Jennathena's Blog

Today, I enrolled my 7 year old into 1st grade at the local, public elementary school. Done with somewhat of a heavy heart...

Last year, my husband homeschooled Tristan and taught him to read. I, being the sole breadwinner of the family, focused on getting him out to see friends on the weekends. I understand the argument of not putting my children in public school, but at the same time, when there is very little time to dedicate to homeschooling, I don't feel I have many choices. My husband is in the process of getting a distillery business going -- i.e. he's not making money yet, but spends a lot of time on it. Meanwhile, I'm still paying all the bills.

I guess what it comes down to is that we have different visions of what homeschooling looks like. I want more structure and more, regular social interaction, like meeting with a group once or twice a week. That never happened last year, until I stepped in during the Spring and insisted that we enroll him in a local (albeit Christian) Montessori school. (My husband is anti-Christian, so that was a mighty feat unto itself.) During the previous 7 months, there was not much in the way of social interaction, which my husband argues is not necessary, that it's a myth that children need socialization. But what if our child is SUPER social, and he is, and he LOVES being around kids? What then? And, when his father has a very strong personality and can be overbearing at times, what then? I've flat out told my husband I don't want Tristan with him 100% of the time, that I want to be involved more than I can be, so there's a balance. And, I know I would be more proactive about getting together with other homeschoolers and initiating field trips, etc. But I don't have that time right now, with having to make all the money. Somehow, my husband doesn't see this part of it, and we end up being on two separate pages of the same book.

Maybe I'm not being creative enough about this... But for the time being, I just don't see public school as the most heinous thing I can do to my child. Not to mention that Tristan is SUPER excited about "going to school". My thought is to at least try it and see how he does with it. Education is an organic process, anyway, and my aim is to flow with what my son's needs are. If that means pulling him out 2 months from now or whenever and homeschool, or go to a private school (when we can afford it), then that's what I'll do.

If any of you have any stories or thoughts to share, please indulge me! I would like to get more insights about this.

With Blessings,
Jenna

(The following is an excerpt from my writing tonight. The last few months, I have been attending CoDA meetings (Codependents Anon.) and am learning the "steps". I have found the first two sentences invaluable as I journey along my path back Home.)


Let go. Let God. Please restore me to Wholeness. Please give me the Courage to set boundaries and honor them. Please guide me to Integrity within my Self and my Soul. Please clear the path of obstacles that keep me from my Wholeness. Please work your Way into my life that I may be divinely inspired each and every day, that my Soul will rejoice with true Freedom and True Expression. Let me be Free from the bondage of my Ego and my habits and patterns. Help me learn a new Way of Being. Of Truth unto myself. Of Truth unto You. Show me the true Way of Love… with my Self, with You, and in relationship with Others. May your Light shine brightly within me, atoning me, cleansing and purifying me that I may be a beacon of Truth. Of Love. Of You. I pray for the restoration of my True Self, my God Self, for clarity and freedom from my ego-bonds.

Thank you.

(Throughout my writing, I ask myself, why do I stay in this relationship? There are many reasons, but the following is at the heart of it.)

I stay because I have an addiction, a dependency to an illusion, not the Truth. The work is in breaking the illusion, which will free me to see the Truth.

Thank you, Bravehearts, for the safety of sharing this here with you. With Blessings, Jenna

Greetings, fellow Bravehearts,

It's been many moons since I last posted a blog, and though I check in from time to time, I haven't felt compelled to write anything until tonight. So, it's "never too late...", right? That was the last blog entry that I wrote a comment to. I thought "oh, how appropo!"

But before that, came the synchronicity: I came up to my office to peruse some websites for my work, and I saw the Braveheart site as one of my tabs, so I clicked to it, wondering "have I received any new messages?" Lo and behold, there was a new friend request that was sent to me literally a half hour before I signed in. What's the likelihood of that?! And, when I went to her profile and read her most recent blog (sorry, I don't know how to link it here on my blog -- but the title was something akin to "Healing Growing Transforming -- Time to Fly"), I felt intimately connected to the experiences and thoughts she was writing about. What's the chance of that?! Except that I've often experienced that with this community, and though I'm not as active as I once was, I'm still connected. It's a wondrous and fabulous gift! Thank you, Bravehearts!

