coachjoyce's Blog

Another word for survival mode is stress. When stressed, we tend to become something we don’t really want to be: self-absorbed. There is a way out.

An associate brought me up to date on her project. I offered a particular level of assistance. Here’s what she wrote back: “You’re so sweet to even care. In these times it almost feels like no one cares; everyone is so self-absorbed.” She did add that she might have been feeling sorry for herself at the moment. But, her comments reflect what goes on for all of us at one time or another—both on the giving and receiving ends, and especially during this time when so much is changing and fairly often.

Here’s some of what Adam King, creator of The Tessera Method, explained about survival mode.

When you feel threatened, your survival mode kicks into gear. Survival mode focuses most of your attention on helping yourself out of the threatening or potentially threatening situation. In survival mode your ability to show altruism or even love is diminished, and you push people away—literally and energetically. The thing about feeling threatened is that it can either be a real threat or it can be something you fear might happen.

If you’ve had a lot of stress in your life, for an extended interval of time or long-term, you may have an over-active stress response. You always feel anxious. Perhaps your stomach stays upset, or you gain weight, or you have frequent headaches. Maybe you don’t go out of your home, except to work. An over-active stress response causes you to bypass creative thought and reflection, and go right to response mode, which leads you to jump to a conclusion and believe your conclusion is true, when it may not be.

I spoke with someone who’d had cross words with an associate. For days, she’d been replaying what each of them had said, each time stressing herself more and more. She’s mentally engaging a problem she desires a solution to, which is why she keeps replaying it. Solutions would be to end the relationship (not desired) or to mend it (desired). Since two people with hurt feelings are involved, both have to want to mend it and in a way that satisfies both. But trying to solve this in her mind by replaying the problem on a non-stop loop will not create a desired result, only an ever-expanding perceived threat. Only right action will resolve this, one way or another.

Many of us today do not take time to reflect on what we see or hear. We pass information through our own (often) distorted filters—meaning we pull up past memories of experiences and convince ourselves what happened then must be happening again. We literally experience all sorts of trials and battles in our minds, when we aren’t actually engaged in them, whether that’s at all or just in the moment we’re in.

This leads to what King calls Automatic Negative Processing, where we try to find an answer for a problem or question that doesn’t exist—or a real problem that does exist, but we filter suggested changes through our survival mode and ignore them, because processing is a more comfortable place than changing is. When we are in an immediate situation, we take some kind of action. But think about how often it’s really happening mostly in our minds. When we do that, we have two problems: the one that needs a solution and the one we’ve created by feeding the stress we feel about an actual or possible situation or outcome.

If you’ve ever wondered why you replay and replay the same junk thoughts over and over in your mind (stressing yourself even more), it’s because your brain is designed to tell you when a problem is solved. You can solve a real problem, but you cannot solve an imaginary one. So your brain reminds you repeatedly that an imaginary problem—which has no solution—is still unsolved. You stay in survival mode. Your stress increases. You enter into suffering, and you expand your self-absorption. You go into what King calls “lock-down,” where you are stuck in place. Your physical, mental, and emotional expressions become all about you. You do have to look out for your best interests, but there’s a big difference between appropriate self-interest and being self-absorbed.

Any time you feel uncertain—about an outcome, a solution, how you’ll perform, etc., this causes you to put yourself first in your mind and energy expression; although, you might pop out of this in an emergency or if your help is really needed. This causes you to not allow anyone else to come first (before your feelings) and it puts pressure on you to attempt to perform in a situation you don’t have a solution for. If you feel pushed or pressured in any way at such times, your level of stress can go “through the roof.”

Feeling this way can cause you to say and do things that won’t create outcomes you truly desire. Or, it may cause you to be stuck in inaction. What helps? Do something positive or beneficial for someone else. Being able to see beyond ourselves and our self-interests will cause us to feel better, but it also allows us to act the way we prefer to act. When you focus on being of benefit to others, you exit survival mode; the two cannot fill the same space. This doesn’t mean you become a servant or start doing a lot of things for others that aren’t appropriate for you (or them). You want to feel good, not like a martyr. It means that you look for ways to create win-win scenarios and environments.

When you’re in survival mode—and you probably can nod your head about this—clarity, focus, and purpose go out the window. It’s a simple but not necessarily easy fact that our Good flows to us when we are relaxed, when we are enjoying life and what we do and who we do it with, and when we do what results in our feeling fulfilled—that we made a valuable contribution or made a real difference for one or more others.

With all the changes that have gone on and needed restructuring still being figured out, many people have slipped into survival mode. It’s understandable. The fact is that we all slip into this mode at times; it’s getting stuck there that we’re talking about now. The way out of this mode and how it affects us and others is to focus on win-win solutions for issues that need attention. It can also be as simple as making a friendly connection to someone providing a service to you, holding the door open for someone, letting someone with fewer items go before you at the checkout register. It doesn’t always require a grand gesture.

Here’s a small step in the right direction: Instead of thinking about what you HAVE to do, maybe think about what you GET to do, while you’re still here.

Practice makes progress.

It’s a complaint you and many others may share: I don’t feel authentic! These 5 questions can help you change this.

If you feel inauthentic, you already know how painful that can be. If you’re a people-pleaser, you know how painful that can be, too. If you feel the real you lives behind a façade, or worse, you aren’t even sure who the real you is any more, use these five questions to shake your authentic self loose from the ties that bind it. I got the five questions from Jairek Robbins, who got them from someone else… and they are powerful!

1. When you were a child, who did you most want love from—not who you got the most love from—but who you wanted love from most?

You probably know exactly who this is. It’s the person whose approval you felt you didn’t have, and you really wanted to win it, whether you “danced to their tune” or you didn’t.

2. What did you have to be (in your mind’s perception) for the person to give you the love you wanted?

Did you have to be smart, pretty, thin, athletic, an achiever, domestic, hard worker, tough, disciplined, frugal, always working, always in control of your emotions, nice, perfect manners, quiet, clever… Were you expected to be the opposite of any of these or others you list? Jairek didn’t cover this, but were there any contrasting expectations from both parents or caregivers, if you grew up with two? It can be exhausting to try to please two or more people who have different expectations of you. Author Barbara Sher has had workshop attendees make a collage to show an image representation of everyone’s expectations of them. One woman completed hers and said, “There! Now everyone is happy but me.”

