tammeylynne's Blog

I went for a walk today in the mountains, as I will not be here much longer.
I stopped at a place my Grannie and I ue to pick wildflowers and blackberries. I sat there on the outcrop of rock for a long time just enjoying the solitude and the sweet smells, of the flowers and mother earth. I closed my eyes for a minute and the sun peeked through the trees and warmed my face. Then a slight breeze swirled around me. In that breeze I could her tell me to take the path. I thouht I was going crazy but I got up and took the path to the top of the mountain. There was 2 old tree stumps up there that we use to sit on and talk for hours. She would tell me stories about growing up on a reservation. Stories of her people. I sat on my stump for along time and was just quiet. Then I said allright Grannie you got mme here what do you want me to know. In my mind I could hear her like she was right beside me again.I told her how much I missed her and just couldn't understand why she left me when she did.

Shesaid the great father lead you home to theese hills so you could heal your soul. But your not listening to him. Why she asked. I don't know, and her way she said yes you do. Your to afraid to admit the wrongs that were done to you, to lay the blame where it belongs, toexcept that you made bad choices because you thought that was all you deserved.
Your life was horrible when you were young I did all I could to protect you. You think I left you , but I have always been at your side. I really think buy this time that I am totally loosing my mind, I looked up in the sky and saw a hawk flying over head. It landed on a treee not far from me. She said you see that hawk that is your poppy looking over you. He just doesn't have the strength to tell you what he wants to say, but I will. Lift your head up child, The ones who hurt you are no longer here, your path is free, you just have to choose the right one.
She said I always called you the healer when you were mine, because everything you found that was hurt or hungry you brought it home, but yet you can't heal yourself.
You allow your self to be sucked back into the shadows. Step into the light and follow your path.
She told me to help others that have the same pain I do.
So when I get back to Ohio I am going back to school to finnish my degree, and be a therapist for inset survivors. I am no longera victim!!!!!! I survived! I had to walk through hell to get here, but I'm here nd I'm free.
They can't hurt me anymore.It is not my shame to bear it was thiers. I'm not to the point of forgiving them yet. Maybe I wont ever be able to, but at least I know the shme and the blame is not mine.

The nght my grannie died I was at work. I was a waittress at a truck stop. I was walking into the kitchen and I heard her tell me good bye babby I Love You. I looked up at the clock and it was 10:02 p.m. When I got home from work, the phone was ringing, I walked into the living room and told my mother to tell my uncle Tracey that I wuld be there in the morning. She hung up the phone and walked down the hall into my room and asked me how I knew who she was talking to, I told her Grannie died at 10:02 and I was going home.
Some of you may find it odd that a old woman that has been dead for thirty years can still talk to me and I can hear her. But we had a very special bond. She protected me as best she could for most of ny childhood. She taught me things about mother earth and the grandfathers that have passed on before.They are always with us, you just have to know how to listen to them. I just closed my mind to them for way to long.
Who would of thought a simple walk in the mountains and the smell of wild honeysuckle and blackberrie blooms could wake my mind?

This is my story. Most of wich I have never told another living soul. I was to ashamed, and affraid to talk about it.But just maybe if I let it out, I can heal, and come out of the shadows.
On May 29 1962 a little redheaded girl was born, allready unloved unwanted. My dad allready knew I was not his, something I did not find out till years later.
When I was 18 months old, I was just left with my Grandparents. Shuffled between tham and aunts and uncles and back to my parents till I was 7. After that I just stayed with my parents. About that time my older sister started molesting me. That lasted till she left home when I was 10. My Mother use to tell me not to talk about it to anyone.It was just something I had to put up with. When I was 13, I caught my brothers eye, but he only came home once a month. So I was told to just deal with it. When he was home I would stay as close to the wall as possible, cover my head with my pillow so I could not hear the floorboard outside my door creak, Or my door squeke when he opened it. He allways told me not to cry and that he loved me so much. I'm sure the day he died he still had no clue how much damage he did to me, not just to my body, but to my mind and my spirit.
I was always treated like I did not matter. Except buy my grandprents. My grandfather, was a big man, in my eyes, His father immigrated here from Ireland in the mid 1800's , he married a cherokee indian, and they had 19 children. My grandpa also married a full cherokee. They taught me so much about life, and the great spirit. But unfortunantly my Poppy died when I was 7. My Grannie did what she could for me. Keeping me in the summer so I could at least feel safe then. We spent alot of time just wondering the mountains, she taught me about what her people believed, and that if you walk a good path on earth you will walk a good path on your next journey.

