Irrational Joy

Even though my postings are becoming sparser, let me be clear it is not a sign of me losing commitment to this journey. It is just that I am in a transitory phase of the journey, like when the baby is beginning to drop and head into the birth canal (if that is even how it goes; I don’t have children yet).

My days at work are numbered. It is official. I am leaping as of July 6, but technically, July 2 will be my last day in the office, due to the office being closed in observance of the fourth of July holiday. With this being said, there are a number of tasks I need to complete and projects I need to wrap up before I leave. I need to get a whole issue of the magazine I am in charge of done. My days are busier with this end date in sight.

It is also official that I will be leaping without a place to land, unless something drastic happens within the next 6 weeks. The Communications Manager position I had interviewed for a few weeks back decided for me that it wasn’t the direction I should take. However, I was on the university’s HR web site yesterday to inform myself on benefit information and decided to pop on over to the “Jobs” section. I don’t why I continue to do this to myself.

Well, I saw a posting for a job that would have been PERFECT for me just a few months ago. It is the ideal “office” job for me at this university, if there is such thing as an ideal office job. It is actually in alignment with my passion for one of the university’s major initiatives, and a follow-up position to one of the many meetings I had on campus. I even meet the qualification guidelines. Who knows if I’d even get an interview, but if this was the past, I would have submitted my resume within hours after discovering the posting. Yet, it is the present, and I am so close to passing on it. So close.

Actually, let me go read the posting again right now and see how I feel. It’s a new day. I’ll be right back…

OK, I’m back, and still conflicted. My feelings haven’t changed. On paper, it’s perfect – working in the public arts field with 80+ colleges, organizing regional meetings and a national conference, writing/editing publications and papers, working on grants, and most importantly, teaching a course on the initiative with the director. Wow. Could it look any better? Oh, yes, it would definitely be more money too.

Why the hesitation on my end? Why not at least apply? After months of meeting with various people and departments on campus, introducing myself and inquiring about a position such as this, why suddenly the change of heart? One of my meetings was actually with the director of this position.

Because it is still an office job … someone else’s office. The structure of my days would remain the same. There may be some flexibility that I am not aware of, but it is listed as standard university hours. I would still not be addressing the fact that I do have my own business to run, which calls me during the night hours, wondering why I don’t give it my all.

Sometime, over the past few weeks, a shift occurred within me. It was triggered by the contemplation of the Communications Manager job. As I daydreamed about taking the position, I couldn’t help but to wonder why I keep utilizing my skills for other companies and initiatives while I put my own company and initiatives on the back burner. I continued to ask myself, why do I resist working for my own company, full-time, giving it 110%?

I received an answer. It’s not just my company. It is also my husband’s and the “working together” has been and currently is my main source of resistance.

It’s not fun.

You see, it has always been his dream. I was merely the student, the administrator, the communicator, the secretary. And, within these roles, I found myself feeling resentful towards him. Not to mention I also felt unbelievably burdened because my lifestyle became daytime = job; nighttime = job; marriage = business.

I have a whole bucket of messy feelings I’ve been using to paint my experience with the dance business. My real “Aha” moment came last week when I was on vacation. I was weeding out my garden, getting it ready for planting, and I began to settle into the feeling of managing my own time. Ah. With this feeling, my spirit instantly aligned with the dance business and I began to feel joy. This is when the answer to my question arrived … I guess I wasn’t only weeding the garden.

As life would have it, later in the week my husband and I got into an argument at the studio. He was upset about something and was not fully informed on how I had handled the situation, so he jumped to conclusions and lashed out at me. I, in return, picked up my bag from under the front desk, and walked out. I refused to be spoken to in such a manner. I would never tolerate that from a boss at a day job, so there was no way I was going to tolerate it from him and he’s not my boss. Can you sense my attitude?

Later that evening he apologized and we entered a long discussion about our challenges in working together. There was no official resolution at the end of our conversation, but it was the first time I verbally expressed to him the root of my resistance, pulling on the day’s conflict as a perfect example of why I feel the way I feel. He listened, although it wasn’t easy for him to hear. I have never been so honest with him and myself before.

Getting back to this amazing job posting, as much as I believe it could be so right, working within the world of arts and academia, earning a larger salary, publishing papers and teaching a class – oh my! – I still can’t deny how wrong it feels. What feels right is the phone call I just received, asking if I could do a movement class with parents and their children and a dialogue session about mind/body connection. This, within less than minute, I said, “Yes! I can do that!”

Movement. I need movement…

I do have until May 10th to apply. We’ll see what happens over the next few days.

‘Til then … Aloha.

NOTE: The literal meaning of aloha is “the presence of breath” or “the breath of life.” It comes from “Alo,” meaning presence, front and face, and “ha,” meaning breath. Aloha is a way of living and treating each other with love and respect. Its deep meaning starts by teaching ourselves to love our own beings first and afterwards to spread the love to others.

Quote of the day: “Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” —Marcus Aurelius; roman emporer

It’s basically a waiting game right now. There is an unknown variable floating around the decision pool and until I have confirmation, I am patiently treading water. Although, my arms will become quite tired if I wait too long.

I had the job interview I mentioned a few postings ago. It’s a very flexible part-time job, work from home, with benefits AND I’d be making only slightly less money than I am now working half the amount of time, without being tied to an office. It’s a communications position for a company I really, really love and support. This all kind of sounds too good to be true, right? How could I even question such an opportunity?