With Love,
Jenna

I just finished my first yoga workshop with John Friend, founder of Anusara Yoga (www.anusara.com), and I intend to have many more with him. After 15 years of practice and instruction (primarily in the Iyengar tradition), I have fallen in love again with yoga. It is such an amazing path. I have been reinvigorated these last two days, pushing both my physical and mental limits. I discovered new ways of looking at things, new ways of being in my body and new ways of strengthening my Inner Light.

Yoga, in Sanskrit, means "yoke", and in the broader sense, it means to yoke one's spirit with God. Truly, it is a path to Freedom. Anusara, in particular, focuses on experiencing God/Spirit through the heart. The first principle (there are 7 "universal principles of alignment") is "Opening to Grace". Once one opens to Grace, receiving and surrendering, then all else falls into alignment. There's no way it can't, but getting to that point of utter Trust and Surrender is a journey unto itself. "Play your Edge", John would say, and "Explore the Mystery". All part of the journey.

This pose is called Eka Pada Rajakapotasana, or 1-legged King Pigeon pose. It is a deep backbend and a HUGE heart-opener!! It was absolutely exhilarating for me to experience again! (It's been a while since I've felt so open, i.e. pre-2nd baby who is now 20 months old.)

Wishing you all Blessings of increased Radiance and Light!
~Jenna

... and I've been reveling in my "new" role ever since. I imagine that it will always feel new to me, as I learn so much from my two boys (I was blessed with my second, Chance, 20 months ago yesterday.)

I think the first lesson I learned with my 6-yr.old, Tristan, came when he was born 4 weeks early via C-section and without having gone into labor. I was heartbroken when I got the news that I needed an "urgent" c-section (as opposed to an emergency c-section.) I had planned to do everything as natural as I could. I had a midwife, a doula, and I had just ordered a birthing tub. I was going to have my first child at home, naturally. But when protein showed up in my urine at 35 weeks, the ensuing bloodwork showed something was awry with my kidneys and liver. And, although the MD said I wasn't pre-eclamptic, my midwives and naturopath said I was showing signs of being pre-eclamptic. The problem was that my baby was IUGR (intra-uterine growth restricted -- which is apparently directly related to pre-eclampsia), i.e. he wasn't growing well inside of me, and the consensus was that having a c-section was the best thing to do for the health of the baby.

Wow! Talk about having the rug taken out from under me. And being shaken to my core. Of course I felt I was to blame... It has taken a long time to finally accept that perhaps I was not to blame, and that perhaps, it was all perfect...

The lesson: Surrender. I've learned that if I can surrender to Divine Will, or the Mystery of the Universe (i.e. when I cannot for the life of me figure out why something has happened!), that I can find softness where there was hardness, peace instead of agitation, serenity instead of consternation. When there's a willingness to surrender one's steadfast point of view, the lense of life opens up to reveal multi-dimensional perspectives, and creative solutions arise with ease and grace. I get this opportunity often with my two boys. It exercises my cognitive agility and flexibility, and it ripples out into the rest of my life, both on a professional and personal level. It keeps me sharp, it keeps me open, open to possibility. It is a practice that I imagine I'll engage in the rest of my life.

Tristan was born at 9:10 am, August 14th, at 4 lbs. 4 oz and 17" long. He stayed in the hospital for 8 days before I could take him home. He was actually ready to go home at 7 days per his pediatrician, but it was me he was more concerned about, because I had full-blown hypertension where my blood pressure sky-rocketed to 140/90 after Tristan was born (usually that happens before baby is born, and the hypertension is remedied by birthing the baby), and I had to go on BP medication for 2 weeks. Typically, I'm a low BP person, like 110/60. Another mind-spinning event...

Surrender.... ahhhh

Today, he is 6, and there will be ample opportunity to test my agility! What a blessing he is for me! I love you, sweet Tristan. Happy Birthday, baby!

