that is going to go....

I have no car right now so every day I am trying to figure out how to get to work and who is going to watch the kids and what if they need to come home etc.

I am trying to decide if I should keep my job that all I have done since I started was to try and figure out what to do with the kids, 2 hour delays when they are sick which i have 4 kids 13, 6, twins that are 4 and this is the first year all the kids have been in school and they have been sick a lot. Not all at the same time but for weeks it was one or the other so everyday I was trying to shuffle kids just to get to work....other than the big factor of money it doesn't seem to be working.....I am stressed every day and I can't do it anymore....

I need a miracle and I need an answer....I just don't know what to do anymore

My kids need to come first as well..... things have been really unstable in this house and you can feel the tension bad here I just wish there was a simpler answer so that I could be home and not have to worry so much....I need to work from home somehow so that my hours are flexible I don't need a lot of things we are happy with what we have but I just want to live without fear and anxiety of the everyday....

I haven't written a blog in awhile and I haven't been on this site in awhile either. I have been working in my new job since September and I have just been trying to figure out how to make everything work with the house, kids, job etc....a lot of things have seem to come up as road blocks and I know many people would say that they are lessons that I need to learn....I just wish I knew what they were or to be honest I might already know what they are but I am scared to face them....

One of the things is that I am not sure if the job that I am in is really the right fit for me. Its a job and that's all that it really feels like to me right now.

My kids I have been watching the past couple of days and I feel like they need me so much more than what I'm available for them....I spend more time doing everything else...dinner laundry cleaning that I am not really enjoying my kids at all....they know I Love Them but they really need to know that I am completely there for them....

My New Years 2010 Resolution......

I need to find a job that's my passion and purpose.....

I need to be with my kids more and have fun.....not just worry whether their room is clean....

I need to stop beating myself up over my marriage and if it is truly over I need to let it go...I can't do more that I have already done

I need to truly be good to myself this year and not forget that MY needs are important to make everything work

I need to find MYSELF

Ok so I was sooo excited to land a job so quickly...and now fear is setting in with a great force...I haven't been back to work in 3 1/2 years and I am having a lot of doubt in myself that I can do this.

Its only been one day but it was sooo exhausting doing the kids working picking up the kids etc... I don't know why I didn't give myself time to relax before I took on so much again

I do this all the time I get super charged and then I deflate now I am questioning everything that I am doing I am scared of failing and not just the job but with the kids my husband most of all myself....

Everyone kept saying it was going to be hard and I kept laughing it away and now I am here and i am FREAKING OUT......

So much for the power of me....

Today I feel like I have been hitting many milestones and I truly believe that I have been way more positive in my feelings and attitude that this is why.

I have all my children in school this year my twins started full day Pre K today so I decided that it was time to get a job...I have been home for 3 1/2 years so I am ready to go back to work...I went on 2 job interviews and landed 2 offers which I know is amazing....the second offer fell into my lap the job found me I wasn't even looking for it...that's fate....its 5 min from home, 5 minutes from school and as you know that's 2 big plusses when you have kids.

So I start tomorrow and I am extremely nervous and excited.....

Life is becoming more clear and I am starting to find my purpose.....

I have a lot of work to do but it is what it is.....

Aerodynamicall y the bumble bee should not be able to fly but it doesn't know that so it keeps flying anyway............. ....

Good Morning ladies....I am truly grateful today...I have been a stay at home mom for 4 years and now all my children will be in school so I started looking for a job and I got one yesterday....I only went on two interviews and I know how lucky I am to have landed one so quickly........

Its going to be a challenge on figuring everything out like 2 hour delays, sick kids, after school etc... but I am excited...I believe this is the right move for my future....everyone is on board so that helps....I believe I used the power of manifestation to get this cause this is what I really wanted.....

So have the power to believe and you will receive your gifts.....

I want to thank all of you for your wonderful advise and encouraging words....it helps to have all points of view...I am definately going to continue my journey because things are really starting to take off in so many positive ways for me....I am not allowing that to stop....but right now it is about me only because if I dont do something for myself I wont have anything for my kids to look up to...I want them to see my as a confident independant woman...then they will know all is well....so again Thank you all

Lately my life has been changing and its pretty scary...I am seeing things clearer than I have in a long time...I am starting to see that there is more to me than I am allowing out....

What is worrying me the most is that I am realizing that I am changing and my husband is not coming along he is rather fighting it and keeping the distance...what's really bothering me is when I was reading True Companionship it really hit me because I realize that that's not us....so now I am sitting here wondering what to do....I have 4 children 3 that are his...I am a stay at home mom and just started going on job interviews because all my children will be in school this year...there is a lot of change coming with all of this and this is where things are staring to shift....

