mindkitchen's Blog

What a play this creation is... The Divine stirring to experience itself...

Happy Valentine to all of us BraveHeart Women, to the Earth Mother and all of her creatures, great and small... and to all cosmic creation...

...is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "holy s--- what a ride!"

My friend Paula, the scrabble shark, gave me this quote on a llittle piece of paper a few years back and I just found it going through some [neatly] piled away papers on my desk...

In the spirit of spiritual warrior-ship, (and lets face it a little spiritual fun and irreverence) I pass it on to BraveHeart Women.

Hi Angeliis, well truth be told I am not following a 'plan' at the moment. Reason being I self-saboteur too much lately and I think it is (this will sound weird but I feel is true: I'm releasing something heavy and old and this is how it is manifesting - in exaggeration) and I want to give this 'changing' what I eat and what I carry in the house a chance. Along with the herbs and cultured foods my 'white witch' friend is guiding me to take. Being temporarily unemployed is offering an incentive... and it is a silver lining really...

I like to cook and can cook healthy foods that satiate me. But I do eat too much... and I also like to do 'emotional' or 'lazy' eating (both my nemesis) but this interesting situation I find myself in (no job) has given me an opportunity to sort of roll myself inside out. The decision to expose aspects of myself to myself in order to have clarity is really to create a more supportive reality. Eating to live rather than to satisfy untold, unseen, unsuspecting little triggers….

These are some truths about me:
I have a lot of compassion – I used to wonder why this was part of my personality as it seem a little incongruent with the rage I carried for years – now I am deeply and humbly grateful for this deep capacity to care. And I learned to use and experience it not in a co-dependent way, which was not the case for years…

I am willing to grow even if the dark night of the soul has me bent at the knees with my nose in my snot, feeling as if I need waders to get out of my own s---. (pretty visual don’t you think)

‘Tenacity for release’ – some might have called me a glutton for pain - I’m glad (as are my incredible daughters) that I came out the other side whole, without consequences– and that I haven’t become bitter. And I have been told I have changed and grown and for this I am grateful (I would preferred to have been this changed and grown at a younger age but cie la vie...)

I still miss a man in my life… and I’m a romantic at heart… and I gained weight to keep men out of my life because I realized that I was too much of a wounded child (good grief - with children of my own) to fix some of the wounded men that I drew into my life.

I am not the conventional mother/grandmother (another story perhaps) Must admit this has probably been my salvation.

I'm not a follower (much to many peoples/schools/organizations/churches chagrin) my mother always said I'd have daughters like me - I love my girls - Scorpio, Taurus, Leo in this order... yicks! I'm a Capricorn... personally I think my mom had it easy.

I haven’t lost my sense of humor… nice I think…

I’m surprisingly shy in some situations – this really threw me for a loop for it’s a new thing. And it merits some exploration for it is so not me…

Dear Angeliis your comments are nice reflections… though I meander and write as a stream of consciousness... all over the map…

muchisimas gracias lili

And dreamsally – thanks for the correct quote on breaking and making habits... good ruler...

Quick note: last night's scrabble game was great, I had such fun, belly laughed and gawd that feels sooo good... and oh, but the diversity and similarity in women is heart warming...

Now about the game... Paula is a shark with letter tiles. Her eye has a knack for 7 letter words that could become legendary... my 3 letter tic tac toes were pathetic in comparison... but I say: BEWARE!!! you've been playing together for a year now - I'm just starting...

Now to my eating diary: not too bad, chicken soup from Sonia (though I had 2 avocado sandwiches with it), chicken, brown rice and brussel sprouts, zucchini and onion sautee, for supper. and though I did snack... 'twas not too much, phewww! Only a few dark chocolate malt balls (excuse me but just to let you know, this was an act of intense discipline and courage) and 1 piece of toast with cashew butter... only water and tea served... after all, this is a dignified group of cutthroats, I found out!!

