LIFE: It Isn't for the Faint of Heart

Bree is an executive by day and aspiring fashion designer the rest of the time. For two years, she's sold her fashions to eager buyers at local trunk shows and small events. Her stuff is good, really good.

With great enthusiasm, she shared her dream of quitting her white collar job and manufacturing her own line. I sat rapt, enjoying her animated persona. Creating a fashion line is the natural next step in her evolution. She has a great chance of success and she'll always regret not trying. I offered to assist her in writing her business plan and calling a few contacts that could help.

In an instant, everything about Bree changed. Her face fell and she slumped back in her seat. Like a child in trouble, she confessed that she'd thought about it, but clothing design was just a hobby, not a real business.

By most definitions, selling a product for more than it cost to make it is business. Somehow, Bree couldn't see that. I asked her to explain and after several moments of foggy, circular explanations she said, "My boyfriend and my mother always tell me that my job is what's important and fashion is just a craft hobby."

Bree's boyfriend and mother love her and if asked why they've labeled her fashions a hobby, I'm sure their answer would boil down to their own fears and their desire for Bree to be financially safe.

The problem is the safe road isn't safe. Moving through life taking the path devoid of risk and dream fulfillment is dangerous. If Bree continued to allow the will of her well meaning, loved ones to stifle her greatest expression, the day would come when a dark curtain of regret fell over her life.

When I reflected my impression of the situation back to Bree, she saw it clearly. I assured her that she didn't need to attack her mother or boyfriend, quit her job or abandon anything.

She did need to assert dominion over her thoughts and beliefs. Further, it was time to explain to her loved ones how she felt and ask for their help. If they chose not to give it, that was their story, not hers.

It is imperative to remember that every opinion is couched in the experiences, biases and fears of the speaker. Your job as the person ultimately responsible for your life is to evaluate those opinions and ask, "Is this really true?"

Bree looks and sounds like a new woman. She is excited about her life and actively endeavoring to be the only speaker in her mind. Her fashions are no longer a hobby, for now they are her second career. Soon they'll be her only career.

Whose opinions are masquerading as your beliefs?



Photo Credit: Temari09

It is not how much you do,

but how much love you

put into the doing that matters.

–Mother Teresa



The purpose of your life is to express your gifts and talents in a way that improves the lives of others and fulfills you. It is to be love in action.

People often balk at the idea that we are here to spend our lives serving others. They believe that for service to count, there must be some element of sacrifice, imposition or discomfort. They don't understand that we're born to give.

What we seek is seeking us and our fulfillment can serve the world.

Real service is given in joy. The only way to joyously give for a lifetime is to express the things that bring you joy. Everything can be used in service.

Gardeners, artists, doctors, business people, homemakers, athletes, chefs, pet groomers, all vocations, when aligned with purpose and love, serve the world. Gifts and talents vary widely, and so it must be, needs vary widely too.

You're aligned with your life's purpose when your actions resonate with you and at the same time bless the world.





Are you living on purpose?


Photo credit: Matupplevelser

Early in my career, my employer sent me to seminar on the psychology of selling. In essence, it was a course in manipulation. In words that made the act sound positive, we were taught to instill fearful beliefs in our customers so they, in an effort to end their discomfort, would by our products. Before we whipped them into a frenzy of insecurity, we garnered their trust by putting them on a pedestal. The formula was simple, tremendously effective and left me feeling like a schmuck.

The same manipulation formula is applied to us daily by our money & media driven culture. Television, radio, magazines, the internet and even our telephones bombard us with the message that we are inherently inadequate.

Pretty colors, friendly voices, snappy jingles and actors who seem to really care, assure us that though we are patently inferior we can, with the their help, be better.

Here are a few of the pain statements, or lies, that lower our confidence and cause us to spend:

- Healthy bodies (not overweight, but not rail thin) are unattractive.

- Getting older is a bad, bad thing.

- If you don't look like you've just stepped of a fashion runway, you're unappealing.

- People naturally smell bad.

- Time is running out!! Hurry!

- You aren't smart or qualified enough.

- If you feel sad that means your depressed and only drugs can really help.

- You're going to get sick and have lots of health problems.

- If you're single, you're a loser.

- If your house doesn't smell like chemicals, it's not clean and you fail as a homemaker.

- You can't succeed if you don't have enough hair.

- You're incompetent therefore you can't handle things yourself.

These beliefs are so entrenched in some people that they think they actually thought of them. Instead of living life based on the precept I am enough, they constantly pursue an unattainable state of perceived adequacy.

Imagine the shift in happiness and success that would occur if the energy invested in curing false beliefs was instead directed at pursuing the desires of our hearts.

Don't sit idly by and let media messages slip into your belief systems unchecked. Pay attention. Recognize the manipulation and reject it. Affirm the truth to yourself and to your children.

You are inherently enough and the key to your success and happiness is within.

Look there.

Photo Credit: Oliver Lavery

After receiving a ton of email and engaging in countless conversations with men baffled by the women in their lives, I've put together a list of the most common insights many men are unaware of. This list applies to committed couples, not casual daters. Be sure to check out yesterday's post 5 Things Women Need to Know About Men.



5 Things Men Need to Know About Women


1. Never stop chasing her. Men often feel that once committed, their prior professions of love and the actions they took to close the deal stand ever present in their woman's mind. If I had a dollar for every time a man has said to me, "Well, she knows I love her." She knows he "loved" her when he said what he said and did what he did. How does she know that he loves her today? Only by his words and actions today. Court her. Call, text, hold her hand, bring her a flower or a bunch, tell her what she means to you. Rinse. Repeat.


