"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..." Dr. Seuss

Decisions! I'm not the best at making them. Sometimes I think I like something...but I'm never really sure. I drive myself and my family crazy talking myself in and out of something. It's agonizing for them...and for me...but so many decisions...even simple ones... feel like a matter of life and death. I'm never really sure if I need it...want it...or even like it.

But there is something I know for sure....something I figured out these last few months...since I finally told what happened....and published my story...and won an award....and recieved so much support -

I want to use what happened to make a difference for someone else.....to give hope and show that nothing is impossible to overcome: not drugs, or the streets, or an eating disorder...or anything. Sometimes it seems like things will never change and sometimes things may not always work out in the ways I want...but the Light does come on...and things do change....and freedom is possible.

People tell me I'm a good writer. I didn't know that. All I know is I couldn't talk...and writing has helped me have my voice. Through writing...maybe I can say other things...things which I've never been able to openly talk about. It goes beyond my personal story to systems and how they run.....

Inside me.....there's a quiet whisper that pulls and tugs....pushing me to not be afraid to say those things I've never been able to voice....and maybe...just maybe I can make a difference for someone else.

"If you hear the dogs, keep going. If you see the torches in the woods, keep going. If there's shouting after you, keep going. Don't ever stop. Keep going. If you want a taste of freedom, keep going."Harriet Tubman

Harriet Tubman born a slave.....had no rights...forced to do what someone else wanted....living less than human...a miserable life.....letting others define her worth...

A slave....subjected to the whim of those who claimed ownership over her. Like a dog chained and bound to another. But somewhere deep inside, she knew - she was born to live free. She wouldn't stay a slave....no matter what anyone said. She fought...closed her ears to those who said she couldn't do it.....risked her life....risked everything....to be free.

Funny thing....once she got free.....she went back....risked her life again...wanting others to find freedom too. Harriet Tubman....a slave....a woman....a black woman.....a hero.

I think I feel what Harriet Tubman must have felt. That fighter mentality...fightin g to be free....knowing inside it's my right....everyone's right. It's how He created us....to live free...to be our own person....choosing the life we want...not letting anyone or anything define who we are or who we become.

I won't let what happened define me anymore. I won't let shame or fear force me to live less than human. And I'm going to tell and keep on telling so others also can know there's a way to freedom...and a right to that freedom for all of us. I used to think I had no rights...not even the right to exist. I used to believe others knew better than me about what I needed and what was good for me. I used to.....not anymore. I want the freedom that comes from knowing it's a right...my right.....everyone' s right.

Running alone in the woods....hearing His gentle whisper in my heart....I know He's running with me....I know He's helping me to live free.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” Herman Hesse

What is it about change that's so scary? Whenever I feel a need for change.....a need to move on.....a need to let go.....I fight and struggle to hold on...afraid of the change....afraid of letting go of what I know....especially if what I know has been something good. And even when it hasn't been......at least it's familiar.

Lately.....I've been feeling a pull to move forward....away from the famliar.....and what's been comfortable. I don't want to give up the things where I once found security and support. But those things are beginning to hurt me more than help me. And to stay means giving up parts of who I am....and the things I need to live free.

Letting go feels like a huge loss.... a sort of death. To let go or hold on?
Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.” – The Wonder Years

"...Give yourself permission to envision a You that you choose to be." Joy Page

Permission: the authorization granted to do something
Permission - formal consent - giving sanction.
Sanction - official permission or approval for a course of action.

When my therapist suggested I give myself permission to be free...I thought she was nuts. I wanted to be free. I had focused all my energy on trying to be free. I didn't get why she told me that....or even what she meant by it. It couldn't be that simple to find release in simply saying those words....or could it?

I did end up saying the words.....I gave myself permission to be free...to have a good life....a life I dreamed about....a life I yearned for.....a life like most people lived.

At first my words were just that....words. But then I noticed a change inside....a shift....a different feel that hadn't been there before. I started believing in the power of those words...accepting their truth....and soon coming to realize that just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz - I had always had the power to get what I wanted....a power I had never realized before - the power to give myself what no one else could - the permission....the sanction.....to walk free.

I had tried for so long to twist myself into everyone else's version of what I should be.....all those professionals with their rules and programs and plans....promising me freedom if I would just do what they wanted. The problem - I couldn't fit into their way of being in 'my' world. I couldn't adjust myself enough to become what anyone else believed was right for me. It only kept me stuck....and frustrated.....and angry.

More than anything....I needed His touch to break through the darknesss....to cut through my hatred. He showed me something I never had before.....a love so great it gave me the courage to keep fighting. The next best thing....was learning to take back my power and give myself the permission to come home to me.

"Gratitude creates the most wonderful feeling." Gordon B. Hinckley

“Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true." Lyman Frank Baum

When I started writing, I never imagined I would ever publish a book. And I definitely never thought my story....my book would win a national book award or that people would be encouraged by my words....and what I lived.

