Randi G. Fine's It's a Fine Life

Friendship is one of life’s greatest gifts. It is a fulfilling relationship that is shared by two people who care about each other, trust each other, and want only the best for each other. A good friendship is honest, loyal, and truthful; good friends understand and accept each other in ways no one else can.

A healthy friendship feels good to both parties. It is positive, supportive, and comforting whether times are good or bad. Friends see each other through the best of times and the worst of times, and through it all the relationship remains uplifting and fun. Friends make us laugh, feel good about ourselves; they enhance our life experience.

Sometimes an initially healthy, energizing friendship turns weighty and oppressive; the needy scale begins tipping in one direction and never balances back out. Being together is no longer fun—nearly every encounter becomes downright depressing. But your friend was there for you in the past and you feel obligated to be there for them now. The problem is that your debt never seems to get paid off.

If you are wondering whether or not you are saddled with an emotionally needy friend, consider the following questions:

1. Despite all your help does your friend always seem to be unhappy?
2. Are you helping your friend more than they help you?
3. Does your friend dominate every phone call or interaction by talking about their problems?
4. Does your friend show little or no interest in your life or your problems?
5. Does your friend make the same mistakes over and over or choose one destructive relationship after another?
6. Does your friend feel better after dumping on you and you feel worse?
7. Do you wish you could avoid contact with your friend?
8. Do you feel trapped in the friendship?
9. Do you dread every encounter with your friend, or does every encounter leave you feeling drained and exhausted?

You are probably a very good listener and want to be a good friend—you want to be supportive of whatever your friend is going through. That is understandable. But be clear on what it means to be a good friend and what it means to be supportive.

A healthy friendship is reciprocal and balanced; is requires an equal amount of give and take, time and effort. Good friends act as sounding boards for each other—issues bounce back and forth; they are not absorbed. A friendship is not a therapist/patient relationship.

Supportiveness with a friend leads to personal growth, not neediness. Supporting a friend means giving them a hand up, not a hand out. A good friend will appreciate your kind and generous efforts, not take advantage of them and become dependent on you. A good friend respects you—they do not want to be a burden on you.

Why do you allow yourself to remain in an unhealthy friendship? Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you need or like to feel needed?
2. Do you see yourself as the glue that holds people together?
3. Is a needy friend better than no friend at all?
4. Is your friend occasionally fun to be around so you justify their being a downer the other 90% of the time?
5. Do you see other people’s problems as more important than your own?
6. Do you take on other people’s problems to keep the focus off your own?
7. Do you feel unworthy of healthy relationships?
8. Do you feel guilty when you say no?
9. Do you have trouble defining and protecting your personal boundaries?

If your friend has been needy for a significant amount of time and the imbalance has become the pattern of your relationship, it will be very difficult to change the nature of your friendship. Whatever you give will never be satisfactory or enough for them.

They may have chased all their other friends away and you may be the only friend they have left, but that is not your problem—people have to learn to stand on their own two feet. You should never do for others what they are capable of doing for their selves. We should want to make our friends stronger and more self-sufficient, not weaker and more dependent. Sometimes that requires tough love.

There are ways to deal with a needy friend. Here are some suggestions:

1. Be honest. Tell your friend what is bothering you and how it is affecting you. Explain that you just can’t play that role anymore.
2. Change the nature of your relationship. Set boundaries and know when to say no.
3. Plan enjoyable things to do with your friend to change their focus. When the fun is over, the time together should be over. Do not let every friendly interaction end with you listening to their problems.
4. Suggest that they find some other friends, join clubs, or volunteer to take the pressure off of you. It is unreasonable for a friend to expect you to be their one and only.
5. Tell your friend that you have to focus on caring for your own needs and/or your family’s needs.
6. Take a hiatus from the friendship. You deserve a time out and you deserve to enjoy your life.
7. Keep yourself busy. Fill your schedule with plans, commitments, and time with other friends.
8. Gradually distance yourself from the friendship by spending less and less time with them.
9. Recommend that they seek professional therapy. If they are seeing a therapist that is not helping them, insist that they find another one.
10. Recommend that they see a doctor who can evaluate them and if necessary prescribe anti-anxiety or anti-depression medications.
11. If you have tried everything and nothing works, it is time to say goodbye to the friendship.

If you are in an unbalanced relationship with a needy friend there is no time like the present to remedy the situation. You will both benefit from your efforts. If you have a pattern of attracting and perpetuating these types of friendships, it is time to look inward and figure out why these types of friendships are acceptable to you. It is not healthy behavior and it often signals a bigger issue.

In my March 17, 2011 article, Synchronicity: Life’s Amazing Signs and Meanings I discuss the common expression, “There are no coincidences.” “Coincidental” experiences happen to us more frequently than we may realize, but they often go unnoticed for lack of our attention or our ability to understand the meanings. Whether you see these random, improbable occurrences in your life as signs or merely chance, you have to admit that sometimes they totally blow your mind! At times the message and/or the timing of it are so obvious that the meaning is clear and undeniable. Sometimes you intuit the importance, though you’re not sure exactly what it is.

Last week I had a hair salon appointment that had been scheduled late in the afternoon; a time that is untypical for me. The woman sitting in the chair next to me was friendly and commented on the unflattering effect of the fluorescent lighting over us. I agreed that the lighting was unbecoming to everyone’s skin tone. She introduced herself as Susan, I introduced myself, and a free flowing conversation was sparked.

One topic led to another and we found ourselves sharing the essences of our tragic, life altering stories about the drug addicts in our lives; the problems I had in the past with my ex-husband and the ongoing problems she has with her adult daughter. It was not a woe-is-me conversation, but testaments to the empowerment that adversity gave each of us and how we are using it to help others.

