Influence By Design

Conflict is a fact of life. Getting comfortable with it is the hard part. Conflict is uncomfortable and when we are confronted, many of us slip into some form of avoidance.

That’s our first mistake.

It doesn’t go away; it just grows.

As the saying goes, dealing with conflict when it feels like a “pinch” is much better than waiting until it grows and feels like a “crunch.”

No doubt conflict can be destructive, but it can also be constructive.

Use conflict creatively. Take emotion out of a difficult conversation. Transform an emotional conversation into a business conversation. Diffuse the tension by saying something such as “I understand how you feel, but let’s look at this another way.”

Using conflict for good means understanding the basic principles of how conflict is instrumental in the learning and growth process. For instance, a team (which can be two people) can use conflict as a way to learn to work together.

If you were exactly the same as someone else, one of you would be irrelevant, right?

Absolutely!

Internal Conflict Is Just As Important and Useful As External Conflict

The term conflict is generally associated with negative engagement or consequences. But consider this: when is it you entertain new beliefs or ideas? When everything is the same? When no one challenges you? When you continue to see things the same way year after year? Of course not.

It’s the conflict inside of you, the nagging what if’s, the uncertainty that arouses from complacency, the feeling that just doesn’t quite set right that points you in a new direction, forcing you to ask new and better questions.

But what about the conflict at work? How does a woman use that to her advantage? She starts by understanding the four stages of learning within an organization. By the way, these stages are ever present if you are running your own business as well.

Here are the four stages of learning, and the benefits of conflict at each stage.

1. Collaborative Climate. This is the initial coming together of the team. As with all groups, there will be relationship and personality conflict. Even marriages deal with this stage. People are on their best behavior at first, then they become more open about their beliefs, values and feelings. This is the stage where trust begins to form.

The success of this stage of conflict depends on people’s willingness and ability to accept relational differences. This is a good indicator of how the other stages of conflict will go. Success at this stage looks like this: meetings take place often, people confront each other in a productive way, and gossip or “talking behind backs” isn’t happening.

In your own business, this stage means stop sabotaging your success. You have to deal with the ideas that conflict with each other by assessing your beliefs, your needs, and how you will accomplish each of these. Don’t avoid answering the tough questions about your business. How will you control the growth? Where will you be spending precious dollars? What barriers are holding you back from making tough decisions? Who are you depending on to help?

Advantages of conflict at this stage: It is best knowing how people feel in the beginning rather than later on in the group or learning process. For instance, it’s no picnic finding out well into the group process that Stan hates the way Cheryl communicates and begins some passive aggressive behavior towards her. Getting the relational conflict out in the open in the beginning is not only smart but beneficial to the end results.

2. Collective Understanding. This stage is where you develop a clear vision, a clear understanding and begin articulating your purpose and goals. Since you have been open and honest about relational differences (and found common ground), you will be able to work your way through the differences you have around goals.

You develop alternatives, insights, and direction during the collective understanding stage. Success at this stage means the group is coming together to determine a common or clear vision of its goals and everyone is on board.

In your business, this stage means doing the work to understand what goals are important and which ones are urgent. You prioritize what will get you where you want to be in a month, a year or longer. If you don’t do this, you risk procrastination and avoidance.

Advantages of conflict at this stage: Conflict around goals leads to better goals. It forces you to decide and to know what your decision is based on. What is it that is pushing you toward a particular action? What consequences or outcomes will happen, and how will you deal with them? Successfully navigating this aspect of your business is critical.

3. Achieving Collective Competency. This is the stage where you develop your tasks, systems and processes. You analyze your skills and capabilities deciding what to use where and when. Strategy becomes your best friend. The conflict that arises is usually about procedures. The devil’s advocate comes out here. This isn’t a bad thing because it forces you to think, entertain and try on new ways or ideas.

In your business, this stage is important because it is too easy for an entrepreneur to get stuck in a single way of thinking or doing things. There is no creativity in that. The rules or norms are written. People are connected, there’s good work flow and established expertise. People have a good idea on how to work together.

Advantages of conflict at this stage: Because you’ve taken the time to organize and prioritize, you can accept responsibility for mistakes leading to solutions. Because of how you accept accountability, your mistakes will surface allowing you to deal with them quickly. Money, time and energy are saved.

4. Continual Improvement. This is the stage where is it safe to modify what you are learning or doing. There is mutual respect, appreciation and comfort in knowing each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Knowledge is shared making the team less vulnerable to a person leaving.

New problems can cause the team to recycle through the previous stages, but it occurs rapidly and in the spirit of learning. Process and task conflicts have a new meaning. They give rise to better, improved ways of doing things. Ongoing debate and conversation is supported by mutual trust and respect.

