Influence By Design

Gratitude is one of the most powerful emotions you can have.

Every woman in business is thankful for something or someone: investors, supporters, parents, spouses, customers, being in the right place at the right time, on-time delivery, increased on-line presence, high-performing team. The list goes on. But how and how often do you show your gratitude? Say a simple thank you? Give an appreciative smile?

Gratitude is more than counting your blessings. It’s about where you place your focus. Are you simply saying thank you out of habit, or do you really feel what it means? Only when you put feeling behind what you say is when it has value and becomes gratitude.

Gratitude is an influential energy that you must send out in the process of actualizing your desires. Until you learn to be grateful for the things you have, you will not receive the things you want. The emotion of joy attracts the conditions of joy.

Gratitude sends out the message that you already have what you desire. This is similar to how the law of attraction works; you need to think and act as if the object of your desire is already a part of your reality.

As you begin your day, say what you are grateful for out loud. Saying them silently in your mind causes your mind to wander. Be intentional with your gratitude. Look at all the abundance you have. Notice the small, yet significant, things.

Nate Lambert, a professor of family sciences at Brigham Young University, studied how gratitude helps the giver, not the receiver. What he found were people who expressed gratitude at least twice a week showed a higher regard for others and were more willing to resolve problems. Lambert concluded, “Gratitude works because it takes the focus off the self.” He added, “All of a sudden you start focusing on what’s good about the person and how that works well with you and suddenly you have a different mindset and a different approach to your relationship.”

Here are 5 ways women entrepreneurs show their gratitude:

1. Think small. Instead of waiting for the multi-million dollar client or the video that goes viral, focus on the little things about your clients or customers. Return the caring smile or nod, send a handwritten note expressing thanks, or publicly acknowledge an employee’s loyalty. Small gratitudes are the antidote to taking life and others for granted.
2. Decide to be grateful. If you are only grateful when things go your way, it makes you a victim of circumstance. Find something that came your way just because, meaning you didn’t work for or influence, such as a good night’s sleep, the fresh air you breathe, or the rain that keeps things growing. Say thank you for being there to receive it. It’s important to recognize the simple, yet massive, things we take for granted. Make the choice to reconnect with your invisible blessings.
3. Feel appreciation before you express it. Be authentic with your expression of gratitude. People will spot your lack of sincerity, which results in a loss of trust. A relationship without trust is impossible. Spend at least one day without being critical of anything. That may be hard to do, and if it is, then you have some “gratitude” work to do. Pay attention to what is right with the world.

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” William Arthur Ward

1. Don’t expect anything in return. When you say thank you or show your gratitude, stay unattached to the outcome of your expression. Expecting something in return distracts you from where your focus needs to be – on the person or situation receiving your gratitude. Take note of the deed that is deserving of your attention or acknowledgement. Really see it for what it is, not looking at it through the blur we’ve all become accustomed to as we rush through our day.
2. Refrain from expressing gratitude when the person is upset with you. The reason for this is the other person, while being upset with you, will feel conflicted when you express appreciation. Being upset, hurt or angry does not mix well with gratitude. Rather, resolve any conflict you have before saying “thank you.”

Gratitude is more than just a thank you. It’s a way of living, of giving back, of receiving graciously, and of building awareness and peace. Entering into this state of being is when you begin loving what you have. This is when you will discover all that you truly possess.

When you feel grateful, you feel worthwhile. When you feel worthwhile, you increase your presence in the world.

When the Business Relationship Becomes a Straight Jacket

Most people spend more of their time at work and with their colleagues than they do with their actual family and friends outside of the business. It’s no wonder that we develop good relationships and friendships (sometimes even romantic in nature) at our workplace. But sometimes those work relationships become such a burden that they weigh us down and prevent us from being able to focus on our career or family. How can you tell when a business relationship has become toxic for your life?

Does the relationship stray outside the 9-5 timeframe?

Sometimes this is all it takes. Some relationships simply must be kept business. And while the occasional business dinner is completely acceptable, there are some people that you work that should never cross the line between work and pleasure.

Are you sacrificing your goals for others’?

Many people find fulfillment and satisfaction in their careers. If that’s you and suddenly you find yourself making compromises in order to help a friend at work out, then the relationship has strayed too far outside of what you should be doing.

Do you find yourself dealing with a coworker’s problem more than your own work-related issues?

Some people need to bounce their problems off others in order to find a solution and that is completely acceptable. In fact, you may be one of those types! When this behavior becomes dangerous is when they start using your valuable time “on the clock” to have help sorting through their personal issues, rather than work-related problems.

Do you think your association with this colleague could get you into hot water?

Friendship on many levels of a company is typically not frowned upon; however, many companies have strict dating policies and will not allow employees and superiors to date one another. If you know that the relationship you are entering into blurs the line between what is appropriate and inappropriate, it is likely not a good idea.