(This is an excerpt from my journal that I felt compelled to share with you BraveHeart women. When I wrote it, it felt somewhat like a meditation where I let my feelings guide what words I wrote. I'm interested in hearing your feedback and perspectives, if you feel so inclined. I so appreciate being a part of this community, and I thank you for the opportunity to share and grow with you!)

There are a lot of changes happening… Change is in the air… Changes within me, changes within my partner.

Changes in my perception, my understanding, my feelings of wholeness…

I am learning, I am feeling, I am knowing – that I am enough. No sooner than I write that, and I feel my root chakra activated. It is an amazing feeling, and it is an amazing gift that I can feel that energy, feel the energy of words, feel the power of words.

I am enough.

Saying those words, feeling those words convey so much. I have a sense of wholeness, of being integrally connected with the Divine, like a celtic knot, where there is no beginning and no ending.

How does it make me feel to say “I am enough?”

I feel joy. I feel giddy, like a little girl getting the best present ever imaginable. I feel content, peaceful, serene, like the stillness of an alpine lake. I feel immense and expansive like the never-ending horizon of an ocean. I feel intimately connected with my Creator, that I am in the active position of being co-creator instead of the passive position of being a by-stander.

I am enough.

I feel Magic with those words, that anything is possible. I begin to feel as if I’m a sculptor, carving out spaces and pathways to create my Joy.

I have been mired in a place of confusion for what feels like decades (lifetimes?). I know not exactly where I’m headed and what I’m going to create, what Spirit has in mind for me, but I feel open. I offer myself to Grace, and feel its river flowing through me… pooling up here, spilling over there… luxuriating in the freedom of it all. Freedom of movement, of expression… I feel full… of Love, of Joy, of Gratitude. I am truly blessed to be given such a Gift.

I love mySelf – is this not the ultimate place of healing?

The shell has cracked open…with brilliant Light revealing… a new perspective, and ancient at the same time.

What used to be painful and buried deep in the recesses of my darkest shadows has been brought up to the surface for the Magical experience of receiving True Love.

I thank my Angels for holding the vibration of unconditional Love for me. I thank St. Germain for his presence and support. Continue to show me the way. Help me to continue unfolding into my True Self, my Authentic Self, and to step into my Authentic Power.

Expansive. Light, as in a feather…

I am enough. I love myself.

...thanks to the Prosperity Hormone call! Everything that was said made perfect sense to me, and it left me wanting more. Hence my joining the Core. At first, I hedged, because God knows, I've got a lot on my plate. But Goddess also knows what I'm capable of, and it just may be that being a part of this global community will be the bit that pushes me out of my already cracked shell, where my clarity of vision sharpens regarding my purpose and passions.

Ellie wrote a blog a while back about the stages of finding your purpose where she made the analogy to giving birth, and I recall distinctly that I felt I'm in that "Confusion" stage. I know what I'm good at, but I have a deeper longing to do more than what I'm currently good at, as I know there are untapped talents and so much joy to be had. I'm not sure how to get there, but every night I pray for clarity and I send out the intention for Clarity.

I hesitated in joining the Core simply because I felt like I needed to have more clarity about where I'm going, and living it, as that's what I perceive other Core members doing. But, I recognized that hesitation coming from the Perfectionist in me, where I have to have everything figured out before committing to whatever it is I'm committing to... So, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone, and jumping in, giving myself permission to go at a pace that is comfortable for me and not exactly knowing where I'll end up but that wherever it is, it will be good. I trust that I'll be supported with that intention.

Thanks to Dr. Sugar and Ellie for the wonderful call and to all you BH Women who offer so much inspiration and are indeed inspiration in action!