In your business, this stage allows you to challenge old assumptions that will lead to improved practices. Your awareness of what is important is significantly higher than if you never had internal or external conflict.

Advantages of conflict at this stage: In one word – security. You have the security of knowing how and when to solve conflict and problems.

The next time you are tempted to run away from conflict, consider these benefits:

• Conflict lets you know that problems exist.
• Discussing conflicting views or ideas can lead to better solutions.
• Managing conflict is quicker and more efficient than letting conflicts fester (not to mention the anxiety it causes).
• Challenging old assumptions can lead to changes in outdated practices and processes.
• Conflict calls for creativity to find the best outcomes.
• Conflict shows you what is important to individuals.
• Managing conflicts appropriately helps build your self-esteem.
• Conflicts are challenging.
• Conflicts are exciting.
• Conflicts encourage you to grow.
• Conflicts create more opportunities than anything else.

[This is only one of the many powerful articles in this week's Influence It! Real Power for Women free ezine. To enjoy the full issue, jam packed with insightful information on strategies to enhance your personal and professional life to achieve ultimate success, you must be a subscriber. Sign up for your own free subscription NOW by clicking here!]

How can you be competitive in your workplace without being manipulative?

Let’s face it, in today’s work environment, women still have to work harder than their male counterparts to get ahead in business. While some women will do this by any means necessary, I just can’t condone that and I believe that getting ahead by being honest, intuitive and strong beats being scheming and manipulative any day. But sometimes the area between competition and manipulation can be a little gray, so how can you tell the difference? 

Manipulative Women:

• Wield their power over others
• Hold information as collateral in order to get what they want
• Twist the emotions of those around them in order to gain support
• Use guilt and fear to motivate employees 

Competitive Women:

• Use their power to empower others
• Share the information they have in order to get ahead
• Use natural, positive emotional responses to get the support that they want
• Motivate employees using positive reinforcement and rewards 

It can be easy enough to slip into some patterns of manipulative behavior at work. I’ll be honest here, if it didn’t work so well, women wouldn’t become manipulative in the first place. It’s important to always keep a clear head as you go about your business and remember to always stay positive. I’ve found that if you keep and open, positive frame of mind, it’s almost impossible to become manipulative. The more jaded you become, the more appealing leading by manipulation becomes. 

It’s also important to stay in touch with your intuition. Your gut is likely going to tell you when you’re doing something that doesn’t feel “right” or in line with your sense of business ethics. 

So here’s what you should do next, make a list of where and what you feel powerful in. Then decide if it is manipulative or competitive behavior. Once you do this, then please comment on what you discovered. Better yet, make the necessary changes and tell us about the before-and-after.

Stay inspired and maintain your passion for your career

Most of us start our first day at a new job with excitement and passion. We’re happy to be at a new place or maybe just in a new position, that challenges us and is in line with our beliefs or career goals. However, sometimes we quickly lose that passion or spark that we initially had and find ourselves grinding away at a job that we can’t seem to find passion for any longer. 

Of course, this could mean that we aren’t at the right job for us and we should look for something else, but more often than not, we’ve lost track of what initially inspired us about this job in the first place. Taking time to rediscover the passion we once had for our career can pay off in more ways than one. Here are some reasons why many people take jobs. Perhaps one or more of them falls on your list. 

Job Challenge: Let’s face it, most of us get bored pretty darn fast if we aren’t challenged by our job. So, we tend to look for a job that’s not the same day in and day out. We want something that challenges us to think outside the box and keeps our brains awake. However, sometimes we are faced with too many challenges and that can, in all honesty, be incredibly exhausting. Take time to find a little balance in your life so that when you’re faced with these challenges, you can continually meet them with a clear head. I recommend meditation or yoga to really clear your mind before you get back in the trenches. 

Worthy Cause: Many times, we choose to go to work for a company that fights for a worthy cause. Perhaps it’s a non-profit or a company that produces a product that you think is valuable to society. When we get caught up in the day to day tasks of a job like this, it can be easy to lose sight of the big picture and focus on minutiae. Take a little time each week to refocus yourself on your part in the whole and remember why you took this job in the first. Place: to make a difference in the world. 

Great Employees: A great team makes all the difference in the world. Working with coworkers that are fun, engaging and just as passionate as you are can make you highly motivated to succeed. However, what happens if the staff suddenly changes? How can you keep up the dynamic that woo-ed you in the first place when the same people aren’t there any longer? This can be tricky and some of it might never be the same, quite frankly, but if you focus on keeping the team productive and energetic, you might be able to keep a good dynamic. 

