Personal Exploration

Today I read several animal abuse stories that nearly made me go running for the hills again. In my mind, I threw up my hands and screamed "this is never going to stop no matter what I do!" And then I remembered to breathe. And when that wasn't enough I took another deep breath. As I write this, I'm breathing deeply again.

A man beats a 5 month old puppy nearly to death. All because somebody smacked him around earlier. A 5 month old puppy!

Some young girl microwaves a cat. 3 drunken men torture a cat and then weigh it down and throw it in the creek. A cop leaves his police dog in a hot car and the dog goes insane trying to get out before it finally dies.

How can I make it stop? Can I ever make it stop. Meanwhile the leader of my country has photo op of him eating seal meat. 70,000 licenses to kill wolves were issued in Idaho. (The wolf, btw, is my spirit animal.) Alaskan's are still aerial hunting wolves and I can't do a damned thing to stop it.

Men with tasers electroshock horses at a high school rodeo. And the Michael Vicks of the world continue to pit perfectly lovely dogs against each other in a "to the death" fight.

Why do I put myself through this? I read the stories, I cry, (I'm crying now!) I rant on my blog, I appeal to my friends on facebook and I try to make people see that if we just spoke together, we can change what is acceptable. But no one is listening. Does that mean I don't have the voice that people listen to? Does it mean I'm not saying it the right way, or in the right places? I know my friends dread it when I get on a campaign. My husband dreads it every time he catches me crying and tries to convince me to stop reading the stories or watching the videos. Both my best friend and my husband refuse to watch the same videos I watch or look at the pictures or even read the stories. They say they already don't agree with animal cruelty and that they don't need to read about it, see it or even hear about it. But isn't that sticking your head in the sand I ask?

Nothing ever changes. The cases of animal cruelty only seem to increase, never does a day go by when my google alerts don't have 25-50 new cases of animal cruelty.

So why am I doing this? I really just don't know the answer to that question. I'm not sure what my goal is, I don't have any idea why I feel compelled to continue in my campaign against crimes committed against animals. There's no reward, nor will there ever be. There's no successes, there's nothing I can hold up and proudly say I helped to achieve that!

I'm at a loss. But still, I continue on.

Today I got an email in my regular gmail account saying I had a new message here at BHW in my email. "What email is that?" ask I. I clicked the link and discovered I have an email account here! I didn't know! I had 14 friend requests sitting there. I didn't know!

So for those lovely women who befriended me and to whom I didn't respond, forgive me. I didn't know! I know now though and have responded in kind. Must explore this site further as there might just be some other wonderful surprises that I don't know about.

My resolve to keep this blog going on a daily basis as well as my gratitude journal has flown out the window like it always does. No matter though. Today's another chance to start again. BHW keeps me accountable so I can't just sweep it under the rug and pretend I never made the resolve 'cause nobody heard it but me, myself and I.

Since my last entry, I have re-designed my Elvis blog and I have taken back my presence in the animal advocates world with Taking on Animal Cruelty blog. I find myself again sobbing wretchedly whenever I'm forced to watch humans be cruel to animals or look at pictures of animals that have been abused. Fortunately I recognize now the need for me to be moved by this pictures so that my passion to make a difference is stoked. When my passion is stoked, my writing is passionate as well.

One of my favorite quotes: The Power of One is to do Something. Anything. So I'm trying to do something.

More later.

Today I am grateful for the following 5 things:

1. I am grateful for a great cup of coffee. I love coffee anytime of the day or night. Mmmm, fresh hot coffee, must go make a pot.

2. I am grateful for air conditioned cars. When we have a heat wave like the one we're having now, there's nothing better then getting into the car, cranking on the air conditioning and the Elvis CD, and just sitting there in complete comfort.

3. I am grateful for my job. I work for a great social service agency who does really meaningful work with at risk youth. My co-workers are the nicest people you ever want to know and my director is really an easy guy to work for. Speaking of the law of attraction, remember that when you left that horrible tech support job at Computer Associates and told the universe you wanted a job with a company that did noble work, money didn't matter so much, meaning mattered more. Remember that the ad for your job at PCRS (then NISHA) showed up in the paper the very next day and was yours within a week. The law of attraction really does work.

4. and so I am enormously grateful for the law of attraction and that it does work. It's how we got our house and it's how I found my husband, although I didn't know it at the time.

5. I am grateful for my two nieces who make me feel important and who I neglect more often then not. I need to do better by them but I am grateful that they are patient and loving with me and very forgiving. I am extremely lucky to have them and I am going to starting acting like it more consistently.

