SpiritedLady's Blog

It is Saturday morning, June 22, 2010. I have not been to BraveHeart Women in a very long time. Somewhere along the way, my life became overwhelming and I do like I always do...become silent. Ummm,,,I think there is a poem about that inside me somewhere. It would tell the story of those days when the world seems bound and determined to beat me down to my very last breath. It would tell the story of how I stood up and told the world "You may not have soul this day; it is not yours to take. It is mine to give and I choose not to give it, not now, not ever!" It would say how hard it is to tell the world that so much and so often and how sometimes I don't want to stand up. Sometimes I want to get in bed, pull the cover over my head and wish the world away from me.

I wonder do I feel like this at the end of every school year and this has been a rough one.
When will all the people who make decisions about what should be happening in schools remember who they serve...the children. If it weren't for them, there would be no need for all the Congress, government offices of education, superintendents, staff coordinators, curriculum coordinators, principals, assistant principals, department chairs, etc. etc., Most of these people have never set foot in a classroom or have been gone so long that they have forgotten what it is like to be in one. Worse yet are those folks who left the classroom because they couldn't or didn't want to handle the day to day activities of a classroom or do all the work outside of the class day. They thought they would be better in administration telling teachers what they should be doing. EXCUSE ME...if they can't handle the day to day workings of the classroom and all the outside work that takes place before a teacher steps foot in his or her class, then they have no right to tell us what we should or how we should be performing our jobs. Next would be overbearing, selfish parents, but I am stopping here because I am getting angry.

I always thought that when I died, I would have all or my original body parts. Well, that isn't happening. I had a swollen lymph node removed two years ago and now I am going to have knee replacement on the right leg this summer and the other leg next summer. There is no cartilage in the right knee and very little in the left.
Walking, some days, is a major feat; the pain can be so awful. I should be happy that science has gotten to the point where this can be done. Everyone tells me that I will be happy when it is done and all the rehab is complete. I believe that, but I am not thrilled about having my bone cut and an artificial joint put inside of me. This may sound stupid, but it is how I feel. My consolation is that my painful everyday existence will be diminished to a great degree and I will probably be a happier camper.

The other consolation is that one leg will be pain free and I can get shots that will help relieve the pain in the other until the next surgery. I should be able to wear a pair of low heel sexy shoes! Yes, that feels very good! I think I will get a RED pair!!!!!!!!!!!

YES! this one is one of those mornings when I decided to have a pity party. I think I have had enough of that. It is time to stand up and go on with my day in a positive way.

Yesterday, I took some time to go to the movies. I went to see Avatar. I have not really enjoyed a movie since I was dragged, kicking and screaming, to see the first episode of Star Wars. I was completely captivated by the technology of Avatar. I saw it in 3D XD, and, yes, it did look like you could touch everything because it appeared as though it were right in front of you. Not only that, but for some scenes, the temperature and the smells became part of the theater itself. However, I was more impressed by the themes the movie raised. Such themes included the complete and utter disregard for nature and the life style of the inhabitants of Pandora for the sake of money. The history of our past flowed through my mind with these themes - the destruction of established societies in America, India, Africa, to name a few, for the sake of another country's wealth. The destruction of established and flourishing ecosystems with little regard for the long range impact was also clear. I am reminded of the people of have fought so hard and valiantly to help preserve nature and still do continue fight that battle.

From my perspective, the society of Pandora was a mixture of Native American and African. The language of its people sounded like a mix of both. Given that my heritage contains both, this movie hit close to home.

Avatar gave me so much to think about. What have I done to help or hinder Mama Earth? I think I have done more to hinder than to help her. However, here lately I have been moving in the direction of helping. I am reducing my clutter, recycle whenever possible and be mindful of how long it takes for her to break down waste products. The latter plays a major role in what I buy.

For a long time, I have been kinder and more understanding of people with whom I have contact. I make a point to see their souls where they really live and not the shell in which they exist.

I just looked at a video on Soul Power. For a moment, I was swimming with the dolphins and whales. It was for only a moment. Why was it only for a moment? Why can't I let myself go for more than a moment? Why am I so on-guard all the time? Why am I so self-conscious all the time? Why does a world of constant chaos keep invading my world of peace and quiet?

Why do my artist's inspiration get caught somewhere deep inside? I hear their cries for release, but I am fumbling with the keys. I can't seem to find the right one.

Why do I need to know what is going on in the world all the time? There is so much pain, so much violence, so much insincerity, so much deceitfulness, so many lies, so many people with good intentions in the wrong ways. Ways that are not mine. Why do people always think their way is the right way. Why do people say they love your child like ways and then try to destroy them, change you?