I am … Well, in truth, they haven’t offered it to me, so I don’t see any point in contemplating the position. If they offer it to me, well, then I’ll get focused. This is the variable I am speaking of.

My spirit feels a little absent these days. I’ve been giving more energy to the practical applications in life that I’ve been slightly disconnected from my source. This is never a “good” thing. I say this not in judgment, but in honest acknowledgment of my awareness. Any time I coast along, falling astray from my center, I always seem to end up in a puddle somewhere, usually made up of my own tears.

To step back from the madness of this week, over the weekend I enjoyed another Columbia Girls retreat. There were seven of us in attendance. As usual, we indulged ourselves in much-needed girl time. The wine doesn’t pour in quantities it once did not so long ago, which can be attributed to the many new additions of little fingers and toes into our circle. Whether one’s breast feeding or simply needing to remain somewhat astute in case a situation arises that requires parental alertness, the wine intake has reduced itself to modest quantities. However, those of us who remain kid-less tend to err on the side of larger quantities, and we carry no shame in doing so.

The content of our conversations are also changing. I believe we tallied close to 15 or so moments when we were discussing poop … children’s poop. This is definitely something we never used to talk about, but is obviously a testament to the direction many of our lives have taken.

We still gab about the good ‘ole days, reflecting on the all-time classic stories from the past. But what interested me most this past weekend was our conversations about our own personal “issue.” It all started with my friend Joy …

Dearest Joy has two beautiful, healthy young children. She is not only one of the most “mothering” out of all of us, she is also one of the most book-smart. Joy is a physical therapist by trade and graduated with honors. We have always been impressed by her smarts.

She was driving her car with Noelle, me and her baby Sam in tow. After an hour or so into the road trip, Joy bursts out into a monologue about her “issue.”

NOTE: We kept the issue talk singular for the weekend, so we didn’t become too overwhelmed with our imperfections.

Anyways, she proceeded to tell us how she has an inability to finish things, or give it her all, and reach her full potential in anything that she does. She broke this issue down into small tasks, such as unpacking. Joy never completely finishes unpacking. Or, leaving a dribble of juice left in the carton. She just doesn’t finish it. Then, she discussed how this issue affects her in larger aspects, such as in college. Joy put in enough effort to achieve good grades by society’s standards, but she didn’t give it her all.

All this insight made clear to her that her pattern of not finishing things or giving them her all protects her from failing because she can always say, “Well, I didn’t really give it my best.”

Noelle and I (and Sam who was sleeping in her car seat) were caught a bit off guard with her self-analysis, but were happy to engage. Later, when we were all together in Wendi’s house, we recapped our road trip and circled back to Joy’s disclosure. It didn’t take long for all us to begin discussing our “issue.” In fact, we helped to diagnose each other’s.

Whether we’re discussing children’s poop, old drunken stories, or our issues in life, we are destined to have fun, laugh and be joyful. After gathering like this, post-college, for 11 years now, we’ve become accustomed to the “high” of the weekend and the “low” of the going home and getting back into the swing of things. Yet, it is always, I mean always, an adjustment when Monday morning arrives and the girls are gone.

It is as if our web, our safety net, has been taken away from us once again, and we must once again re-enter the world on our own.

Quote of the day: "At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent.” —Barbara Bush; Wife Of The 41st President Of The United States

A major milestone has been achieved today.

I told my boss I was leaping.

Even though I am still about 6 weeks out from my projected departure date, there have been significant rumblings in our department about not filling vacant positions. With this news, I felt it was only appropriate to inform my boss, so she could prepare accordingly.

I sat down in one of the two chairs placed across from her desk at 8 a.m. this morning. She was out of town yesterday, so I inquired about her travels and we laughed over a few adventures she had. After the laughter subsided, I didn’t waste any more time getting to the reason why I called the meeting. I got right to the point and told her I needed to resign at the end of May.

“What!” she said in a shocked, yet non-attacking tone.

“I know, I know,” I said. “I’m so, so sorry.”

I began to shake.

She quickly dismissed my apologies as unnecessary and immediately inquired about what I’ve been thinking and feeling. She held a comfortable, non-threatening space that allowed me to divulge many of the confusions I have in my head about my career. She sat in her chair with her forearms crossed comfortably on her desk, allowing me to explain how I’ve been merely surviving … going through the motions … doing what I need to do … without knowing where I actually am in all of it.

She listened.

After I disclosed all I had been keeping from her, she invited me to relax, helping me to end the shakiness. She then began to disclose her own personal feelings of thinking about a change in career. She did this to validate my feelings, not to make the conversation about her. It was really gentle and comforting.

Then, the conversation shifted where she began to brainstorm other options for me regarding my departure date and/or a possible change in my current work schedule to keep me on staff. They are all good options and something for me to consider. She asked I spend some time weighing them, knowing that I may stay firm with the original timeline, which is OK.

As the conversation came to a close, she stood up from her desk, walked out from behind it, and gave me a big, huge hug.

I have never been more relieved in my life.

Thank you, Dearest God, Greatest Spirit, Creator of All, for blessing me with such peaceful and supportive exchange. May today’s summit be the beginning of an ever greater journey into the unknown.