With Blessings,
Jenna

I’m finding out just how difficult it is for me to have clarity of vision, clarity of heart, clarity of mind… I find my self swinging as if on a great pendulum where in one instance I feel empowered and strong and capable, and the next instance I’m back in the unconscious wake of my patterning, appeasing and bending to please others so that I can have the harmony I so crave. I’m waking up to it, however, and as was recently pointed out to me, I need to be gentle on myself. I have made progress, I am doing the hard work it takes to change a deeply-rooted pattern and walk into the unknown realm of true Self-Sovereignty and Self-Love. It is exhilarating while at the same time terrifying. Ping-pong, back and forth I go. At what point do I step into the exhilaration and leave behind the terror? I will get there eventually... In the meantime, I will cultivate patience, trust, and self-acceptance.

A couple of phrases I’ve seen on the BHW site come to mind, the first of which is this: “Imperfect Action is better than No Action” (thanks Giovanna) and “I choose to see the glass half-FULL” (thanks Crystal).

Another one that comes to mind, although I can’t recall where it comes from, is that I’m the one driving this boat known as my life. I truly do create my life. I have come to accept that I attracted my partner into my life to help heal this codependent aspect of myself. And similarly to what my mother taught me what not to be, I’m learning what I don’t want in a primary relationship through the experience of my current primary relationship (and previous relationships). It serves as the canvas on which gets painted the experiences that I no longer want, which in turn reveals the “negative” space, i.e. the white space, that informs me of what I DO want. Interesting how this dualistic world of ours works. There cannot be light without dark. There is no Yin without Yang, positive without negative, masculine without feminine, inside without outside, up without down. We are constantly immersed in a reality of duality from which to define our world as we experience it. (At least until Samadhi is reached… at least according to my yogic studies...)

Seems a bit backwards, this process of finding clarity. And yet, it works for me, at least for now. So far, regarding my primary relationship, I’ve come up with this: I need a partner who is willing and able to take responsibility for himself, his emotional reactions, his defenses, and his childhood wounding. Essentially what I’m asking for is that my partner be willing to undertake his own healing so that that the burden of that responsibility is not placed upon me or our relationship. I’ve come to acknowledge that the status quo simply will not work anymore, the status quo being that I have taken on more than my fair share with regard to my partner’s emotions and emotional reactions. The question remains, is he willing, and perhaps more importantly, is he able?

That throws me in the marasse of uncertainty and challenges me further to trust in myself and to stop the codependent nature of linking my sense of safety and trust into the outcome of that question.

And now to quote Ellie again (thanks, Deja, for posting this earlier today): "I now let go of the resistance that is no longer relevant to who I am today."

I place my trust in the Divine and continue with my quest for Clarity.

Blessed Be!

I have this wonderful flyer hanging up on my wall to serve as a reminder for me of how to be more integrated with my community. I don't remember where I got it, but the author is "From the Syracuse Cultural Workers".

How to Build Community

Turn off your TV.
Leave your House.
Know your Neighbors. Greet People.
Look up when you're walking.
Sit on your stoop. Plant Flowers.
Use your Library. Play together.
Buy from Local Merchants.
Share what you Have. Help a Lost Dog.
Take Children to the Park. Honor Elders.
Support Neighborhood Schools.
Fix it even if you didn't break it.
Have Pot Lucks. Garden together.
Pick up Litter. Read stories aloud.
Dance in the Street.
Talk to the Mail Carrier.
Listen to the Birds. Put up a Swing.
Help carry something heavy.
Barter for your Goods.
Start a Tradition. Ask a question.
Hire young people for odd Jobs.
Organize a Block Party.
Bake extra and Share.
Ask for Help when you need it.
Open your shades. Sing together.
Share your Skills.
Take back the Night.
Tur up the Music. Turn down the Music.
Listen before you react to Anger.
Mediate a Conflict. Seek to Understand.
Learn from New and Uncomfortable Angels.
Know that No One is silent though Many are not heard.
Work to Change this!


