I am in the midst of doing some research of the topic of Empowering Women and what are their patterns that continuously hold them back in their life and ran across this powerful article I would love to share with all of you.

Fatherless Women: What Happens to the Adult Woman who was Raised Without Her Father? By Gabriella Kortsch, PhD.

Little girls who live without a father do so not only due to death, abandonment, or divorce, but also due to physically present fathers but who are emotionally absent, or ill over a lengthy period of time in some way (clinical depression, terminal disease, etc.), or because the father is a workaholic, or because in some fashion the father is a disappointment to the daughter, as might be the case in a weak or ineffectual father. Such differing types of absence in the girl's life may have major consequences of varying kinds, since a healthy emotional and socio-psychological developmental trajectory in the early years of life does require some type of positive paternal role model.

Seeing the Self Reflected
Optimally, a little girl needs to see herself reflected in the love she sees for herself in her father's eyes. This is how she develops self confidence and self esteem. This is how she develops a healthy familiarity with what a positive expression of love feels like. This is how she develops an appreciation for her own looks, her own body. This is how she develops what Jungians would call her 'animus,' her counter-sexual self; her masculine self, which will help her be proactive, productive, and creative in the outer world as she grows into adulthood.

If, however, the little girl does not have such a relationship with the father, if she sees rejection or emotional coldness or withdrawal in him, or if he simply is not available at all, her sense of self will be tainted, her self confidence warped or non-existent, her portrait of a loving relationship may be distorted or dysfunctional, and she may find herself - no matter how pretty, vivacious, lovable, funny, or intelligent - lacking in appeal.

Belief in the Self
Clearly, self confidence and self esteem can be forged through one's own endeavors during the life course, even if a father has not been present, but the path to success in such endeavors, and the reasons for which they are even attempted, tend to be quite different in the adult woman who was raised with a positive relationship to her father, as opposed to the one who was not. The former may excel simply because she believes in herself, while the latter needs to excel in order to catch a glimpse of approval and recognition in the eyes of those who give her a message of approval, honor, or prestige. The value of such a belief in oneself, easily acquired by the woman with a positive relationship to her father, is immeasurable in the adult life, and the lack of it in many of the countless women who were raised without a positive father image, may cause the life course to be fraught with difficulties.

The Multi-faceted Arena of Relationships
Perhaps the arena in which the most painful process of learning how to deal with the early lack of a father is played out is in that of relationships. If a girl has not been assured of her value as a woman by that early relationship with the father, she finds it difficult to relate to men precisely because she may often unconsciously seek to find that recognition in the eyes of the beloved…and this may lead her down an early path of promiscuity... which in turn makes her feel she is “bad”, but on she marches, relentlessly visiting bed after bed, locking in a fierce embrace with man after man, in the hope that this one or that one, or the next one will finally give her that which she never had as a child - validation of herself for herself.

Marrying 'Daddy'
Other women may choose another route, falling in love with an older man and thus marrying 'daddy.' At this point many different scenarios may ensue. If the man is at all psychologically aware (something often, but not always lacking in older men who like younger girls), he may have a vague inkling of what is going on. Therefore, once she starts - within the secure confines of the relationship or marriage - the process of growth, which will inevitably lead her to separate from her husband in some ways that are emotionally and psychologically necessary in order for her become her own woman, he will not blanch in fear at this process, and allow her the necessary space and freedom to do so. In that case, the marriage will in all likelihood thrive and continue to grow. If, however, the man is not aware, and sees her search for growth as a threat to the superiority he felt upon marrying a young, and as yet undeveloped woman, he will attempt to stifle her, to manipulate her psychologically by making her believe she is worthless, silly, or, and this appears to be a perennial favorite, that she "needs professional help in order to calm down and behave like she used to before."

Avoiding Engaging the Emotions
Another possible scenario (and there are many more which for reasons of space can not be touched upon in this article) is that of avoiding relationships totally, or of avoiding the engagement of one's emotions (see my July 2006 Newsletter for an article about this scenario expressed as neediness - both for men and for women). Examples here abound: the maiden aunt, who dedicates her life to her nieces and nephews, or who becomes a teacher and dedicates her life to her career; the nun, who dedicates her life to God, or the prostitute, who, although she may engage her body, rarely engages her emotions. Another example is that of the eternal seductress, who needs to remain in control by seducing the man and never actually involving her own feelings. A slightly more difficult to recognize version of the same scenario is played out by the woman who consistently has relationships with married men who never leave their respective wives for her. On an unconscious level this suits her just fine because it gives her the perfect excuse never to have to commit herself totally.