For a long time whe I wasa teenager I lived a very wild lfe.I thought I didn't deserve anything better.When I was 17 I met a man , That was in a motorcycle club, I thought I loved him. He abused me in so many ways. But we had a beautiful little girl, After she was born he wasn't home much. For that I waas thankful. She died of sudden infant death syndrome when she was 8 months old. I never saw him again after her funeral.
I crawled into a bottle and didn't come out for avery long time. I got hooked on drugs. Didn't live very well. Put myself in some very bad situations. I was raped when I was 20.
When I was 21, the man that owned the bar I always drank at, offered me a job. Just one catch he said, you can't drink when your working. Thankfully he worked me alot. I still drank when I was off work, I used drugs on my own time. Got involved with a man that dealt cocaine, and again I got beat, told how worthless I was,
One of my friends, that had gotten out of the club found ut how much dope I was using and came and got me. took me Texas. Kept me at his place till I got clean. Got me off coke, off alchohol. Thought he had me staightend out.
I went back to Ohio. Stayed off drugs, have not touched them since then . But I did start drinking again.
I felt stuck, like not in darkness that had been my childhood, and not the light I had only glimpsed when I waswith my Grannie. But in the Shadow land. Everytime I thought I was getting into the light finally, The foggy, shadow would suck me back in again. Because I had picked the wrong man again. One that either beat me daily or would abuse me mentally.Any of you thathave ever been abused buy a man know that most of us would take a beating anyday over the mental crap. broken bones and bruises heal. But there aint no erase button in your mind. You just can't get the words out of your brain. You hear them in your sleep, When you start to feel the warmth and comfort of the light they come back and suck you back into the shadow land.
When I was 31, I had a sweet little boy, then a year latr I had another one. But thier Dad was no prize either. He beat me told me I was Fat everyday, said the only thing I was good for was puttin food on his table and sex. I got away from him when my youngest was 5 months old. We were alone for along time. I didn't drink anymore, I had that light I so desperatly needed.
Unfortunantly, I married a man when my kids were 8 &9, that beat me I stayed with him till 4 years ago. Still kind of in that shadowland. But I'm almost out, I think this time I'll make it for good.
It's to cold in the shadows, I like the warmth of the light..
That is just a little of my story. All that I feel safe enough to reveal,at this time.
I'm going to make it. The Shadows can't suck me back in again.

My heart is broken,
My mind is cluttered, My Faith has been shaken
I'm no longer here anymore,
just an empty shell
of who I use to be.
I feel the weightand pressure of the world
has broken and shattered me.
Not sure if I can find all the peices anymore,
or begin to put me back together again.

I've fallen into a well that is dark and dismal.
Everytime I think I see the top,
somehow I get pushed back down.

I've had a lifetime of being told I was unloved,
not wanted , not worth helping, I was a bastard child afterall.
That makes you crawl into a shell and not let anyone in.You build a wall around youself that noone can climb

How do you begin to ask for help, when you have never been told
you deserve to be helped.
I pray to God everynight.
Dear God p;ease help me find away out
of this whole. Please stop this pain,
I simply can't take it anymore.
I can't do it on my own anymore.

I'm afraid, alone and scared.
Please dear Lord show me a way.
Send me an angel..
Someone who can reach out and pull me out of this mess.
I don't want just a hand out.
I need help, some guidence, some advise, on where to turn for help.

Please Lord help me find Peace,
Heal my broken heart, Clear my cluttered mind,
Strengthen my Faith
Help me find all the peices and put me back together again, So Ican be whole.