Are you worrying more about this relationship than your job?

Chances are you have some lofty career goals and why shouldn’t you? You are a smart, savvy woman who deserves everything she gets! So if you catch yourself spending more time worrying about this business relationship than about your career, chances are, it’s only slowing you down and you should try to distance yourself from the person or party involved.

Building a healthy relationship through positive influence

Everyone knows that relationships take work. It takes times, commitment and, above all, the patience to understand and compromise with your partner. You’ve probably heard someone say it before: “Choose your battles.” When you’re in a relationship, you really have to take time to figure out what disagreements to let go, what to compromise on and when to put your foot down and insist on having it your way. It’s those moments of “my way or the highway” where you need to be the most understanding with your partner, but you also need to influence them enough to see your way and change their mind about something that is very important to you. So how can you influence this person without having it turn into something unhealthy and manipulative?

 Stay calm. There is nothing worse than having an intense discussion when both sides get heated. Things tend to spin out of the logic zone very quickly and into pettiness. If you really want to influence someone special, keep it together and keep it calm. Don’t respond rashly to any of their reactions and anticipate at least a little push back.  

Try to be empathetic. You are asking someone you love to change something very important to them in order to fit your wants or needs. This isn’t something that happens in five minutes or even overnight. Try to have a little compassion for them and give them the time and space they need to process your requests. Think how you would feel in the same situation and how you would want to be treated.

Respect their opinion. A relationship is nothing if it doesn’t have mutual respect. That includes respect for differing opinions. When you talk to them about your issue, don’t deride their opinion, respect it, even if it differs wildly from your own.

Hold your ground.If you give in once, you’ll give in again and the pattern of caving becomes a habit. I’m not saying you should be stubborn on every single issue, but at some point, you have to be willing to draw a line that you will not cross and stick to your guns. 

Finally, stay calm. Again, I cannot stress how important it is to keep a level head during moments when discussions could easily take a turn for the dramatic and one or both of you says or does something that they might regret later.

Men look at problems and see one thing. That one thing which needs correction, and they seek to fix it. Women look at the same problem and see multiple things that need fixing. Men use their left brain searching for the answer, while women use their right brain searching for several answers.

Men and women evaluate problems differently. What else is new?

There’s the desire to solve the problem, then there’s the desire to uncover every reason or hint at what wouldn’t solve the problem.

Women look at a problem from every angle, including curves, corners and straight lines, speculating what will possibly work, and who will be affected.

In 2001, Harvard researchers found that certain parts of the brain were differently sized in males and females. The study found that parts of the frontal lobe, responsible for problem-solving and decision-making, and the limbic cortex responsible for regulating emotions, were larger in women.

It’s no wonder that a woman’s system of problem-solving takes a longer time and involves making everything personal and leading with her emotions in a quest to see how she would feel about each possible solution.

This makes perfect sense! Women with strong inner influence DNA rise to the occasion of finding solutions that work.

Women approach problem-solving with a brain that places emphasis on specific pieces of the problem-solving process. For instance, how much authority do you have? Are you responsible for the ultimate outcome? Will you have influence in directing people and their actions? How will you survive any backlash?

Keep in mind that your problem-solving capabilities are being used daily, if not hourly. Everything that comes into your frame of reference is a contributor, the result of a problem or solution. So women pay attention, even when they aren’t consciously doing so.

There are 5 steps smart women use to solve a problem – the first AND only time:

1. Define the problem that’s not the squeaky wheel. Every problem you’ve ever been confronted with always has a corresponding deeper issue that is the cause of the problem. This is where you should focus. Yes, take care of the “presenting problem,” but under no circumstances ignore the deeper issue.
 
The deeper issue is where you will find the source of several problems. When you get in the habit of going there, you will find you have fewer problems on the surface. This is the step where many people give up. Perseverance is not their strong suit. Not so for women. As we have all heard over and over again, “Can you just forget about it?” No we can’t, and thank goodness we can’t because we never give up when there’s a cause to be found.
 
2. Get everyone involved. One of the major ways to gain commitment from anyone is to get them involved in the process. Find out who the major stakeholders are. Who’s invested in the solution? What role do they play in the creation of the problem and/or the deeper issue?
 
Make the connection between what they stand to lose or gain, and how that will come to pass depending on their willingness to cooperate in reaching a solution. Commitment through involvement is when you can influence people’s thinking and behavior. Once you influence people’s thinking, you can educate them on how to ward of future problems.
 
3. Look everywhere for answers. Women are widespread in how they gather information, how they study it, make meaning from it, and how they will apply it. This approach will assist you not only in finding an answer but also the right answer. The more you do this, the better and quicker it works for you.
 