2. Women love sex, but approach it differently. The largest sex organ in a woman's body is her brain. Rarely are the friction based machinations of the average p*rn flick enough to light her fire. Also, women are saddled with more responsibility than ever and it isn't always easy to transition from superwoman to sex kitten. Men can help by sharing the burdens. When the opportunity for sex presents, start upstairs and well before sex. Be clean and smell good. Flirt, give non-sexual affection, tell her what she means to you, tell her she's gorgeous (mean it). Warm her up right and you may find yourself struggling to keep up. That leads me to the always awkward to make suggestion: Learn how to sexually satisfy a woman, specifically your woman. There are books, classes, counselors and, most importantly, the subtle and not so subtle responses of your woman. Study them.



3. Women need emotional closeness to feel secure in a relationship. Emotional closeness is fostered by intimate communication. It is easy for a woman to sit right next to a man and feel wholly alone. Often, she just needs to talk with him and NOT have him fix problems. She needs to know that she can trust and rely on him to be there emotionally 100% of the time. Think of emotional closeness as a bucket with a hole in it. Men have to stay present and interested, continuously topping the bucket off.



4. Women are capable of doing everything that needs to be done, but it doesn't make them happy. They enjoy being taken care of (to my readers who disagree: there are always exceptions, but I am hard pressed to fathom why a woman would deprive herself of this). As caregivers to the world, women need to be cared for, too. Women are biologically hard-wired to seek a man who will protect her and provide for her. A man who excels here is automatically sexy.



5. Take the fire out of any fight by telling a woman that you love her, while you're arguing. You can maintain your position of disagreement and still do this. So many women admit that, during an argument, beneath the issue being debated is their sense that in that moment they are unloved. State your case and tell her that you love her. If you need space, go for it, but come back and tell her you love her ASAP.

Daily, I have conversations with women who are struggling with their men. After having countless discussions with men of every age, class, race and status, it seems that the reasons behind their counterparts' angst fall into five key areas. In an effort to shed some love and light on the mechanics of men, I write this post. Let me know what you think.

Be sure to check out: "5 Things Men Need to Know About Women."


5 Things Women Need to Know About Men

1. Men are as, or more, emotional than women. They don't express it as readily or easily because it isn't comfortable for them. Still waters run DEEP.

2. Mutually desired sex is VITAL for him to feel emotionally secure, confident and loved. When she says "No" to sex, he hears, "I don't want you." It hurts.

3. It is crucial that a woman NEVER criticize, mock, belittle, tease or insult her man in public or behind his back. Ideally, she doesn't do it in private either, but if she must express something negative, she should do so only when no one else, children included, is present. Respect and honor him.

4. Taking care of her health, appearance and hygiene tells her man that she cares for and values him.

5. He wants to take care of her, provide for her, be romantic with her, but when she bosses him around, questions him and undermines his efforts, he withdraws and feels incompetent.



Photo credit: Temari09

I preface this post with my belief that women must be capable of taking care of themselves. Strength, education and the ability to support oneself financially are crucial to our well-being.

The Death of Venus

I asked women, friends and strangers, to describe themselves and the most common answers I received were: strong, capable, responsible and hard-working. Again, I support women having these traits, but they are decidedly masculine. Women have become more and more male. Many seem to strive to be better men than men.

What's happened in our society as a result? Woman have become mundane creatures divided (by the media) into two primary groups: gender neutral powerhouses and stick thin, trashy hoes who represent the sexual ideal. Some men, though reluctant to see femininity die, are content to be relieved of the role of sole protector and provider.

Another growing group is men willing to be taken care of by women. This is tragic because men are built to thrive on the power and satisfaction of being a hero. Thankfully, there are still many men who do this masterfully. God love them and encourage them to hold out for the full bodied woman they deserve.

Studies abound that women today are increasingly less happy, but studies aren't required. Talk to women and you'll know. We are busy, stressed and tired. Many lament that there are no gentlemen around, only sex-driven, eternal adolescents. Somewhere beneath the labels of daughter, mother, wife, lawyer, doctor, actor, teacher, friend and everything else, something is missing and it makes us ache.

Resurrecting Venus

The elixir to cure our ache lies in the resuscitation of our femininity. Women, by nature, are:

* Creative
* Intimate & Connected
* Attracted to Beauty & Manifestors of it
* Loving
* Healing
* Sensual
* Imaginative
* Seductive
* Erotic
* Emotional
* Giving
* Receivers of Love, Care and Protection
* Soothing
* Caring
* Gentle
* Interceding & Mediating
* Unifying
* Artistic
* Passionate
* Empowered

We are the primary source of these (and countless other) qualities in the world. As we neglect and disown these precious assets, the entire world suffers starting with us.

The three happiest women I know describe themselves as: creative, loving, spiritual, intuitive, giving, expansive and powerful. (Yes, they are also financially successful. Embracing our innate womanhood is not tantamount to being dependent and broke.)

Our womanhood lies dormant inside us awaiting resurrection. It is our responsibility to bring it to life. It is a perfectly selfish and delicious endeavor that will benefit everyone fortunate enough to share your space.

The first step is to consciously embrace being a feminine woman. As a child of feminists, I thought being womanly meant being weak. If you harbor this idea let it go, it isn't true.

Next, go over the list of feminine qualities above and see if any make you light up or feel soothed inside. If not, sit back and explore your imagination until you discover something that gives you a visceral sense of warmth and peace. Take this concept or quality and find a way to bring it into your life daily. For me, yoga, belly dancing, love songs, divine sheets, glorious sunsets and flowers make me feel feminine. Writing, mentoring, comforting and supporting others also sustain me.

See yourself as the goddess incarnate and treat yourself as such. That means take the time to care for your body, your skin, your hair and heart. Clean and beautify your surroundings, even if you start small. Worship the goddess within and she will bless you.