As a codependent specialist I often write and talk about the issues that keep people enmeshed in addictive, toxic, often dangerous relationships. When I’m asked what the turning point was that set me free, I always tell the following story:

I was in my late twenties, in my seventh or eighth month of pregnancy, desperately searching for ways to cope with my beyond hope, drug addicted husband, and make my marriage work. Each week I attended three twelve-step meetings along with other families experiencing problems with their drug addicted children or spouses. At one meeting, the group chairwoman pulled me aside and privately shared her wisdom with me. She said, “As the parent of an addict I am stuck with my problem for the rest of my life. I must find ways to cope with it. But you are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You have a choice…you can leave.” Though her suggestion may sound obvious, the option of leaving had never even occurred to me. I was busy trying everything I could think of to make my marriage work. But when it came down to it, it was her message that eventually saved me and my daughter’s lives.

That message, combined with the immense love I had for my two month old baby girl and my fierce maternal instinct to protect her, empowered me to take her and leave my downward spiraling, drug addicted husband. I had no money to legally defend us and was terrified of her father getting private visitations or shared custody. It was a long scary road, but it ultimately worked out in my daughter’s best interest. I am forever grateful for the way her life and mine turned out.

Whenever I think about the message that ultimately freed me from my codependent patterns, I also think about the life sentence parents of addicts are burdened with. Though I’m strong, I’m also a devoted mother. I can’t imagine the strength it must take for parents, showing the toughest love of all, to turn their addicted child loose when all hope for recovery is lost. I don’t envy having to make such a devastating decision; one that only comes after countless sleepless nights, and after innumerable, gut-wrenching efforts at helping their child to get sober fail.

After years of desperately trying anything and everything she could to save her daughter, Susan had made some very tough choices. When it finally came down to it, Susan had more dire concerns than her own relationship with her hopelessly addicted daughter. There was a little girl, her beloved granddaughter, whose precious young life was at stake. Susan’s number one concern was to keep her grandchild stable, safe, and happy; to keep the child out of the perilous home environment she had while living with her mother.

Susan and her husband fought the system at every turn, desperately trying to prevent CPS from taking the child and putting her in the foster care system, or sending the child back to an unstable, drug addicted home. The paternal grandmother was often asked by her drug addicted son and his girlfriend (Susan's daughter) to take care of the child, but that was a largely unsuitable environment for her as well - the grandfather, who also lived there, had previously served time in prison as a convicted pedophile.

Though they encountered one legal obstacle after another, Susan and her husband unyieldingly and inexhaustibly persisted, and won. They eventually succeeded in having her daughter’s parental rights terminated. At a time in their lives when under normal circumstances they would have the freedom to do as they please, they are now the legal, nurturing parents of their beautiful eight year old granddaughter. Susan is a working mother and her retired husband is a stay at home dad.

After having experienced so much adversity, running into one legal brick wall after another, Susan and her husband recognized a void in the system and decided to do something about it. They didn’t want other families to struggle and suffer as they had, trying to save at risk children and children caught up in the system. So they took action. They founded the nonprofit organization, Kids Have Rights. Now Susan and her husband tirelessly advocate for the safety and best interest of children who never before had a voice. This highly essential organization works to protect children, support caregivers, educate the public, and push for meaningful changes in the laws.

I don’t know why the universe brought Susan and me together at that particular time and place; perhaps for friendship, though I suspect there is a greater purpose. One should never doubt the strength of two empowered mothers! What I'm sure of and I say all the time, is that everything happens for a reason. We only have to open our eyes, ears, and minds to recognize the messages that keep us on our path to spiritual growth.

Kids Have Rights http://www.kidshaverightsblog.org
3/17/11 Synchronicity Article http://randigfine.com/?p=1858
Please visit http://www.randigfine to learn more about this writer and to read all her articles.

We steal if we touch tomorrow. It is God’s. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

Life is a journey, a path we take to self discovery and higher learning. Our dreams, wishes, and goals place us on this path and keep us moving forward. Everyone embraces their journey differently. Some set goals and aggressively beeline towards them. Some take a more passive approach; hope, dream, pray, or simply wait. Either way, most adults, those who have the will to live, continue to look toward a more promising future.

To many of us, what we have today never seems as satisfying as what we think we’ll have somewhere down the road when we reach our destination, the place where life will be all we’ve planned for or dreamed of. Seeing our lives from the point of one destination to another means basing our ultimate happiness, fulfillment and contentment on an end result. What happens when we reach our destination? How long will we continue to feel elated with our accomplishment? It won’t be long before the happiness of reaching that goal fades and another fulfillment fix is needed.

While looking for contentment, we find ourselves focusing on another goal and another goal and more after that. Happiness can never be achieved when it is result oriented. True happiness comes from living moment to moment. Fulfillment comes from the process of getting there.

In our high-speed world of technology and instant gratification we’ve grown impatient. We’ve lost tolerance for the processes of life. But nothing in life happens without a process. If it did, we’d never learn and grow. We have to trust that life will take us exactly where we need to go as long as we step back and allow it to happen. We have to teach ourselves the virtues of patience and acceptance; remind ourselves to savor the pleasure of anticipation.

In his book, The Tao of Pooh, Benjamin Hoff cites a passage from the story of Winnie the Pooh about Pooh being asked what his favorite thing is. Just as he’s about to answer, “Honey,” Pooh stops to contemplate his answer. “Well,” said Pooh, “What I like best” –“and then he had to stop and think. Because although eating honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were (eating it), but he didn’t know what it was called.”

Hoff writes, “The honey doesn’t taste so good once it’s been eaten; the goal doesn’t mean so much once it is reached; the reward is not so rewarding once it has been given. If we add up all the rewards in our lives, we won’t have very much. But if we add up the spaces between the rewards, we’ll come up with quite a bit. And if we add up the rewards and the spaces, then we’ll have everything – every minute of the time that we spent.

What we experience in this moment is what’s most important. Think about the choices you make moment to moment, the tiny decisions that link together, form a chain, and steer your course of life. Sure, you will encounter bumps and detours, but what you learn along the way is far more valuable and fulfilling than the end result of your goal.