Do not discount anything at this step in the problem-solving process. Brainstorm, mind map, create flow charts, ask questions, ask TOUGH questions – then repeat. Use your critical and creative thinking skills. Reflect on and assess any assumptions underlying your own and other’s ideas. Develop ideas that are unique, useful, and worthy of development. It’s draining to get to the end of the process only to say, “Gee, why didn’t I look there?”
 
4. Make a Top Ten List. Choose your best ten solutions, rank them, then try them on for size BEFORE you implement them. This is where your natural talent lies. Let your mind race ahead figuring, understanding, and scoping out what will result from each of your top ten solutions. Something is guaranteed to stand out either as a huge bust or a great win. You just saved yourself valuable time and resources.
 
Skipping this step is a crucial error in the problem-solving process. This is when most people think the solution (note only one solution) they zeroed in on is “the” answer. Hello? Not so. And women get this. In fact, we’ve been criticized for years for making this step a priority in the process. Your ability to analyze, dissect, and play out all possible scenarios is what makes you valuable to anyone and everyone. Perfect this skill!
 
5. Decide, implement and evaluate. Quickly! Don’t fall prey to self-doubt, chronic complaining or consensus. Yes, I said consensus. Remember, you, and only you, have the responsibility for making the decision that will solve the problem.
 
You can do this quickly ONLY if you’ve done your work in step 4. You don’t want to be caught relying on hindsight. This step requires you to have courage. Your courage will be the deciding factor on whether or not you are ready for taking on problem-solving actions.

Not evaluating your solution is a sign of getting prepared for the next problem. This is another place women shine. We use our memories of past evaluations and problem-solving actions to determine what will work again or not.

The next time you are confronted with a problem, use your innate abilities to solve it. Trust in your confidence, your commitment and your courage to make it a one time solution.

[This is only one of the many powerful articles in this week's Influence It! Real Power for Women free ezine. To enjoy the full issue, jam packed with insightful information on strategies to enhance your personal and professional life to achieve ultimate success, you must be a subscriber. Sign up for your own free subscription NOW by clicking here!]

Do you ever wonder whose life you’re influencing? Look around you. Who do you see? What’s going on in your environment?

Where are you having impact? Do you have the upper hand - carefully measuring and selecting what goes on in your world?
The woman who takes charge of her environment, diminishes the unexpected outside influence and embraces the effort, energy and time it takes to make it all happen, is a woman you need to pay attention to.

She walks carefree into a room of friends or strangers – it makes no difference - and gets immediate attention. She is totally aware of the energy she brings with her and the raised eyebrows of curiosity.

The influential woman inspires more than comment. She inspires action; action that produces results. This woman has courage that shines through darkness. She has the confidence to believe in her power.

The influential woman never sacrifices her integrity to bring about change. She always finds a way to stir people in her world. Her simple presence causes commotion - the good kind - but she’s comfortable with the uneasy kind, too.

This woman knows that people are creatures of emotion, not logic. She understands the role of logic and reason, but thrives on emotion. Emotion is the glue that allows her to have impact, to get noticed and to build a following.

The influential woman knows it’s all about the relationship. The relationship she has with herself is of utmost importance. Her experience and know-how is vested in her strong ability to form lasting, committed relationships. She shares her story, which is one that resonates deeply with others.

This woman keeps her eye on the ball. She focuses her power on making a difference that benefits not only her but also other women (and men) in her sphere. She asks tough questions and is not afraid of the answers. The influential woman creates comfort where people trust and like her. She doesn’t stop when she meets a wall. She continues forward finding another way. Persistence is her middle name.

The influential woman gets the value of gratitude. She honors honesty, respect and the willingness to return a kindness and be gracious for time spent. Her persona exists without mask or disguise. It shows the road to her inner most desires, perpetuating the truth of what makes her glow.

The most important facet of the influential woman is her capacity to love. She loves herself. She’s not afraid to make herself a priority. She is secure in knowing how this translates into being confident, committed and courageous in reaching out, bringing about needed change and engaging everyone in her world.

[This is only one of the many powerful articles in this week's Influence It! Real Power for Women free ezine. To enjoy the full issue, jam packed with insightful information on strategies to enhance your personal and professional life to achieve ultimate success, you must be a subscriber. Sign up for your own free subscription NOW by clicking here!]

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Fire Up Your Influence

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When it comes to influence, women have it made – ONLY when we focus on what’s going on inside ourselves. For so long men have taught us that influence is something external from us. Something that we do to another person to get an automatic response – not always one you wanted.

But that couldn’t be further from the truth … especially for women. When it comes to influence, women understand it differently. We prefer being influential to influencing. Yes, there is a difference … an important difference.

Being influential is a higher order of influence.

But the problem women run into is they have not discovered or claimed their real capacity to be influential. We’re so busy. But we need to take time to look beyond what we see.

Influence is like a switch. You can turn it on and off when you desire.