With Blessings and Joy of Community!
~Jenna

This meditation came to me via my energy worker/counselor who is schooled in the Barbara Brennan School of Healing Arts and Sciences. She is helping me with some deep healing of my child-Self. As a child, I experienced some kind of trauma, or multiple traumas, that compromised my feelings of safety, trust and security. I know of one experience but others have not been fully-revealed to me. I do know that I'm a highly sensitive person, always have been, and that I've had a habit of taking on more than I should (see my posting in the Reclaim Your Power community), so it's quite possible that I took on other people's experiences of their own trauma. Who knows? I don't think I need to know at this point, but that I simply need to heal, and this meditation is helping transform my perspective on myself and on life in general.

This meditation works with the 7 primary chakras of the physical body, and the 8th chakra that is located above the head in the auric field . Chakras are energy vortices that "correspond to the major nerve plexuses of the physical body in that area of the body." (quote taken from "Hands of Light" by Barbara Brennan.) The chakras correspond with the following physical areas: 1) root chakra >> base of the pelvis; 2) 2nd chakra >> sacral area; 3) 3rd chakra >> solar plexus; 4) 4th chakra >> heart; 5) 5th chakra >> throat; 6) 6th chakra >> forehead (also known as the 3rd eye); 7) 7th chakra >> crown (top of the head). Another great resource to learn about the chakras is "Wheels of Life" by Anodea Judith. (And of course, if any of you out there want to add to this, please feel free.)

When reciting this meditation, know that "the I am that I am" is the Divine Consciousness that resides in each one of us, the Christ Consciousness, the spark of Divinity that connects us all as one energy, the place of Truth and Divine Love.

Begin by focusing on the root chakra, allowing to open and connect with the Earth. With each breath, allow the qualities of Safety, Trust and Security to come into your body through the root chakra. You can feel the energy rising up your legs to the perineum with the in-breath and reaching back down the legs back into the Earth with the out-breath. It's important to be grounded while doing this meditation. (Centering will come as a result of working your way up the chakras.)

1) With your focus on your root chakra (you can place your hands at the perineum to help bring your focus there), recite the following:
"I trust the I am that I am. I trust the Divinity within me." (You can also say "I trust the Diving Child within me." Find what feels best and true for you.)**

**When you feel the urge to move on, follow that urge up to the 2nd chakra. If you find some blocks in your root chakra, consider it an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your journey and where you may need healing.**

2) With your focus on your 2nd chakra, recite the following:
"I love and accept the I am that I am. I love and accept the Divinity within me." **

3) With your focus on your 3rd chakra, recite the following:
"I respect the I am that I am. I respect the Divinity within me."**

4) With your focus on your 4th chakra, recite the following:
"I give and receive love from the I am that I am. I give and receive love from the Divinity within me."

At this point, with the 4th and remaining chakras, add this in after you've recited the affirmation: "I trust that I give and receive love from the I am that I am. I trust that I give and receive love fIom the Divinity within me." **

5) With your focus on your 5th chakra, recite the following:
"I speak and hear truth from the I am that I am. I speak and hear truth from the Divinity within me. I trust that I speak and hear truth from the I am that I am. I trust that I speak and hear truth from the Divinity within me.".**

6) With your focus on your 6th chakra, recite the following:
"I see truth from the I am that I am. I see truth from the Divinity within me. I trust that I see truth from the I am that I am. I trust that I see truth from the Divinity within me."**

7) With your focus on your 7th chakra, recite the following:
"I know truth from the I am that I am. I know truth from the Divinity within me. I trust that I know truth from the I am that I am. I trust that I know truth from the Divinity within me."**

8) With your focus on your 8th chakra, above your head, receiving directly from your Soul, recite the following:
"I express my Divine Purpose from the I am that I am. I express my Divine Purpose from the Divinity within me. I trust that I express my Divine Purpose from the I am that I am. I trust that I express my Divine Purpose from the Divinity within me."**

Always say the words out loud, for there is power in the spoken word. I believe speaking these words out loud helps foster integrity and accountability. There's no faking it. This has been my experience, anyway.

I have known this meditation for nearly a year, now, and it's only been recently that I've been able to get past the 4th chakra. I've had a lot of healing to do (and continue to do) around my lower 4 chakras, and I've found that they build upon one another. I can't leap-frog from one to another without having first "worked through" the previous chakra(s). In other words, I've had to work extensively with the issues surrounding my root chakra (safety, trust, security, etc.) in order to work with the healings around my 2nd chakra (self-love, acceptance, etc.). The first three chakras are like the foundation to a house: you simply cannot build the rest of the house without having first established the foundation.