3. Who could you NEVER be, because you knew (in your mind’s perception, or in reality) the person would immediately take their love away from you?

Were you a tomboy whose mother expected you to dress in frilly clothes and bake cakes instead of climb trees and catch frogs? Were you expected to always be in control of your emotions, and now you can’t feel your life the way you know you’d like to? Were you a boy expected to be athletic but you were really a creative at heart? Expected to be tough, but you’re really tenderhearted? Jairek didn’t cover this either, but what about mixed messages from that person like be nun-like and highly popular at school, or be successful but don’t take any risks? Were there contrasting requirements you tried to meet for two parents or caregivers? Perhaps, “Be successful, but never do better than we have.” Can you see how this one can cause you to hit a wall any time you try to succeed?

4. Who are you today?

Is it still who you thought you had to be for them, or who you really are? Are you still trying to fit the person’s mold for you, whether they’re alive or not?

5. Who do you have to be from this day forward to align with what you desire and deserve in your own life?

What would you have to adjust? Do you need more structure, less structure? Do you need to work harder, work less? Do you need to laugh more, to allow yourself to feel more, to have more joy, to have playtimes; to aim at fulfillment instead of just achievement?

These five questions are worth planning private time so you can give them—give YOU—the attention needed. Will answering the questions and seeing what’s what immediately shift you into feeling and living as your authentic self? I can’t answer that. But, it’s possible you’ll have to do like many of us and take it one day at a time.

Also, remember not to play the blame game. Whoever did whatever to you more than likely had a problem with their authenticity. Compassion has its place here. Knowing who did what may help you process, but hitching your life onto blame will never help you progress. However, you may need to write a letter to the person and burn it so you get some of your anger out. If you try to let them off the hook too soon, you may take on the blame. Understand, as Barbara Sher stated, “We all try to prove our parents right.” This means if you thought you could make an unhappy parent or caregiver happy by being other than you were born as, you’ve had a frustrating time. Anger about this is understandable. Anger held too long hides a deep hurt. Express it to yourself in the letter (even if they admit fault, that won’t change your programming) then use these questions to discover who you really are so you figure out how to move forward.

Make lists for questions 1 through 4. Make another list to the side and rate each listed item as “Is me,” “Isn’t me,” “Sometimes me.” The second list isn’t to be rated according to how you behave now to fit the first list, but what you know is true about your true self, the self you keep hidden. It could be quite an adventure… to discover, explore, and allow your authentic self to take flight, and maybe even soar. At the very least, you can expand your self-esteem and joy.

Practice makes progress.
State of Appreciation (Issue 131) is now live at
http://stateofappreciation.webs.com

Need a systematic Law of Attraction approach to have clarity and focused energy about what you intend for your life or your business in 2011? Here are two proven tips that will help you.

We are about to start not only a new year, but a new decade. I feel certain a great many of us are ready to put aspects of the past several years behind us and create a new-and-improved, fresher start, whatever that means for us.

If you use what is provided here, I ask you to keep the following in mind:

•Whatever you desire for work, finance, family, personal development, spiritual development, social and intimate relationships, fun, and health does not have to fulfill the desires others have for you or may try to impose on you, but does need to fulfill the desires you have for yourself.
•The power to use your mind on your behalf is far stronger (and more effective) than you, likely, practice consistently. (See Tip 2.)
•We frustrate ourselves with a non-serving belief that we are in CONSCIOUS control of everything. Even I could argue the point that we are ultimately in control, but that’s a different article for another time. My point is that our infinite selves and Source are collaborators on our ego-aspect’s behalf—meaning the aspect we are aware of that is experiencing our personal reality. We get into some really awful feelings when our greater path and purpose is directed from the infinite side of our human self and we find that what our ego-aspect thinks it wants doesn’t happen. There is always a reason.
•Keep in mind that there’s a difference between control and flow. You may say you want to be in flow, but do you trust Source and your infinite self that fully, or can you shift into that trust when it seems life has placed something unexpected into your life?

Tip 1

To create an Order Form, you need columns on a sheet of paper or on your computer as recommended here.

First column: Write what you don’t want (NOT feelings). Example: I don’t want people in my life who don’t value (or compensate) me; to overwork myself or be overworked by someone else. Or, I don’t want a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Make this list, and the ones that follow, as long as each needs to be.

It has been said that you should not focus on what you don’t want. The key words are FOCUS ON, meaning to play over and over in your mind because you are afraid something will be your reality. I’m asking you to do something else, to step out of denial, because what you don’t want is in your subconscious and will benefit from being extracted from inside of you by writing it down. If you don’t get these out, they whisper in your ear, so to speak, because they need to be heard and dealt with.

Second column: List what you don’t want to feel, like afraid, unsuccessful, overworked, undervalued, unsuccessful, confused, etc.).

Third column: Put down what you do want, like a certain number of new clients a month who pay on time and are delighted to do so, creation of your business or project to feel and be effortless, or to meet people who share important common interests.

Fourth column: List what you do want to feel, like valued, appreciated, respected, confident, on purpose, fulfilled, etc.).

Fifth column: Write your WHY . . . why you want what you believe or know you do. Let your WHY talk to you. A clear WHY generates inspired ideas and actions. A clear WHY causes you to feel enthusiasm or passionate commitment, or both. And, it’s very different from the energy of “It would be nice.”

Sixth column: Write how you will feel once you have this or something even better.

Seventh column: How will others feel once you have this? How will new clients feel when they work with you as a confident, fulfilled person? How will the person you move into a relationship with feel about being around you, especially if you are happy with yourself and your life?

Eighth column: Create a supportive statement (affirmation) that helps your energy about this like, “I want to believe that I can . . .” You want a true statement that does not trigger your other voice that doubts, and also doesn’t put pressure on you to believe more than you are able to at this moment.

