Welcome to Honor Your Truth

The “Is It True? Series Episode Fifty-Two

“Peace is the Word”

I was horsing around in the basement of the old house on Orchard Road. I don’t know what I was doing in particular. Many a memorable event took place deep in the subterranean, especially in the Pre-carpet days. Post-carpet had started a trend toward the typical, but Pre-carpet was completely random and wild. We used to show our “plays” down there because the laundry room lent itself well to a backstage area. It was possible to make a costume change and a grand entrance subsequently. We could also lead all willing participants down and through a decent haunted house. A bleeding ketchup creature could begin by pounding underneath the stairs as you descended into the “dungeon of doom”. Your guide stuck your hand in a bowl of soggy bread….modeling some unlucky victims “guts”…..just one example of what could happen to you in that basement. We had a grocery store down there made out of cardboard, complete with boxes and “cans” of food. Dad said it took an entire Christmas Eve to build that store and I believe him.

On this particular day, I do remember a kind of excitement and running around. I was distracted by whatever was going on so much so that I didn’t have my guard up. I wasn’t paying attention. I turned around and my “blanket” was gone….G-O-N-E! No one seemed to know what happened to it. I freaked out, cried, and frantically ran up and down the stairs. I was so mad at myself. No matter how ratty, it was still silky and smooth like those old quilted “house coats” with the shiny plastic buttons. My Grandma Irene used to have a baby blue one. How could I have lost that blanket? I loved that blanket. A few years later, a pair of blue tennis shoes disappeared in much the same fashion. I did see some similarities in the case, so I did a follow-up investigation. Once again, due to a lack of evidence to the contrary, the signs seemed to point to my having misplaced them. I lost them and I was mad at myself. What is it with the rattiness? What’s wrong with ratty?

Anyway, why not just take the “blanket” and say I can’t have it anymore? Say I can’t have it and ideally without some pre-fab story like spiders will grow in it. Why not just tell me I can’t wear the ratty blue tennies anymore? I don’t know exactly what was wrong with them, but just tell me I can’t wear them. I would have been sad…..even mad….but I would have gotten over it, at least I suspect that I would have. I spent hours, even days looking for something that although I didn’t know it, I would clearly never find. It’s all good, but it’s interesting. I think the reason was to keep the peace. I was busy looking, rather than screaming. I was beating myself up about it, internally…quietly. If only I hadn’t been so absentminded, my usual “crazy” self, I would still have those shoes, that blanket….so I must remember to be on guard….then I won’t lose anything. Be more careful.

I struggle with letting go. What if I never find another pair of shoes that I like as much or better? What if I never get over it and am stuck longing for something I can’t have? I put so much time and energy into those shoes….it took years to get those shoes as holey and as ratty as they were……Do the memories die with the shoes? What if I see someone wearing shoes like I once had and I feel sad? I don't want to feel regret, which to me, is awful. I get afraid of my feelings…will they be too big, too much? Will I be ok? It wasn’t ok to have feelings, so I am often afraid of them.

Letting go is important on many levels….one being detachment. If I am not attached to stuff, to you, to what people think, what they do, what they believe, I have let go. I am free. It does not define me. I can be myself and so can you. This defines me. I have nothing to prove. We need not volley for the throne. If I trust myself, then I can let go of what you believe about what I believe. I do not need you to be wrong, for me to be right. I can only state my truth. I cannot make it yours. If I do not trust myself, if I live in a world of fear, then my ego wants to prove you wrong in order to think it’s right. People will go to great lengths when they are afraid….obviously. They threaten and they want to believe that it works in order to feel safe and feel right.

Peace begins with me. It begins in my heart. It begins with me trusting myself……being who I am. I have nothing to prove. I can let go….I have peace. I am not out in the world fighting….I’m busy being the best me I can be. I don’t have the time to fight. Life is too short. I can allow. I respect humanness and spirit. I know if I have a God….so does everyone else I encounter. It’s not my job to fix, nor can I fix. I don’t necessarily know for sure what’s broken. I have my opinion. I can do my part. I can be the change I want to see in the world. I can let peace begin with me. I Honor My Truth!

Debra Hadraba
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Debra Hadraba
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