Well, if you made it this far through this long post, you are certainly a trooper!! I've been wanting to write this for a while, since my first blush with it a couple of weeks ago (see my blog posting "Honoring the Divine Child within"). I welcome any feedback or questions. I offer this meditation as a gift to serve your highest. It is an amazing tool and can reveal much about one's journey, if one is honest and open about receiving the information. I hope you enjoy it!

Many Blessings and in honor of your Divinity,
Jenna

Greetings, Braveheart Women,

3 nights ago, I experienced one of the scariest things in my life -- my 18-month old son went into seizure in my arms as I was nursing him to sleep. He had had a high temperature all day that we were treating with ibuprofen (I hadn't learned yet that we could be using both Tylenol and ibuprofen, alternating doses every 3 hours), but his fever simply was not breaking. We ended up calling 911 and the paramedics showed up within minutes. His seizure lasted maybe 5 minutes. He came around, we got some Tylenol, and within 2 hours, his fever broke as he lay sleeping in my arms. The next morning, I gave him some Tylenol and then left him in the capable hands of my husband and our wonderful babysitter. By 3 pm, his fever was back up to around 104. 3:30 pm, another dose of Tylenol, but his fever ping-ponged back and forth between 102 and 103.5. He had another seizure, again in my arms, at 5:30, after giving him a lukewarm bath to try to reduce the fever. The paramedics came again, and we decided to take him to the ER.

Well, I' ve learned a lot about "febrile seizures", and even though the doc's and paramedics tell me that they are pretty common and that they are "benign", today -- two days later after the 2nd seizure -- I'm getting signals from my body that I'm having a mild panic attack. My world has been seriously shaken up, and my ability to ground and center is compromised. (Believe me, I've been trying all day.)

So, I turn to the BHW site for my daily dose of inspiration, and I find that there is this thread of "raising vibration" through Laughter (thanks, Lana), through Hugs (thanks Dr. Sugar), and through a hilarious story of mis-haps (thanks again, Lana). I also read about how everything is perfect right now (thanks "1happy4"). That was the one I started with, and I had left a comment as to how difficult it is to remember this when your life is in upheaval (which mine currently does feel that way!). I ended with Lana's amusing story of chaos which continues to give me little fits of laughter here and there, and *BAM*, I'm feeling more energized and able to tackle the rest of my day. I can breathe deeper, and even though I still feel like crying to release my anxst and grief, I can connect to the Bigger Picture, and more importantly, I can connect to Source for support.

And, therein lies "The Domino Effect", just in case you were wondering where in the hell I was going with this morose tale!

Thank you all for helping me raise my energy level and everyone else's, too!

Much Love 'and Gratitude,
Jenna

p.s. On another note, if any of you have any metaphysical musings about the nature of febrile seizures and what I as his mama can do to help him, I welcome your insights and suggestions.

Hello Debra!

I'm supposed to be working right now, but my thoughts kept returning to your post here. I love how honest you are in simply being YOU. You do a wonderful job honoring your Truth, and thank you for being an inspiration for me!

What really got me in this posting is that you "can love the child" within people that you interact with, whether they be complete strangers, intimate lovers, friends or family. It's an exercise I practice myself, and I learned it first from the I AM meditation where I work through the chakras from the root to the crown. It starts off like this: "I trust the I am that I am. I trust the Divine Child within me." and so on, through the remaining chakras, except there's a different focus for each chakra. For example, for the second chakra, it goes "I love and accept the I am that I am. I love and accept the Divine Child within." You can also say "I ___ the Divinity within me." For myself, I have found that when I say "the Divine Child" within me, it is easy to connect with, to trust, and to believe. Because it's the Divine Child within each of us that remains connected to Source and Truth, and remains untarnished by the world's harsh injustices. The Divine Child is a place of purity and sincerity and utter devotion to Spirit, to Truth, to the Divine. So, I play with that when I'm walking or driving about, looking at my fellow travelers as sparks of the Divine, ever interconnected to me and each other. It's a beautiful practice when contemplating that We Are One.