Exciting Work Environment: Maybe it’s the fast-paced workplace or the foosball table in the break room, but you went to work for a company because of the culture that it worked hard to cultivate within its walls. Now, a foosball table is probably not going to keep you at a company long term, but it is important to remember, when you feel bogged down and stressed out, that you knew this would be a work hard play hard situation and realize that the company offers outlets for you to “recover” from your workload and take advantage of those opportunities. 

Opportunity for Growth: Perhaps you took a job because of the opportunities that you would have to learn and grow in a company, but now you feel stuck in one place and you think you haven’t learned anything since you got there. This probably isn’t the case. Write down all of the things you’ve learned since you started your job there and my guess is you’ll be surprised at the amount of growth you’ve had. Perhaps it wasn’t exactly what you planned, but it’s there. Use all of that education to push for more advancement within the company and watch how quickly that education turns into promotion. 

If you agree that it all starts with passion, I’d be grateful if you’d help me spread the word by emailing this post to a friend, or sharing it on Twitter, Facebook or just Google+ it. Thank you!

Hit the nail on the head by using power as a positive in your company.

It’s OK to admit it. You want more power. You wouldn’t be striving for a successful career if you didn’t want to get more and more power in your area of expertise. Of course, I have no doubt that you’ll get to that position of power that you’ve always wanted, but when you get there, how will you use it? 

I like to think of power as a hammer. There are so many ways to use a hammer, just as there are many ways to use your power. Some of which have positive outcomes and some are negative. So which ways should you swing your hammer in order to have the most positive effect in your workplace. 

Build up a community. A hammer is one of the most important tools you need in order to build something strong and lasting. In your workplace, you should always use your power as a building block for creating a healthy, open work environment for your team. 

Construct barriers to entry. You know what you can also build with a hammer? A blockade. Be careful not to alienate coworkers by erecting barriers around yourself using your power. Eventually, people come to resent you. 

Break down a glass ceiling. The glass ceiling still exists for women. It’s hard for them to advance past a certain level of management and they have to work extra hard to get past it. Use that power you have and swing it right through the glass ceiling, shattering it for yourself and the women that come after you. 

Smash morale. If you aren’t careful where you swing your hammer, you’re likely to do some real damage to people around you. The same goes with power. Be careful of the way in which you use the power given to you, because it may serve only to squelch company morale.

Create a framework for success. This is what you ultimately want to do with your hammer of power. You want to use your power to empower your employees to build a team that works well together and has no problems getting access to the tools they need to break down barriers that they encounter.

Listen to your gut and learn what it’s telling you.

It’s no secret that I’m a huge proponent of listening to your intuition. I frequently write about how critical listening to our gut is for us to find success in our lives. While men may have gut feelings as well, I believe that a sixth sense or a keen intuition is a skill that women have that’s innate and only needs to be recognized and it can become one of the most valuable tools in our arsenal. So what happens if you aren’t really accustomed to listening to your intuition or you feel like you’ve sort of become derailed and your intuition doesn’t make any sense to you anymore? Well, that’s when practice makes perfect. Start asking yourself questions in order to analyze your gut and better learn to follow your natural instincts. 

Question: What is this nagging feeling I have hanging over me?

Answer: Oh boy, your gut is trying to tell you something. You may not know what it is right away, but your gut knows and it’s not going to stop pestering you until you address whatever it is that’s bothering you. Your intuition doesn’t go away just because you don’t want to hear what it has to say. 

Question: Is this my intuition or my brain?

Answer: Many times, when we’ve had bad results or been hurt by acting based on our intuition, our brain will try to fight back and tell us not to follow our heart. You’ve got to figure out whether your brain is trying to override your heart. 

Question: How the heck do I tell the difference between my heart and head?

Answer: It’s tricky, for sure, but in general, your brain learns from experience and wants to prevent you from making the same mistakes again. It will typically react in fear or trepidation. Your intuition is brave. It knows what it wants, regardless of past experiences. 

Question: How can I reconcile a conflict between my instincts and my learned behaviors?

Answer: It happens often that our gut says “YES!” and our brain says, “Hey now, stop what you’re doing right now!” What we can do to balance these two is actually compromise. To ignore your intuition would be a bad idea, but to throw yourself into a potentially dangerous situation would be foolish as well. Listen to that heart of your but proceed with caution instead of reckless abandon. 

Question: How can I communicate my intuition with others?

Answer: Sometimes our intuition may not have an answer that’s easy to communicate with others right off the bat. I recommend reading this post to figure out exactly how to communicate what your natural instincts are telling you.

Every woman is a born leader with leadership skills waiting to be developed. She leads her life, her family, her friends, and her work colleagues.