Quote of the day: “When we talk about understanding, surely it takes place only when the mind listens completely -- the mind being your heart, your nerves, your ears- when you give your whole attention to it.” —Jiddu Krishnamurti; writer, speaker

Yesterday was a whirlwind. I didn’t even have a minute to blog. From the time I left the house in the morning until I returned in the evening around 9 p.m., it was just non-stop. The studio needs this week have been greater than usual, as well as the need for me to attend community meetings in the evenings. Plus, I’ve begun to inquire about “affordable” insurance plans for my husband and me to purchase since we’ll be losing our insurance coverage once I make the leap.

I quote the word affordable because it is absolutely ridiculous how these companies state that in their literature. It’s such a joke. Either the deductibles are insane or the monthly payments are exorbitant. You’re screwed either way, whether you have insurance or you don’t.

For example, I just found out this week that the mouth impression I am supposed to get made for me to wear during the night while I am sleeping to help with my TMJ is not going to be covered by the dental insurance that I do have now through the university, which is pretty good insurance. I even pay for the more “comprehensive” dental package. Get this: they told me that they would pay for 50% of the actual mouth piece, but would not pay for the x-rays and other tests required for my dentist to figure out how to create the mouth piece, which will cost me over $300. The mouth piece can run around $1000, so that will cost me $500. I pay around $80 month. So, for the year, I’ve paid them about $960. With the insurance coverage, I have to still pay an extra $800, so my total insurance and out-of-pocket costs are now $1760. If I didn’t have insurance, my total costs would be $1300. Hmm...

Neither is really affordable and none of it makes sense.

I also love how the meaning of the word affordable changes when a profitable company uses it. It is all relative. Try to have a low-income family use the word affordable when putting together rates for a plan and you'd see a drastic decrease in what would be considered affordable.

Enough of the rambling…the point is everything is getting all too real and clear these days about me leaping. In yesterday’s staff meeting at work, I realized I need to inform my boss sooner than I anticipated. That stressed me out, but it is the reality and needs to happen. I plan on speaking with her next week. I am petrified. I just care about her and feel bad about leaving her with the hassle of filling a position, if the administration even allows her to fill it. This is why I need to tell her sooner than later. For her to be prepared.

My mother also brought to my attention a very, very important detail that I had overlooked about the leap.

NOTE: I hadn't disclosed any of my intentions about leaping to my mother because it would merely stress her out, and frankly, stress me out. I love her dearly, but having faith in finding and creating purposeful work for oneself isn’t really her strong suit.

The only reason why I disclosed this information to her was because she started questioning me on the dog commitment, noting that I am never home, which is a valid argument. But, I will be more, soon, and I could not tell her that piece of information because it changes everything. Thankfully, she didn’t harbor on it when I asked her to not be concerned because I am working on finding a solution.

Although yesterday, she brought up a very good point, which is why we probably should always tell our mothers the truth in what’s going on for us. They tend to think of details we may overlook. In August, our car lease is up and we’ll need to sign a new one. Since we are a one-car family, this car is important. My mom enlightened me to the fact that we better turn in the car early and sign a new lease BEFORE I leap or else we won’t be able to get the loan.

Very, very good point. Thank God for moms.

Even with all these LATs (Life Administrative Tasks) coming to the forefront this week, I’m still feeling confident, hopeful and joyful for the choices I am making. Even though they say, “The devil is in the details,” I feel like the devil is actually in me doing nothing about the current state of my life. Action is key, even if it comes with the headache of deductibles, co-pays and cars loans.

“Thoughts lead on to purposes; purposes go forth in action; actions form habits; habits decide character; and character fixes our destiny.” —Tyron Edwards; theologian

A few weeks ago I blogged that I applied for a job I saw advertised in the Sunday classifieds and that I wasn’t sure what got into me. Anyways, I was contacted for an interview. I am very appreciative of the opportunity to learn more about the position and I look forward to connecting with the people during the interview. However, I am actually witnessing myself changing as a result of this journey I began three months ago and it’s pretty cool.

Side note: The journey didn’t really start in January. It started lifetimes ago, but you know what I mean.

The sort of changes I am referring to are my reactions. Although I am excited to learn more about this opportunity, I don’t feel desperate to take it, out of control or needy, even though I know I will be jobless (on purpose) in just over a month. I actually feel this sense of ease and confidence, not fear of the unknown. To be honest, I feel more of a sense of relief! And I don’t feel an intense level of pressure to know right now. All that I do know is I need to take some time to retreat, reflect and rejuvenate before I can know.

It’s as if I am becoming grounded in a completely new way … in a way that I have dreamt of, hoped for and wished to be true for this stage of my life.

First, with the major leap in my career life into the abyss and now with the major leap to become a dog owner in my personal life, I am at the beginning stages of living in alignment with my deepest desires.

This is cool. Very cool.

On the downside, as I become less stressed about the job situation, I see my husband becoming more. My heart aches for him. I know he feels a greater burden and my hope isn’t for this to be so. I would never wish for my joy to create more pain for him.

How the intertwining of lives creates this ebb and flow…ying and yang…

So it is.

Quote of the day: “The vision that you glorify in your mind, the ideal that you enthrone in your heart - this you will build your life by, and this you will become.” —James Allen; philosophical writer, poet

There were significant chapters opened and closed from Friday until today. I feel like a lot has happened in such a short amount of time, but life always seems to roll like that.