Finding Self-Confidence and Recognition in the Self
The core of the matter is, of course, that the self-confidence and recognition so avidly sought must be found within oneself rather than in the outer world - at least initially - in order to be of lasting and true value. The world of emotions that is avoided out of fear or because one never really learned what love is, must first be found in oneself (i.e. it is necessary to love the self before one loves another). The task of accomplishing this, requires that the individual become aware of him or herself (by observing the self, the self-talk, and all emotions that occur, good or bad, since all of these serve to give clues about the true self), and that absolute honesty about oneself be employed in this process. Let the reader be warned: this process is not a simple weekend project; it must be ongoing throughout life; it must become second nature, but it will pave the road to finding inner self-confidence and love for oneself, which will in turn lead to the abolishment of the need for finding these things in another. This is one of the roads to inner freedom that psychological knowledge offers.

What gets in the way is lack of clarity and confidence in knowing who you really are in essence. Once you know that, you will have self-esteem and feel empowered.

I used to think I was a misfit because I was fat and felt ugly. I lost weight, became a health nut and a yoga teacher. Yet, I still felt as if I had to do more to be more fit or thin. My coach empowered me to realize that I am beautiful just the way I am and now, I love my body, my life and my job as a writer!

http://fit-twist.blogspot.com

>

I am struggling with Major Depression, anxiety, PTSD, I am on my 3 marriage and have the papers in hand to start another divorce, he has had affairs, he is a thief, currently on the run from the law. I got caught up in the game, of drugs, forgery, prison, and now free, I struggle with fear, loss, anxiety, confusion, my body has taken the blunt of the feelings, I suffer from fibromyalgia, gastroparesis, degenerate disk disease and I constantly in pain, I cannot remain focused on the tasks that I must do to fully come through this.  I am looking for support, words of wisdom, or anything else someone can provide.  God Bless everyone, thanks

Hi There.. I do understand what you have gone through and are still going through... I am new to this site so have been reading down through the older messages. I too struggle with the very same things... Major Depression which they say is Bipolar, major anxiety, PTSD, and I deal with Fibromyalgia and other illness everyday. Although I suffered abuse as a child from my mother I went on to have a great life as flight attendant.. I then met Mr. Wrong and got married.. everything failed from there. He was extremely abusive to me, took all my money to keep me under his order, took all friends and such. I finally got the nerve to leave one day. It was terrifying and to this day I still deal with the mental and physical toll it has had on me... and it is 3 yrs later. It does get easier and time I found does heal. I too am on the journey of finding myself. A better me then I was before. It is a hard climb and a lot of work. I have fallen a few times but I continue to get up and strive forward... I always felt all alone and scared... a fear of everything... I still do at times and I continue to work on this everyday. I have found God in my life. Not sure if that what u believe in or not but my personal belief is he is always with me... I never am alone or have to be again... He says I will never leave you nor forsake you... I have faith in this every day I wake up and breathe... I realize I still have a long journey ahead of me but I am ready for the life I know I deserve to have someday... All My Best to You and May God Bless you Staci


--
If we don't change we don't grow if we don't grow we aren't really living...

Thank you for this:

"Every woman who has written her story here, is living this one/two punch at some level. What's getting in the way of self-esteem and empowerment is fear of the unknown. How do we create it? Give away your anger, look deep inside and learn what is strongest about you from having lived this way and then take that strength, say thank you for it and USE it to step away and start over.

How do you step away? Find a mentor, a support group, a coach...someone who will not encourage you to continue to be angry or feed your feelings of inadequacy or lack." Quote Sue Rumack

I will start posting regularly on here until I find or I am found in a support group.

Red

> FEAR: of the unknown, letting go of the familiar, not being good enough, past hurts and disappointments are all getting in the way.

One of the things that helped me build my self-esteem and empowerment was writing a list of Self Declarations. I have 18 of them listed but for space and digestion of what I write here. I thought I would list only the first 9 or 10. Hopefully this will be of help to others here.