Ninth column: Maybe one or more next actions come to you; write these down. If not, write to Source (or your word for the Infinite) to be shown one or more next actions. Then do something else, and watch how fast ideas or opportunities come to you.

Tip 2

Every night and several times during the day repeat, “While I sleep, I have dreams that cause me to have energy and enthusiasm, financial serenity and abundance, and freedom from stress, as my way of life; and this allows me to assist others to have the same, as appropriate. And so it is.”

Tip 1 is effective for obvious reasons. Use it for 2011, but it will work for the next decade, as well. Tip 2 is incredibly effective, as I have been experiencing in my own life. If you use either or both, you give yourself the opportunity to use your mind power in ways that are dynamic and provide quick results.

I’m relocating in a few weeks, so will not post during the relocation and new set-up time period. I wish you a wonderful new year and a new year filled with wonders.

Who wouldn’t like to be in a positive state of mind all the time?! How’s that worked for you so far?

Despite your best efforts, it’s likely that staying in a positive state of mind all the time hasn’t been your reality. Here’s an important tip about this: it isn’t realistic. So, you might want to ease up on yourself about this.

A good reason to ease up about it is that if you focus on forcing yourself to be positive all the time or believe you should be, it actually means you perceive yourself as mostly NOT positive, which means you energize being in a negative state. This creates inner struggle and self-judgment that shows up in your outer experiences as less-positive moments and events. This is just not fun! Self-judgment or beating up on yourself is NOT the vibration you want Law of Attraction to match. It also means your focus is on how you think you should be rather than on what will move you forward, which is like nailing your shoe to the floor and turning in circles. You do a great deal of spinning in place, but go nowhere.

Too often, spirituality-based people believe they shouldn’t experience the full scope of our human emotions. How authentic is that, really? You don’t have to run amok; but you aren’t supposed to live in denial either. There is something you can do when you’re in a negative state: you can use a proven method to shift this a bit or a lot. Even a bit is better than none. An attitude improved even a small amount opens your mind and life to possibilities.

This is especially important if you feel any sense of strain or stress in your life and/or business. You can use one of the six methods offered below any time you feel your energy needs to be calmed, smoothed, soothed, or charged up. You’ll find the following methods are great ways to open your mind and get head-and-heart alignment about what the next step is in any situation. It’s important to start from where you are so you can figure out where to go next. The foundation of Self Energy Management is to know you CAN manage it.

Six Methods to Shift Your Energy and Emotions

1.Write the story of what you feel is happening. Scale how triggered you feel, with 1 being “Not much at all” and 10 being “Completely overwhelmed.” I used this with an angry friend. She said she was at an 8. Next, we scaled what had made her angry, with 1 being “Somewhat inconvenient” and 10 being “Completely devastating”. She ranked it a 3. She was giving level 8 energy to something she ranked a 3. Her expression was a Kodak moment.

2.What do you think is working now? Why is it working? What’s not quite right yet? What would make it more right? How do you want to feel? What might your next action be, to feel more of how you want to feel?

3.Create a statement that allows you to move closer to how you want to feel. Think of this as a bicycle you’re walking along a path. When you find the right statement, you’ll be able to put your foot on the pedal and hop on. “I feel better,” may be too much too soon. “I could feel better” may work or may still be too much. It’s okay. You’re looking for the statement that let’s you get onto the bike and ride it. What about, “I want to believe I can feel better”? Maybe, “I want to believe I can believe I can feel better,” is the one where you feel your foot on the pedal. Remember, no judgment. Honest answers allow you to create the first shift.

4.Ask questions like: What do I intend to do in this moment? How can I help myself do this? What can I do for myself right now? What are my choices (inner and/or outer levels)? What can I learn? How can I grow from here? What do I feel right now? How do I prefer to feel? What stops me from feeling this way now? In everyday matters, what usually stops you from feeling the way you prefer is your choice to do so. And, check to see if you’re giving level-8 energy to a level-3 issue.

5.Write down what you don’t want (I don’t want to be undervalued and underpaid; I don’t want a partner who doesn’t listen to me). Some might say that if you practice Law of Attraction, this is not the thing to do. However, your DON’T WANTS are floating around in your mind, so you might as well give them the voice you’ve been denying them. Get them all out, every last one of them. Next, ask yourself what you don’t want to feel (afraid, insecure, etc.). Let loose. Write it all down. Now, what do you want (getting new and repeat clients to be effortless, meeting my ideal partner to be effortless, etc.)? Write and don’t censor. Next, what do you want to feel (in flow, abundant, successful)? Last, write a letter and tell Spirit what you want and why. Ask Spirit to show you how to open to receive this or what your next step is.

6.You suffer over most matters because of a belief. Often, the belief is, “This shouldn’t be happening.” “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” What core belief do you have about your issue or situation? Does this belief serve you? How does this belief manifest in your life? How do you feel about this? Ask yourself if you feel okay about making even a small shift now. Think of a similar time when you had a similar feeling (it doesn’t have to be a similar matter or situation, just that you felt similarly then to how you do now), and it worked out. How did you manage yourself or work that one out? Maybe you used an inner process, an outer process, or both. What worked then and how can you use what you did then now?

You now have a better idea of why you don’t want to try to force a positive state or why it’s important not to feel less when you do not feel positive. But you do want to pay attention to how often you use negative statements, even as a form of humor. The Universal Quantum Field doesn’t get that you’re trying to be funny through sarcasm. It takes each and every one of your comments as an instruction to fulfill or a feeling to match.

Shifting your energy allows you to shift your vibration so you attract something else, something better. When you are in a positive state, enjoy and make the most of it. When you aren’t, as soon as you’re ready, shift it.

Just remember to ease up on yourself. Recognize realistic expectations and goals and unrealistic ones. It’s healthy and natural to challenge yourself to grow. It’s self-defeating to expect yourself to always be in a positive state of mind as you move through your process of inner and outer growth. You will, however, experience positive shifts if each night before you go to sleep, you repeat five times, “As I sleep, I have dreams that cause me to have energy and enthusiasm, financial serenity and abundance, and freedom from stress, as my way of life. And so it is.”