Today I am grateful for at least 5 things:

1. My new resolve to take control of my emotions, conduct myself in a way that makes me professional yet warm, kind and approachable worked like a charm today with the government auditor I was dreading having to meet with. Jumping to conclusions about a person based only on email and telephone conversations is a bad thing. Turns out she was very nice and just doing her job. I am grateful I was wise enough to take the time this morning to manifest the outcome before leaving the house.

2. Even though I know they are in it to make money too, I am grateful for all the internet and blogging mentors I have "acquired" lately. Sure I have to pay them to get their brain dumps but we're all here to make money so why should they? I've learned so much from them and have yet had a reason to complain of being ripped off.

3. I am so grateful for the Braveheart Women community that allows me to be myself here, to blog away about my own personal thoughts without prejudice and to feel like a sister to so many wonderful, caring, sharing women.

4. I am grateful to have a sensational friend and husband in Ken. I am so lucky and I don't acknowledge that nearly as often as I should nor do I tell him that nearly as often as I should.

5. I am grateful to whoever invented MP3 players. My grueling commute on a hot smelly skytrain would be a nightmare without Elvis singing to me and distracting me from the noise, the smell, the rudeness of other people and the sheer drudgery of riding the trains for an hour.

I predict tomorrow will bring me more adventure and leave me brimming with new ideas and projects.

Today I found myself feeling more uplifted and positive then I have in a long time. Despite the heat that usually makes me wilt and despite not having slept much again last night, I felt positively invigorated today with a new found confidence I haven't felt in a very long time.

Of course the teleconference call last night with Ellie and Sugar was a major contributor to that new found feeling of buoyancy. But it wasn't necessarily because I learned anything new. Besides the specifics of the Prosperity Hormone itself, I already knew a lot of what was talked about as I have been in touch with that feminine power in me before. I've had many teachers who have taught me this before but I had just forgotten about it. Ellie masterfully reminded me of it over the course of 90 minutes. I had several "ah ha" and "of course!" and "I knew that!" moments. I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ who finally gets that she had her way home the whole time. She always had it.

So tonight on the skytrain home, I was listening to Elvis on my mp3 player, my eyes closed to block out everyone else and pretty much smiling stupidly as I always do when I'm listening to Elvis. Suddenly a vision came into my mind that was so clear, so blue and so absolutely stunning in it's beauty and movement, for a moment it took my breath away. I checked and no, it wasn't that sexy hunk of burnin' love singing in my ear. It was me visualizing the production of the Prosperity Hormone in my own body! I thought "WOW! That feels so cool!" I actually felt about 20 lbs lighter for the few moments it lasted. I tried desperately to hold onto the vision but it faded away again pretty quick. A skytrain with Elvis doing that sexy thing of his in your ear is not exactly conducive to a focused visualization. I will definitely be working on this visualization some more as I believe that creative visualization really does work. What you put out comes back to you.

One of these days, I'll have to write about how I gave up my hang up about money, or the lack thereof. Creative visualization and choosing to change my mind about how I saw money was huge in changing my life from being short on cash all the time to always having enough. Choice is a very powerful word and an even more powerful action.

So today was a good day for me despite the heat that makes the fibromyalgia I live with so hard to bear. It feels like every single muscle in my body aches and if I move the wrong way, those muscles take off to into spasm land. One muscle starts and like a fuse to the firecrackers, they all start to cramp. That usually sends me spinning downward into a depression but I was having none of that today.

Despite having to deal with the most anal government employee I think I've ever come across and being so busy at work my mind spins with the to do list, I felt a renewed, ....not confidence because I never really lack for that even when I'm feeling my worst, but it was certainly a renewed desire to be present, focused and centered within myself. Sure, I felt overwhelmed at times but nothing I can't handle.

I'm hoping this is not just the euphoric day after affect and that tomorrow when I wake up, assuming I can sleep (another real problem with fibromyalgia), that I won't be back feeling like I'm dragging that cinder block around my ankles again.

Choice. I can choose differently. Must remember that in the morning.

Good Night John Boy! Good Night Ma!

Today I am grateful for:

1. The ton of opportunity to have a home based business that the internet offers. It's extremely difficult to learn but it keeps the mind sharp and keeps me interested in the next challenge.

2. For my dear cats, Jazzy and Chico who greet me at the door every evening when I come from work and act like they missed me so terribly all day. Their friendship is truly a blessing.

3. For Rose. One of the few women I know who seems to genuinely like me. Her friendship and devotion is priceless.

4. For electric fans. It's hot!

5. My home. There's a pillar in the middle of my house that separates the kitchen from the main hallway and dining room. Every once in awhile I feel the need to hug that pillar and tell my house how much I love it. We were so lucky to get a mortgage 5 years ago, this house in Surrey was a steal at the price we got it at and it immediately appreciated by more then 100 grand within the first year. I am so grateful for knowing what you want and knowing that you can attract that to you. That is exactly how we got this beautiful house.