For centuries women have stood in the face of confrontation and conflict. Women are called to leadership action. They want to make a difference. Women are designed to solve problems. Ask any mother at the dinner table or in the car headed to the next soccer tournament.

Leadership is not about being endlessly kind and well-groomed. It is more than being a role model or mentor.

Leadership is equal parts being who you really are,what people hope you will be, and what people need you to be.

It means taking the risk to stick your neck out and take a stand – sometimes an unpopular stand.

Effective women leaders understand the necessity of claiming their space to announce new and needed ideas, to create controversy in the wake of status quo and to offer security in direction.

Effective women leaders know the courage and fortitude it requires to measure up under the spotlight.

This is precisely why women need to be aware of and overcome the most common mistakes made in leadership positions and opportunities.

Here are the top 5 leadership mistakes and how women can avoid them.

1. Not letting people follow you. How many times have you started to lead only to question those following you? Sounds crazy, yes. Does it happen? You bet.

Constantly micromanaging your followers is a way of questioning them. When you micromanage, you are telling them you don’t have confidence in what they are doing. They start to doubt you. They begin to question your ability. They don’t feel secure in the direction you are leading, and this generates rejection.

Solution: Carefully plan what needs to be done, who should do it and the timeline. This applies at work as well as at home. Whose job is it to meet with specific customers? Who is responsible for managing evaluations? Who is supposed to take out the garbage on Tuesday nights? Another tip is to realize you are not all things to all people. You will need to sort through who garners your attention. It’s a matter of realizing what is important versus what is urgent.

2. Being paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake. This is worse than analysis by paralysis. It’s one step removed – backwards. Fear is the number one barrier to everything. It stops you from even starting. You fear not only making a mistake but also being the one in the spotlight holding the bag once everyone around you scatters.

Solution: Accept the fact that you will make mistakes. In fact, it’s the mistakes that make you a better leader, but only if you learn from them. Know that if you make a bad call, your intention is honorable AND you fully intend to learn every aspect of what went wrong, what you could have done better and what you will do next time. Be caring toward yourself. Possess an attitude of understanding and forgiveness. Certainly drop the “I know everything” stance.

3. Letting your EGO get in the way. Once you get into a leadership position, it can be tempting to let it go to your head. You start to think you have all the answers. You’re the cat’s meow! People begin to view you as self-centered, egocentric, and (guess what) dispensable. Yes, they would rather get rid of you than follow you.

Solution: Don’t hog the limelight. Give credit where credit is due. This is where your delegation skills pay off. You can easily point to the person or people responsible for a job well done. When it is your turn to bask in the sunshine, do it with grace, humility and acceptance.

4. Wearing your heart on your sleeve. Yes, decisions need to be made from your heart and intuition as well as your head. Never underestimate the value and worth of what your gut is telling you. However, you don’t need to show every emotion at every turn.

Solution: Practice reservation. Control your body language. Let it represent what you want to show. Turn a deaf ear to untrue gossip. Respond with dignity to criticism. Do not tip-toe or become mindlessly sensitive to what’s going on in the company. Listen to people’s feelings about what you are doing. Gather information and reflect in private your feelings and the meaning of the information. Remember, “never let them see you cry” doesn’t mean never cry.

5. Waiting to be invited to lead. Women mistakenly consider it polite to wait to be called to lead. They tend to see if someone else steps forward first or who has more “senior” ability to claim the title. Failing to quickly and assertively step into a leadership role causes you more damage than you realize.

Solution: Understanding that leadership isn’t only for the CEO, you need to be among the first two or three people to speak in every meeting – not to necessarily voice your opinion, but to ask questions or support what others say. This also applies to asking permission. When you ask permission, you are relegating yourself to a child. You should inform others of your plans, and then ask for suggestions.

[This is only one of the many powerful articles in this week's Influence It! Real Power for Women free ezine. To enjoy the full issue, jam packed with insightful information on strategies to enhance your personal and professional life to achieve ultimate success, you must be a subscriber. Sign up for your own free subscription NOW by clicking here!]

Don’t just wait for change, create it with feedback

Before I even begin writing this post, I want to make one thing very clear. I don’t believe that yelling at someone in a work environment or using bullying tactics to get change will EVER be as effective as feedback. Sure, it may get you results faster and it’s certainly a heck of a lot easier, but in the end, all you’re doing is creating a negative work space and that’s not something anyone wants to work in long term. 

Now that my disclaimer is out of the way, let’s talk about ways that you can take weaknesses or problems in your department and start to either make them disappear or turn them into a positive. I find the best way to do this is to create a feedback loop in your company. It takes a little hard work at first, but once you have all the steps in place, the loop becomes organic and you’ll barely even notice it’s in place except for the fact that you have a healthy, productive team. 