IN-JOY this 5-min. Christmas song by Tonic Sol-Fa. Dare you to not tap at least a toe!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogI9-uhjkh4

Repeat before sleep & often: Energy & enthusiasm, financial abundance & serenity, & freedom from stress are my way of life. And so it is.

We are souls in physical form, and we have an ego that is meant to serve us in specific ways. Frustration happens when we get their needs confused (or ignore them) rather than have them work together.

Let’s look at some ways to differentiate between ego needs and soul needs.

Ego serves us in ways that move us to take actions in our daily lives, actions meant to keep us alive and, hopefully, thriving. Ego seeks to feel a certain way, often motivated by material demands that originate outside of our soul desires; and this need leads to good choices and not so good ones. It follows logic, sometimes self-logic that desires to avoid pain at all times, rather than our emotional heart. It speaks to us in ways like, “Gotta make a change!” From ego, we may sometimes be forceful in striving for and achieving our aims.

Soul does not respond to force. It recognizes that painful or unpleasant emotions are facets of all we are capable of feeling, like needed colors in a rainbow. Soul knows we are always in flow, that our experiences have purpose for us; and its aim is for us to thrive as whole beings within the bigger picture of life. It asks us to pay attention to everything we think, feel, say, and do or don’t do. It asks us to seek what fulfillment means for us in all things, to listen to what our emotional heart tells us. Soul speaks to us through our emotional heart using intuition and positive and negative feelings. Negative feelings are as much a part of our soul-self’s communication system as positive ones.

Mainstream dissuades us from remembering that our emotional heart is another form of intelligence we possess, one that knows us intimately; whereas logic focuses on what the (usually fearful) ego wants. Ego wants to fill any void with whatever it believes will make it feel good or better. Soul wants us to empty out what no longer belongs inside us and to feel our way to what it is that truly needs to occupy that space as what will allow us to express our true selves. What fills our ego needs may not fill our soul needs. What fills our soul needs takes care of our ego needs.

Ego believes power comes from winning, from creating and having positive experiences. Soul knows the truth of our power and seeks to integrate our inner and outer power through learned wisdom into a desired collaboration between soul and ego as a way of life. Soul knows nothing is lacking, and it strives to remind us of this through sadness, frustration, depression, serenity, and joyful appreciation . . . so that we seek the truth and live from it.

Ego says, “Get rid of any negative feeling immediately.” Soul says, “Be with your feelings in a gentle way so you can get quiet and hear my message.”

Ego pushes us to look outside ourselves to define who we are. Soul asks us to know ourselves and to fearlessly reveal who we are to others through our words and actions, our talents and abilities, our visions and goals. Ego says, “I don’t love who I am, so I have to pretend to be what I believe will be acceptable.” Soul says, “No pretense ever lasts. Be who you are, who you came here to be, just as you are now and are becoming.” Ego says, “Fake it till you make it.” Soul says, “Start where you are and evolve deliberately.”

Ego wants emptiness filled in a hurry because it cannot tolerate it. Soul knows that the fastest way to fill emptiness is to allow emptiness, to surrender the ego needs about it when it shows up, and appreciate whatever value and guidance it presents. Your soul knows that appreciation of what is, is always responded to with more to appreciate. Balance of soul and ego happens when we align our inner perspective with ego’s ability to take action that’s in our best interest and for our higher evolution.

As you move through this holiday season, and as we approach not only a new year but a new decade, consider exploring how to create collaboration and alignment between ego and soul, with thriving as their common goal for you, and see what gets created from it.

You are what you practice.

If you desire or feel desperate for change, you may seek out one or more gurus to help you move forward. But what if their message creates a contrast for or confuses you?

I like to listen to what the gurus have to say about . . . nearly everything! I’m curious and a committed life-long learner. However, sometimes aspects of their messages (especially about success) are quite different from each other, or something in me, and I wonder if this is confusing for other listeners.

The other day, I listened to a well-known, well-respected success guru whose information was valuable. Then he said to succeed we have to work day and night and weekends. This really tweaked me because working that way contrasts with my physical reality, and as I know, is not in my personality blueprint. Been there, done that, got ill from it.

I thought, “What about others who have less natural energy than his advice requires? How will they feel when they hear this?” They’ll likely feel like failures or lazy, when they’re not. It’s also what could be called a masculine approach. You can find online my article “Does Gender Influence Prosperity?” to see how a masculine approach to life and business can negatively impact women’s lives and health (and even some men).

Another success guru I listened to the next day said her business and life improved dramatically as soon as she stopped working as much as she had been, and began to give herself three days off each week. I thought about those people whose blueprints are high energy and how this kind of approach might frustrate them, and the relief (permission to be) it might bring to those with less natural energy.

Which guru is right? Did you resonate with one more than the other—not just agree, but really resonate? There’s a reason for this resonance.

Each of us has a unique blueprint, which means your core nature is what it is. Frustration happens when you attempt to go against your core nature or believe there’s something wrong with how your core nature needs to be expressed.

The two gurus mentioned here don’t intend to confuse anyone; they have their own blueprint natures, and they’re going to share with others what works for them. Here’s a valuable tip: any strategic information a guru offers is what you want to pay attention to. Any advice anyone gives that contrasts with your blueprint (your true nature) is something you need to give a different level of consideration to.

However, even strategic information needs to take your blueprint characteristics into account, because if you do what’s recommended in a way that isn’t natural for you . . . yup, more frustration, more of what makes you feel like a failure . . . and is preventable, if you know what your unique blueprint requires.

How you work best; how you relate to others in your closest, social, and professional relationships; your natural level of energy and more is revealed in your blueprint. Some of what’s there, you’ve already discovered or are aware of on some level and has been made obvious through your life experiences. And it’s likely you’ve tweaked certain characteristics to make them more compatible with your life.