Whenever you catch yourself projecting toward, or focusing on what you need to do in the next fifteen minutes, in an hour, tomorrow, or next year, remind yourself to pay attention to the moment. Look at the sky, look around you. Notice who is nearby and what they’re doing. Don’t let life pass you by, don’t rush through each moment on your way to something else. Be present in your life. Don’t try to anticipate what is going to happen next – you can’t possibly know. Just live in the moment.

The road to destiny is long and winding. Be sure to stop and savor the view as you ramble along the way.

http://www.randigfine.com
http://blogtalkradio.com/randi-fine

I started a "Love Your Life" tradition last year on my birthday with a list of What I Know to Be True on This Birthday. This being my 2011 birthday week, I have written a new list of twenty “What I Know to Be True’s.”

1. I know that the horror I feel watching September 11, 2001 rebroadcasts is equal to the horror I felt the day it happened. Ten years later, my emotions are still raw in regard to that unconscionable tragedy.
2. I know that I look much better when I wear makeup, but I really hate putting it on. Unfortunately, the older I get, the more I need it.
3. I know that I love my alone time and require a lot of it to be happy. For me, being alone is much less complicated than being with other people.
4. I know that neutral colored walls make a house much easier to sell. I learned that the hard way when I tried to sell my house with purple painted walls.
5. I know that the conversations I replay in my head are totally responsible for my true reality, and when I monitor those dialogues my life works much better.
6. I know that food bores me and I’m running out of ideas of what to eat. I wish I didn’t have to eat meals and that I could just eat cookies.
7. I know that if I didn’t like my furniture and my pet lizards so much I would get a cat.
8. I know that I can handle whatever challenges life throws at me, though I hope there aren’t too many more.
9. I know that reading glasses are a nuisance, but I wouldn’t want to sign a contract without them because I could sign away my life and not know it.
10. I know that I have raised two amazing children against all odds. Based on my past, the chance of accomplishing that was close to zero.
11. I know that a few drops of rain can sabotage all the effort it took to style my hair…though I refuse to keep a plastic hair bonnet in my purse and wear it in the rain like my mother does.
12. I know that everyone I have ever loved will be there to greet me after I take my last Earthly breath and go back to my eternal home.
13. I know that roses aren’t always red and violets aren’t always blue.
14. I know that I hate having to go to the gas station and put gas in my car. I either want “service with a smile,” or the ability to plug my car into an electrical outlet.
15. I know that my husband’s touch has been comforting and familiar to me since the very first time he held my hand. It is a feeling that goes well beyond the time we’ve shared together in this life.
16. I know that I will never clean anything with spit like my parents’ generation used to. How revolting!
17. I know that things don’t always go the way I planned…they usually go better. Ultimately, the outcome is always in my best interest.
18. I know that I am prone to motion sickness and am terrified of heights, therefore you will never…I repeat never…catch me riding a roller coaster.
19. I know that I never get tired of watching Seinfeld, King of Queens, and The Office reruns. I Love Lucy used to be on that list, but I have moved on.
20. I know that if I could have known the future I would have never changed the past. I am who I am because of it.

To read 2010's list, please go to http://randigfine.com/?p=293

The most difficult people in our lives end up being our greatest teachers. The hurdles they place before us and the challenges they present to us are only lessons that we must learn for our greater good. Think of the oyster…without the irritating grain of sand there would be no pearl. ~ Randi G. Fine
We all experience times of joy and times of suffering as we move through our lives. Life is a breeze during the happy times; we get to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. But we must ask ourselves how good would joy feel if we had no adversity to contrast it? The phrase, “nobody said life was easy,” was coined with good reason. The truth is, life is hard work…but the beauty of life is that it has many facets. We are constantly challenged to learn and grow. And as we rise to those challenges we become stronger, wiser and better human beings. The universe holds all the answers we will ever need. It’s all there for the taking if we watch, listen, and trust our intuition. I invite you to follow me on my journey as I explore the many paths to happiness, and the many avenues that will lead us to living life to the fullest. I wish you serenity and joy in your life.

http://www.randigfine.com

We cannot possibly realize the immense power that comes from our thoughts. What we focus on grows…that is the law of the universe. When we live our lives with gratitude or appreciation for what we have, we occupy our minds with positivity. When we focus on what we are lacking, our minds become filled with negativity that breeds thoughts of bitterness, jealousy, and resentment. Living a life of gratitude is what brings abundance into our lives. The more grateful we are for all gifts large and small, the more abundance we attract to us. Having gratitude means being thankful for the many gifts and blessing we have.

Many people say that they are grateful; still they find themselves experiencing negative thoughts when life doesn’t go the way they expect it to. And many people say that they have little to be grateful for, when in actuality they have much more than they think. It’s all based on point of view, and our point of view is something we consciously control. We all have the ability to shift our thinking. We can take any situation in life and find something good in it, if that is our inclination. Good and bad things happen in life every day. What outlook we choose to focus on is entirely up to us.

Quantum Physic studies are verifying that matter and reality can be changed by our thoughts. The Law of Attraction, one of the five fundamental principles of existence, tells us that “like attracts like.” It is a scientific fact that thoughts are energy. Neurons in our brain produce thought. So if energy follows energy, than energy follows thought. To put it in simpler terms, we attract what we put out. The universe isn’t biased – it doesn’t decide if a thought is good or bad. It just responds to the vibrations we put out there. When we live life with sincere gratitude and appreciation, we change the vibration of our energy and we attract more of what we want. How we think is what we get…and gratitude is the key.

When we focus on what we lack, we create blockages and limitations. We become imprisoned by the vibration of our negative energy. As a result, we attract what we think, which in this case is negativity, while repelling the very things we desire. No one would deliberately disrupt the flow of abundance that comes into their life. Those that do it don’t realize that they are doing it.

Some of us have already, or will gladly accept this truth at face value and apply it. For skeptics and naysayers, the only proof is the proof itself; living a life of gratitude is the only way to prove its effectiveness and to understand the immense power of it. The universe is infinitely abundant…we just have to allow it and learn how to work in harmony with it. We accomplish this through the practice of positive thinking; through a conscious effort to “go with the flow.”