As you read these, I don’t want you to think of this as a linear progression, I want you to view these steps as a loop (I find it helpful to imagine the little recycling logo). One leads to the other, leads to the other, hopefully in an organic manner at some point. Of course, you do have to start this loop somewhere and I recommend here: 

Be open to talk and willing to listen.

If you’re surprised that this is the first step rather than criticism, you shouldn’t be. Before you even begin trying to create change in the workplace, your employees need to feel they can trust you and that you have their best interest at heart. If you’re open and listen well, people will be more likely to take the feedback that you have more seriously. 

Give positive feedback and constructive criticism.

Now that your staff is open to hearing what you have to say, sit them down individually at first, then as a team. After all, while each person may have various strengths and weaknesses, a team as a unit also has areas for improvement. If you’re worried about sensitive feelings, you can try the “complement sandwich” method of stating a positive, pointing out a flaw and then bringing up another positive. But it is important to point out areas that need some work. 

Offer realistic solutions.

If you don’t offer solutions then how can you expect change? Sure each employee is responsible for their own performance, but you are responsible for giving them the tools and feedback they need in order to succeed. Do not offer constructive criticism if you can’t offer at least one plausible solution. 

Check in with your team.

It’s important to follow up with your feedback or else you might lose some of your momentum. Talk to the members of your team and get status reports on the progress of items that you discussed previously.  

Of course, when you check in, it’s important to be open to talk and willing to listen. So you see, we’ve come full circle in a fairly natural way and we can keep this feedback loop up to create positive change in the workplace. 

What feedback loops are you putting in place? Drop me a note to let me know what’s working for you!

Keep the fire of passion alive at work every day and avoid burn out.

I’d like to take a minute to ask my readers to raise their hand if you’ve ever been at a company or in a position that caused you to burn out?  

Those of you who still have your hands down, I’d like to congratulate you on finding a great balance in your life and managing to keep your head on straight. It can be very hard to avoid getting so caught up in your work that you eventually fizzle and burn out. I thought I would take the time today to identify some of the different ways that I’ve seen women burn out and the some of the steps you might be able to take in order to avoid it. 

Slow Fizzle

This is the type of burn out you may not ever see coming, but you get to work one day and discover that you simply don’t have the energy or drive to continue doing the work you once used to love. This is probably the most insidious way to lose your passion because you frequently don’t notice you’re losing it until it’s gone. You simply haven’t had enough fuel to keep the fire stoked and now it’s gone. 

How to prevent it: Regularly check in with yourself. Just like your employer does quarterly or annual reviews, you should do to the same with yourself. It’s important to take stock of your emotion and mental health as well as how you feel about your job in order to remain passionate about what you do. If you find you’re losing excitement, try and find new challenges that keep things interesting. 

Smoke Signals

The signs are all there, ladies. Every once in a while all this work puts up a big pile of smoke, like that passion is just about to fizzle and die, but then something new comes along and holds your attention for just enough time to keep you going for a little longer. While this can keep you motivated in the short term, this is no way to continue with your career, since you will eventually just run out of steam. 

How to prevent it: Most people don’t have a job that keeps them interested, challenged and engaged each and every day. If you’ve found that job then congratulations, you’ve found perfection. Never let it go. While you may not have the perfect job, it’s very important to have a job that keeps you engaged and challenged at least 80 percent of the time so that you don’t simply run out of steam at some point. 

Smothering the Flame

You’re buried in work. There’s no end to it. You could be up 24 hours a day and still not get it all done. It’s got you stressed to the max and one day you just can’t do it anymore. You stop trying and just let your productivity go from 100 to 0. This can be very hard to recover from because once you experience doing nothing, going back to a grueling schedule can be a complete impossibility.  

How to prevent it: My goodness, woman, come up for air! You can’t bury yourself alive in work and expect your passion to decide. You have got to find a balance in order to prevent this kind of loss of excitement.  

The Nuclear Meltdown

I believe some people refer to it as “going postal.” I’m not saying you’re going to go to those extremes, but these types of burnouts are very public and nearly impossible to recover from since there’s often tons of collateral damage after the fact. This must be avoided at all costs.  

How to prevent it: Don’t bottle everything up. You cannot be everything to everyone so stop trying so hard. You aren’t perfect. Admit it and keep on doing the great work that you’ve been doing as a human being. If you need to vent, do it with friends or talk to a superior if you’re having problems at work. 

Help a friend or colleague who may be experiencing stress or overwhelm at work. Please share this – they’ll be glad you did!

In the previous two issues of Influence It! Real Power For Women, you learned about the relationship between emotion and selling.

This knowledge is critical in your ability to understand human nature, emotions, and persuasion.