When you need ideas and solutions for life and/or business, it’s a good idea to research and give other people’s strategies a chance. You already know there’s a great deal of information available to you, enough to confuse you, in fact. So, when it comes down to how you apply their strategies to experience your life or which ones to choose, it’s best if you refer to your own soul’s blueprint, the most accurate foundation of your being.

You are what you practice.

Perhaps you have certain feelings or longings that are vague, or sharp. These are callings from your soul, drawing attention to areas of you that need to be filled.

At one time or another, you may feel one or more of the following:
-Depressed or at least that you could feel happier
-Desirous of more meaning in and for your life
-As though there is a void inside you and you don’t know how to fill it
-Disillusioned about life and relationships
-(Your own longing here)

Just as a desire (different from a wish) to do or be something means you have the capacity to achieve it, so does feeling a sense of longing mean your soul craves fulfillment and full expression. You, as so many do, may look to satisfy this longing from outside of yourself with more of something: money, material objects, sex, control, a perfect job, a perfect relationship, and so on. Perhaps you get these and discover you still feel empty. There’s a reason for this.

We’ve confused meeting our soul’s needs with solving what we call problems in our lives (more money, material objects, sex, control, a perfect job, a perfect relationship, and so on). Somewhere along the way, we’ve brainwashed ourselves (with the help of others who are also brainwashed in this way) that a proper life is problem-free, perfect. You are a soul having a physical experience, and you did not come here to have a problem-free, “perfect” experience. You came here to expand the depth of who you are; and to do this you must move through a depth of experiences and glean from them the value they hold for you so you can expand how you feel about your experience of being.

Your soul (your true nature) is a quality as much as it is an entity, so it (you) seeks experiences to enhance the quality of your life—the one you live inside your self. You can expand your understanding of this if you think of what the term Soul Food means: food that nourishes and pleases your physical and emotional senses, your sense of community, your memories. Soul Food provides a specific quality of experience. You go to a Soul Food restaurant deliberately to have such an experience. So does your soul enter a physical life for the same reason.

We confuse ourselves with the belief that life would be what it’s “supposed” to be if it were free of what troubles us. Yet, inside each trouble, problem, or issue is a message from our soul and the answer that will satisfy it. We rush to get rid of anything we label negative rather than look at it, which would help us discover more about ourselves in a way that would further nurture and feed our souls. This exploration and its positive results, rather than denial, is a primary reason life coaching is now such an integral part of our society’s evolution. Coaching doesn’t dwell on issues, but dives into them just long enough to find the root and pull it up painlessly. Trimming weeds never gets rid of them; you must deal with them from the root, give them a relatively quick yank from the soil. Not addressing troubling issues that hold our attention is a form of soul deprivation.

Let’s look at the feeling that your life isn’t as meaningful as you believe it can or should be. That emptiness is your soul’s message to discover what IS meaningful for you and to include it in your life. An empowering question to ask about this or anything you feel you lack within is, “Can you feel a desire for more meaning (or whatever) WITHOUT feeling disempowered?”

We tend to latch onto the feeling of disempowerment when facing issues. But are we ever truly disempowered? No. And, what do we avoid when we feel disempowered? We avoid experiencing more of what would fill us: more often than not, giving and receiving more love and care to ourselves and others. “I’m discontent so I HAVE to be rude (or some other negative expression of our discontented, fearful selves),” is how we justify certain behaviors that never bring our ultimately-desired results.

You cannot have light without shadow or darkness. You can shine light into shadows and darkness in order to see what’s really there. More often that not, what we find there is a BELIEF that we can’t deal with or won’t want to see what lurks there. A belief is not a solid thing, though it creates real experiences in our minds and oftentimes in our lives. What you entertain or thrash in your mind is what your brain believes is actually happening, and it responds with either good feelings or bad ones that create good experiences or bad ones, first at the inner then eventually the outer levels.

What can you do for this symptom of the soul? Be fully where you are rather than in a regretful past or anxious future. Choose to live each moment with an open mind and heart, trusting that you can adjust as needed, trusting that you are always empowered just by being. You can live your moments differently, deliberately, which can bring you through any situation with conscious awareness and the ability to see and use the soul value of it.

Denial is how you alienate yourself from your life and the fullness you might create in it. Denial keeps you from discovering your true nature and its strengths and beauties, then expressing these in your life. What does any level of suffering reveal to you? The answer will never be found in avoidance, only in a caring conversation with your soul self.

This approach not only can enrich your life and soul experience, but you can offer this to others as well. What will support you is to accept that you (and others) are in progress at all times. Let go of the belief that you are supposed be perfect. That isn’t what your soul seeks. Listen to your soul’s whispers and shouts for what needs filling, address these in the moment you’re in, and you’ll begin to feel emptiness being filled.

You are what you practice.

It seems a minority of people feel genuinely at home in their skin, know who they are and how to go after what they want, and live as their authentic selves. Why is this?

Let’s look at where things go off track for the others. We have a perplexing set-up as human beings: We come into our lives to be individualized expressions of our unique selves AND are completely dependent on others to meet our basic needs, for a period of time; and hopefully they meet more than just the basics. After a certain age, we still need others to fulfill the various aspects of our lives.

As we grow up, we find we have certain likes and dislikes and certain feelings, all or some of which are either supported or discouraged by others, who are initially our caregivers; then others are included as our circle of others expands. It’s either implicit or explicit that if we want acceptance from particular family members or the family unit (and beyond that unit, i.e., schools, places of religious worship, work environments, etc.), we are to demonstrate certain behaviors, even if it means suppressing what we genuinely feel and who we genuinely are at times. Sometimes, even the exploration of who we really are is discouraged. A minority are encouraged to explore who they really are and to create a way to have a fulfilling life according to who they know themselves to be.

Because we realized that social environments function better if we seek to collaborate and tolerate each other within a range of what we call acceptable behaviors, we aim at ways to accomplish this and adjust these relationships on an ongoing basis. But a conflict exists: We feel driven to explore and express ourselves as unique individuals and also driven by our need to conform (within an acceptable range) to standards of behaviors.