Having gratitude does not mean denying that problems exist. The experiences and challenges we face in the course of our lifetimes are many. What is does mean is incorporating a simple practice that makes it easier to accept these experiences. The gift of empowerment comes once gratitude is firmly placed in our lives. Then we have that accomplishment to add to the list of things we are grateful for. It is an endless cycle that goes round and round. Developing this practice and changing our perspective, therefore allowing abundance to flow, opens us up to all the possibilities that exist in the universe. The ultimate goal is to keep the abundance in a constant flow. We never want to hoard our abundance; that will only block the flow. By sharing our gifts, we stay in harmony with the universe.

One of the most important messages to take away from all of this is that the universe has perfect timing. Everything happens when it is supposed to, not because we want it to. Honoring that universal truth will soften the blow of every disappointment we may face in life. To quote Brian Tracy, “Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.”

Excerpted from 5/31/11 Blog Radio Talk Show A Fine Time for Healing http://www.blogtalkradio.com/randi-fine , How to Attract What You Want in Life: Gratitude and Abundance http://tinyurl.com/6b5sjem

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Do you remember being a child and asking your teacher or parent why you had to learn something that you’d never use in life? A child’s world is small; their limited perspective is based on the quality of love they receive, what their senses tell them, and what they have experienced in their young life. Busy playing, experimenting with interpersonal relationships, and discovering how the world works, a child could care less what their life purpose is.

We are granted seventeen years to “try life on for size.” Once we turn eighteen, we are expected to actually “wear” it. Suddenly we find ourselves faced with the responsibility of navigating the world on our own. We begin to realize that we are, in essence, a lone wanderer on an uncharted path. If we have had the advantage of positive parenting, our foundation of self-esteem and the continuity of family love will support our efforts. If we haven’t, the future may look like a frightening place. But either way, along with all the joy and love that life has to offer, we will all eventually come face to face with adversity.

Every one of us has pondered the purpose of life; why we are born, why we struggle, and what happens after we die. If we fail to dig deeper, life will not make sense, it will have no meaning. Are we just tiny meaningless entities in the universe who die and then are recycled into the earth without leaving a trace? This couldn’t be farther from the truth. As in many other instances of analysis, we must always look at the bigger picture.

There is a greater plan for everything that has or will ever exist. Human beings are the physical manifestation of evolving souls. Our bodies are the vessels that allow us to experience life. We are spiritual beings who are one with the universe. The universe is perfection exemplified; human beings are not.

Our souls progress through what we experience while in our physical bodies. Adversity is how we learn and grow in life. Our lives would be pointless without it. There is no suffering or adversity in the beautiful, blissful, spiritual realm, our true home where we spend most of eternity. We make the choice to keep coming back to Earth School so we can experience life to enlighten and advance our souls. We thoughtfully pre-outline the lessons we need to learn and the people that will assist us in that learning process. Because we make these decisions while in a place of serenity and cannot remember how difficult life as a human may be, our souls may take on extremely difficult challenges.

No two souls seek the same experiences; that’s why no two people are alike. We are here to work things out; to grow through challenges and rise above adversity. Every one of us is here on an important mission that only we can accomplish. With that said, we all have free will; once we are here we are able to decide how our life will play out. But with the knowledge that we will inevitably need to jump certain hurdles, we might as well face things head on. In the face of adversity we must look our problems square in the eye, and then pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and resume the act of living.

So what is our purpose in life? Our purpose is to love, learn and experience as much as possible so that we may fulfill our mission of further enlightening our souls. Our purpose is to grow through the many challenges we face while knowing that life as we know it is very temporary. And in the end, when we have completed our journey, we get to go home.