Last Friday, our second family pet had to be put to sleep. He was technically my mom’s cat, but we all just loved him so much. She adopted him when he was a kitty and all of us kids were either in college or newly out of college. He was adorable and one of the most friendly, loving cats I’ve ever met. He acted similarly to a dog where he would come when you would call his name and jump up on your lap to be petted. He also weighed about 25 pounds, so he was one big cat!

His legal name was Dublin, but we all called him “Big Kitty.” It seemed to fit him.

After 14 or so years, he became ill and was ready to pass. Thankfully my brother was home and able to go with my mom to the vet’s to help with the transition. I felt so bad for my mom and brother. Both of them felt the heaviest load of grief.

So on Friday evening, after all was said and done, I spent the night at my mom’s, sitting around talking about Big Kitty and how much we’ll miss him. She was tempted to go right out and get another cat that day, but she didn’t. Although my father truly loved Big Kitty, he’s ready for their house to be animal-free, especially since he’ll be retiring by the end of next year. My mom understands this thought process with her head, but her heart yearns for another pet to love and care for.

Stepping aside from this topic for a moment, which we’ll get back to, one of my favorite breeds of dog are Pugs. I just love their personalities. I had the privilege to live with one in my early twenties that was my roommate’s dog. His name was Sammy. Oh, how I loved Sammy. He was a wonderful friend.

Anyways, I have never owned my own dog. We had a dog growing up, but of course my mom mostly took care of him. I have never been solely responsible for a dog. I have never been the “mom,” but I knew I always wanted to be a dog owner, though I just didn’t know when that would be. I loved dogs too much to just get one when I my lifestyle wasn’t appropriate for one. So, I’ve been waiting. Waiting for the right time to commit. Waiting for me to be settled enough. Waiting, for now.

More than a year ago, I sent in an application to the Pug Rescue Society of CNY. I began to feel the time was coming. Months passed and I didn’t hear anything from them about available pugs, so I just thought the timing must not be right. Then, Monday of last week, I got the urge to check their web site to see if they had any to adopt, and much to my surprise, there were a few new arrivals displayed right on the home page! I immediately called and asked if I could come and meet the dogs. She said, “Of course!”

I kept this news to myself. My husband isn’t the biggest fan of the breed, so I’ve always known that if I was really serious about getting a pug, it would take me convincing him. Or, begging him.

Last week was a difficult week, as my postings displayed, so I merely trucked along with each day, until Friday. Friday I felt a little better until the news of Big Kitty’s passing. Suddenly, the timing seemed right. On Sunday I went with my friend Jill to visit the dogs. Out of the three that they had for adoption, only one is the dog for me. He is perfect. His name is Charlie.

And just like that, I went home, bore my soul to my husband, pleading for his approval, and he thankfully obliged.

Because of some logistical reasons, I won’t be bringing him home until Friday, April 23. I have the next two weeks to get the house all ready for him. I’m so excited.

Last night I smiled myself to sleep, really. And it was the first time in as long as I can remember that I couldn’t wait for the morning to come because tonight we are going to visit again.

All for the love of an animal who I’ve yet to know.

It feels so good.

Quote of the day: “At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent.” —Barbara Bush; Wife Of The 41st President Of The United States

Today I have been creating my first “writing/editing” resume and have been putting together some samples for a meeting I have tomorrow. I finally have a finely tuned Communications resume, but it’s too generic for a writing job. Anyways, tomorrow I am connecting with the editor of a campus publication, which I love and have always admired, to introduce myself and my work for potential freelance opportunities with this publication. They work with freelancers on a limited basis, but I would fully embrace their limitations .

As I’ve been sifting through my writing samples, it has been healing to read some of my past work. I used to write a column titled, “Living Well,” in a newsletter, which ran four hard-copy issues before it went electronic. I spent some time this morning looking over the columns and it was fascinating to read my words on “wellness of Self” back at me. Because of the deflated state I’ve been in, it almost felt like I was reading the words of a stranger…a livelier, more balanced and spiritually fulfilled person than I. But yet, it was me who had written those uplifting and honest words. The best of me.

Thankfully, the feeling of a stranger lasted only for a moment, and with much grace and ease I began to feel my Self again as the voice of my written word gave breath to a sleeping beauty. She has yet to fully awaken, but at least I can feel her beginning to show signs of life. It’s a slow process, always, transitioning from the fatigue. As with hiking, which I love, you don’t just suddenly get to the peak. It requires multiple steps and tremendous patience and perseverance.

Today, I have made it not only to the trailhead, but past it. I have begun the ascent, though I have a feeling I will be resting in a lean-to fairly soon. I don’t want to get too ahead of myself where I burn out on the rock face, fall and hurt myself.

Little by little.

Thanks for all your love from yesterday’s exposure. It's amazing how disclosing my emotions always helps me to move forward. Last night I managed to put away two baskets of laundry, the dishes in the dish rack and follow up on six items on my dance centre to-do list. That was an accomplishment for me, but not as significant of an accomplishment as me being honest with how I feel, free from shame and the judgment of others.

Quote of the day: “Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.” —John Muir; naturalist, author

I was telling my friend Linda yesterday that I had attempted to craft my daily blog entry, but I just couldn’t do it. I had nothing…zip, zilch, nada. Well, nothing positive. I felt a slight recovery from Monday’s holiday hangover, but not enough to get me going. My energy has been so low and I feel so fatigued that I couldn’t even begin to put a sentence together.