The point to be made here is that just as any structure has a foundation arranged a certain way, no matter how the interior and exterior walls are painted or decorated later, so do you have a personality blueprint that is your foundation, no matter what else you decorate that with or how many times you change, adjust, modify, or try to force the outward bits—what you show others about who you are.

Aspects of who you are, which you may have believed or that others may have told you are foibles, flaws, or character failures can show up as part of your blueprint, meaning they are part of you and your life for a reason, for a purpose; and no pep-talk is ever going to change the fact of it, though you may be able to modify these aspects so they work in your favor. Knowing and accepting this, can act as a form of permission for you to be you.

It is enormously frustrating to know something about yourself and either believe it’s wrong to be that way or that there’s something wrong with you. I’m not referring to serious psychiatric matters that do need attention, but rather the issues many deal with on a daily basis that cause self-doubt (and self-disapproval) to be so rampant. We do this to ourselves, and we do this to others.

•Self-doubt (and self-disapproval) is going to happen if your blueprint is one of low energy and others are insisting that you have to be high energy or higher than you naturally are.
•Self-doubt (and self-disapproval) is going to happen if you are more like the tortoise than the hare about making big decisions and one or more “hares” are saying there must be something wrong with you.
•Self-doubt (and self-disapproval) is going to happen if what you really believe would be a fulfilling career and life for you is being touted as too small by bold, adventurous types or too risky by those who need safe plateaus.
•Self-doubt (and self-disapproval) is going to happen when you feel and behave one way when you’re with others and it’s never or seldom how you behave on your own, and you believe something is wrong with you for being this way.
•Self-doubt (and self-disapproval) happens when you feel or know yourself to be one way but have been convinced by yourself or others that you HAVE to (should) feel or be another way; and this avoidance or denial of your authentic self rubs like sandpaper against your soul’s desired expression.

From the moment we’re born, there are a number of people telling us what we should think, feel, say, do, believe, and be like. And it continues long after childhood. It’s far too seldom that anyone asks, “What do you really feel (think, believe, have to say, want to do)?” Is it any wonder so many people are confused and even afraid to explore who they are, despite craving this?

A good place to start is to ask your self what YOU think and feel. You don’t have to necessarily act on it right off; just agree to be honest with yourself about anything you feel in conflict with about who you know yourself to be. It’s pretty darn difficult to aim at a fulfilling, successful life when you don’t have a clue what that means for your authentic nature, and are afraid to explore this.

You are what you practice.
© Joyce Shafer

We’ve got negative manifestation down, right? So why do we struggle with positive manifestation? It’s about Frequencies and Circuitries.

FREQUENCIES

I learned a fact in 1985, used it often, and then forgot I knew it.

Okay, I didn’t actually forget it; after a while I just forgot to recall that I knew it AND forgot about the positive experiences it creates when used deliberately and consistently. I think a lot of us do that: Learn something really beneficial and effective, use it a while, then shelf it when we get busy and we think we Just Don’t Have the Time. But best results happen only if we make the time.

If you do affirmations or visualizations while your brainwave frequencies are in the Beta range (15 cycles per second or higher), you’re in the Ego-Logic Brain State (Left Brain). Basically, you’re talking to yourself. I’m not saying Source isn’t listening (that’s not true), but Source provided us with a creation field that operates at a certain frequency, so we need to match it (and we certainly can). Kind of like, “Tune to Channel 14 for optimum, static-free creation communication.”

If you want to communicate and do your most productive “work” in the creation field, you have to be in the Alpha brainwave frequency or below (14 cycles per second or lower). There is MUCH evidence about this being the effective channel (or as Jose Silva, creator of Silva UltraMind called it, Effective Sensory Projection level), which we all can access, and do when we

•Start to fall asleep
•First wake up
•Brush our teeth
•Shave
•Daydream
•When we enter Right Brain activity, like when an artist paints and is in the zone
•Aim our eyes 45 degrees upward (as though looking up at a traffic light, or when we want to recall information)
•Meditate properly

At such times, your mind is in a more relaxed state, not actively or frantically moving thoughts around in the Left Brain-Logic field. You’re in the creative energy field . . . and you will get far better results at this frequency than in Beta.

CIRCUITRY

Brain circuits used most often are trained to be the ones traveled with the least resistance. We build these very real neural pathways with our thoughts. If you train your thoughts to be negative or positive ones regarding events that happen, words you hear, or what you observe, that’s the feeling pathway you’ll follow first or more easily when triggered by a particular happening. This is why it can be a challenge to shift from negative thinking to positive—the positive pathways haven’t been constructed or are still under construction. You can’t wish for this construction to happen, you have to deliberately build it, one thought at a time.

Jose Silva wrote in one of his earlier books that the brain is more energetic When Less Active. This aligns with the fact that your potential to manifest (or whatever word you like) is optimal when your brainwave frequencies are at 14 cycles per second or less; in other words, less active (not in busy mind state). When you stress and strain mentally and emotionally, your body perceives this (as it was designed to) as a threat to your survival. It goes into fight-or-flight mode; and this mode will never ever be receptive, creative mode—only attack or run mode.

You can go to the Silva UltraMind website and scroll down to the options they offer. One option is to have nine free lessons emailed to you. You also receive guided meditation audios that bring you into the Alpha frequency that you can download and use every day.

I’ve been using other meditation methods, and not every day. But when I listened to the centering audio SUM sent to me, it took me back to 1985, when I learned the Silva method. It also took me back to how life felt and was when I went “into level” at least once a day, but usually twice . . . how easily information used to come to me, how I could see how events would go ahead of them happening (i.e., meetings, etc.), how I used dreams to get ideas and answers, and the many, many other benefits this method provides.

I did the 25-minute audio twice the first day, and I WAS relaxed! When I looked in the mirror the next day (after my morning meditation), my face and my countenance was smooth—because I was relaxed. That night, I stated I would have a dream that gave me needed information about something, and that I’d easily recall the information. Boy, did that work! I was shown a piece of paper that had these words written on it: “Your desire for change is what’s creating all the drama.” I was being told, “Relax, already!” Any time we strain or stress for a desired change, we get more of what we don’t want and block receiving what we do. Like many of you, I know this. Like many of us, it’s easy to forget we know this.