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For the last two weeks I have been glued to the television screen, watching the trial of alleged child killer Casey Anthony. She is on trial for murdering her daughter, and is now facing the death penalty. What is it about this trial that is so captivating? There isn’t any happy ending to anticipate. All anyone hopes for is justice for the tragic, senseless death of Caylee, a beautiful two year old little girl. As a human being and a mother, I am hoping that Casey will never again see the light of day…at the very minimum. As a spiritual person I trust that God has it covered, one way or another.
I remember the first time Nancy Grace brought this crime to light. What struck me immediately, and probably everyone else that was watching, was the vastly opposing emotions between Casey, the little girl’s mother, and Cindy, the little girl’s grandmother. When Cindy discovered that Caylee had been missing for thirty-one days, she was an emotional wreck, as anyone loving grandmother would be, and any mother should be. But Casey was cool as a cucumber, emotionally disconnected. She told one outrageous lie after another about what had happened to her precious daughter. She led the police detectives on wild goose chases, claiming that she could prove her lies, and everyone of them led to nowhere. She continues to hold the truth hostage; even under the threat of the death penalty. One way or another it is apparent that she intends to take the truth about what happened to her precious daughter, to the grave.
Casey has destroyed her parents and brother, apparently with no remorse, by taking their granddaughter and niece away from them. Caylee was the light of all their lives. It appears as if Casey has not suffered anything from any of this, outside of feeling sorry for herself. She is like a vampire who has forever sucked the joy out of her family. They will live in darkness for the rest of their days. She doesn’t seem human, she obviously does not have a conscience. Casey’s father George attempted suicide, because he wanted so badly to be with Caylee, but failed. Then, as if she hadn’t tortured ther family enough, she is now blaming her highly suspicious behavior on having been molested by her father and brother. And then she had the gall to accuse her father of participating in Caylee’s death and the cover up after it. She has destroyed her entire family – still they rally around her. They know in their hearts that she is guilty - understandably, they just can’t bear to lose another loved one.
The media has sensationalized the story and made a specticle out of the Anthony family. Why? Because people want to know the truth. We just can’t wrap our heads around any aspect of this story. Nothing is relatable to us, nothing about it makes sense, beginning with the fact that single mom Casey never told anyone who Caylee’s father was. This is a story about secrets and lies. We want to know the truth about what really happened to Caylee, but it has become more and more apparent that we never will. The only thing that will make us look away is a guilty verdict for Casey. People want Casey to pay for what she did to her child, and for the cold-hearted way she did it. That will be the only aspect of this story that would make sense to us. Then maybe we could begin to let it go.
The trial is close to wrapping up. Perhaps there will be a verdict by next week. If the jury believes that there is reasonable doubt, Casey Anthony may be sentenced to a prison term, but maybe not to death . I would hate for that decision to be resting in my hands.
Whatever happens, I know that ultimately, God is in charge. No deed, whether good or bad, ever goes unrecognized. There will be justice for Caylee…of that I am sure.
May your beautiful soul rest in peace, Caylee. You will not be forgotten.
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The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hand of God. ~ Quoted in The Angels’ Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994
In 2004 my husband was in the market for a mid-seventies Corvette or Trans Am to add to his antique car collection. He saw an advertisement in the newspaper that looked interesting from a private owner that was selling a Trans Am. He called the number and a woman answered the phone. She told my husband that the car had been her husband’s but he had suddenly died a few days ago. Everything had happened so suddenly. She hadn’t even buried him yet. Still, she said he should come by and take a look at it.
I had no interest in my husband’s car hobby. He had been looking for awhile by himself – it really didn’t matter to me what car he decided to buy. But it was the weekend, the woman’s house was an hour’s drive away, and he asked me to take a ride with him. I agreed to go along.
The woman had a very nice house, nestled on a wooded lot. A very lovely blonde in her fifties answered the door. She told us that the car was in the garage on the side of the house. She said that the garage had been her husband’s special place. He had turned it into a museum for his many collectibles. She opened the garage door and we were invited to look around. Knowing nothing at all about the Trans Am, she handed my husband the keys and told him to pull it out onto the driveway where he could look it over. While he was absorbed in examining the engine, the two of us stood nearby and chatted.
She told me that she and her husband had always been very close. It had just been the two of them; they had no children. The woman said that the reality of her husband’s death hadn’t fully hit her yet. She didn’t know how she would handle everything without him. I said the only thing I could think to say to console her. “Everything will be okay” I said, repeating it about three times in the course of our conversation because it seemed to comfort her. I asked if she had felt her husband’s presence around her; that he probably was still with her. She said she had been talking to him, but didn’t feel like he was there. Just then the telephone rang. She excused herself and went into the house.
When she came back outside she had a look of relief on her face. She looked curiously at me and said, “I know now that everything will be okay.” I asked her what had changed, how she knew that. Did it have something to do with the phone call she had just received? She said no, it had happened after she hung up the telephone. She said, “I was standing in the living room when I suddenly heard my husband’s voice say, ‘Everything will be okay. He used the same exact words that you did. Now I know that it’s true.” She said, “You are the angel he sent to me to deliver those words. You were brought to me for that purpose.” I gave her a hug and she smiled serenely. Then she looked at me and said, “I can’t thank you enough for coming. You are right…I am going to be just fine.”
I had no doubt.
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"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can; all of them make me laugh"~ W. H. Auden

A few days ago I went to visit my ex-mother-in-law, along with my daughter Cammy (her granddaughter) who was in town for the weekend. I usually visit Cammy’s grandmother three or four times a year for various reasons. I have known her for thirty-one years and have been divorced from her son for twenty-five of them.

We haven’t always been close; there were years when our relationship was strained and we didn’t speak at all. Many factors, including proximity and issues surrounding my divorce to her son, contributed to the lapses. We both suffered a lot of hurt and tragedy over the years from my ex-husband who has since passed on. Though our relationship may have been distant from time to time, I always nurtured and encouraged her relationship with my daughter. I have healed and moved on with my life - she has not. She is merely a shell of the woman she used to be…but she hasn’t lost all of her spunk.

This is a woman who was known for her outrageous personality; loud, funny, showy, attention seeking, and brutally honest. One never knew what would come flying out of her mouth or when it would happen. Through the years I’ve been embarrassed, insulted, and lambasted by her, but I have also laughed until I thought my sides would split open. There were just as many times that she loved, doted on, respected, and praised me. With maturity I have learned to overlook her guileless comments and look to the truly kind woman that lies beneath.

It is a good thing that I understand where she is coming from and that I have a sense of humor about myself, otherwise I would have been furious over what she said to me the other day. She was trying to be funny, but her comment didn’t land quite the way I believe she intended it to.

Over the past six months I have been experiencing some weight gain. I know it’s related to hormones…I am at that age. But having always had a thin and shapely body that was easy to maintain, I am not accepting this change very well. I don’t mean to insinuate that I am largely overweight; I just feel like I woke up in the wrong body and can’t seem to find my way back.

So, my daughter and I walked into her grandmother’s apartment the other day, and the first thing she blurted out upon seeing me was, “You’ve gained weight!”

I laughed…she wasn’t telling me something I didn’t know, though I was secretly hoping it wasn’t that noticeable. I explained what was going on with me, and then the topic moved on and the focus was redirected. Despite the seemingly insulting greeting, she was clearly happy to see us, interested in what I had to say, and she praised me many times.

Cammy and I stayed for a little over an hour, and then hugged, kissed, and said our goodbyes. As we were about to walk out the door to leave, my ex-mother-in-law suddenly revisited her opening sentiment and shouted, “Goodbye Fatso!” Once again I started laughing, considering the source. Then Cammy and I left.

My daughter was appalled after hearing what her grandmother said to me. Once we were alone and out in the hallway, she looked at me dumb-struck. “That was so mean! I can’t believe she just said that to you!” she proclaimed. “Her comment didn’t bother me…it was just Grandma being Grandma. She was just trying to be funny… she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings,” I responded,undaunted.

The next morning I received a follow-up telephone call regarding our visit. She wanted to tell me how much she enjoyed our visit and how great it was to see us. She never made reference to the “Fatso” comment, but she did make a point of telling me how beautiful she thoughtI looked, and told me not to lose a pound. I knew she spoke with sincerity…the art of lying is definitely not her forte.