When I lived on the streets....I never imagined I would have a home....a beautiful house in a great neighbourhood surrounded by nature and kind people.

When I couldn't stop using the needle or throwing up....I never imagined I could ever really be free.

When I fought to stay alive....with no one caring about whether I lived or died....I never imagined I would have the best family and incredible friends in my world...in my corner....believing in me....wanting the best for me.

I've learned to dream....to dream big. I discovered that things change...and the things we hunger for really do come true.

It's hard to see that when you're caught in the darkness and all around you it's totally black. But somehow eventually a little light flickers somewhere in that blackness.....and in time....it grows bigger....then bigger..and bigger - until time allows the Light to consume the dark....and the way out becomes visible and clear. You just have to hold on....never let go of hope or the dream that things can be different....

Sometimes I wonder how did that first little light flicker on in all that painful darkness. I don't exactly know...except as a child....I had a make-believe friend....a traffic light. That traffic light was my best friend. It always turned green just for me. And when it was red....it's 'cause it just wanted me to stay and talk a bit. I have another Friend...also a Light. - the difference....He's real. His Light always shines and fills me with the hope that anything and everything is possible.
Dream big....nothing is beyond realization....

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King, Jr

My older sister and I were separated for a long time. Our parents tried hard to keep us apart... It didn't work. It took time but we found each other and somehow....became best friends.

At first...we didn't trust each other...but we both really wanted the connection. We pushed past the distrust...past our own needs....even past hurt feelings at times.

We're different her and I... our likes, how we do things...how we move in the world.....yet in other ways....we're the same. - Our pain....the way we look at life....the effects the abuse had on us....our desire to live our best lives.

Somehow we both figured out......to always keep a hand extended out to each other...never closing the door because of hurt feelings....or misunderstandings or differences. For the past three years we have been in each other's corner... encouraging... supporting....belie ving the best...accepting each other completely. And always with a hand extended out....never taking it away....never closing the door.....never leaving the other with unresolved hurt feelings...never silent...never ignoring the other. That has made the difference.

I fought so hard to be free....alone...wit h friends dying...or leaving...or moving on. For the first two years...I was afraid my sister's words weren't real....that she would leave...close the door....move on.. She hasn't and she told me she will never go away. I believe her...And I vow that to her too.

"The caged bird sings with a fearful trill,
of things unknown, but longed for still,
and his tune is heard on the distant hill,
for the caged bird sings of freedom."
— Maya Angelou

The small window didn't provide much to look at. I could see only the corner of another building that intersected with the one where I was held. It blocked most of the view to the gardens but I could still see the open sky and the white clouds hanging like soft beckoning pillows. Every once in a while a pigeon or two flew by, dipping in the cracks of the infrastructure and sometimes, even stopping to perch on the window ledge. Their liberty to come and go wherever they liked teased me and deepened my longing for freedom.

I discovered if I stared long and hard at the sky....without moving or even blinking, I could feel it's energy pouring its life into me....and drawing me up and away from the dismal nightmare that I had been thrown into. Keeping my eyes fixed upward, I imagined myself blending in with the vast expanse of the open sky...flying up and away from the darkness with all its misery and frightening screams and strange people with bizarre behaviours and staff that enforced rules that made no sense to me.

Being trapped is the worst feeling ever.....not being able to come and go as you like....having someone else dictate what you can and cannot do....even when to eat or sleep or shower. But living physically free without having freedom is not much better.

Like that caged bird....I yearned and ached for freedom. Yet when I got it....I still wasn't free. And even after He touched me....freed me from the drug addiction - still....I wasn't free. Someone said freedom comes with a price. I think that's true. I learned I had to give up.....let go....surrender.... to be truly free.

I'm free now to chose what I want....in life and from life...but it's a funny thing about freedom - now that I'm free...what I want....is to do what He wants...what He says....to follow His lead....

I struggled so hard to be my own person.....using my body as the battlefield....fall ing so far down....into some awfully dark places....making myself sick from a deep ache inside wanting to be free. And yet now I've discovered...there is freedom in not being totally free.

"How lovely to think that no one need to wait to start slowly changing the world. How lovely that everyone great and small can make their contribution toward introducing justice straightaway....and you can always, always give something even if it's only kindness! Anne Frank (diaray entry March 26, 1944)

"....for the dead and the living, we must bear witness." Eli Wiesel

A German publisher asked to review my book. They're considering translating it to sell in Germany. It's not a sure thing but I'm blown away that they're even considering it. A book store yesterday took 20 of my books and told me they want to help me find a distributor...and someone else is wanting to help me get my book out into a wider audience. I am blown away by all this....and by the kindness and support I've recieved.

Funny how I never wanted anyone to know any of the stuff that happened or what I did to survive. Now I want to be a witness that freedom is possible....that there is a way out of darkness...of pain....and mostly from the shame that is like sticky paper - so hard to get out from under.