Today, geez louise, I am procrastinating finishing an important project. Lili get your nose to the grindstone woman... much depends on this...

This is a line from Will Smith in 'Hitch'

Hey Angeliis - thanks for writing - I guess that I sounded more down than I was. You are very sweet.

Actually I like this exercise of writing something [most every day] about my life, my experiences, my thoughts. I'm sure that as I go along I'll learn something... It offers an opportunity to journal during these transcending and transforming times... I read somewhere that we are mostly not honestly connected to all that is happening to us... we are not awake to all of our life... we either don't notice it or we are not willing to look at it. I want to bravely go where I want to keep myself from... tantarara...

In a way I'm doing an experiment with my self to become more aware of these elusive thoughts, feelings and actions... and since there is a lot going on that feels pivotal I thought this would be a safe forum to 'diary'.

It may be a little personal at times (though I hope not to find the urge to hang out any dirty laundry, please) and perhaps a little up and down but I'm really doing great - noticing more than I ever have before and this is fun and sometimes a little 'wow'ish... but mostly just mundane. I tried writing a journal on the computer and also by long hand and I kept forgetting to - there I go forgetting things that are supposed to be important to me - hmmm. This may happen here too but I hope not... will see... Whatever is going on with my weight and many other just life-stuff stuff, life is really just happening, and I want a little more... will see. Anyways, I thought BraveHeart Women would hold some nice energy for this type of contemplation...

Today began late. And it is cold and beautifully white outside with a little snow dusting keeping everything new and pristine. But you know, this morning I pretty much don't care. This morning I want something my mind and soul can't figure out. I am discouraged (paradoxically for I simultaneously feel that something is about to break open for me) about not having the ideal job (OK a job period) yet... and so my reserves are lower than optimal... Last night I left things unfinished in the kitchen and this morning I am at odds with myself; there is a bit of heaviness... though not too bad - just a slight nagging of discontent in my aura...

Terry Gross's interview with Jane Mayer has a disheartening effect on me and I feel the unnecessary hunger for 4 pieces of toast with butter and a slight spread of low sugar raspberry jam (slight spread Lili because you are scraping the bottom and sides) and my 2 scramble eggs (you're right Angeliis about the scramble whites... my nephew in SF would carry you on his shoulder for that) becomes an omelet with goat feta inside... Thank gawd for the constant of good espresso coffee grounds in a french press... and I ponder the chaos of understandings/misunderstandings, purposeful exaggerations and beliefs that vitiates our politics... OK today will be one of those days...

Ahh my friend Sonia has called that she is coming to drop off a bowl of homemade chicken soup on her way to deliver some to a mutual friend with the flu. The loveliness of her friendship is constant in my life and I am grateful... Gratitude - salve for one's life.

My menu plans for today begin to unravel (this happens all the time Lili as well you know) as Maria call to remind me that I'm to help her finish her power point presentation after her university class and another friend calls to invite me to play Scrabble with a group of really interesting women (a jazz singer from NY, an old hippie activist from L.A., a woman grieving her mother's demise while adjusting to a small inheritance, my friend who spent a couple of years in an ashram in India - what we are all doing in Iowa is an interesting conversation) that she says will definitely get me out of my funk. OK I'll go but no lavish snack dishes to tempt me and no drinks tonight... my physique is easily 2 -3 sizes to theirs... and so I consent to a night of good company... and I tell my self to behave as if I am on a 12 step program and must not fall off my wagon... I am silently asking my friend Gail to help me with this and infuse me with some of her strength and wisdom... I miss her. She was a good friend.

You know, I miss a relationship very much; sometimes more than I would have actually thought for an independent woman lime me - but it is interesting to notice that these insecurities and inadequate feelings that my weight has brought me are not noticed with these incredible women that suddenly in the last 3-4 years have webbed a sweet net of friendship around me.

I draw the same card from my Angel divination set often: Sisterhood... This is fun, don't you think...