So last night, after teaching my dance and drum classes, which made me feel spectacular, I began to ask myself why it is all well and good to blog when I am feeling hopeful and positive, but not when I am sad, angry, fatigued and depressed? If the whole purpose of this experiment is to document the process of following one’s faith and destiny, then wouldn’t it make sense to include ALL of the journey, not just the feel-good stretches?

Over the past few months of blogging I have included some low moments, so it wouldn’t seem out of the ordinary for me to do so. But this feeling is different. I’ve been wanting to escape…to softly and silently drift away…to disappear.

When you feel like disappearing, the last thing you want to do is give voice to it. That would actually be the antithesis of disappearing for me because giving voice to my feeling helps me to be present. When I want to disappear, I’m looking to avoid the present.

My short-lived life has taught me that “this too shall pass.” That what I really need to do is rest and retreat, spiritually, but who am I to need rest. I’m not fighting a war, or raising children, or saving lives. So, again, who am I to need rest?

I can berate myself all I want, but it won’t help. I don’t feel any closer to pulling myself up by my boot straps merely because I’ve attempted to shame myself into doing so. In fact, it makes me feel even more like a loser.

Where are the people who simply struggle with the tasks of everyday life? Where are the people who just can’t put the clothes they wear that day away, or the basket of clean laundry in their rightful place, or the dishes in the dish drain in the cupboard, or the piles of random papers and mail on their dining room table where they should be, or the 10,000 pairs of shoes in front of the front door in their respective closets? Am I the only one? Am I the only one who cannot stay on top of her life administrative tasks?

They never end these tasks. You wash the dishes from dinner only to find them dirty again the next day. You hang up your pile of clothes only to remove them and be burdened once again with their placement. They never, ever, end.

Depressed? Yes. Does it hurt? Yes. I hate those “Cymbalta” depression commercials on TV because they make me feel bad just watching them. If you’ve ever struggled with depression, you know how bad it sucks. And, medication sometimes is and isn’t the best solution. I know for me, it’s not.

I haven’t even touched on the shame, guilt and anxiety I am feeling about all the work that needs to be done for our dance studio that I can’t even begin to do. I feel like it’s slipping away from me and that’s scaring me.

I have in fact already disappeared. I am here in body, but not in spirit. I am off floating around somewhere in the ether. If anyone who reads this is a viewer of the TV show “LOST,” I have left the alternate reality and am dangling in the timeline on the island.

I’ll leave it at that.

Quote of the day: “Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls.” —Melody Beattie; author, journalist

I applied for a job today. I don’t know what got into me.

When I read the Sunday newspaper I always glance at the Classifieds. Most of the time I’m not actually looking for job, though I always feel like “you never know!” So, on Sunday, when I was doing my usual glancing, a posting caught my eye. Words like communications, manager, part-time, flexible schedule and benefits pulled me in, not to mention the name of the company. I know the company. I’ve worked for the company. I’m actually a huge fan of the company. So, I thought to myself, “Why not?”

Do I want this job? I don’t know, but I don’t have to know to apply.

So I did. I sent in all my stuff this morning. I should know by the end of next week if I’ll be called in for an interview. Hmmm.

Getting up in the morning is getting harder and harder. I’m sleeping later and later. My husband and I were both laughing at me this morning because I am waking up so late now for work that I literally am giving myself less than 30 minutes to shower, get ready and BE at work. Poor guy. He doesn't know if he should wake me for fear that I won't ever get up, or if he should just let me be in this space of awfully late wake-ups. You’d think I was still in college, sleeping until the very last minute possible before class starts. I was laughing at myself because it’s actually pretty terrible. I say that with love.

I know it is just a matter of weeks before I make the leap. Time is passing and the countdown has begun. I find it odd how I am feeling less anxious today about the leap than I was back in February. As I get closer, I feel more relieved, not fearful. I still don’t have any concrete plans to earn income, but that’s part of the journey…the project. It will work itself out. Until it doesn’t.

Quote of the day: “Hold fast to dreams. For if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.” —James Langston Hughes; poet, novelist

It has been a week since my last post. This isn’t neglect, but a reflection of what my schedule has been like since then. I was immersed in March Madness on every level. We hosted the “Sweet Sixteen” and “Elite Eight” games, which is a huge undertaking. The amount of paid staff, volunteer staff, media members, coordination, and communication that’s required to pull off such an event is tremendous. Even though our office had been preparing for months for this event, our official duties began Tuesday evening and concluded on Saturday evening, which technically led into the early hours on Sunday.

It was a lot of fun. I’ve always been a fan of changing routine and scenery, both of which I was able to do last week. My hours were different, my surroundings were different and my responsibilities were different. Even though we all worked around the clock, I felt like the last four days were a vacation—a retreat from the monotony of everyday life. It was fantastic.

I love change. I love spontaneity. I love being up and about, moving all day. I love all of this because I don’t have any of it during my current workday. It’s obviously out of balance.

I learned so much about myself this week. There were some promising moments of reflection. I witnessed an energy in me come to life. It was my sport energy—my athlete self. Sure, I work in athletics every day, but this was different. I was fully immersed in the event. I wasn’t going to the dance studio at night, living between two worlds and selves. I was working in a sporting arena for hours on end, surrounded by thousands of sport folks. There was no energy in me coming to life beyond the athlete. She took over.

It was interesting. I had a lot of fun. I keep repeating that statement, which I believe is significant. Life as I knew it before the mid-college, identity crisis years was all about fun … the fun of sports. I lived and breathed sports. My complete identity was tied up in whatever sport I was playing. There was no separation. Life was the game and the game was life. This experience was all fine and good until life changed and sports changed, and it wasn’t good anymore.

