This is for Jay Rossi. I’m new here, and this is a year late, but I hope you are still checking in. (I hope this doesn’t post twice. It suddenly disappeared before I was finished. Here we go again … )

I am not a shrink, nor do I have kids. But I’ve been shrunk, and I’ve been a kid. And I’ve done A LOT of self-help self-searching. This is long. I don’t mean to preach, I just want to tell you how I can relate and why. This is all coming only from my experience, and what I’ve learned from it as I navigate my adult life. This may or may not be relevant or helpful to you, but just in case it might be, here’s my 65 cents worth…

Please, anyone who may read this, keep in mind this is just me talking about me regarding my life and what I’ve learned from it that’s helped me. I’m only passing it on in case it may be of help to someone else. Please disregard anything you don’t agree with.

Jay,
Many of us don’t know what love is, whether it’s “being in love” love, or loving your kids, love. I am so sorry to know you were in abusive relationships. I was in verbally and emotionally abusive relationships. The abuse was sporadic, but its residue permeated everything. The good moments are what kept me there, thinking the abusive moments were just an aberration, things will go back to “normal”. It took me a long time to realize the abuse was also part of “normal” and a way to keep me down, and them up. It worked. Until it didn’t work anymore.

As for growing up in a loveless home and not knowing how to comfort your child … I’m sorry for that for you were not shown how. It’s hard to give something you weren’t given and therefore don’t have. At least you know you don’t know. That is a start. Sometimes, for me, the best comfort is when someone is just there. No big demonstrations needed (or necessarily wanted) just quiet presence, just a look, just listening, or just doing something together, maybe a walk, watch TV, talk about something anything, can help. Just knowing someone wants to be with me, helps. How you are present can speak volumes. If you’ve never experienced this, it may be hard for you. But if you have the desire, you can start by just being present physically, and psychically. That may create an opening for the next step, whatever that might be for you. Remember that this is new for your child too, and they may not know how to receive it. Give it time. It may be awkward. Keep trying.

You ask if it’s possible to live without any emotion. That’s a really good question. I think it’s possible to prefer to live that way, because the other is just too painful. So feelings are cut short. Not acknowledged. If feelings only result in pain, then not having them may be one way to self-preservation. A tough choice made to survive, perhaps? However, if the reason for that choice is no longer present, then it may not be a good choice anymore, may in fact be causing more damage. Maybe then is when you can safely excavate the past, see what caused things to be the way they are, and then decide they don’t have to be that way anymore, and now make other choices. Things can change.

As for demonstrated affection. It also can be something learned or not. I know all children need to know they are loved and cherished, but some people like touch, some people don’t. I know it was something I really missed as a child. That lack told me who I was, how I was or wasn’t valued and set me up for settling for that same lack later on. However, I also know someone else who seemed to thrive in a touchless environment. It just wasn’t best for me.

Your upbringing set you up to be who you are. Once I figured that one thing out, I began to figure out how to correct things for the better. I think this will be a lifelong task for me. It’s not been easy. It has been painful scrutinizing my life. It’s uncomfortable even to start making things work for me and not against me. People resist. I resist. And honestly, I didn’t have a horrible life. People have had it much worse than I. But I did have things that hurt me, shaped me in ways that set me up to be consistently unhappy. Just because my life could have been worse, doesn’t mean that my life’s problems are irrelevant to me. That is something I had to understand, to get to the root of my own unhappiness. I had to stop disregarding myself, the same way I had been disregarded by others in my past. Sometimes it’s hard to see some things that aren’t as obvious as some other things. Sometimes, the un-obviousness is why they are so dangerous and hard to get to.

One crucial thing I learned is that children’s brains are running primarily on one type of brain waves (alpha I think) until they are about 7 years old. This brain wave state is the same as when you are under hypnosis. So basically, children are living in a state of hypnosis for the formative years of their lives. We are taking in information, not necessarily processing it or looking at it critically. This is how we learn to be who we are. At least that’s one theory I came across, and it makes sense to me when l look at my own life.