1. I am unique. There has never been nor will there ever be someone exactly like me in every detail, aspect and lifetime experiences.
2. I belong. I am part of humanity. Without me there would be a vast hole in the history of humankind. I am not humanity but I am a vital part of humanity and all peoples are my brothers and sisters. All living things are one in spirit with me.
3. I am a human being. I deserve to be treated with respect, dignity and honor. I must first treat myself this way, treat others this way and expect others tto treat me this way ("Honoring all men, groveling to none - Tecumseh, Shawnee Chief)
4. I am intelligent. The intelligence of my Creator lies within me. I deserve to be listened to with respect. I deserve dignity, not patronizing or placating. I have a right to make my own choices, decisions and path in life without fear of ridicule, manipulation or reprimand from others who would not choose the same as me. I have a right to my own beliefs and a right to exercise those beliefs as is right for me and the good towards others.
5. I deserve to be loved. I was created in Love Divine. Love is the essence of my being. I deserve to be loved faithfully, honorably, passionately and unconditionally.
6. I deserve to be accepted as I am not by what I do or don't do, not because of my successes, not because I believe or don't believe and not because of how I choose to live my life. I deserve to be accepted just because I am.
7. I have an indomitable spirit. I have overcome many severitites and through them I have become strong, purposeful and determined to live my life as pure, refined gold.
8. I have great and vast potential. My Creator has imbued me with creativity to become the person of my highest good and potential, to create gemstones from the places of ashes in my life and to make my indelible mark on humanity that moves it towards its best and highest potential.
9. I deserve to be cherished and honored as a viable and worthy person in my own right.
Well that's enough for now. I hope some find this helpful. I'll post the last 9 if others here would like me to do that....if they find it helpful. Many blessings, Therese


--
You are the potential of your wildest dreams! Victorydancer, 2000.

> As a child growing up, I was so bullied by other kids. Being made fun of, punched, pushed, kicked, called names. etc. It has really effected how I see myself today. It was over 40 + years ago that all this bullying happened, but in my mind it's as if it happened yesterday. I can't get over it. I feel so "bad and ugly" about myself. I HATE myself. My self esteem is so low it has caused me to make bad choices in my life. I'm still making those bad choices today, especially when it comes to men. I let men treat me like a door mat. I wish I could learn to love myself so I could just walk away from all these abusive men that I have allowed into my life. But I don't know how.

Hi there! My name is Therese and I'm new here. I just read your post and just had to reply. I have been where you are today. Mine wasn't bullying, mine was childhood/adolesence physical, sexual abuse and neglect. I virtually had no self esteem what-so-ever. I was married twice to abusive men, one physical the other emotional abusers. I was in my 30's when I made the choice to enter therapy to heal from the effects of my abuse. I was in continual therapy for 15 years and now I choose therapy on an as needed basis - mostly like a 3,000 mile check up. Towards the end of my therapy, I had a therapist who helped me find and accept my personal treasures that were hidden within me. It was then I decided that being a survivor wasn't enough. There had to be more and so I chose that I wanted to thrive in my life, not just survive it. I had therapy homework like creating a newspaper article introducing myself to a new community. I had to use the 10 Good Things About Me homework to create the article. From there I moved onto creating things that would help me move forward into thriving in my life. The first was to make a list of Self-Declarations. I did and as I came up with each one I began to feel stronger.
Have you tried therapy? Creating 'homework assignments' where you are challenged to face the absolute truth about yourself can also be helpful. Reciting daily affirmations, helps also because when you say the affirmation out loud you are choosing to utilize that information in creating being a thriver in your own life. These are just some things that you might want to start with. Please feel free to email me if you want to. I'd like to help you with what I can and have learned. Therese


--
You are the potential of your wildest dreams! Victorydancer, 2000.

I think self esteem is something that we keep on building and believing in all the time. Many of us have had parents who did not have self esteem themselves and did not know how to built that in us. Therefore we acquired our self esteem through family members, teachers and peers who looked up at us and our own self image. In my field which is sci/eng there are still many obstacles so one must have a strong self esteem to be able to surmount that. All you have to do is simple math, i.e. I can do a thesis, math calculations, so I am very bright and all those people who tend to put us down is plain nonsense. It is the only way to overcome those obstacles. Jealousy, being threatened are common in the workplace and the world. Us women need to unite, believe in ourselves and one another.

We have a very strong work ethic, brights, determination and the will to succeed. Good luck to all of us gals, in whatever field we are and create your own path and believe in yourselves, Mariana Grinblat, M.Sc., M. Eng.


--
Mariana R.Grinblat .