I’ve been lost ever since.

As I write the statement above, I do not believe it literally. What I believe is that I haven’t had an identity since then, and that is what has been lost, but I’m not saying that I need one. It was comfortable living in the box of an athlete, until I wasn’t anymore and I was forced to wake up to life. Sports allowed me to nurture and release aggression, strength, competition, drive, focus and determination. It gave me purpose and became a channel for my passions.

Being involved in the event this week I felt like a teenager again—my old self. My disposition changed. I acted more aggressively, became fully vested in competition, was enamored by athletes, and wanted to hang out and party. It was like high school again.

And then I would go home, into my house where everything feels very different than that…where I feel very different than that.

Initially, back in the mid-college years, the loss of my identity created such panic, pain, confusion and despair that the only way out of the dark was for me to ask questions about the light. If I hadn’t asked, I would have been swallowed whole and physically gone forever.

Since then, my interests, passions, and expressions have changed and evolved. I began to nurture more of my feminine aspects and energies, which ties in my connection to dancing, drumming, writing, hiking, yoga, traveling, meditation, etc. In hopes to find some sense of self and purpose, I began to ask myself deeper questions about life, spirit and God. With these questions, answers, thoughts and prayers, combined with new interests, I am here, today, as is.

Taking another step back, two and a half years ago I was working for an incredible organization that promotes health, beauty and wellness. I loved the organization with all my heart, and still do today, but my intuition told me it was time to move on for various reasons. Within days of these feelings, I was offered the position I have today. A job in athletics…a position in the field I studied in college.

This was significant because I had never worked a day in this field of study—a decision I made when I was the 18-year-old student-athlete, pre identity crisis. So, I felt it was poetic justice for me to have been offered the position. My life had come full circle and I was incredibly curious to see if I would enjoy a career field that once spoke directly to me.

Within a few months, I knew it was not the path for me. I could vaguely see how it once was, but now, after this past week, I can clearly see how it would have been a perfect fit for the old Jill. I say that with respect for who I was then and who I am now.

People do change, if they want to. Not the core of them, but the layers to the core can change. They can be peeled away. I wanted to change. I needed to change. I needed change like a lost traveler in the desert needs water. I was desperate for it…for more understanding, depth and purpose. With this change came a change in me.

Today, the profession, the field, it doesn’t fit my lifestyle. It doesn’t fit me. It invokes part of myself that I enjoy, roughly 10%, but that’s not enough when another 90% of me wants to come to life and doesn’t have room. You can’t just put the layers back on once they have been peeled. You can try, but you suffer even more.

And that’s what I realized this week…Again, I enjoyed the immersion in the sport world this weekend. It was fun to bring to life an old self, but the fun came from it being temporary. I realized it also felt so good because it reminded me how “solid” my life once felt when I had an identity. When someone could ask me what I wanted to do/be and I could say “work in sports.” I used to feel so sure about everything back then. I used to feel so confident in who I was.

Until I wasn’t anymore.

Until what created my identity was no longer; and therefore, I was no longer. And the real suffering began.

Today, my identity, is solely internal. I’m not anything. I’m of everything.

Quote of the day: “Friendship, love, health, energy, enthusiasm, and joy are the things that make life worth living and exploring.” —Denise Austin; fitness instructor, columnist

The author of today’s quote seems fitting for the March Madness craze that has literally struck the office of my “day job." This week we are one of four sites hosting the Sweet Sixteen and Elite Eight games. So, needless to say, there is a lot of hustle and bustle in the office, not to mention very stressed individuals. I’ve never worked a regional game, so I don’t feel stressed, but everyone around me has and is starting to steam.

There’s not much downtime today in the office, which I prefer, though I wanted to give voice to my Self who patiently awaits her turn to express all that she witnesses. As my fingers grab moments to type in between phone calls, I’m inclined to write about the importance of BEING and the delicate balance of BEING and DOING. I spent some time this weekend reviewing some passages in “The New Earth,” and I appreciated Eckhart’s explanation of WHO we really are. He describes the truth of us as our essence and everything else as just our ego. That is who we are according to his teachings.

Hmmm. I get that.

So as I sat still this weekend, allowing myself to feel from the inside out, to lose myself in the feeling, the essence, I found great rest. It was incredibly calming.

However, when I opened my eyes and stepped back into this world, I felt more lost in it than before. I could hear my to-do list calling me, but it felt so difficult to shift gears and begin the doing. I understand intellectually the truth in being still while doing, but my body doesn't understand it yet. Or, maybe not my body. I don’t know. All I do know is there’s still a disconnect because there is no ease in the transition. It’s still a major struggle to be in the sweet spot of being and doing.

It seems like when you’re so involved in the doing and doing and doing, it’s easier to get things done. But when you take a moment to be, it feels more difficult to do.

I don’t know. I just don’t see yet where they meet. How the worlds comes together. I yearn for them to. That is my greatest wish…my deepest desire…to live in the sweet spot.

Quote of the day: “Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” —John R. Wooden; retired basketball coach, author

Today feels good. The sun is out once again. The sky shines blue. And I feel myself floating beneath the noise, drama, worry and concern.

A freelance writing and editing tip within the university has come my way. Hmm, not sure if anything will pan out, but still floating.