Lordy, what a day... I thought all day of blogging an entry but I believe that the consistency of time has changed and it runs like sand through open fingers...

Yes indeed this new enterprise will help me be more accountable to me (and thee...) and though I can't report adherence to stellar choices, I can report I didn't snack last night and this morning - well Lili no truth bending here... I did finish that great apple cake (baked with just a little brown sugar and mostly organic ingredients, little butter and walnuts and raisins) and I had breakfast for lunch and a green juice for supper... (apple, 1/2 lime, ginger, spinach, 3 carrots, small beet, 3 skinny celeries and 1/2 cucumber) I really love this juice and my Champion juicer has been with me for 15+ years and though my menu must change - well I didn't binge or stopped at Second St. Cafe for their divine sandwiches... or cookies...

I have to laugh at how many times I open my cabinet door where I kept dark chocolate chips, and Cheezits as if by magic I will find some quantity I have forgotten about... I actually stand in front of it and literally find myself sighing...

I did buy 4 slices of provolone cheese and ate it with a granny smith apple for snack...

Tomorrow's menu:
coffee with milk (there is nothing like coffee in the morning and though I use a french press and not the folger's style coffee makers - that aroma in the morning makes me a definite Pavlov research specimen - would I surprise anyone in saying that Folgers makes some of the nicest, enticing, heart warming commercials ever... To continue with breakfast I will have 1 slice toast and 2 scrambled eggs

sauteed onions, carrots, yellow squash and kale with garlic, indian spices that my Indian friend roasted and ground for me... and quinoa with garlic and coconut oil

apple or vegie/fruit juice for snack

chicken strips and brussels sprouts for supper.

Actually I eat like this 75-85% of the time. The other 25-15% I still don't eat toooo toooo terrible (except on not too often occasions when I need an eggnog shake from the golden arches - gawd my daughter was 4 before I ever took her to those alluring golden arches) (I was one of those moms that had a home birth and cooked infant food and nursed until my daughter was almost 3! Ok maybe that is TMI as my daughters would say) or the Cheez it box becomes my sit-by-me-while-I-read-companion, or I just have to bake that family recipe of chocolate chip cookies and instead of 4 there is now just 1 that indulges in their delight...

I am an interesting paradox...

Well, I've been thinking for (quite a long) while just why is it that I don't take myself seriously enough to do something about my weight. Just what would keep an intelligent woman in an uncomfortable outer trapping that isolates and depletes self-esteem... and health... and life not to mention living...

 

Reasons abound - some good, some exaggerated, some safe and some destructive... but it is not time for shaking loose the fragmented stories. Rather in this time of transformation and surprinsingly expansive available support, what I seek is to observe my response to changing my behavior. So I wish to  document and dialogue my journey, mostly because I want to be accountable to the truth of my experience. I am quite a master of self-sabotage and truth bending when it comes to cheating on my nourishing/nurturing intentions.

 

So here I go... I start now.

 

I wish to write my thoughts and feelings without too much consideration to being read so that I will not shy away from telling the bare truths... so...

 

I started today be drinking coffee and eating this very large divine piece of apple cake I made last night for a group of friends that unexpectedly stayed or were invited impromptu for supper. I must admit I enjoy cooking and camaraderie at the kitchen table. Sitting at my computer, checking out BraveHeart Women (thanks to a reminder email to do something about my intent to join), I pondered how to use this venue.

 

As I took my last bite of cake, I realized that I continue to "forget" to eat differently... ugh!!! really just how can I do that??? but it is true even if a lie... So this idea formed that I would challenge my patterns of delusion (I can stop any time I want, I will lose weight without any trouble one day, this scrumptous piece of anything is worth indulging...) and expose my self - bravely - to myself in this unique forum.

 

So my challenge (for the rest of today) is to remember that I will account what I have eaten on site... a more precise jog to remain aware...

 

Here's to me...

 

See you/me tomorrow...

 

Lili