As the world-renowned neuroscientist Damasio showed, no decision humans make is based on rational thinking alone.

So, let’s continue on with the next four hot buttons in our series.

The fourth hot button is guilt. This is where you introduce the worst-case scenario. You pose the question, “What happens if you (the customer) don’t buy a certain product? Will they or a loved one be hurt or affected in a negative way?

Guilt is an emotion that we learn consciously and unconsciously from our parents, society, or faith. Growing up, we seek out approval and are taught to always be accountable for our own responsibilities. As a result, we often take responsibility for things that are not directly our fault. This just tends to be human nature.

A good example of appealing to a person’s guilt are manufacturers of baby car seats. You come up with a slogan or marketing campaign that tells parents they are great parents if they buy what you’re selling because that is a sure way of keeping your baby safe. See how it plays on a parent’s guilt? “If I don’t buy this or that, then I am not a good parent or one who doesn’t do or spend everything to keep my baby safe.”

When marketers play on the guilt hot button, one thing they are sure about is that people picture the “what-if” scenario.

The fifth hot button is exclusivity. This is when you appeal to a person’s sense of individuality or uniqueness.

What is it that makes exclusivity important in marketing? First, people are naturally drawn to things they cannot have. For instance, there are only 3 spots left – so what do people do? They jump up and run to the back of the room to be sure they are one of the “special” people to get one.

Next, we all want to belong and be a part of something bigger than ourselves; something that nobody else qualifies for. It’s like limiting the number of people who can get into the “club,” which makes people want to get in sooner rather than later. It has the effect of making us feel better about ourselves.

Finally, when it comes to our emotion of feeling exclusive, we want the benefits that come with being part of the elite group. For instance, not everyone can afford a Ferrari, so if you have one, people will automatically assume you are of a higher social and financial status.

The sixth hot button is vanity. Vanity is based on a sense of self-importance. It can be narcissistic or selfish. Research shows that an appeal to a person’s vanity is one of the greatest marketing strategies that is used. It taps into the desire for recognition.

A good example of this is the clothing industry. There’s been a controversy lately of whether clothing companies are misrepresenting their sizes on the clothes. I can tell you that the higher end clothes have smaller sizes for the exact amount of material for a lesser company’s same dress. They are all using different sizing systems. Why? Well, they say that companies are so obsessed with selling their clothing lines that they will do anything to appeal to a woman’s vanity – and yes, that vanity is applied to what size we wear.

I mean, how many of you put down your actual weight on your driver’s license?

The fallout for this tactic is when people purchase due to the appeal to their vanity and they end up being betrayed, they will do anything to justify that they made a good choice. You see, people don’t voluntarily say, “I am purchasing because I am selfish and hold myself as more deserving than the next person.”

This hot button is fairly subconscious, but it’s there.

The seventh hot button is salvation. Essentially, the idea is you will be saved from something or someone. It also means you will attain greater things if you can be persuaded to buy.

It really centers on the idea that we will be forgiven for our sins or the wrong doings we did in the past. It implies there will be a certain protection from bad things or people whose intent is to harm us.

I think this is a hot button for people searching for answers about their future. Sometimes people are obsessed about what will happen to them in the future. So when they find a “product” or something they can participate in that will in some fashion guarantee their future, they will jump at the chance.

I found this in my research and would like to share it with you. It’s an example of a fundraiser flyer.

This is a professionally written money maker. Let me reveal to you the emotional triggers buried in the author’s choice of words:

“You are hereby invited [flattery] to become a Member [exclusivity] of the Kennedy Center at a full 20% discount [greed] and gain [greed] the special privilege [exclusivity] to purchase advance tickets before the general public [exclusivity] to the finest [exclusivity] Kennedy Center presentations.”

You might quickly conclude from this example that the more emotional triggers, the better, and you’d be right. But notice, too, how focused the triggers are in the Kennedy Center piece. They operate within a pretty narrow range: flattery, exclusivity, greed. They reinforce each other harmoniously, urging the reader toward a purchase decision.

This is a perfect example of combing the hot buttons so you can leverage even more emotion from your target.

[This is only one of the many powerful articles in this week's Influence It! Real Power for Women free ezine. To enjoy the full issue, jam packed with insightful information on strategies to enhance your personal and professional life to achieve ultimate success, you must be a subscriber. Sign up for your own free subscription NOW by clicking here!]

In order to reach your goals, you’re going to need some help – how to reach out

I’m a strong, independent woman who has earned my status in life through hard work and determination. Yes, a lot of what I have I got on my own. But do I have just myself to thank for everything that I’m so blessed to have these days? Absolutely not. If my life were the Oscars, I would have a list of thanks so long that they would have to go to commercial before I finished reading it.  