This time last year I took a retreat to Kauai to rest and reconnect all parts of me—mind, body and spirit. The bright sun, along with the time of year, has brought back memories of the island. Today, when I was out walking on my lunch break, flashes of Hanalei Bay dashed across my inner eye. My body instantly began to remember what it felt like to pull into the town of Hanalei after being gone for seven years. It was a coming-home feeling of tremendous magnitude coupled with effortless joy and grace.

Maybe it is just because of the sun and time of year that I had such remembrances today, or maybe it is because I’m feeling more at home within myself. It is probably a combination of both, but it doesn’t really matter why.

One of the most impactful moments of self-awareness that I had on my trip last year was when I apologized over the phone to my husband for being so angry, inpatient and resentful. I kept on repeating to him, over and over, how sorry I was for my discontent playing such a destructive role in our marriage. He lovingly and patiently accepted my words of grace without giving them much energy. But that moment of clarity, when I realized I had been living as someone other than my true nature, or rather I had been attached to the “pain body” as my identity, changed everything. It brought me back to my Self. It allowed me to see the dramatic roles I had been playing in our marriage and in my life.

Now here I am, a year later, witnessing the same behaviors and feeling the same remorse. I’m thankful for the awareness, again, though I have to be honest. I’m a bit frustrated with this cycle. I can’t imagine how my husband must feel. I mean, don’t get me wrong. He’s no peach all the time, but he’s responsible for himself and I’m responsible for myself, so it serves no purpose in engaging that perspective.

I just can’t help but wonder if the cycle will ever end. Will I always end up waking up to my Self only to fall asleep again and then to wake up and then fall asleep and then wake up and then fall asleep… You get the point.

Is it possible to stay awake? How do we do it?

As soon as I wrote the above questions, immediate answers of, “Yes it is! Moment by moment, day by day, it can be done,” silently tickled my throat.

To be fair to my Self, it wasn’t a year of sleeping. I just had some naps, that’s all.

On a physical side note, since I was a kid, I’ve always loved to nap and sleep. You never had to ask me twice and it takes me about five seconds to fall asleep once my head hits the pillow. I hope this doesn’t mean I am destined to be a sleeper in spirit, as well.

Quote of the day: “Live your life fom your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls.” - Melody Beattie, author

Over the past few days I’ve picked up a book that had been sitting on my nightstand for months now, to give it another read. It’s “A New Earth,” by Eckhart Tolle. I was introduced to the works of Eckhart like many others through his first novel, “The Power of Now.” I read it around eight years ago and it had a tremendous impact on me. I am a different person because of it.

“A New Earth” also provided a shift in me and my conscious. How could it not, though I haven’t looked at the text in a few years. After reading just a few pages the other night, I am thankfully in remembrance of some powerful messages—one being the “pain body.” I am not going to get into the details of Eckhart’s teachings here and his description of the pain body, but I do want to comment on my relationship with my pain body and how it is impacting me today on this journey.

I notice I fall victim to my pain body all too often, meaning, I physically, emotionally and mentally become attached to negative states of being. I get so wrapped up in them that I believe that I’ve become them. I struggle to see me separate from the pain, stress, worry, hate, fear, drama, pressure…all of it. It doesn’t take long for me to then feel consumed by these negative states as if they are me.

The “pain body” craves the drama, the negative states. It feeds off them. It’s very seductive and powerful.

This is why I continue to feel like I’ve lost my “Self.” In truth, I’ve never been lost. The essence of me has always remained within the stillness, underneath the drama and in between thoughts. This Self is the one I am always looking for but normally mistake for the one caught up in all the noise.

Today I’ve observed me from a witness view. Again, this is part of Eckhart’s teachings. He speaks of the witness being the real you, the truth of you, the essence of you…who you are in unscripted, undefined terms. I witnessed myself getting wrapped up in a number of annoyances, frustrations, concerns and dramas. Some of which were small, others of which were large. Regardless, I was aware of it happening.

I didn’t judge or berate myself for getting pulled into the drama. I just noticed it. And I noticed how charged the drama can be.

These observances today are simply observances. I don’t expect I’ll suddenly be able to remain detached from the pain body. But through the awareness of feeling my Self as separate from the pain body, even when I was getting pulled in, I’m feeling more and more like myself, today. And with that, I recognize the beauty of the blue sky; the warmth of the sun; and the joy in the being.
It is always in the being that we can begin to do what we are destined to. Today feels like square one. Going back to the drawing board, only, there is no drawing to do. There is only being. No more appointments at the moment. No more networking to be had, today. Just being…on purpose.

Quote of the day: “People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

Where am I to go
but to turn within myself
There is no doing to be had
just being
there is where I reside

Who am I? continues to linger
for the internal alignment is precisely which can create the external fruits
no more looking without
for another dead-end chase
only within
for there is where I reside

Breathe in and out
the gap in between thoughts
where the source lies
the vitality springs
there is where I reside

Awaken to the moment, the here and now
feel it, remaining still, underneath the noise and chatter
this is who I am
the answer to my question
there is where I reside

No concepts or forms create this identity
no thoughts or words explain what is
it only is
in stillness
there is where I reside

And there lies who I am

Quote of the day: "When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world." - Eckhart Tolle, spiritual teacher, author and lecturer

I’m allowing my moment of yesterday to inhabit me today, creating a new moment, now, in the present.

