“What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger”
I don’t like this one too very much….not because it isn’t true, but because it implies that one must struggle to grow…that growth has to be painful. Do we really need to “hit bottom” so that we can bounce back high enough to rise above the challenges? I don’t wanna believe that this is a requirement for our transcendence. Do we have to live life on the edge of death in order to really live it? It’s fun sometimes, exhilarating, to be at the point of do or die, jump or don’t, sink or swim, but really, is it absolutely necessary? There is an aliveness like no other in such times, but I wouldn’t want to live there very long. While everything may be vibrating with life, I cannot sustain this wildness with any kind of peace…..and this is what I’m looking for, peace. Happiness comes and goes, peace prevails is one of my tenets. Peace In….and Peace Out and Into the World.
That being said, it is clear to me that the challenges in my life have catapulted me forward in huge leaps that might otherwise have been itty bitty steps….or really really slow ones, snail slow. I have slugged my way through change enough, even when its good change. I look back on all of the times when it seemed that I would never be ok again, would never breathe again and I wouldn’t trade them in. I am grateful. They move me. “Bring it on” is what comes to mind, but I instantly want to make sure that this table I am sitting at is truly made of wood so I can knock on it. I don’t know where the phrase “knock on wood” came from or if it really works, but just in case it does, I want to knock on it. I will worry if I don’t, so just to be safe, I knock. I like to feel I have control over my destiny, what happens, everything…..but I don’t. Stuff happens. Knock on Wood.
I would like to believe that I am through some kind of door and that all the really bad stuff, painful stuff, is behind me, yet I am fairly certain there is more to come. I’m gonna rest here until it does. More important than the rest, is joy. I will enjoy this time as it too shall pass. However, I do not need to wait for it to, expect it to pass. At times, I have hoped for it, in a sense, because I’ve been too uncomfortable being happy….too afraid when there is something to lose. A state of rest only meant that a state of unrest is coming soon. So as not to keep going through the loss, let me just go ahead and be miserable. Goofy, I know. Right now, I am here in this moment and I’m enjoying the peace I feel. It has been a while. I deserve it. The fact is that we all deserve freedom. Something about when someone says “you deserve it” bugs me. I don’t know why except that it implies that I must do something special; I must have done something special to get here. What if I can’t keep up whatever it is that I did to receive this peace and freedom? I don’t know if a person needs to do anything, be anything, in order to receive peace and freedom. It is more of a way of being, acceptance and love. There are no requirements. More importantly, sustaining peace and freedom requires I be aware and recognize their value…..that I show due respect and honor……..and gratitude….and give it away as freely as it came.
For the moment, I am done struggling. I let go. I am free. In this moment, I am more autonomous than I have ever been in my life. I make my choices. What I choose has "good" consequences and "bad" and then I move forward. I like to say reactions instead of consequences…..life has reactions to me. I am not punished, nor am I rewarded. I do the next right thing to bring me to the next right place, whatever that is and there are no guarantees. I don’t get to do things knowing that I will be rewarded. I know there will be more grief. Grief is unfortunately, not optional….but I am done with the kind of suffering that comes from not honoring my truth. This kind of suffering will make your heart stop beating….your lungs stop breathing….your mind stop dreaming…..I’m done with this. I don’t know if I had some kind of karmic debt to pay or I’m a late bloomer, slow learner, or what, but I broke through some kind of wall. I finally feel done with torturing myself….with feeling like I am not enough….that I need to be someone that I am not in order to have love.
I can enjoy the love that I have, and I don’t need to waste time longing for the love that I don’t. If someone doesn’t want my love, then what can I do but to keep moving and give it someone who does. Wow, what a huge relief! I don’t have to “try”. It’s so much easier. The guttural pain of losing something or someone I think I own, but do not, is awful. Nothing or no one belongs to me. The aching need of attachment in order to validate me, then separation from that person, place or thing has broken me. I have literally broken down on my kitchen floor…..much more serious than the bathroom floor. The bathroom floor can be the result of a simple case of the flu but the kitchen floor……that’s another story. There have been a few times that I have sobbed while lying on my kitchen floor. If I am on the kitchen floor, I'm really hurt, I can’t breathe, I can’t eat, I can’t move and I don’t know anymore…..like the morning I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me the first time. I found out in a letter and the words jumped from the page and knocked me on the floor. I couldn’t stand anymore. I could have let it kill me, I could have sacrificed myself. Eventually, I chose me. Anything outside of myself that I have lost does not define me. I am that I am. Whatever I have lost, I still have….is still a part of me, a part of the history that has brought me to this moment and given me what I otherwise might not have that I can now share. I’ve been there. I’ve been a lot of places.
When people ask me about my history and if I am mad at this or that, him or her. I’m really not, really. I have moved on to another life. More is always revealed and I can see it no other way.than it was, than it is. It all fits. In the moment, I might not be able to see this, but I’ve gotten better at letting go. I’m not mad…..maybe I should be, but then why? What is the point? This is a waste of time…..an excuse for not moving forward…for staying stuck which has worked for me in the past….but no longer does. Resentment, self pity, self loathing, fear no longer work for me. I cannot rationalize and hide from myself and the truth anymore. I have my brief periods of transition….I allow myself to be sad, lost, confused….even angry…..then I act as soon as possible. Action saves me….doing the next right thing saves me….this makes me stronger. I have grown because I keep moving….. keep on keeping on…keep on honoring my truth….Honor Your Truth!