It wouldn’t have mattered to me if she had called the next day or not; I know who I am…and I know her heart.

The scenario was truly hilarious… I laugh every time I replay it in my head. I have added it to the list of the outrageous antics that I’ve witnessed from her over the years, and I am grateful to have those colorful,comical memories to recall.

Humor may present itself in the oddest ways. We have to learn to laugh at ourselves, and we have to learn to laugh at life.

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For a more in depth study of the characters in this article, please read my memoir, Fine…ly: My Story of Hope, Love, and Destiny, available as a paperback or e-book through Amazon.com http://tinyurl.com/4479qrt

“Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem and not my problem. It is the way you see the world. It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not with me.” ~ Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements.

Why do most of us find it so difficult in the face of an insult to not take it personally? The concept of “Not taking things personally,” is easy to understand but very hard to apply.

The first thing to remember is that we can’t control what others say to us, but we can control our reaction. That is easier said than done. When someone demeans our character, insults us, or gives us a backhanded compliment, our natural response is to question our own worth. We analyze their comment, trying to figure out why that person said what they did and if we deserved it. Why do we consider the validity of others’ viewpoints when they criticize us?

Everyone views the world differently and everyone has opinions. What is important to remember is that opinions are just opinions; they are not absolute truths. They are based on a variety of influences that have nothing to do with us. Others’ comments are projections of their own issues and inadequacies, they are not about us. Still it is very difficult to not take offense.

Many of us fear rejection. When we take things personally, we take a rejection that is not about us and make it about us. We give away our personal power and disrespect our integrity. This reaction is based on our own insecurities, our need for acceptance and approval, and/or from unresolved issues. Few of us are 100 percent happy with ourselves, we all have weak areas. This feeling of inadequacy, no matter how miniscule, allows the ill-intentions of others to cause us to question our self-worth.

The best way to retrain our responses is to retrain our mind. It takes practice and strength to change the pattern. The word “Me” is a key factor in our awareness. Whenever we hear ourselves saying something like, “How could they say that to me,” recognize that we have personally taken on the importance of the statement. We have to accept that not everyone will like us, and that we don’t have to go out of our way to please others to be liked. When we heal our sore spots we are better equipped to let things roll off our back.

“When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many upsets in your life. Your anger, jealousy, and envy will disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you don’t take things personally.” ~ Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements.

Love Always,
Randi

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Parenting is far from easy; it takes consistency and tenacity. While raising children, we plant many seeds in them and hope they will grow. It is difficult to know how we are doing as parents and what the end results will be, because these seeds take many years to cultivate. We may feel like we are not getting through or making a difference, but have no fear. We get out of our children exactly what we put in to them. It is often not until they leave the nest that we see the fruits of our labor.

My two children are grown, but when they were young they were very different, as most siblings are. My oldest was mature, even tempered, compliant, and self-motivated. She was always a high achiever. My youngest was needy, mouthy, quick to anger, and only motivated in the things that gave him pleasure. He never applied himself in school. Parenting my oldest was very easy, but not so for my youngest. He required a great deal of patience, understanding, and guidance. Interestingly, they both turned out level-headed, self-motivated, high-achieving, grounded, and highly self-sufficient.

One of my philosophies in raising children can be likened to that of walking a dog. You give them the freedom of as much lead on the leash as they can handle, but carefully watch them and shorten the leash as needed. Children need room to move, think, and express themselves as individuals. When parents are overly strict or dictate every move for their children, the children will eventually rebel, often in ways that are unsafe. And they never learn to think for themselves or stand on their own two feet. As parents we never want to give our children reason to rebel. In fact, we should give them every reason not to rebel.

Here are twenty parenting tips. I was very successful in using them; I hope you achieve the same results.

Love Always,

Randi

1. Always think before you speak. Your child will absorb every word you say, whether it appears that they are listening or not.
2. Be impeccable with your word. Don’t threaten then not keep your word. Don’t promise and then renege. These actions are very confusing for a child. They will become angry and distrustful.
3. Teach by example. Your children will do as you do. If you yell, they will yell. If you hit, they will hit. If you make unhealthy choices, they will do the same.
4. Be clear and consistent in your expectations. Children feel safe when they know and understand their limits.
5. Teach your child to develop clear emotional boundaries. They should have a healthy sense of what is and what is not acceptable behavior to tolerate from others. Show them by example by demonstrating the boundaries that exist between the two of you. Do not mesh with your child.
6. Be strong as steel for your children. Give them a secure, safe place to fall when life hurts. Never let your child see you fall apart when they are hurting. That is when they need you the most.
7. Be your child’s greatest advocate. Put your own insecurities aside and always stand up for your child’s best interests.
8. Encourage the development of your child’s inner beauty. Teach them to be kind, understanding, fair, and loving. In the scheme of things, that is much more important than their outer beauty.
9. Use every life example possible to demonstrate faith and hope for your children. Allow them to experience some disappointments so that they develop the skills to deal with whatever challenges life may throw at them.
10. Be open, available, and nonreactive. If your child fears the reaction they will face when they tell you the truth, they will learn to lie. And when they lie, they are in danger of making bad decisions and succumbing to negative outside influences.
11. Listen carefully to what they say. Read between the lines.
12. Love your children unconditionally. Encourage, don’t judge.
13. Plant seeds of self-love and self-esteem in your child. If your child is not as successful as he/she can be in school, tell them that they are smart anyway. Accentuate their strengths and their potential for success. They will eventually incorporate that thought into their self image and rise to it.
14. When you disapprove of something they are doing, discipline the behavior but never tell the child that they are bad. If you tell them that they are bad, they will be bad. They believe every word you say.
15. Do your best to demonstrate optimism for your children.
16.Never rehash old issues with your child. Never say, “I told you so.” Approach everything from this day forward.
17. Your child should never be more concerned about you, than you are about them. Be the parent, don’t be needy with your children.
18. Be vulnerable; show your child that you aren’t perfect. Admit some of your mistakes past and present. If you share things that you did, whether right or wrong ,when you were younger, your child will relate to you better. They will find you more approachable.
19. Pick your arguments. Remember that children go through stages. As long as their choices don’t cause irreparable damage or bodily harm, the less emphasis you place on these temporary issues, the faster they will grow out of them on their own.
20. When your child is using drugs, drinking, or doing something potentially dangerous, use tough love IMMEDIATELY! Nip it in the bud before the problem takes on a life of its own. Revoke all priviledges: cell phone, car, computer, video games, etc. Evaluate their friendships and make changes if necessary. Make them earn their priviledges back. Be clear in sending the message that this behavior is unacceptable. Never withdraw love. These are the times they need the most support. As much as they will fight against what you are doing, they will always know that you are acting out of love and in their best interest.
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Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” ~ Mark Twain. We are all likely to be wronged by others more than a few times in the course of our lifetime. Living in this imperfect world we will surely find ourselves faced with the dilemma of forgiveness, over and over.