If you have a Lord that you love, who loves you unconditionally, you are lucky. I have never been a religious person and sometimes I envy those that have that. However, it is not the right fit for me. But I do believe there is a Source from which all things come, and within which we are all connected, and that Source is what I connect with. It is vast and profound and always there. Source listens to me (the good bad ugly of me) accepts me, and it’s there that I figure things out. It helps me, to feel connected to something bigger than myself.

You say that when you demonstrate your love to your Lord, there’s always an outpouring of sadness, and that seems to worry you because you feel that love is supposed to be happy. I believe that Love/Lord/Source, just is. It accepts. Love/Lord/Source will accept your sadness because that is your truth in that moment. It is that acceptance that will help you heal. Acknowledge and express your sadness. That will help you heal. This is going to sound glib, and contrary to all the rhetoric out there, but here goes. Remember, just my opinion: never underestimate the power of feeling sorry for yourself. If you ride that feeling back to its source, that will help you figure things out and that will help you heal. It can be tricky if you get mired in the self-pity, but if you consciously use it (don’t let it define you) you can become enlightened and inspired by your own revelations.


As for making friends, being genuine can be difficult, especially if you are someone who doesn’t fit into the norm. This (I know) can be very lonely. You say it’s difficult to make and keep friends, and you find solace being alone. This worries you because you believe it’s not how you are “supposed” to be. I know exactly how you feel. It was hugely helpful to me to find out that I was not strange, or abnormal, I was just an introvert. And I don’t mean what most people think of when they think “introvert.” Keep reading, I’ll explain. The world is primarily made up of extroverts (the majority), and therefore made by extroverts to engage in extrovert things and have fun expressing their extrovert-ness. Introverts (the minority) do not enjoy the same things in the same way. There is a book I could recommend but I don’t know if that’s allowed here. You can probably find something on the internet or an online bookstore about loners, or the introvert advantage. That’s how I got to it.

In short, introverts and extroverts are wired differently. Introverts recharge our batteries (so to speak) by turning inward. Being in crowds or noisy active places ultimately depletes us. We need to be alone to recharge, to feel better. We need only one or two people to be close to and be happy. We are capable of strong deep attachments. Extroverts need much more activity, and attach more superficially to many people. Force an extrovert to be alone and they will ultimately be unhappy. It feels like punishment to them. They recharge in the presence of people and activities. Neither an introvert nor extrovert is “better.” We are just different. But being in introvert in an extrovert world, is difficult. That is until you realize you are normal too.

My entire life I’ve referred to myself as strange. Odd. Different. I felt there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t like everyone else. I was anti-social = bad. I liked to be alone = very bad. I didn’t like parties (hate small talk) = bad. I don’t make friends easily = bad. All the things that make up the extroverts world, were not for me. Therefore I was = bad, strange, odd. Like you, I felt that the way I was, was not how I was supposed to be. Learning that I was an introvert helped me, validated me and my life. If you recognize yourself in any of this, you may just be an introvert. It’s normal. It has its own advantages. Embrace them.

So Jay, I hope you are still around. I hope you read this. I hope it helps if only in a small way.

Wherever you are, I wish you the best of luck in your life. I’m sending this out from my heart, to the Source, to you.

Sweetgrass

Dear Ladies,
When reading these posts, I can't help but think that as much as we all come from different parts of the world, different ethnic groups, etc., as women, we are all the same and we travel somewhat, the same journey in life.
I am 50 years old, divorced and have been a stay at home mom for 2 children,(now 22 and 18). Its truly my time now, and yet I am frustrated that not only do I have to go on the discover myself journey, but, at this time in my life, I have to worry about financial issues and so on.
This is what I have discovered......life's problems are what help you discover and uncover the authentic you. Hold your blessings close to your heart , but hold your hardships even closer. These are your teachers!!

