helenadele's Blog

We all think we know what self-esteem is. Some of us think we have it and some of us don’t. But do we really understand what it’s all about? If we don’t understand it, how can we ever hope to achieve good self-esteem? Our modern society tells us that if we lose weight or wear these clothes or are popular with our peers that we’ll gain self esteem. That’s not necessarily true and here’s why...

My view is that self-esteem can only come from within.  It’s about honest self-evaluation without regard to outside influence, so no amount of comparison to others or trying to be better than the next guy can give it to us. True self-esteem is lasting.  It’s a real belief in ourselves that needs no bolstering from an outside source. Don’t get me wrong, friends who say nice things about us do help, but that tends to bolster ego more than real self-esteem.  The effect is transitory.  If we rely on hearing nice things from friends in order to feel good about ourselves then the next negative comment will have just as big an effect on us in the opposite direction. In fact, it can be easier to believe the negative things than the positive.

Self-Esteem is most definitely NOT about how attractive we are to the opposite sex, though the advertising industry would like us to believe it is. I once knew a woman who told me she had great self-esteem because all the men in our social circle desired her. To prove to herself that this was true, she had to get the attention of one man after another, making plenty of enemies among the women along the way.  She couldn’t see that feeding this sort of ego trip was a never-ending process that signifies very low true self-esteem.

Likewise, we can’t base our self-esteem on having a steady partner. Although it worked for Tom Cruise on the silver screen when he said, “She completes me”, that’s a self-effacing attitude.  We are complete and whole and wonderful all by ourselves, and the sooner we recognize that, the better partners we make.  Believing that we need a partner to be complete can only leave us feeling un-whole alone and more likely to be with the wrong person.

Comparisons to others simply dominate our media these days. Advertisements tempt our egos into believing that if we have this thing or do that thing we’ll be a better wife, better mother, better neighbor, better person. Comparison based worth is extremely dangerous if we really want to have good self-esteem. There will always be someone that does more, knows more, has more. What does that do to our self-image when we meet those people?

The same is true in reverse.  We can’t judge the not-so-great things we do by saying someone else is worse. I have a friend who has the habit of saying something quite nasty to people and then justifying herself by explaining that what she said was not as bad as something someone else said.  If you carry that method of rationalization through to its logical extreme, would we want to feel good about ourselves by saying we didn’t do something as bad as that mass-murderer on death row? All we can say is, I know I'm capable of being better than that, so next time I'll be better.

It’s not difficult to see why we struggle with self-esteem when we realize that society teaches us to base it on entirely the wrong things and how we think others view us.

Self-esteem can be gained by assessing whether we meet our own reasonable internal standards for ourselves, without comparison to what anyone else thinks, does, has or says. It’s easy to say and extremely difficult to do as long as we are worrying what other people think of us.

I want to point out that I’m not a life coach or a psychotherapist, or indeed anything of that nature.  I’m just someone who has been on that ride down to the bottom of the low-self-esteem pit and managed to scratch and claw my way back up, over a considerable period of time. It’s not easy.  For some of us who have suffered from low self-esteem, it takes a paradigm shift, a real and lasting change in how we perceive ourselves, in order to get there.

But maybe this exercise could be a good starting point.

Get out that old-fashioned pencil and paper and start writing down the things that are good about you. Don't say there's nothing good because everyone has some good qualities For each quality make yourself an argument and give examples to prove to yourself that this is true.

Here’s an example of what I mean...

I am an HONORABLE person.  When (whatever the situation) happened, I did what I said I was going to do and I didn’t lie about it even though the lie would have been easier.

I am a GOOD FRIEND because I listened to...  or I helped with...

I’m a GOOD MOTHER because I’ve raised my child through the teenager stage without killing him yet... (harder than it sounds if you haven’t been there) or ... I’ve managed to take care of the things that really matter like food on the table and someone for my children to talk to.

Don’t spare the pencil lead here.  Give yourself as many examples as you can to prove that you meet your own standards.  Don’t make superwoman standards for yourself.  You wouldn’t judge anyone else against a fictional superhero so don’t do it to yourself. Don’t judge yourself against what anyone else has achieved. You may not say “I did better than this person or worse than that person”.

Your good attributes can be as simple as: I’m a good cook, I’m tidy, I listen well. I have a nice garden, I work well with others, I'm punctual etc. The important part is that you prove to yourself that your statements are true.  You must believe in your attributes, which is more than knowing intellectually... really believe.

Once you’ve got the hang of proving to yourself that you are worthwhile already, you can start to look at things you would like to draw into your life.  Don’t do a whole list at once and overwhelm yourself.  Keep it simple. Take it slowly.  Start with just one!

I would like to be better at (the quality or knowledge you want) and I know I CAN achieve this by...

Again you must set a reasonable goal. It could be that you decide to be aware of one particular reaction you tend to have to a particular trigger. So you make a determined effort to recognize when that is happening and change the reaction. Or it could be reading a book or taking one evening class. Whatever it is, it’s ok to congratulate yourself when you’ve achieved it and add it to your list of accomplishments and qualities.

If you start to feel down about yourself, or someone says something negative, get that list out and re-argue your points with yourself.  Believe them again and believe in yourself.

I'm sorry this post was so long but I hope that this helps someone else fight the battle.

Last night I watched the documentary movie Food Inc. If you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend you do.  It's really not filled with graphic scenes of cruelty to animals.  It's about us, what we eat, how we've been fooled and how much power just a few giant corporations have over our government, our farmers and our environment.

We have the power to change what is happening to our health and the health of our children.  We have the power to affect the global food crisis.

That said.. I don't think I can afford to buy organic everything right now. Lots of people are on a tight budget.  But I can go to local farmers markets and buy a few things that are in season and grown locally.  I can make the effort to buy organically raised meat for one meal a week at least. I can start with a small change in my shopping habits and maybe, if enough others do the same, together we can make a huge difference.

As women, mothers, wives, we are the ones making the majority of the food buying decisions.  We are uniquely placed to effect change because each time we say no to hormone and chemical laden food products, we are supporting farmers who want to give us quality, safe, natural food in our supermarkets.

We don't have to protest-march.  We don't have to write letters to congress.  We don't have to make vast sweeping changes in our lives.  All we have to do is change a little of our grocery list each week.

I'm not one for soap-box preaching but I do care about the health of my children and future grandchildren.  I do care about a sustainable food supply for the world that doesn't destroy the environment.

Please watch Food Inc if you haven't already (Netflix has it as an instant download).  At least be informed about what you're eating and feeding to your family.  Find out what the food corporations are desperately trying to hide from you, then make your own choice.

Helen

In my profile I said I loved to write but I had nothing published.  In the few days since I joined Braveheart Women, I have received a reply from the Editor of a magazine to say he liked my article very much and that it will hopefully be puiblished in April.

I was thrilled! This is the first time I've actually sent anything in to a magazine, or anywhere for that matter, and it just goes to show that you can only succeed if you try.

I'm 48 yrs old and though I've written a number of things for friends and for social groups, I've never before tried my hand at an article for my line of work.  The magazine is a national monthly glossy for business managers and people in the field of occupational safety... not exactly everyone's cup of tea.  But I had something to say, advice to give, and I did it.

It was a small step that feels like a giant leap right now.

Just in case I start getting too big for my boots, I have a couple of critics (my bosses) at work who manage to shred everything I write for the company blog. But I had a whole afternoon of euphoria before the joy-vampires sucked all the good feeling from my veins.