Being influential can’t work on a switch. Either you are or you aren’t. And once you’re influential then you always will be. These are my 14 points of influence for the woman who is ready to look beyond.

Influence Point #1: Make yourself the priority

Influence Point #2: Let the voice in your heart talk to the voice in your head

Influence Point #3: Resist temptation – it isn’t always opportunity

Influence Point #4: Looking outside yourself is where you find the dream. Looking inside yourself creates an awakening.

Influence Point #5: Great influencers never quit - they just find another way.

Influence Point #6: You are capable, competent, creative, and caring. Prove it.

Influence Point #7: What you think and believe will affect the way you behave and perform.

Influence Point #8: Perfection is not the end result.

Influence Point #9: Let someone else do the influencing for you.

Influence Point #10: Become the master of observation and storage. Observe everything and store it for instant recall.

Influence Point #11: Find the purpose beyond yourself. You’ll reach the moon!

Influence Point #12: Risk and influence go hand in hand. Use both to measure the other.

Influence Point #13: Focus and concentration are the keys to Influence’s door.

Influence Point #14: The smarter you grow, the stronger your voice.

Step back. Stop what you’re doing. Breathe. Study these 14 Points of Influence. Make a list how each one of them serves you. Where are you needing more help? What questions do you have? How can you use each one of them? These are the questions millions of women are asking. Don’t stop until you get the answers.

P.S. Don’t miss the complementary webinar I am doing next week! There’s still time for you to register here: Influence Know How: 5 “Use-Now” Techniques to Ignite Your Influence on November 8 at 2 pm Eastern. After you have digested these 14 Points of influence and want more or find you need a little help, then don’t miss this webinar. I am here to serve you on your path to becoming an influential woman.

Sign-up today here, and get ready for some amazing “a-ha” moments. Don’t forget! If you can't attend live, please register anyway to get the REPLAY! See you there!

It’s important to be aware of your comfort or discomfort with persuasion.

Find out how fear plays a role in your influencing or persuasive behavior.

Here’s a quick self-exam. Yes, ladies, just as we do an external exam, it is equally important to do an internal exam. Read these statements. Be as honest as you can (nobody will see your answers – only you!) Please answer Yes or No to the following:

1. I second guess myself more than 2 times every day.
2. When ordering a meal at a café, I hesitate because of what others will say.
3. I feel totally confident in all my decisions to influence someone.
4. I listen to and act on others' attempts to influence me.
5. I always consider how my actions will affect others.
6. I am usually the first person to answer yes to requests.
7. I tend to disregard or question my ideas.
8. I research thoroughly any risks or changes I make.
9. There is someone in my life I constantly try to please.
10. I tend to avoid uncertain or uncomfortable situations.

If you answered yes to more than three statements – don’t worry. There’s a simple recipe I use to get over my fear, especially a fear that exists in my unconscious.

Go through the fear. It sounds silly, but it’s necessary. Anticipation is the most painful part of dealing with fear; it brings us to a halt when we are afraid. When we see what happens as we push the boundaries, the fear gets worse. The best way to squash this fear is to let the part of us that keeps it alive die. Not literally. Seriously, women need to get rid of what is standing in our way – the part that tricks us into believing we cannot survive without buying into this fear.

So, what does Dale Carnegie say about influence?

Mr. Carnegie pays great respect to people who understand and practice the art of dealing with people. He praises people who understand and practice the art of dealing with themselves (i.e., their fear). You see, Dale Carnegie was a great believer in the power of influence and persuasion, not only in using it with others but also with ourselves.

In his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Mr. Carnegie talks about "The Secret of Socrates." It is the idea that when you talk with people, don’t start with what you differ on. Rather begin with what you agree on. Continue the conversation with all the things you agree on. This is about the psychology of encouraging the other person to get in the habit of agreeing with you.

This applies to the internal conversation you have with yourself. When you find circumstances where your intuition speaks to you, wanting you to influence or persuade the situation and at the same time your voice of uncertainty wakes up, remember what Mr. Carnegie said. Get the other person (i.e., your voice of uncertainty) to agree. Take the necessary steps to be skillful at getting a high number of "Yes" responses from your voice of uncertainty (fear).

Don’t provoke your voice of uncertainty; acknowledge it. Start at a point where your intuition and voice of uncertainty can both agree. Then move this voice into agreement with your intuition. Tell your voice all the reasons for and benefits of agreeing with your intuition.

Dale Carnegie was instrumental in showing people how to influence, but it was an outward influence. Now, it is up to us to use these techniques as an inward influence.

[This is only one of the many powerful articles in this week's Influence It! Real Power for Women free ezine. To enjoy the full issue, jam packed with insightful information on strategies to enhance your personal and professional life to achieve ultimate success, you must be a subscriber. Sign up for your own free subscription NOW by clicking here!]