The thing is, success is not just about you. It’s about the people that help you get there and a lot of times, they won’t help you if you don’t ask. Sometimes they are still reluctant to help even when you ask, so you have to have to hone those persuasion skills to get them to help you reach your goals. While every situation is different, I thought I would offer up a few dos and don’ts to help you get started. 

DON’T 

Try and bribe them. While it’s important to make be people see the benefit of helping you, making it something as blatant as money or a promotion (“Do this and I’ll make sure you get that new position.”) won’t create a lasting partnership. This is someone who is always going to try to profit from anything you do and has no real loyalty. 

Be overly demanding. Look, these people are helping you. Sure it may not be from the most altruistic place in their hearts, but they are helping you. Don’t weight them down with unnecessary tasks. All you’ll do is make them feel used and they’ll be much less likely to work with you in the future. 

Act entitled. No one likes it when you act like a spoiled princess. You do not deserve to have anything simply handed to you. Just like everyone else in this country, you’ve got to earn your success and the trust and help of others. Don’t act like coworkers owe you just because they work for you. 

DO 

Be yourself. Authenticity< span style="font-size: small;"> is so important when it comes to every aspect of your life and people can tell when you aren’t “keeping it real.” In all things you do, be true to yourself and people are more likely to help you. 

Say “thank you.” You would be surprised at how few times people actually hear the words “thank you” after they help someone out. A simple thanks can go such a long way sometimes. Simply acknowledging that they’ve helped you makes a world of difference. 

Make sure there’s something in it for them. “Quid pro quo” as they say. Persuasion is all about getting someone to see your point of view as it pertains to them. Whether it’s a task that will give them more experience or something that will give them an opportunity to try something new, getting them to see the benefit for them is very important.

There are many types of dominant voices. What’s yours?

Ladies, you and I both know it – the corporate world is no place for a shy little girl. It takes guts and bravery to succeed in a business world that’s still largely dominated by men. This is why it’s important very early on to establish your voice. You know, that style or essence in all of your communication that makes you not only memorable, but persuasive as well. Now, just like no two women are the same, not every voice is going to work with just any old woman. No ma’am. You’ve got to find the voice that you can own. Most of the time, you had it in you the whole time, you just had to put on your big girl pants and shout it from the rooftops.  

Like I said, there is no preset voice that fits neatly on each woman, but here are a couple of voices that exist out there. Do any of these seem to suit you more than others?  

Woman of Few Words

When you speak, the world listens. This is because you choose your words carefully. You don’t see the point in too much idle chit chat and believe that you shouldn’t say something if it’s not worth saying. When you reserve your words for only the most important conversations, your opinions and thoughts become all the more valuable. However, be careful, some people may take your reservation as being shy, which is not a quality people look for when it comes to climbing the corporate ladder. 

Kill ‘em with Kindness

The saying goes “You catch more flies with honey” and that’s typically the case in any scenario. Being a kind and gracious coworker and thoughtful friend will earn you loads of respect and the confidence of your superiors. But be careful, many c-level employees are looking for women with that “killer instinct” and you don’t want your kindness to come off making you look like a pushover. 

The Comedienne

Laughter is the best medicine and it can also be a great way to disarm coworkers and the competition. When you’re a bit of a ham, people naturally gravitate to you because they know that you’ll be quick with a joke and they’ll always have a good time around you. However, sometimes a great sense of humor can work against you if you need your superiors to take you seriously. Choose when and where you make ‘em laugh very carefully. 

No Nonsense Queen

For you, there is no such thing as business casual. All business is serious business and should be treated as such. You’re the go to person when it comes to running meetings or organizing projects. While all of these skills are very desirable in upper level management because they show dedication and focus, they can make you appear to be somewhat of an ice queen and make you completely unrelatable to the rest of the staff. Keep it focused, but don’t lose touch with your feminine side. 

How about you, my friends? Can you think of any other voices that we could add to this list? I’m sure there are thousands of others just waiting to be identified.

Triggers are alive and well for women! They are a part of our memory; they guide us and sometimes protect us.

Triggers work by way of emotions. When we are exposed to certain stimuli, and depending on our history, we experience a rush of emotion that tells us how to react.

When you apply emotions to the selling process, one key point is to enter the conversation that is already going on in you prospect’s mind. After that, you need to understand the emotions they are experiencing during that conversation.

There are 7 emotions that occur, or some form of them, when a person is making a decision, particularly a decision to say yes. We buy on emotion (desires), and justify using logic.

You need to know this when you are selling to a prospect.