When someone that matters to us is hurtful, we will naturally feel painful emotions such as anger and sadness. We may find ourselves dwelling on the injustice of the situation and holding grudges. Gradually these negative feelings overshadow the positive feelings in our lives, leaving us filled with resentment. This leads to spiritual paralysis and detrimental physical destruction. The stress of these self-defeating attitudes may wreak havoc on our immune system, raise our blood pressure, and possibly lead to substance abuse. We may find ourselves suffering from anxiety and depression. By clinging to the pain of the past, allowing the wrongdoing to define us, we allow the joy of the present to pass us by. Life may begin to feel meaningless. If we are consumed by the past, our bitterness may infiltrate and impede every new relationship, every new experience.

The decision to forgive is not an easy one. It may be challenging, especially when the wrongdoer does not offer a sincere apology or show heartfelt remorse for their actions. Forgiveness is a hard concept for many of us to grasp, on the surface it may seem like we are handing someone a “Get Out of Jail Free Card,” giving them permission to have crossed the line with us. But forgiveness is all about our peace of mind. It doesn’t justify the wrongdoing, it releases us from the grip that hinders our well-being. It takes away the power we have given to the other person, releases the negative hold they have over us. Forgiveness is a promise we make to ourselves to change our life, allowing serenity, happiness, and healing to flourish.

We can sincerely forgive someone without excusing their actions. Compassion, taking the other person’s circumstance into consideration, is important. Putting ourselves in their shoes may be a very helpful healing tool. We should also look at the emotional energy we have expended on the betrayal; is it proportionate to the offense? Forgiveness is a process that takes time; in the end it is our choice whether or not to share our forgiveness with the person who wronged us. In some cases reconciliation may be impossible or inappropriate.

Through the act of forgiveness we learn empathy, understanding, and respect. When practicing forgiveness we must be mindful that there will be times when we will want to be forgiven. How can we ask for something that we are unwilling to give? We must always remember to show the mercy, faith, and love that we expect from others.

Love Always,
Randi

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My book, FINE…LY: MY STORY OF HOPE, LOVE, AND DESTINY is available through Amazon.com, my website, for Kindle, and for Nook. To learn more about my compelling story, please visit my website.

One would think that by the time we reach our fifties, our abilities and hidden talents would have already become apparent. Well that may be true for many, but it wasn’t true in my case. What is odd is that before it happened to me, I had always looked upon the talent that suddenly sprung from my being as boring; one of life’s dreaded, occasional necessities. Surprisingly for me, that prior task has now become my passion. That passion is writing.

It all started when I decided to pen my memoir. The decision to write a book was based on the whisperings of my inner voice, not from the love of writing. I didn’t know how I would execute my plan, I just felt that I had to do it. I gradually navigated the uncharted waters of authorship, learning through trial and error as I went along. Before long I was smitten with the craft and diligently working on my manuscript eight or more hours each day, seven days a week.

The “push” that drove me to become a writer and to tell my story started with the urging of others. I heard the comment, “You really should write a book,” more times than I could count from those who met me and were intrigued by my story. Life itself being a fascinating story, many of us have been told that. So why was I so compelled to act on it, to take on the challenge?

The truth is that I wanted to give a voice to the loved ones in my life whom, for various reasons, could never speak their deepest thoughts for themselves. I wanted to salute all the unsung, sometimes tragic, heroes that have dramatically affected the outcome of my life. I wanted my daughter to know the story of the early years of her life. And I wanted to expose my trials and tribulations to others with the intention of offering them hope for a brighter tomorrow. These were my intentions when I began the manuscript of Fine…ly. I didn’t know that there was so much more to it.

As I went along with my writing, I began to discover that the words were not always my own. They often came through me as if I was channeling from another source. And as I learned to trust that source, I began asking for help in “filling in the blanks.” The answers always came. Once I was half-way through telling my story, mysterious, paranormal experiences started happening. It became obvious to me that I was definitely not alone in this endeavor. I suspected, and before long came to the realization, that my book was divinely inspired; apparently I was chosen as the vessel that would bring this project to fruition. It was hard to deny that there were greater purposes for sharing my story, perhaps even for the life experiences I’d been given, than I could ever fully comprehend. There had to be a plan.

As I was nearing the end of the first draft of my manuscript there was an occurrence in my life, one that can only be described as miraculous. This brought long overdue closure for me (thirty years to be exact), and the perfect timing of this miracle allowed me to add it as a surprise ending to my book. Now I had even more confirmation that this book was meant to be.

After two years of writing, editing, and revising, Fine…ly was published in October 2010. Since then I am learning that my book is impacting its readers in profound and healing ways. I have heard the same statement over and over, “I am not getting enough sleep, I can’t put your book down!” Even my own family has experienced an unanticipated healing that would not have been possible without the publishing of Fine…ly.

It has been, and continues to be, an amazing experience for me. I don’t know what’s in store for me or my book, but the mystery certainly makes life exciting!

