Clearly he is not the right man for you.

And a piece of wisdom - no one can love you more than you love yourself. If you chose a man like this, chances are very good that you do not think you deserve better. If counselling is in order, get it for yourself. Try to understand where your feelings of unworthiness begin, and then work on eliminating that.

Something happened to you - that is a fact. You made up a story about it, however young or old you were, and now behave/operate from that story.

Who hurt you then? Was one or both of your parents an addict?

What do you really want for yourself in your life? What are you willing to risk to attain it? What do you have to give up? Or let in?

I understand your pain. What can you commit to that will help you break the chains that keep you in emotional prison?


--
Lori

Get counseling!

A book that truly presented me with sound spiritual and practical reasons to leave a dangerous man, as the husband Nerrisa describes, is Love Must Be Tough, by Dr. James Dobson. Prior to this book, I'd never heard or read such a clear understanding of how it is one spouse gets caught in the 'trap' of giving a dangerous person multiple chances. Dr. Dobson also writes a heart-grabbing description of 'the walk through the valley of the shadow of death' - the term he uses to describe the necessary decision and action to walk away from a poor marriage, when divorce is the last thing you want. I, myself, had to finally realize that after many years of domestic violence, the perpetrator was not going to change and offerings of 'more chances' were just part of the pattern. One that note, the husband enters the marriage with a picture of how he thinks things should be. Most men do not directly reveal this and most of us women are not good at drawing this out. The husband described here is living out that very picture. Now, you have to decide how you think things should be. I wish you peace.


--
Virginia Sunden Hall

Your kidding yourself if you think this man will ever be worth anything to anyone. Let him go and stay single and when your ready try to date again. There are men who work and are responsilble out there. This man is like a weak little child you are taking care of. You are a codependent, go to the meetings for codependents anonymous. Please get out of that marriage for the sake of your children. His role model will make them as worthless as him.

Run

I understand what you are talking about. I was married for 1 yr 3 months and things totally took a turn shortly after we bought our second house. I had just quit my job and he had we had an argument regarding our 8th month old going to day care. I mean just because I do not have a job does not mean that I do not have things to do also with my pesonal time that I cannot do if I have to take care of a child. I mean I am not a selfish person though he jusst did not understand my needs. I have recently took shelter with my new girlfriend. Do you think that I should leave him or go back?

Hello. I hear a lot of what you are saying. I was with my common law husband for seven years, two girls together, and the decision to leave him was not an easy one to make. It took me three years to make that decision. In many ways, my life would have been a lot easier if I had just left him three years ago when I first realized where our relationship was headed, but it also would have had its disadvantages. Yes, my husband drank a lot, was messy, disrespectful in many ways, and yes he even peed everywhere too, as when he was drunk he would sleepwalk and pee in random places in my house. Once, and this one broke my heart, was all over my new baby's change table. Every item of clothing that I had loving folded and placed on its shelves had to get dumped in the washing machine because they were drenched in pee. That was a low point for me! But worse than all of that, he was a mean drunk too. A perfectly happy evening could turn ugly in less than a minute. It was scary how fast the mood could change. At first I listened and believed him when he said it was either all my fault or half my fault, but over time I came to see that these instances weren't the ones where you could say "takes two to fight", which was his favorite saying.
Since deciding to leave him and get some help, I have been asked more than a few times why I stayed in such an unhealthy relationship so long. After all, if I had left when I first knew I should, I would have not had to refinance my home a second time making my mortgage near impossible to afford, and I would have one less mouth to feed (my youngest daughter). While both of those facts are true, I had my reasons. Mainly, my biggest fear in life is having regret or guilt on my conscience. I dont know why I fear those things so much, but I do. The only way I could ever leave him, was if I could get to a place and time where I was 100% certain that I had done all I could to help him, 100% positive that I had not failed to push him in the right direction, and 100% convinced that there was no way whatsoever that he was going to change. I stayed through fight after fight, abuse, name calling, jealousy, only because I knew I had not reached that point.
So I am sorry to steal your thread with my own sad story, but I guess I just told you all that to make an important point:
You will get advice from everyone, you will have issues to deal with and work through with him, his family, your family, and it doesnt end just because you made the decision to stay or to go. It is a decision you have to revisit everytime there is a question. you have to face your children or family or friends down the road as they say "why did you stay?" or "Why did you leave?" And in the end, the only thing that can make either decision easy and liveable - in my opinion - is knowing right down to the core of your being that it was the right thing to do, the only thing to do, that you had done everything else possible, and if you can face yourself everyday with that certainty, you can hold your head high no matter what life throws at you.
Anyway, that is the thinking that gets me through my days when the money runs out and my kids need or want things, or when i have little food or heat. That is the consequence of striking out on my own, but as I said, because I am so certain it had to be that way, I feel no remorse or guilt. I think if you choose to stay a bit longer to give him the chance to rehabilitate himself, great, but just know when to draw the line and say I have done all i could and more, so i must leave.
hope that helps, or if it doesnt I apologize. It is just that short answers cannot help address a situation like the one i was just in and you are still in! please update me to how things go.
Chrissie