I've stopped asking why....why I survived and others didn't. Why I lived...when others took their lives...or died by accident or lived but can't shake the depression or chronic pain or addiction to medications or food or something......

I want to stand up....be a witness....a witness that no matter what we lived...no matter what happened.....we can be free. What ever happened to us doesn't define who are are...or even who we become.

It's painful to remember...but I want to walk back into the darkness....into that silence....to that place that held so much shame from which I thought I would never be free - for the reason....of helping someone else find freedom. To give hope to not to give up....to never to give up....

And I want to show the power of His gentleness that broke through and gave me the freedom. When I close my eyes.....when I'm quiet.....and alone...the memories are right there....fighting so hard to survive....alone... .not believing I would ever be free....living so close to the edge....and to death....unable to look anyone in their eyes....or have them look into mine......ripping my arms, shooting up, throwing up...just to make it through a day......And then....just like that....He touched me. His gentle touch changed everything....gave me hope....and the courage to fight even harder...and to make it out of the darkness. And all I know....if I can make it out...anybody can.....

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. Anatole France

In so many ways....I have become free. The shame and fear mostly gone....blogging has given me a voice...a voice that was heard and affirmed by you guys. Your constant affirmations have given me something so huge....it's made me feel like I don't need to hide as much. My biggest fear has always been being known.....being seen. I know I'm not quite where I should be...but I'm not where I was. I want to be free not to worry about being seen.....especially when someone knows my past...what happened....how far down I had fallen and what I did to survive..
I held onto the secrets too long and allowed the shame to cripple me. I'm accepting more and more that I'm not what happened to me.....but I know it has shaped who I have become and how I see things.

I never what to take anyone's dignity away from them. I never want to reduce anyone to feeling less than human like those professionals who did that to me....who medicalized my response to being beaten and raped. When I didn't cooperate with what they said I 'should' do, they took it as a message that I didn't want help. And they labeled me and saw the destructive behaviour as my being unwillingly to be free.

I've learned that cutting, eating disorders and the needle were only symptoms of what was going on inside...and they were also my way of surviving what happened.

I want to keep moving forward...reaching for life....learning to live it fully. I still struggle to let myself enjoy life....to touch and feel and experience the good without feeling guilty or believing I don't have the right. I've come this far...I'm determined to climb higher....I want my life to shine with hope that nothing is impossible to overcome.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

I never want to forget how bad it was....
I never want to forget how dark and painful and lonely...that deep empty hole inside...Yearning desperately to be filled.
The hatred that consumed me.....dictating everything I did.....and which I unleashed on my body....punishing me for just living....and breathing and...worse having needs.
I never want to forget the awful pain of having needs and hating myself for it.....

I never want to forget the kindness of strangers....who reached out to me....gave me food, a place to sleep, encouragement.....c ompassion. Sometimes just a smile from someone helped me get through a day....or a word spoken gently....acknowled ging my life...the worth of my existance...

I never want my hand to be withheld from being extended to others...in their fight...in their struggle...in the their hope to reach for freedom.

I never want to forget.....

"Two things stand like stone....kindness in another's trouble; courage in your own." Diana, Princess of Wales.

Intimacy is being seen and known as the person you truly are. Amy Bloom

I've spent a lot time hiding....trying hard to be invisible...not wanting to be seen. To be seen...meant to be hurt.

Shame - consumed me.....kept me from living free.
Shame - made me believe I was wrong...
Shame - made me feel lower than a snake
Shame - unable to look people in their eyes...or worse have them look in mine.
Shame - kept me from being present....kept me from being seen.

I could never talk.....never tell the truth of what happened. But things are changing. Through writing....and blogging....I've found my voice. I'm being heard and in some way...seen.

There's so much I want to say. Sometimes I wonder....if my words can make a difference....even for one...who also can't speak....who'se still living in the dark....reaching for freedom..

I just found out my book won a TWG award and had an honorable mention for their highest award. It feels like validation. Someone knows...and my voice is being heard.

Yet still.....There are times....I need to hide.....in the dark...in the woods....alone....u nable to be seen....wondering if what I say makes any sense....

Being seen....Being heard....

I want to be heard. I'm afraid but something inside drives me...pushes me forward...to say yes to those people and organizations who ask if I would speak in the Fall...and share my story.

Talking...speaking. ..being seen. I have the summer to kick the fear of standing up...of being seen...and being heard.

"We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival." Winston Churchill Maya Angelou...her words...Inspire Her survival - overcoming rape and hatred....Gives hope..... Her determination...to hold on...to never give up...Empowers. Her survival from darkness...Motivate s. Listening to her words...the calmness of her voice...with its strength and confidence..does something to me...it pushes me forward to live my best life..to make a difference in the world....to help even one person...Know Hope.....and to let freedom have its way...