Love Always,
Randi

My memoir, FINE…LY: MY STORY OF HOPE, LOVE, AND DESTINY is available through the home page of this website, Amazon.com, and as an ebook for Kindle and Nook. Learn more about FINE…LY on It’s a Fine Life’s home page.

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The attraction we have to other people is often felt immediately upon meeting them. Think about the people you know or have met in your life who seem to naturally draw people to them with an unexplainable magnetism. These people give off a vibe that makes us feel, comfortable, happy, and energized in their presence. They exude an inviting sense of compassion and support. Open-hearted, authentic, kind, and loving people seem to have a harmonious air around them. In the workplace, those that enjoy their jobs give off happier vibes then those who don’t.

By contrast, we have all experienced meeting people for the first time who make our skin crawl, give us the creeps. What about the psychic vampires who, just by being in their presence, seem to suck our energy and drain us or make us feel ill? Some people instantly put us on guard, make us feel attacked or demeaned. We may find ourselves questioning their intentions, and feel uptight, guarded, and anxious around them. Have you ever had the sense that you needed to get away from someone but you didn’t know why you felt that way? Those who impact us this way are rarely conscious of what they are doing.

Whenever we come into contact with another person we exchange energy. The energy that other people emanate can profoundly influence our health and our state of mind.

The energy that surrounds each and every one of us is called our aura. The aura consists of seven layers, and reflects aspects of our being such as health, vitality, emotions, psychological patterns, and spiritual nature. Auras are specific to each person; they are our spiritual signatures. Our auras are not separate from us; they are reflections of who we are at any given time. The aura that surrounds each of our bodies, often referred to as ”The Human Energy Field,” is a collection of electro-magnetic radiation, spanning from microwave, infrared to ultraviolet light. It normally extends between three and eight feet out from our bodies, though it could be more or less. Our human energy field is more powerful than we can ever imagine.

The colors and intensity of our auras have very special meanings. Our auras reflect our attitudes, therefore they are constantly changing. The colors perceived by the eyes, or instruments that can see them, appear as a spectrum of light ranging from shades of red to shades of violet. They can also be brown, black, or white. It is the shade and intensity of the color that reflects a positive or negative condition. Brighter, lighter auras indicate levels of optimism, spirituality, and health. White is the perfect color, the Divine Light, perfect balance and harmony. Duller colors may indicate blockages, unresolved issues, illness, guardedness, fatigue, and negativity. Black auras can reveal a range of human conditions. A clear, jet black aura often appears in energy workers and can signify mystery, power, dignity, and potential. Dull black may denote an unkind or dishonest nature, but can also represent insecurity, depression, fear, grief, poor health, secrecy, or deception. This is what is manifested when there is a disconnection from, or disruption of the flow of our life source.

The aura is a reflection of the nature of our body and soul. Auras can be vibrant, expansive, and beautiful, or they can be close to the body, murky, and threatening.

Our aura is our personal bodyguard. It is important that we keep strengthening our auras in order to protect ourselves against energy zappers and illness. Our auras can be strengthened through meditation, healthy living, and sunlight. Chanting, and listening to comforting, relaxing music such as classical, religious/spiritual, or new age are healing tools. The use of positive affirmations that resonate with our spirit can be a very effective way to keep our auras strong and healthy. It is very important to eliminate negative thoughts and unnecessary stress from our lives. There are many other ways to accentuate the positive energy in our lives; smudging with sage, essential oils, flower essences, crystals, and bathing or swimming in salt water are a few more examples. We should always be mindful of or limit our exposure to negative people, places, and things.

All of us have the ability to tap into the energy force that will keep our lives in a positive light. Always remember to surround yourself with good vibrations!

Love Always,
Randi


If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe to It’s a Fine Life http://www.randigfine.com
My book, FINE...LY: MY STORY OF HOPE, LOVE, AND DESTINY is available through Amazon.com, my website, for Kindle, and for Nook. To learn more about my compelling story, please visit my website.

Many of us, myself included, have suffered through difficult childhoods. It is with greater clarity that we are able to evaluate our past from an adult perspective. Though we may be cognizant of the root of our pain, our childhood experiences were tightly woven into the cloth that made us who we are today; they are imbedded in the fibers of our being. But those of us that have done the painstaking work know that healing is very possible. We can reweave our own cloth.

While working through my own childhood issues I wrote a song called, Blossom, Grow, and Soar. On behalf of children everywhere and forevermore, I’d like to share these words.

Love Always,
Randi


Blossom, Grow, and Soar

I might be small today, but what I have to say may touch you in a way you never felt before.

You gave my life to me, I love you completely. I trust with certainty that you will love me too.

It’s so safe to know that you love me, and I can blossom, grow, and soar. Just give me a happy, strong foundation, and the wilted child will exist no more.

Respect me like your peers. I’m there with open ears, a child that always hears and believes in what you say.

I need you always near. You calm my deepest fears. Good parents always hear the things children can’t say.

It’s so safe to know that you love me, and I can blossom, grow, and soar. Just give me a happy, strong foundation, and the wilted child will exist no more.

Sweet words are inspiring, harsh words are deafening. This child needs pampering, give all the love you have.

Be gentle everyday, love me in every way. Please listen what I say and you’ll know what I need.

It’s so safe to know that you love me, and I can blossom, grow, and soar. Just give me a happy, strong foundation, and the wilted child will exist no more.

Be there with open arms, shield me from pain and harm. Just keep me safe and warm, I count on you for this.

I might be small in size, but just look in my eyes and you will realize the depth I have inside.

It’s so safe to know that you love me, and I can blossom, grow, and soar. Just give me a happy, strong foundation, and the wilted child will exist no more.

copyright 1996 Randi Fine

All Rights Reserved

If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe to It’s a Fine Life http://www.randigfine.com
My book, FINE...LY: MY STORY OF HOPE, LOVE, AND DESTINY is available through Amazon.com, my website, for Kindle, and for Nook. To learn more about my compelling story, please visit my website.