--
Chrissie
Studio on the Move Photographers

Believing everyday that the best is yet to come.

I am struggling with a decision to divorce my husband or not to. We have been together for 8 yrs., and have 2 children together plus one from my first marriage. I'm only 30 and staring down my second divorce! That in it's self is enough to scare me!
My first husband was abusive, emotionally, verbally and very very physically. I was so young and scared but left him at 23. My second husband is/was my best friend during our 8 yrs. Sure, he couldn't hold a job, and he didn't clean up and was messy, peed anywhere he wanted, put his cigarettes out everywhere in the house, didn't mow the grass or take out the trash, and I did everything even car work. But he loved me sooooo much. I paid the bills, raised the kids, cleaned the house, even shaved him. We never went on any dates, ever, and he never took the time to groom himself, but he loves me soooo much.
This yr. he got a dui, and then another, and then I found out he's an addict. He does coke, crack, weed, pills, heroin, drinks all the time, lies to me constantly, deceives me all the time and steals from me, my family and my friends. He has cheated on me, even with one of my so called friends! Here I thought we had a great marriage, he was just a little lazy and unclean, but he loves me soooo much.
So he goes to rehab for 30 days, and it's gonna be different now that he's sober, right? Well, it was different, he started accusing me of infidelity. He went so far as to make a fake email address and try to "test" me. Of-course I'm sleeping with all his loser friends too. And he lies tome, "i would never do that" "how could you think I'd be so lowdown as to makeup a fake email" over and over, and I know it's him. So I find proof. And we start going to marriage counseling. Then I make the kids dinner and leave the house and go to an appointment, it's 4 p.m., he throws the kids food on plates in front of the tv and leaves. He has no license, but he takes my car, leaves the door unlocked, leaves a 2 and a 4 yr. old alone. For about an hour my babies are alone and when I get home they are hysterical, crying, scared, out of their minds. He comes home passes-out on the couch and I pack his bag and take him to his mom's. This was about 2 months ago.
Now he says it was his addiction. All the bad drugs leaving his body, he was tired, he doesn't remember what happened. He isn't working at all. He slept until noon that day. We are still going to marriage counseling. He has started to groom himself and wear clean clothes, and goto AA meetings everyday. He wears deodorant and brushes his teeth and stopped smoking.
Everyone says he is making huge strides, he wants to move back in, but I don't trust him, I don't even know if I want him. His friends and family say I am over reacting and it's no big deal what he did. But it is to me. My kids are my world.
I wanted it to work so badly, I begged him to help or change for 8 yrs. and he wouldn't. Now I wash my hands of him because he does the worst thing I can imagine, he endangered the lives of my babies, and NOW he wants to be my partner? NOW he wants to get "fixed"? NOW he is trying and bettering himself? NOW??? How can I trust him and should I? How can I not be resentful, hurt and angry? Should I give him another go, or would that be child endangerment or bad parenting on my part? I was/am the bread winner for 8 yrs. and I can do this on my own, actually the last 2 months were the easiest ever. Which is worse, no dad or this dad?
Any thoughts or advice would be helpful. I know I was stupid in who I chose to be with, but I am stubborn, strong and do not admit defeat easily so I stuck it in there. But I'm listening.....