Jonie85, First of all let me commend you for being brave enough to express yourself. I was once where you are now. Today, I truly live in the freedom of forgiving others because they did and still do not know what they were doing, but also myself. I saw a lot of my adult patterns(repeated failed relationships, uncontrolled emotions, etc) resulted from my childhood. Spiritual Therapy helped me get through by teaching me how to forgive and removed everything that came attached.

Hello everyone...I first want to say how happy I am for finding this website. Im currently dealing with low self esteem and I am 26 years old and never lived because of it. Forgivness has always been hard for me. I have always been a person that place blame on myself first before anyone else. As a child my mother was a single mother of 3 and worked all the times. I appreciate all she has done for me because I never worried about eating, clothes or anything else. My issue as a child was people were always mean to me. I was made fun of for my complexsion, my heritage and was called a boy all the time. I had no one to talk to and saddness was a way of life (so I thought). By the age 14 on my birthday my father came to see me and told me how my mother never wanted me and that crushed me. I cried almost al the time but no one knew and no one helped. By 16 I had my son, Ive always worked and thru high school I worked 2 jobs. My mother showed me the importance of indepence and that gave me strength for my responsibilties. Everything became worse though. My mom couldnt hide her disspointment in me (and I would never expect her to) and the father of my children was young so he couldnt help me mentally. I was always stressed and depressed. Graduating high school i was pregnant with my daughter. The father of my children then became mentally, emotionally and phisically abussive. I spent my whole pregnancy sad and crying all the time. While in the hospital the father of my children slapped me! That was the point where I decided that I didnt want him or anyone again. We broke up and I worked. I worked all the time. Finally I found a man that was wonderful to me but because of his past we were unable to grow. Then I found a other man that was awesme to my children and I. He was the first man I introduced to my children. He was a blessing. He had his ways but after being laid off from my job I fell into a deep depression. All the emotions I kept balled up inside came out. At this point I was in school, a foster parent and living off unemployment. After a while my depression and uncontrolalbe emotions (and other issues from him) ruined my relationship. In the situation with the father of my children, I take some of the responsiblities for it. I decided to take all that he did because I wanted my son to have a mother and father, knowing that I didnt want him. In the situation with my current X I should have never started that relationship. I wasnt ready and things were worse because of that. I showed him how much I loved him constantly but without commitment. My life have been backwards and I continue to strive for a better life now without any aid from anyone and no support from the father of my children. I now work full time and in school full time. My children are always active in and out of school but the lack of being able to forgive myself for my mistakes hinder me the power to live and be happy. I refuse to bring anyone I love in this negative way I am living so I dont have a social life. I want to build myself before anything else. Forgiveness is so hard for myself because I constantly feel like I should have known better or its what I deserve. I dont deserve happiness. I dont know the first thing about forgiving myself... I dont know how to let go. I never did. Im pretty sure I made a lot of mistakes while writing this but if I didnt just post it I probably would change my mind.

I just discovered this website yesterday and decided it was time to connect to someone that could help me with forgiveness. I need all the support I can get to learn to forgive myself. I am a mother of two, both children are married with kids of their own. It's my son I am feeling a huge regret with. My daughter was born in 1976 when I was 21 and my son was born in 1985 when I was 30. I worked with my husband in his business and was able to take our kids to work with us most days, but by the time my son was 9 years old, I wanted to find a career of my own. The job I found took me away most evenings and I traveled 2-3 days a month. My son just told me recently how much he missed me and felt very alone with me gone so much. He said he wished I was there to help with his homework, fix hot meals evry night and greet him when he came home from school each day. He is so intelligent, but seems to have low self-esteem and feels unworthy of having a great life. I feel if I had not pulled away so abruptly from my son's life at such a young age, he would be feeling better about himself today.

He married a woman, within months of meeting her, who seemed to genuinely love him at first, but after 2 years is now very distant and cold toward him. He works hard at doing whatever he can to please his wife, but she never seems to be happy. She abuses him verbally and recently, we found out, physically too. She had two children of her own when they met and they have one together with another on the way in April. They receive no child support from her ex-husband, so my son supports all of them while she constantly criticizes him for not making enough money to fulfill her needs.

He told me he always dreamed of having his own family and building the stability he felt he lost when I started working. He said he does not blame me for anything and loves me very much, but I keep beating myself up over the choice I made when my son was still so young. I guess I was only thinking of myself at the time. With my kids being 10 years apart, it had been 20 years by the time my son was 9 years old and I was so ready to start something for me.

I cry many nights envisioning how I could have handled this differently. How can I forgive myself, when I know his choices have been a direct result of what he missed in his childhood. I was always a loving, supportive and encouraging mom, but my son saw me less, so he got less of my nurturing.

I need help understanding how I can forgive myself and move on because praying to God has not helped me get past this.

Open to any help you may have to offer!

The Art of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is indeed an Art and perhaps the most difficult 'Art' to practice.