Blessings to you, Debra!
Love,
Jenna

(This is an excerpt from some journaling I did the other night.)

Something is shifting within me, and I think it’s a combination of things that are bringing about the shift. First of all, I’ve been doing sessions with my energy worker/counsellor for about a year now; secondly, I’ve had a few sessions with a Reiki Master; and lastly I joined the Braveheart Women online community. I have connected with women who are kindred spirits in that we are all growing, evolving, and becoming who we truly are.

I have negated myself for so long, because of my fear of not being loved and because of my need for safety. I haven’t allowed my voice to be heard, because I’ve been too busy pleasing others to ensure that my needs will be taken care of. The codependent model: ‘I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine”. Another way to put it is: I’ll tend to your needs and take responsibility for you if you’ll love me and keep me safe. I feel I’ve been stuck in a holding pattern from when I was a child, that I never learned to love myself and trust myself deeply, that I looked outside myself to others to provide that for me, even though paradoxically, I’ve known that that only causes more pain and resentment. It’s all been my unconscious patterning playing itself out...

Therein lies part of the shift: the unconscious stuff is coming to the surface to be revealed, and boy, does it feel dark and gooey, like unburying hidden treasure from the deep seabeds of the Atlantic Ocean. I’m afraid to look at it, explore it, and at the same time, my rational, adult Self tells me it’s just part of me that desperately needs embracing and can be ignored no longer!! For underneath all the goop and goo lies the treasure I’ve been looking for – Myself. Sparkling, shiny gold pieces and dazzling, multi-faceted and multi-colored gemstones. The Treasure is Me. And, as I write this, my eyes well up with tears, tears of both grief and of joy, but mostly of grief, because I’ve been my own worst enemy in hiding myself. No wonder I have attracted people in my life who put me down, disregard me, disrespect me, and yet at the same time, there are those who see beyond that and do see the Jewel that I am. For I am sparkly, and bubbly, and light.

I had a Reiki session recently where some “travelers” were taken out of my field who had apparently been there for about 4 years. They attached themselves to me when I was emotionally distraught and definitely NOT in my Light. The Reiki healer told me I would probably feel lighter after the session. When it was over, he couldn’t have been more right! I felt like I had gotten a part of myself back, the part that was always in awe of the world and of Nature. I walked outside and took a little walk to reorient myself to my “new” Self, and I swear, I saw the flower pixies and tree spirits, and I welcomed them and apologized for being absent for so long. I felt their happiness and warmth at my recognizing them. My heart swelled with joy!!

I LOVE that aspect of myself. It has always been with me, but unfortunately, it has been preyed upon by cynics and skeptics alike that say “there’s no such thing”, or “you’re crazy”, or “please don’t ever say that in public!” Don’t get me wrong, as I’ve said, thankfully, there have been people in my life who celebrate that aspect of me, although they are far and few between. Or, has it been me that pushed them away, because I gave more credence to those who negated me? Because, it’s been challenging for me to be “different” and to embrace the Magical within me. Even now, as I write this down, once again acknowledging that Fairy aspect of myself (as I’ll call it), I feel myself wanting to diminish it, hide it, negate it because of the inner conflicting dialogue within myself. As if I were ashamed of that part of me, and yet, when I walked out of the Reiki practitioner’s home, I felt so much joy, that it simply cannot be denied any more. I am on the long journey back to reclaiming myself, my wholeness, my power. (and perhaps, I’m closer than I think! ; )

But here comes a hard realization… my life partner is one who does not celebrate me for who I truly am, or at least, that’s how it feels. Paradoxically, he fell in love with me because of my slight frame (pre-children) and my Lightness of Being (qualities that I attribute to my Fairy-like nature.) I was very committed to my meditation and yoga practice, and I was eating all raw foods at the time. Needless to say, I wasn’t your average girl, and on top of that, I was smart, pretty, and had a degree in Architecture with my own business. What a catch, right? But unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately (because of all the lessons I’m learning and what's being revealed), I was not grounded in myself, centered in myself, even with all the grounding techniques I learned in my meditation class. And what’s happened over the course of our relationship is me getting worn down by his seemingly constant negative judgments, skepticism, and criticism. He has embodied the very voice within me that has negated my Lightness, negated my connection with Spirit.