Why are there tears in my eyes? Why do I feel so invaded? Why am I having this pity party?

Why is it with each question starting with "Why" do I feel my heart emptying itself or is it my soul?

Why do I have to fight to be myself?

Why can't I find the answers to my questions?

I have just read Linda's blog with all the wonderful words of encouragement that went out to Alane. With so much power in prayer and well wishes being placed on the Lord's table for her, I know that He will see her through. My spirit is filled with gladness.

Be blessed in all you do...

I have been on a road trip with my wonderful husband for the last eight days. We visited his family members who were unable to attend our wedding last year. They are all wonderful, warm people. Our road trip started in Evanston with me driving to pick him up in Indianapolis. From there we went to Huntsville, AL then to Tampa, FL and onto Atlanta, GA and back to Evanston, IL. We had a wonderful time.

A sista found out she does not like driving in strange places. I was actually fearful of taking the wheel. I had to have a long talk with my God about that one because that is so unlike me. For most of the trip, my Hunny drove. Our trip was 2200 miles round trip.

Unfortunately, I injured my back at the gym before the trip which made me somewhat uncomfortable. It was a problem for the entire trip, but people were nice in accomodating me. My husband was wonderful; he helped me get up out of chairs and get out of the car. Given that we had to drive from Indianapolis to Evanston in the dark last night, I really appreciated his love. I HATE DRIVING AT NIGHT and I HATE IT EVEN MORE MORE WHEN IT RAINS, TOO. When the rain came I prayed real hard that God would stop it and because He is merciful, it did. Having my Hunny driving behind me (we picked up his car in Indianapolis) gave me an added comfort level.

I don't know if I will do a road trip that long again (2200 miles), but who knows, I may change my mind! My Hunny says he plans for us to go on a trip every year and I am game for that!

PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTS AND DEAL WITH IT! *

I know that at 57, 58 and beyond? The pickings are slim,
I am lonely and going through what should
Have been suffered when my marriage,
And all its trappings drifted away on soundless sobs,
I must accept what I am. Who I am,
How I look, how I have aged,
There is nothing wrong with me,
But I will never look how use to be,
Time and worry have taken their toll,
But I am a big girl, strong and bold.

Big Girls have to take care of their own needs,
No matter what they may be,
Anything from lonely nights
When that special hunger strikes,
For strong, loving arms to hold them tight,
To the closet door that must be re-hung,
To the shopping and washing and whatever else must be done,
Big girls put on their big girl pants and get the job done.


Be Blessed in all that you do...

For the past six weeks I have been suffering from debilitating headaches. Three weeks into the six weeks my ears started ringing and feeling stopped up. In addition, the headaches became worse and the fatigue accompanying them made me want to sleep all the time. Finally I went to the doctor and as a result had an MRI (no problems identified) and went to a nuerologist who said he felt that I had chronic headaches with symptoms of migraines. I have to say "Duhhh" here because I told him that I have had a continuous headache since my teens. I told him it had been only within the last six weeks that it spiked and seldom came back to what is normal for me. Anyone with that history would know they had chronic headaches if they have been having them for as long as I have (45 years). The only part that is new is all that other stuff. He prescribed a low dose pill called Amitriptyline. I still have to see an ear doctor and an eye doctor to deal with everything else going on inside of my head. I am not liking any of this, so...........

I have decided that I am through being sick. These headaches and the other accompanying discomforts no longer have a place in MY LIfe. As of today I am not giving in to all of this rubish. God did not me bring this far and bless me as much as He has for me to let myself down. So I will do what has to be done to get me back on the right path which is HEALTHY. I have started to identify the stress areas on my journey, things that appear to be mountains,but are merely small mounds of dirt. As I see where their little booties are, I will come up with my own RX for continued recovery and health!


I am healed....my choice....this is MY life.....I am smiling.....this pity party is over....end of story.

Blessings on everyone who reads this entry. May God bless you in all that you do!

Nearly seven years ago, I took a very hard leap of faith by divorcing my husband of 34 years. I was scared, but, because I was loosing myself,my choice was to save myself. I had never been on my own. Although I have had my ups and downs, I know I made the correct decision. Since I had no life while I was married, this journey on which I have embarked has been revealing me to myself. Even now I still don't really know who I am, all I know is I like where I am. When I took my leap, I did not stand on something solid, I was taught how to fly and I am still visiting all the places in me that I want to go and need to go.