I find strength in all of the wisdom that was shared by the brave heart women in this thread. The message that personally struck me so powerfully, however, was the suggestion that encouraged us to remember this:

that when we forgive the hurts, insults, pain and suffering that has been done to us, we don't condone that behaviour, we simply STOP the INFLUENCE that this pain, has on our lives.

We CHOOSE freedom, peace and forgiveness NOT for the other person, BUT for OURSELVES.

WE HEAL because WE KNOW WE ARE WORTH IT
WE KNOW WE DESERVE BETTER
WE KNOW WE WILL INVITE BETTER

BY EMBRACING OUR BRAVE HEARTS we release ourselves from the words or actions that bind us and we are free to fly to your highest, heights and realize our greatest potential.

Being Brave is doing what scares you, even when it scares you...don't ever let others define who you are and certainly don't ever let the pain cause by another, determine what you think you deserve in life.

In peace,
B

Hi angel769,

Thank you for your compliment. Your courage is evident. I think it becomes easier to forgive when we recognize that we have done wrong and are in need of forgiveness too and have already been forgiven. In the Firewood group I participate in every Friday, we talked about why it is important to "know thyself" and we defined the blocks to knowing thyself. I think it would be an interesting conversation to talk about blocks to forgiveness. What keeps us from forgiving? It can be believing that forgiving means being hurt again, or being weak, or any number of things.

I just shared the following with a group of folks on Friday. I wrote it back in 2010.

God commands us to forgive. No matter what the offense, forgive. Now an important point to bring to the forefront is that He did not say be reconciled. There is a difference. You can forgive a person all day long. They can keep doing wrong and you can keep on forgiving, but you don't have to be reconciled to everyone that you forgive.

God knows.

He knows the nature of our humanity. That our feelings get hurt. That repeated wrong-doing, evil and maliciousness takes a toll on the spirit and energy.

It is each person's responsibility to care for themselves; to give themselves healthy, good and positive things. And it is within each person's power to do that. You have the power to allow good, to receive good and to call good into your life.

Don't let someone manipulate you into thinking that it is your responsibility to put up with them and deal with them no matter what. Don't let someone manipulate you into thinking that you can fix their problems and love them enough into doing better, treating you better, being better. You cannot change another person.

God's love is greater than ours and even His love can't "fix" a person who doesn't want to be fixed. But the difference between us and God is that He can keep on loving: providing air to breathe, happiness, abundant food, shelter, warmth of sunshine, nourishing rain, etc. and still be okay. We on the other hand will be effected by the wickedness. It's simply not a wise thing to stay connected to individuals who hurt, don't take responsibility for their actions and won't even acknowledge their fault.

Everyone can be reconciled to God and that is our conciliation. You may have been the giver of hurts so destructive that the person on the receiving end just can't be with you in this life anymore. But you can still be reconciled to God. You may really love a person who has hurt you and have forgiven them, but you know that it is unhealthy to stay connected with them. That person can still be reconciled to God.

What a wonderful thing.

Remember this:

You don't have to tell a lie, and you don't have to believe one.

Sometimes...forgiveness comes only after a great struggle with oneself. It comes only after we have stopped lashing out at the object of all that bitter bile...and even.. then just when we think it is finally gone...something rears its ugly head and we rage again....until one day we pass something along the road of life, hear a song, inhale a scent, hear a voice in the distance or catch a glimpse of something or someone we thought we knew.... are reminded.. and move on. Thats right ladies...we move on. It is on this beautiful day that we suddenly realize we can embrace our lives fully and others can embrace us without the fear of the once prickly centers we were carrying for so long. Releasing anger, bitterness, blame, pain comes from doing much work on oneself..ceaselessly. Forgiving comes...on that day we can forgive ourselves first...Forgiveness comes when we see for the first time that we are no stronger or weaker then the object of all that anger. Forgiveness comes with humility and this is true grace.


--
Clara E. Nyang

Hello, tnhorton and what a lovely smile you have

I really enjoyed reading The Act of Forgiveness" I had to learn to do just that forgive, so that the healing process can begin.

The healing has led to a better understanding of me and my choices made. I welcome the thought of forgiveness; it gives me a good feeling about me as a person... to know that i can forgive.

Also it could be blocking my blessings not to do so besides, forgiving is much more productive. On the other hand, the other person might not have felt the same way, to bring themselves to making that move.

Then there might be those who feel as though the timing is just not right to forgive and then put it off. But the thing with timing is when is it really... the right time, to make that move towards forgiving someone.

This should not take a lifetime to correct and the timing might not have anything to do with it, just ones unwillingness to make the move towards forgiving another.

To me it should be done sooner than later to take the necessary actions towards forgiveness. And to not forgive someone or forget, can eventually affect one’s health which is not good.

Because when we harbor bad feelings against another it may lie dormant within us, which is not healthy and the forgiving process cannot begin.

I have found forgiving is a better choice, not only for myself, but for the others as well. It releases all that bad energy and opens up the door for new energy and better relations to come in.

In all... just for all parties concerned, to accept the change and move forward to forgiveness of another to me, shows character.