I’ve come to recognize that I don’t feel I can really prosper in the context of this relationship as it is currently. I’ve also come to consciously acknowledge that my partner is emotionally and psychologically abusive, not in a grandiose way, but more insidiously, which has made it easier for me to ignore... but, not really... (while I’ve known this for a long time, I haven’t had the courage to actually look it in the eye.) Recently, after a session with my counsellor, she sent me a “Domestic Abuse” pie chart with descriptions. "It helps to see it in black and white," she told me.

(end of journal excerpt)

My partner clearly fits in one piece of the pie: Psychological and Emotional Abuse. Here are some of the aspects of that type of abuse:
1) Making degrading remarks about partner's appearance and/or abilities.
2) Name-calling, "put-downs".
3) Unjustly accusing partner of having affairs.
4) Humiliating partner in public.
5) Claiming such remarks were only said in jest, or denying they were ever said at all.
6) Treating partner like a servant.
7) Keeping partner off balance by always "changing the rules."
8) Blaming partner for causing the abuse by "not acting right."

Above the pie chart is the title: "Domestic Abuse is an Issue of Power and Control". There are others pieces to the pie: "Threats and Intimidation", "Physical Abuse", "Sexual Abuse", "Isolation", "Economic Abuse", and "Using Children".

So, I ask you Braveheart Women, for those inclined to share, what has your experience been in untangling yourself from abusive relationships, and especially if you have children with the abusive partner? Have you been able to transform both yourself and the relationship? Did the relationship have to end?

These are some of the hard questions I'm asking myself. I'm hopeful for transformation, but I'm also feeling dubious about my partner's willingness to change and take on his share of responsibility (financial and emotional), so that I (as a friend pointed out to me) can stop "over-functioning".

Thanks for "listening". This is part of my process in reclaiming my power. It helps to write about it, and I'm hopeful for some insightful responses. By the way, about 2 years ago I learned that my primary Power Animals are the Black Jaguar and the Macaw. The Black Jaguar has been with me since birth, and from what I've read, she/he is all about Reclaiming one's Power. And here it is, presenting itself before me (again.) If you have a moment, please send me a prayer or positive vibration to help me reclaim my power and no longer apologize for who I am.

I send you all Blessings for reclaiming your power!!
With gratitude,
Jenna

... that is addicting!! So many amazing and inspirational sentiments voiced. I thank each and everyone of you for contributing your words of wisdom, your despairs, your epiphanies. There's an undercurrent of energy building within me that is leading me, guiding me, giving me courage to be all that I am. It's simply amazing to me to feel the connection of so many women all at once, all reaching higher to a more conscious, loving, whole, empowered Self. It's so powerful, in fact, that a couple of women I've messaged with were in my dreams last night. I feel certain that I'm connecting with them on the Astral plane or some other dimension of reality. Mind-blowing, indeed!

Many Blessings to us all to fulfill our deepest Soul desires.
~JennAthena

After spending an hour and a half this morning trying to figure out how to get around this site and all that it offers, finally, I figured out how to post a blog entry. It's easy to get self-critical, but imagine my joy (dare I say elation!) at figuring it out. Something so small and seemingly unimportant, too. No one holding my hand through it, no instruction manual. Through my tenacity and stubbornness, the gift was revealed -- connection at last!

Could be a metaphor of sorts... It may not be that way for everyone, but I know for me, that if I'm just willing to let go of the inner critic and open up to possibility, pathways are revealed. Hmmm... I think I'll make that my mantra today.

Blessings,
Jenna