I keep asking God to please give me the direction I am suppose to be going and what the right "choice" is but I also know that I want to continue to grow because I really am starting to like the real me....this is not a pity blog this is just saying it out loud for the first time....I am scared and confused.... I don't think my husband is going to come for the ride and the truth is the only part that is truly bothering me is that its going to change the routine of it all the ......comfort zone...but I am not scared of going it alone which is worrying me even more.....I would love for him to accept the change of who I am becoming but I really don't see that happening...so now decisions are going to have to be made...life is evolving....when I look in the mirror I am starting to say There I am instead of Who Are You?....

I wish I had a magic ball to see what the future looks like so I can start to breathe again.....

Today I realized that my brain seems to be stuck in auto pilot...I am studying the Easier Done Than Said program by Ellie Drake every day but whenever I write about it or say it my brain ALWAYS reverses the words....Thank you Braveheart Sister Bell and a heartfelt apology to Ellie....for some reason my brain is having a hard time adjusting to the flip on words....

My goal this week is to say it and write it correctly......

To Ellie this study is fascinating and so uplifting and its really making a difference for me in only one week I am blessed to have received this wonderful gift.....

I am finding my passion and living purposely every day....

Here is my horoscope for today.....

If you are not careful to keep your eyes straight ahead, focused only on the future, then the past is likely to catch up to you, Christina. Don't look back for anything. Even if you do not see anything in front of you, you must continue to move forward. It is true that this is easier said than done. Nevertheless, you feel inspired to give it a try.

Ok so as you know I have been looking for my true purpose and passion and some days it seems so hard because people in my life that I thought were a good influence are turning out to be toxic and negative....hard thing to realize....

I won the Easier Said Than Done package and have been so excited over it that I finished my first week of "study" and it feels really great...

So when I see my horoscope I am saying to myself this is where I need to be and go the signs are continually coming in little messages...its weird how when you truly listen to your intuition their are so many things that jump at you to keep you going....

So I am not stopping I am going to keep going even though its Easier Said Than Done

I don't know if this is my coming of age or I have just finally matured...lol but this year I am so excited about the fall season...I live in an area where the leaves change colors and its absolutely beautiful...you get to wear a sweater and feel cozy and warm....as I was looking outside yesterday and you start to see things change like my Pansies are pretty much done time to get some Mums that sort of thing...but I am truly embracing it..

I now love to decorate for fall change the pillows on the couch start looking for my pine cones just shift everything to a fall cozy atmosphere and then it hit me...

I myself have changed so much...I have started getting more comfortable and cozy within myself...I am embracing change more and more I am working on myself more and I am really starting to see the positive affects...

So I guess it only fits to change the seasons that I love...the younger days were summer now its Fall....

I realized today that I have been living a lie.....I say I welcome change and I can't live without it...when in reality that's a big fat lie...

I like to change my living room, bedroom, kids rooms, I like to change my style but in fact when it comes to actual change I am scared to death....Lately, I am running...the more I look and evaluate who I am I don't really like who I have become...and I don't mean I am a bad person I am just not really living the way I want to live....and its also not about my financial situation...its just me somewhere I put up a guard a wall etc and I am not really acting like myself...and when I do act like myself its almost scary inside and I am left saying did I really do that?

I want to be me again....I want the freedom of being me and waking up everyday and liking what I see and feel....I know this is all about discovering who I really am and that the process can be scary and right now I am lost....

I plan on moving forward but change is really hard and draining

So once again I will continue on and I know one day I will wake up and it will actually hit me as to what I am suppose to do....

Your Friend Along The Way
Christina

Sometimes when you are on the road to change or to find your passion and purpose it is really hard.....a lot of things get in the way....you start to question everything....and sometimes those that are close to you don't understand the change....

It is really, really hard......I am not giving up.....I stood my ground the other day it was hard to do and it came with a lot of negative thoughts and feelings but in the end it was FINALLY the right thing....

I love BraveHeart View...it is one of my passions...I never miss it and I always can't wait until its Tuesday....one thing that was discussed I keep playing in my mind is What do I really, really, really want? I want a lot of things but what do I really, really, really want and I am taking my time....I don't just want to put anything out into the universe...I want it to count...It works I really, really, really wanted to win Ellie's books and tapes I thought about it nonstop and I found out today that I won.....I have been doing the happy dance all day....

So I guess what I am saying is this....obviously this is what I need to do for me or it would be really easy and not so tough so if you are like me and keep getting road blocks and wonder if this is right...it is keep moving forward and I will meet you at the other side....