My daily gratitude journal today includes:

1. I am extremely grateful for Ellie Drake and the community of Braveheart Women that have welcomed me into their midst. When I first heard of BHW the other day, I raced to the site to find out what it was about. The first person I saw was dear Maya Angelou who I love and adore. I knew instantly that if she was a part of this community, I wanted to be too. But I didn't want to make the committment to becoming a Core member because money is so tight now with Ken not working anymore and his disability pension not yet processed. Even $27.00 a month seemed like a lot when we're trying to get an online home based business going so Ken can do something and feel like a contributing member of the household.

Today, when we checked our mail, the government confirmed that a retroactive payment was being processed and would be deposited in our account soon. Whew! Then, I came in to listen to Ellie and Dr. Sugar for 90 minutes lead me through a life changing experience over the phone. Imagine! A phone call is all it was but it was so much more. Before it was over, I was signed up as a Core Member pledging my monthly pittance in order to fully join in this great community of like-minded women.

So my gratitude is immeasurable for this simple "led by the nose to do this" exercise.

2. I am so grateful for my husband Ken. He is difficult sometimes, moody, over sensitive and sulky but he supports me unfailingly.

3. I am grateful for the wonderful sunny warm weather we're having here in BC but wish it would rain so we can get those awful forest fires out in the interior. I don't care about the houses burning down so much. They can be replaced. I worry about the wildlife and the trees. Not so easy to replace.

4. I am grateful for the internet. Someone once said that my whole social life revolved around Facebook. I was terribly offended by this remark and told that certain someone which part of my butt they could kiss. It isn't true! Facebook is not the center of my social life. The entire internet is the center of social life and I love it!

5. I am grateful to be me. Complex, shallow, deep-thinker, funny, moody and smart, there's never a dull moment when I'm by myself and I pretty much enjoy me.

'nuff for today....

And what shall I use this blog for. I have only about 5 others around the internet that I'm struggling to keep updated. Will this be yet another one that will go on my list of to's?

No probably not because this one is personal and I won't be looking to monetize it. Monetized blogs need to be updated daily in order for Google to keep smiling at you, did you know that? They say when you work from home, you are own boss. Not so, say I! Google is my boss now and she's a hard taskmaster, that she is.

This blog here at BHW I think I will keep as an intimate exploration into my purpose as well as a brain dump. I'm 52 next month and I still don't know what my purpose is. I've been searching for years, reading every spiritual book I can get my hands on and for a few fleeting moments after completing a book, I think I've got it. Then bam! Destitute again. Guess that wasn't it.

After listening to the Prosperity Hormone Teleconference tonight with Ellie Drake and Dr. Sugar, I think I may have opened up the mystery box just a bit. It's possible I've been looking in all the wrong places for my purpose and using the wrong tools to find it. This time I don't want to just jump into the pool and start swimming though before I've let that half hour go by for my stomach to settle. If I set out to find my purpose this time, I want to make sure I actually find it without getting all wrapped up in a lot of hoopla and gobbley gook!

What is my purpose? I love to write but don't know that I write very well. I love to make people laugh but don't know that that's a purpose per se. At one time, I felt my life's purpose was to fight the good fight on behalf of animals. But that became too hard, too heartbreaking and too impossible to change the way of things. I gave it up. Oh I still fight the odd fight here and there but as a full time activists, I'm not sure I'm cut out for it. Beyond being a rock for my husband who is losing his eyesight and can no longer work, and since I've never had children, I just don't know what other purpose I can serve.

Lately I've thrown up my hands and declared in my new role as an atheist, "We have no purpose! We're born, we work, we die! That's all there is to it!"

But that doesn't feel right either although it's a great defense to hide behind. I thought I believed in God for a long time but as of late, I'm not so sure anymore. I read another blog recently called "How I lost my religion" and it was almost word for word what I was feeling and confirmed to me that I had lost my religion.

I want really to believe in a God but I don't actually believe there is a God. What I think made the difference was when my husband, who is a big outer space kind of guy, showed me a picture that was taken by the Hubble Space Telescope that was so totally breathtaking and made me feel like less than a grain of sand. How could I, this speck of dust, be of any concern to the Master of the Universe? It was that day I stopped believing.

Anyway, I shall continue to air my dirty spiritual laundry here as well as anything else that pops into my mind that needs spewing. A cleansing of the brain so to speak. Hopefully this will provide me a place to find myself, my purpose and my life's work.