How would it feel to deliberately, deeply relax one or more times a day or receive significant information that benefits you rather than struggle for it?

The crux of this is that we have a brain that interacts with our mind. We can deliberately use both in our best interest, or not. One method leads to more serenity and positive experiences in life; the other leads to more struggle.

You are what you practice.

“It’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness.” Great quote, but what does it have to do with thanking your money?

A while back I published an article titled “Set Them Free.” In it I wrote, “How can you expect your relationship with her to be anything other than what it’s been as long as you have her fixed in your mind as capable of only certain behaviors?”

I didn’t then envision the person the way I’d like her to be, I chose to just let her be…that is, be who she is. After all, she could surprise me in remarkable, positive ways; and indeed, since I made that choice, this person has. This also freed me to reflect on and appreciate all of the good moments we’ve shared during the years, and there have been many. Every time a good memory flashes in my mind, I give her a quiet, heartfelt Thank You.

It occurs to me we can do this with money as well. We can recognize that money is actually a form of energy we exchange; and though we enjoy it, use it, and seem to usually want more of it, we may never actually thank it for all it’s done and does for us. Sometimes we treat it like the quote and curse it (in a manner of speaking) however it shows up in our lives—generally by wanting more but holding a negative expectation of it showing up in the way we’d like. Better to light an inner candle to illuminate ourselves differently about it.

Try this: deliberately pull up money memories that are goods ones: A purchase that either made you feel really good or served a purpose; a gift chosen carefully, knowing how delighted the recipient would be; an enjoyable dining experience or form of entertainment; a donation that really made a difference; and of course the everyday exchanges that help us move through life. Take a moment to thank money for making these things possible since money exchange is what we use in our 3-D world.

Thank it for showing up consistently or as a surprise, in expected and unexpected amounts (including coins on the ground that I hope you pick up and then affirm abundance). Thank it for helping you learn a good deal about yourself and others. Apologize for ever restricting it because of learned negative or limiting beliefs.

Is it time for you to set money free from “behaviors” based on your beliefs and limited expectations? Start by genuinely feeling core-level appreciation for what it’s done, does, and will do to enhance your life experience.

You are what you practice.

“Attract” is one of the primary buzz-words used to explain how manifestation works. Whichever word you use, you may be putting the “cart before the horse.”

I’ve seen and used the words attract, magnetize, match vibrations, alignment—and others. They’re all good words that represent a specific action or dynamic; and it really is only one action being represented, no matter which label you use.

But, this action (and therefore the words used to describe it—attract, etc.) is the EFFECT of something that comes before it. Attraction is not the cause of manifesting—it IS one of the “mechanical” dynamics involved to facilitate it, but the CAUSE is something else. Struggle happens because we usually place focus more on attracting—believing it’s the key action step—rather than place our focus on the actual cause of every manifestation.

If you’ve ever had something pop into your reality very quickly, say, within a short time after the thought of it, it’s likely that you didn’t engage your thoughts or feelings about it according to any system. In fact, you probably had the thought while you were doing something, paused long enough for the thought to register—if you paused at all, then kept on with what you were doing. You didn’t construct affirmations, didn’t align your energy with having it, didn’t do some of the other things you’ve learned to do. You very simply allowed it to show up with none of the usual inner dialogue, discussions, or arguments you often have with yourself.

I am NOT saying such tools are a waste of time. They absolutely provide benefits such as clearing out mental and emotional clutter, transmuting negative thinking into positive, etc. We carry these learned layers of limiting beliefs, so we need tools that help us whittle away what isn’t needed or useful.

So here’s what you’re waiting for. The CAUSE of manifestation: You have a thought about something and you ALLOW it as your experience. Stay with me while I explain further.

Allow is the “horse;” Attract is the “cart,” or at least a wheel.

You might ask, “Doesn’t that mean the idea is the cause?” No. An idea is definitely a ripple in the field, but how many ideas (thoughts) do you have that never show up as real—and thank goodness, considering how you sometimes use your thinking! A thought is your conscious or subconscious ego tossing around ideas of what to include (or not) on the menu. What you call intuition is your infinite self sending you a telegram about what IS being added to the menu.

Important Note: Your ego self will choose and allow what it perceives as pleasurable, and cannot fathom that it/you would ever choose anything other than what is pleasurable to experience. Your infinite self will choose and allow what it knows is purposeful, knowing pleasure or pain are perceptions. Your best tactic is to deal with each of these differently and appropriately. For the purpose of this writing, we’re dealing with the ego aspect of consciously making choices and, hopefully, taking the shortcut of Allowing, so desires can more effortlessly show up as experiences.

If you could consistently engage Allowing with knowing how the field works, and that you’re never not using it, that would be ideal. That’s a terrific target to aim at. In the meantime, if you apply yourself to reducing all the stuff—the self-arguments and doubts and negative mind chatter—you’ll have far less stress and delays involved in your manifestation process.

You’ve heard others say a manifestation component is to allow yourself to receive; but I thought you’d appreciate playing with the energetic that Allow needs to precede Attract, rather than follow it in the scheme of manifestation. You can attempt to Attract out the wazoo, but if you’re not on board with Allow . . . frustration, strain, struggle, stress, delay beyond right timing, and more are yours.

Try this “chronology” for day-to-day desired results:
Imagine it (then keep it or toss it).
If you keep it, Allow it so you can more easily . . .
Attract it.
Receive it.
Enjoy it.
Appreciate it, and how the process works.

You are what you practice.

Can a simple statement really get you motivated to start, do, or improve something you’re putting off? Let’s find out.

Think of something you desire to be different, or feel challenged about following through on. See or feel it in your mind’s eye. Really connect with it. Now, say to yourself, gently and truthfully: “I can do better than this.”