I love reading some of these posts. Many women find that they lose or have lost themselves while delving into thier lives as mom's, wives, sisters, friends, workers...and so on. It is our natural instinct to wrap ourselves up in those around us; some say it's inborn, some say it's hormones, some say it's nature....whatever the case may be; we do this every day. We were created this way, and it can be our hinderance as well as our victory. It affects who we are and where we are going in our lives.
I heard a song by Aretha Franklin years ago...called "Someone Else's Eyes"...and it has been my saving grace so to speak. There are many songs that represent who we are and what we are going through...and it depends on what our most troubling moment have been at the time. This song talks about being wrapped up in a relationship with a man in particular...and how her life revolved around his. It just happened to be something that affected me at the time. But in the end, it's about finding our own identity again...and who we were before our lives changed as the result of decisions we have made, whether it be marriage, children...or whatever; but we must always remember who we were before these events occurred. For who we were then, is still who we are now....just in a little different light. Being authentic, I suppose, is keeping that part of you that was always there, but somehow got pushed aside, at least temporarily. i am finding me again...and I am loving every minute of it.

meriden conneticut

I was listening to the women on this page and
your post, leapt into my heart.

you said "im just lost."

I am sure that all of us at one time or another
have been there..........so i begin by lifting you
in prayer----if you are interested in sharing with
someone willing to listen.....I am
frsnnsprt

Dear Dusty
It is so inspiring to hear someone express themselves as living their dreams. I know that when you work with what you love then your natural attraction energy will increase and you will be noticed. You will attract like minded people into your life and people will love being around you.

Keep going and doing what your doing the universal energy will support you and take care of the rest.

Amazing thanks

Rosina

I have found my authentic re-connection in the last year and a half. I have found my passion again in acting. I returned to the stage, after almost 14 years away, during that point in my life, a lot of things got real bleak. I don't dream of being famous, like I did when I was a child, but I love to feel the magic that comes from creating a character and brining it to life in front of an audience. I try to give as much as I receive. I like to be in orginal plays because I think it is important to create new works and encourage new playwrights. Yes, I am making a fraction of the income that I made in corporate America, but I am healthier and much happier. And by trusting, all my needs are met.
Thank you for letting me share.,

Dusty

Hi!

I'm one of those people who just can't seem to help but be my authentic self. Whenever I stray, I get into so much trouble -- not with the law or anything, just feeling very uncomfortable and unable to figure out what to do. However, it means I'm seen as having a bit of an attitude (that my friends love and appreciate), and people react strongly to me -- they either love me or hate me, it seems.

Anyways, I wouldn't have it any other way and at least the experiences I have in life are truly mine and I'm in touch with who I am, for better or worse.

Oddly enough, being authentic means being honest and trustworthy in my case, and aiming high comes naturally. So does relating to the authentic in others, and I appreciate the depth and breadth of connection I experience.

Something that just occurred to me as I type this is that being authentic has helped me to be empathetic. If you can't help but connect authentically, how can you not care for others?

I don't know if being authentic is a gift -- it's certainly a mixed blessing -- but I hope we all get more and more in touch with our authentic selves, and that we respect the authentic in ourselves and in others. I believe this will lead us to the peace that comes from true empathy with others.

Namaste,

Diana

Thank you for bringing this up / ? / As its so thick in the atmosphere for women collectively now, and so very personal and touching to me.

I am just beginning and beginning to be able to breathe and relax enough to allow and just be with the women who is there, in my hearts core.

I know this:: I am a very curious being. I am a deep feeler, who is just reconnecting with my innate nature after a life (my 27 years) of intense ambition and patterning to make it in the world. This ended up making me very good and strong in my masculine, a good quality to have developed I believe.

Returning to and trusting my Diving feminine core is so thrilling and such a joyous blessing.

I am wondering, how this fits in with the world, and excited to experience fulfilling purpose and full expression of my passion and Gift.
- nc
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"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave." ~Rilke