Capturing the mind of the consumer means learning how to:

• Create a “gotta have it” feeling
• Reduce resistance to the sale
• Instantly establish a connection
• Arouse a prospect’s inner buying desire
• Establish trust in the prospect’s mind

You can accomplish all of this in your sales message, and you can do it ethically and with integrity. There’s no hype, no hypnotizing them, no selling what they don’t need.

It’s all in the language and the words you use. But the unfortunate thing is that most people use words that turn people OFF, rather than ON.

7 Emotional Triggers

Here are the 7 hot buttons (emotions) that you need to push (appeal to) to get your prospect to yes – the ethical way.

1. The first hot button is fear. This is the most powerful hot button. It plays into the reactions that humans want to 1) seek pleasure and/or 2) avoid pain. Remember the slogan “You May Be Next?” Well, it appeals to the emotional trigger of fear.

First, you need to understand your target audience. What are their fears? Keep in mind that not all fears are the same for everyone. That’s because people have different experiences with fear and different interpretations of those experiences.

To make use of the fear button, you need to provide a solution. Your solution needs to be one that eliminates doubt, eliminates fear, promotes courage, and maybe even encourages risk-taking toward a positive outcome.

2. The second hot button is anger. This is the most frequently experienced emotion.

What’s important to remember about anger is the outcome of it, and how it affects someone’s judgment and decision making. What you should be aware of is how anger influences perception, beliefs, ideas, reasoning and ultimately choices – the choices that you are trying to persuade.

You find out what they aren’t satisfied with and how that anger influences their judgment.

The best way to use the anger hot button is to understand it. Again, your powers of observation, eliciting information and tuning in with your intuition are important at this point.

3. The third hot button is greed. These people thirst for the best and the most of everything. But that’s the extreme. We need to realize that greed is a part of all of us in varying degrees. It is still an emotion; one that we try to grow beyond, but nonetheless, it does rear its head once in awhile, especially when we are being tempted with certain marketing messages.

This is the “What’s In It For Me?” piece of persuading.

It is about the fear of not having enough or ending up alone, lonely or isolated. They believe that unless they have it all, no one will want them. They are so desperate for approval, for attention, for acceptance that they will go to great lengths to get it, and that might mean becoming greedy in the process.

Find out what your potential client is lacking. Use your best communication and observation skills to discover what is missing for them.

Next week, read Part 3, where I share the final four hot buttons that you can use to persuade your prospect into saying yes.

[This is only one of the many powerful articles in this week's Influence It! Real Power for Women free ezine. To enjoy the full issue, jam packed with insightful information on strategies to enhance your personal and professional life to achieve ultimate success, you must be a subscriber. Sign up for your own free subscription NOW by clicking here!]

Anger management and you: 10 calming tips

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I have days where I just want to scream. Nothing seems to go the way I planned and then one thing will completely set me off. I imagine that most of us experience times like this every once in a while and, you know what? They are a part of life, so it’s OK that they happen. However, it’s how you choose to control your anger that makes the difference between a positive and negative outcome. Here are some tips that I’ve picked up over the years to help you better manage your anger.

1.    Don’t deny your frustration. Repressing your anger will only cause it to build and when you put that much pressure on frustration, at some point, you’ll have to explode. Acknowledge the way you feel and tell yourself it’s alright to feel that way.

2.    Take deep breaths. Sometimes just relaxing and taking a few cleansing breathes is enough to clear your mind sufficiently to either let go of your anger or address it in a healthy way.

3.    Let go of grudges. Holding a grudge against someone is a sure fire way to hold onto anger and resentment. When you let go of a grudge, it’s much easier to control your temper.

4.    Think before you speak. When we get angry, we tend to say things that we’ll regret later on. When you feel yourself losing your temper, be very mindful of what you’re about to say.

5.    Have a laugh. From time to time, having a good laugh is all it takes to dissolve the frustration that’s building.

6.    Take it to the gym. Anger creates a lot of physical tension in your body and sometimes all it takes is a physical activity to release it. Go for a run or take an aerobics class. Sweat out that frustration!

7.    Come up with solutions. Rather than dwelling on the problem and how angry it’s making you, stop and try to come up with solutions to the problem.

8.    Take a “time out.” This is similar to breathing deeply. When you can feel something making you mad, stop. Calm down and come back to it once you’ve cleared your head.

9.    Remove yourself from the situation. If it’s a situation that’s angering you, step away from it. In fact, if it’s something you need not be involved in, remove it from your life completely. If you have to come back to it, then be sure to do so only after you’ve stopped fuming.

10.  Get help. If you just can’t seem to control your temper, no matter what you do, you may want to seek some help. There are support groups for people who have trouble with anger management or you can seek the help of a counselor. Be proactive and get help learning to control your anger.