Last night, I had the joy of experiencing the music, beauty and inspiration of Alicia Keys LIVE. Oh yes, my friend Jill and I attended her sold-out concert at the Turning Stone Events Center. She easily exceeded any expectations I had for the evening and I got the feeling she did so for the other 4,999 people in the audience. There wasn’t a soul in the arena who didn’t leave feeling uplifted. It wasn’t just a concert; a form of entertainment. It was also a rejuvenation; a retreat.

Jill and I originally fell in love separately with Alicia’s music, but this past summer when I went to visit her on the island of Prudence, which is off the coast of Rhode Island, where she rented a home for a few months, we deepened our love for her music together. Alicia would serenade us with her deeply soulful love ballads and songs of personal power and reflection as we drove the few miles of dirt road around the island. When we would sink ourselves into camping chairs on the grassland of the western bay, enjoying a front-row view of the day’s sunset with a beer and snack in tow, Alicia would intensify the beauty of the moment. Together, as Jill and I were falling in love with the island and its wondrous nature, we were also falling in love with our soulful selves through her music. It was a special time for both of us.

Clearly, when the news of her stopping to play on her Freedom Tour at a venue less than 30 miles from our homes dressed the headlines of our local newspaper, we knew it was a given for us to attend. All we needed was to purchase tickets, which we did the day after they went on sale.

Jill travels a lot for her job. She can be gone for weeks at a time, only to stop back home for a day or two before the next trip. Whenever she is in town, we normally arrange our schedules for some girl time. She had been gone all week on business and took the super-duper, excruciatingly early flight yesterday morning to give herself plenty of time to make the show. It’s always better to be safe than sorry with air travel. I have had a strange week of physically not feeling so great. After about 20 minutes on the road of catching up on the ins and outs of our week we officially shed our exterior layer of “work mode” and shifted into our “carefree, music-loving, free-spirited” mode.

We enjoyed a light dinner fare accompanied with a tasty beverage, or two, before we made our way to the grand event. We joined the giant mass of concert-goers heading towards the theater. It was a sea of young and old men and women of all different ethnicities. It was beautiful.

After about 30 minutes of an opening act and 20 minutes of a stage change, the lady of the night made her appearance, and boy was she worth the wait. She captivated us early with upbeat, high-energy dancey songs followed by slower, more soulful, sultry, piano-playing ballads. Throughout 90 minutes on stage she managed to play some of her biggest hits and personal favorites, while delivering a powerfully optimistic, hopeful and inspiring message to the audience which affirmed we all are able to do, be and live our hearts’ dream and desire.

Her message was beautiful and her music complemented it perfectly.

Even though this all happened last night, I am still basking in the glory of it. My thoughts are more positive. My body is more comforted. And, my soul is more alive. I am, in this moment, as relaxed and confident as I’ve ever been about who I am and my decision to leave my job in hopes to give my Self a chance to come to life.

Thanks, Alicia, for sharing your talents. And, thanks Jilly, for sharing your soulshine with me.

Quote of the day: “Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don't rent them out to tomorrow.” —Jerry Spinelli; author

If you’re a beloved Syracuse men’s basketball fan, today’s quote couldn’t have come at a better time. You see, our highly talented Orange men suffered a loss in today’s quarterfinal game against Georgetown in the BIG EAST Conference Tournament. This was the third time these two teams have met this season and Syracuse had a 2-0 advantage. Today’s loss hurts because it’s a loss to one of our greatest rivals and knocks us out of the conference tournament (even though we won the regular-season title), but more importantly, one of the starting players on our wondrous team went down with an injury. This is where the loss can become a tragedy.

A week from today Syracuse will play in its first game of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. The Orange began the season with minimal expectations from fans, media and opponents. Early on in the season, it became very clear that this team had talent, teamwork and, most of all, promise. They’ve provided promise all season of a National Championship. Today’s loss doesn’t really affect their chances in the national tournament, but the injury could be devastating.

Regardless, the show must go on. The team will play and the quest for another National Championship will continue. As Zig Ziglar so eloquently stated, “When obstacles arise, you change your direction to reach your goal, you do not change your decision to get there.”

One doesn’t have to be a fan of sports to appreciate what it is like to care about a group of kids as they strive to be the best they can be. Their triumphs become our triumphs and their losses become our losses. Funny enough, it is in the losses that I begin to feel the love I have for these players…love for their togetherness, love for their teamwork, love for their camaraderie and love for their hope of success. When you watch them play week after week, giving all that they got, you can only hope they will be rewarded in the end.

The truth is, they are being rewarded along the way, as are the fans. Even though the illustrious championship trophy would be the epitome of external success, it does not represent all what was gained internally.

Sports can often be used as another metaphor for life. We may always be striving to live our greatest life as if we’re vying for the esteemed trophy, but in the end, it’s really just about giving our best effort each and every day. Sometimes our best that day may not be enough. We may come up short. But even when we do, come up short, at least we were there TO come up short…At least we were there…At least we tried.

All life asks of us is to show up. To try and give it a chance. If we never give something a chance, then we’re not living. We’re then stuck in the past, for the past is the only thing known.

I’m giving my Self a chance to see what I can be without the commitment to be and do something else. I may come up short, but at least I can be honest with myself in that I tried.

P.S. -- My stomach is feeling much, much better today. I have no idea what that was all about.

Quote of the day: “When obstacles arise, you change your direction to reach your goal, you do not change your decision to get there.”