First things first—remove any critical self-judgment from the picture right now. It isn’t useful.

Second, do you believe there’s some truth for you in the statement that you can do better than what you’re currently doing? Is there even one thing you can do differently that would get you closer to your targeted goal or dream, or make an improvement?

Third, watch out for two typical self-entrapments: You aim to start too big and you attempt to reach the outcome—or think you have to—without taking the steps.

Let’s say you don’t like how your body looks (or, use a current issue of your own). You might be tempted to do the following in this order:

1.Look in the mirror and not feel happy with what you see, and begin the verbal self-abuse. That’s always effective, right?
2.Say, “This Is It!”—plus, more verbal self-abuse.
3.Choose a stringent diet program and an exercise program not appropriate for you, or you start at too high a level (and you increase the verbal self-abuse).

I’m not going to keep going with the numbered steps, because how this example, or whatever you’ve started and stopped over the years (or never started), plays out (including creative endeavors) can be filled in by you as well as me. But maybe you feel, perhaps subconsciously, that the way to improve is to first punish (unsuitable, unsustainable diet and exercise programs—or whatever relates to your issue), rather than find what supports you, then start small and grow into it.

We live in an age of Instant: coffee, foods, information. It’s no wonder instant gratification tugs at us so forcefully. But some things, the really important or significant things in life, are usually not instant.

However, it isn’t just instant gratification you’re dealing with these days; you’re also bombarded with emails from people about their “instant” successes, results, or outcomes. When you aim at your targets, if you don’t mirror the so-said instant success of others—or what you believe you’re “supposed” to achieve, you feel like a failure.

Maybe you want to take the temperature of this in your own life. Many times, these people have their “instant” successes after quite a number of years (or hours, days, weeks) of effort that led to their “overnight” success. Some even tell you this, but that information is easy to ignore because you’re fixated on a big number (or whatever) flashing like a neon sign in your mind; and what it takes, or might, to achieve this is virtually ignored.

Tony Robbins said something to the effect that small improvements made daily create compounded enhancements. Don’t attempt or believe you have to attempt to produce the final outcome five minutes after you decide what it is. What do you really want to go for now, or next, that will improve one or more areas of your life? Write this down—writing it really does matter.

Whenever you start to be hard on yourself about any area of your life you’re not satisfied with, rather than giving yourself the verbal self-lashing you may do or perhaps giving up altogether, gently say to yourself, “I can do better than this.” Then take some action each day. Let your daily improvements weave your larger tapestry.

You are what you practice.
© Joyce Shafer

Do your emotions meet your needs—including depression? Watch this Tony Robbins video: http://robbinsmadanescoachtraining.com/?p=430 I just watched this video (and am going to watch it again). Still feeling the WOW. I can't imagine there are too many women who will not relate to this incredible information Tony provides. But it's not just for women.

Next time you feel stressed ask yourself if it’s actually an event or situation, or your thoughts about it causing your stress. More often than not, it’s time to check your mental filters.

Every thought you have about everything that happens in your life is processed through your filters: your learned beliefs, assumptions, presumptions, and past experiences. Unless you’ve shifted this—cleaned or regularly clean your “filters,” you likely experience every moment through a slightly—or maybe more—grungy filtering system.

When you assume, you act as though something is 100 percent true or will happen (or not)—when that may not be the case. Your thoughts, words, and actions stem from this assumption. Assumptions are a good way to set your self up for disappointment, frustration, and anger. Facts and clear communications work far better. You may still feel one of the emotions listed, but let it be for the right reason.

When you presume, you take something for granted—whether or not you should. You may not question your right to presume—about others, events, or even yourself (negative self-talk). You may take for granted that your limiting beliefs, especially self-beliefs are facts, even if they aren’t—and you may act as though they are. Just because you repeat them in self-talk or action doesn’t make them absolutely true.

You may believe you have every reason to filter your thoughts and feelings in this way because you can list past experiences to support this mental processing method. However, many of your past (and current) experiences show up because of your learned beliefs . . . which attracted more experiences like your past ones, which are what you believe life (or you) are like; and you stay stuck in a quagmire of unsupportive beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. Nothing seems to improve and you can’t figure out why.

You might feel like the dog chasing its tail and never catching it!

This circular activity and experience will never move you forward. Events will happen. People arrive with their personalities. Fortunately, you usually have the opportunity to select who you spend time with or not; but in some cases, like with family, that’s not as easy a choice as with associates.

Once an event happens, it’s happened; and, people never change unless they choose to. But you can change how you manage yourself through events and with others—because the common thread in every aspect of your life is YOU.

Let’s take a complicated relationship with someone significant to you, or not. You may feel it’s justified to say that person “always” behaves a certain way—and maybe they often do. However, you possibly or probably repeat how you engage and interact with them. The situation can never shift until one of you shifts. If you wait for others to voluntarily change, you may wait a lifetime. People spend a great deal of precious time and energy trying to remold others or life situations rather than remolding themselves around and through what challenges them.

Let’s take another example of having several tasks to do, some of which you don’t want to do but have to, or perhaps make you skittish because you doubt yourself. You might spend hours thinking negative thoughts, engaging in negative self-talk—and nothing gets done. Or you may start to take action on a task and engage in negative self-talk through most of it.

You are chasing your tail when you do this. You waste energy and time, and cause yourself to feel really, really bad about yourself or whatever the situation is. Let go of thinking about what you need to do and just do it. Feel good about accomplishing and completing whatever it is, or at least moving it forward.

I’m pretty sure you’ve watched others you’re close to use these behaviors: it’s painful! You want to tell them what they’re doing to themselves, their life, and those they share life with. It’s just as painful for others who watch you do this to yourself.

Stuff happens that doesn’t feel good; but after something happens, it’s our thoughts that keep those feelings going—and even growing.

It may not be easy or immediate to shift your thinking, but the solution is a simple one: choose better thoughts so you experience better feelings, which lead to better experiences. USE what you know to do. It will make a difference.

Be mindful rather than rely on faulty mental filters.

You are what you practice.